Loss of dear mother and best friend

[Eeyore_55]

I just wanted to thank you all for reading this in advance.  While this is difficult to type out, I think it may help me.  

In January 2015, I lost my mom unexpectedly.  She had been mentioning how she hadn't been feeling well for a few months and since she never complained, I knew something was wrong.  I should have pushed her to go to the doctor sooner.  Without going into all of the details, she went to the hospital early January and was diagnosed with pancreatic and liver cancer, with kidney failure.  I think I had two days with her before the morphine and the toxins produced by her failing liver made her mental state fully decline.  What I saw happen in that hospital for two weeks was the most horrific thing I can imagine.  I still see images in my mind.  My mom was my best friend, I talked to her every day and I believe I was numb for about a year before it really hit me.  I have no idea what to do.  Almost a year later, the one person who truly helped me get through that tough time, passed away from cancer.  I never met her in person, but she was like a sister to me and the best friend I could have asked for.  I miss talking to her so much.  My aunt and grandma passed away after this and while I was not as close to them, it still feels like loss after loss.  My dad is very sick, in a rehab center for congestive heart failure and associated complications.  He can barely walk anymore and I struggle seeing him so sick.  I don't really have much support as I am an only child and while friends have good intentions, they don't really know what to say (and what is there to say, really?)

I struggle with depression and and alcohol abuse, so I feel like I am going into somewhat of a downward spiral.  I felt like typing this may help me somehow.  Thank you for listening.

[MissionBlue]

Eeyore,  I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I also struggle with memories of watching my beloved father die.  He also had congestive heart failure and other health conditions.   I'm also an only child, so I was alone during most of my father's illness, and his ordeal at the hospital.  I lost my mother just two months before my father, but we weren't close so it wasn't as hard as losing my father who was all I had in the world.  I have relatives, but they don't keep in touch that often.   Losing just one loved one is enough to devastate us, but you've been through so many losses in a short time.  I also have one online friend who I have never met who is like a sister to me, so I can understand how losing your friend only a year after your beloved mom is almost more than you can bear.   The key word is "almost" -- we are stronger than we think.  You can get through this, because it is what your loved ones would want and grief is a natural process.  You deserve to be happy, because you are a loving, caring person.   Life will never be the same but you can forge a new life and a new relationship with the world.  It just takes an agonizingly long time to accomplish this, depending on how close you were to your loved ones. 

My best friend struggled with alcoholism to the point of almost committing suicide, but with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous, he is now in control of his problem.  I find myself drinking alcohol more than I ever did in my life, mostly tequila, because it's a new sensation for me.  I've had it before, and liked it, but it was no big deal.  Now grief seems to have changed my body chemistry and I crave it so much more.  Unfortunately, alcohol is a depressant.   I read that the symptoms of depression in alcoholics are greatly reduced after three to four weeks of stopping alcohol intake. 

I know it is heartbreaking to watch your dad suffer.  It is so hard to support others when we need support ourselves.  After my dad's death, I spent some time at the following Caregiver Forum:

https://www.agingcare.com/Caregiver-Forum

I think it has a lot of useful information.  I wish I had known about it during my years as a caregiver. 

