Loss of spouse

[JLW]

I lost my husband 2 years ago due to leukemia. He was sick for several years and fought very hard to stay with us. However, the last couple years he was in and out of the hospital so much, his body just couldn't take anymore. 2 years feels like 2 months to me. The pain still seems so fresh most of the time. One of the worst feelings is the bitterness I have for other people whose lives just go on while mine is forever changed. I'm trying to get past this feeling but some days it's very hard.

[Marty2121]

I lost mine 2 years ago as well to kidney cancer at the ripe old age of 50!!  I know exactly how you feel about being bitter.  I go from bitterness, to anger, to self pity, to WHY, to I think i'll be ok, or to start the cycle again.  And this is everyday!  I think eventually we MIGHT get a tad better, but 2 years is nothing when you've lost your best friend. I don't think it's a feeling we can get past, I think we have to go right through the center of it in order to begin healing.  I believe that we will always grieve for our loved one, but I'm hopeful that the anger will subside.

ugh....hate this!

[JLW]

You're right, it is something we will never get over. I guess we learn how to live with it. Hoping that will happen soon for me. I just see him everywhere in my house and think about him so much every day. I have many pity parties too and then I feel worse about myself and feel I should be stronger. I go to a grief
support group which does help some. Because as much as my family and friends try to understand, they never really will. The first year it seemed like I had a lot of support, people calling, making sure I wasn't alone on weekends and holidays. But when the 2nd year rolled around that seemed to wane. So actually made the 2nd year worse in a way. I guess people thought it's been long enough, I should be okay now. Couldn't be farther from the truth.

[KayC]

I'm sorry for your loss, I've lost my husband as well.  You are right, it is something we learn to live with, but we never get over the missing them part.  Mine has been gone 11 years.  I think what I had at about 3 years out is what I've had to live with.  At least, thank God, the severe intense pain we have in the beginning becomes something more manageable.  I've learned that this grief journey is ever evolving.

A lot of people find the 2nd year worse than the first, I guess the shock, etc. protects us in the earlier phase.  After a while it hits home to us that they really are never going to walk through that door.  It's like we feel we can take it for a while but then feel enough is enough, okay, you can come back now!

[JLW]

Thanks Kay, I agree the grief process is always evolving. I attend a grief support group and we talked about how the 2nd year is worse than the first. I think in the first year you are still numb from the loss and you have a lot of support from family and friends. When the 2nd year rolls around, that support wanes. People think I'm okay and I don't need them to call me often and check on me, make sure I don't need anything. This couldn't be farther from the truth. I still need the support because now I'm over the initial shock and trying to figure out how to handle this new life without the man I spent 40 years of my life with. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot family and friends that I know care about me. But....their lives go on as they have been. Mine is drastically and forever changed.

[KayC]

I just ran across a letter I wrote (on the computer) a couple of days after my husband died.  I not only don't remember writing it, I don't remember even knowing the things I wrote!  I think I was so in shock that most of what the doctors at the hospital said to me went into my temporary memory instead of my permanent one.  I remember hearing them in a far away voice, faint, and spinning.  I don't remember much of the summer following, I remember feeling frantic, I remember all of my friends ditching me, I remember needing someone to talk to, anyone!  Beyond that I don't remember much.  It was a fog the first year.

[Parachute]

Mine is still so fresh...I am reeling today. We have to find positive things to focus on. I am trying to help friends and relatives with their home projects, and staying busy with tasks at home. I am sure that our dear ones would want us to make the most out of every day. Must find ways to give. I'm going to group sessions too. 

I really do feel for you, and pray God's grace for us all. 

[claribassist13]

On 6/30/2016 at 5:34 PM, Marty2121 said:

 I know exactly how you feel about being bitter.  I go from bitterness, to anger, to self pity, to WHY, to I think i'll be ok, or to start the cycle again. 

The grief cycle is more like a grief maze. We feel all the different emotions at all different times and sometimes at the same time without any reasonable order. It will take a while to even out. 

[Parachute]

Somehow we must embrace the right amount of grief, and still learn to live life forward. If reverse were possible, we would do it. But it's not.

Dawn finds an eagle 

Perched on the precipice 

Behind lies the sheer rock

Before lies a wide horizon

And you and I like that eagle

Must take to flight and soar

We may return to rest a while

But our destiny lies in flight

 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

The grief cycle is more like a grief maze.

I've always called it that too!

Parachute, did you write that?  It's very good!