I was completely alone for eight months after my dad died, after 55 years of living with him.  It was terrible to not have anyone to talk to, except for brief conversations with cousins and my half brother on the phone.  Doing things during the day can be a great distraction, but the memories still haunt me when I'm alone.  I can be with other people and still think sad thoughts about my dad.  So I went in search of help from grief therapists, grief support groups, and churches.  I also went to bars and restaurants to be with people.  The one thing that helped me the most was when my friend Ernesto moved in with me.  We turned out not to be a good match romantically, but we are still good friends and housemates.  He's been in the hospital the past ten days, so I find myself experiencing a relapse in my grief.  I had a vivid dream of my late father last night.  It seemed so real.  I cried so hard this morning when I read some of the posts here, including yours, because only the people here and in other grief forums understand exactly how I feel.  I also have to sell my home which is another grief experience.  My whole world is falling apart, but I wouldn't even be here if my great grandfather, a professor in Mexico, hadn't fled the Mexican Revolution with his wife and children in 1914 and emigrated to the US.  He lost everything he had worked so hard for.  He and his wife ended up dying young, but their children lived on and now his great grandchildren are thriving and enjoying life in ways that even I have never experienced.  I need to catch up with my cousins in this endless pursuit of pleasure and happiness.  It's so hard when you're alone.  But we don't have to be alone.  The sad thing is that the relationship with our parents will never be duplicated.  I hear so much about fabulous friendships and wonderful romantic relationships --  my relationship with Ernesto is neither wonderful nor fabulous, but a close friend is better than a distant relative.  I am very grateful for him being with me.  I'm sure he doesn't think I'm wonderful either, because we don't have a lot in common, but we both understand grief and the challenge to survive in one of the most expensive cities in America.  Why we stay here is kind of crazy, but it''s hard to leave my home town, even though  I've lost a lot of relatives and friends to death, and become estranged from others.  People tell me to get a dog, there are so many dog lovers here, but I can't believe that any animal is as comforting as being able to talk to another human being on a deep personal level.  Don't get me wrong, I love animals and they certainly make the world a much happier place.  I used to have many pets in happier times.  Losing them is very hard, too.   I enjoy it when Ernesto babysits his son's dog.  She is so loving and I love her back.  Maybe once I'm settled in my new home, I'll consider getting a cat, but I don't really want to be a caregiver again right away.   I want to buy a car and drive across the country before I die, or at least through a couple of states.  I have been a caregiver for years and years.  I want to enjoy freedom from worry.  I want to move next to Golden Gate Park, so I can enjoy my second childhood.  There's nothing really fun to do in my neighborhood except go to bars and overpriced restaurants.  Been there, done that,  I'm already starting my bucket list, because life is short. 

Sorry I tend to ramble on and on.  I wish you the best and I hope you will find the support which every human being needs when dealing with intense grief. 

[seachelle]

It is devastating to lose so many people and continue to watch other loved ones suffer.  I lost my dad when I was 26, and now I'm in my early 30's and my mom is ill.  I find myself on a roller coaster of feeling normal one day and having trouble functioning the next.  I wish there was some easy set of guidelines I could provide!  I think in your situation, with depression and alcohol abuse, it may be time to seek professional support.  A doctor could prescribe an antidepressant to make your mood more buoyant, and a counselor could help you with the substance abuse.  That wouldn't erase the underlying problem of losing loved ones but it could help you find the tools to adjust and retake your life.  I hope you find a support network in person. Some hospitals and hospices provide grief counseling.  I would encourage you to look into it.  

[Eeyore_55]

I want to thank you both for your responses, they were very special to me. Your openess and kind words mean so much. I'm having a hard time as my dad is ill and I've been trying to take care of him, but I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[Lisazblues]

Hi....

my fathr died from what was probably secondary liver cancer on Sunday, 9/18.  He was fine and passed a physical with a perfect blood test in July. Then he started losing weight and got very tired in August but he was 71 so my mom and I figured he was just getting older and we go to a pool club and it was so hot. He fell and then said his back and shoulder hurt him so we atributed it to that. Come end of August, after my mom kept telling him to go to the dr for his pain... Which he refused and said he would deal with at the end f the summer.... his legs started to swell. Then he started losing weight like crazy, was exhausted and stopped eating. He got the diagnosis on 9/9, went into hospital on 9/13 and was gone by 9/18.  He was so weak that they couldn't even do a biopsy to find out any info. They just saw tumors and bleeding in his liver. His kidneys failed, his blood pressure dropped and it was over. He was being kept alive with meds and dialysis until my sister got here. She lives near Africa and I'm in ny. Then he requested everything be turned off and he passed 26 hours later in hospice in the hospital. We couldn't even bring him home because he was so sick and it happened so fast.   I am devastated for myself, my mom, and my children. I feel so guilty. How did we not know?  The Drs said that even if he knew in June or July it was too late since the first sign was weight loss and that means ts already at the liver and the survival rate is like 2%. How does a person go from fine to dead in 3 weeks?  Did he know how sick he was and just didn't want to deal?  He was a nervous person and never wanted to do chemo. I could go on and on but that's basically it. Any response is appreciated. 

 

Thanks