Dating After Loss

[EternalFlames]

Alright, so this is a very controversial topic.

There seems to be a lot of stigma about dating after a loss. When is too soon? Is there a too soon? How do you go about it? Especially in 20s-30s.

I only lost my partner 2 months ago. This is really recent. I'm still grieving like hell. I lost her to cancer. We loved each other deeply. I had to be her rock through many treatments and ups and downs, standing there with her day after day as her steadfast support. I showed her a lot of love. I did a lot to commemorate her life. I love her so deeply, and probably always will.  I felt alone, though, near the end. I loved being there with her, but we could not have a 2-way relationship anymore. I was just a caregiver. My emotional and physical needs had not been met in over a year. And I was OK with that at the time, because I just wanted to be there with her, be present, let her know she was leaving this world loved. But now that she's gone, I feel a huge void, I feel very alone and empty. By no means am I "over her" or do I want to disrespect her memory, but I'm feeling this intense need to start dating, to feel an emotional connection, to feel warmth and affection from a woman, and to finally have sex again.

But it's only 2 months later. Is this wrong? Does/did anyone else feel that way? Did any of you try dating or connecting with people soon after your loss? Or feel an urge to?

If you did, how did you go about it? Did you find there was stigma for being a widow/widower?

I'm definitely not emotionally ready or available to properly commit to a long-term future with someone else so soon, nor do I trust my judgment to make a big life decision like that in this bereaved state. I don't want to forget about my lost partner at all. I treasure her memory deeply, talk about her a lot, and keep photos of her everywhere. But I still feel very lonely.

Her death made me realize that life is so fleeting and fragile. I'm not going to be young forever. I feel like if I take 5 years to grieve, I'll have burned away my youth and it'll be that much harder to ever connect with anyone ever again. I may not even live that long myself. Who knows? Death is all around us. We can't control it.

If any of you did successfully seek affection and comfort after a loss, how did you do it? What was your experience like? Was it positive? Did it help?

[claribassist13]

I don't have any experience with this, but I firmly believe that our loved ones don't want us to live half a life. 
If you feel ready to see people, whether it be a date or a hookup or something more serious, then go for it. As you've stated before, life is so, so short. If we learn anything from the death of our loved ones, it should be to live life everyday since tomorrow is never promised. 

You will never forget your partner, simply because she is a part of you. When we make a commitment to someone to spend our lives with them, we allow someone to share our life with us and in doing so they become part of us. You are a different person now than you were when your partner was alive. And when these people leave, they don't just simply vanish. They takes pieces of us with them and reside in other pieces. You will never forget her, and no one could never take her place. 

If you want to see someone, then do it! I know that your partner would want you to continue living and to enjoy all that life has to offer those of us still here. 

[EternalFlames]

Thanks. I started trying just this week and encountered a lot of stigma, which has made me since question everything and just generally feel more awful.

Basically, it's impossible to not divulge that I'm a widower right up front because everyone wants to Google everyone these days and link to social media and do complete background checks or they think you're a sex predator or PUA clown. So I can't just wait for the right time and right level of intimacy to bring it up. And as soon as I do bring it up or they find it online, I encountered a lot of judgment and stigma and they've run off screaming. This has happened 4 times in the span of a week, and I now feel even more alone, and worry that I will be alone and miserable for life.

You're right, I know my partner would want me to try to find happiness and move forward. She even told me to, made me promise I wouldn't ruin the rest of my life just because she is gone.

It sounds all nice in theory, but I have no idea how to do it. Why would anyone ever want to be with a widow/widower?

[Massgal]

As far as I'm concerned, whether it's one month, one year, or never, it's totally up to you. My husband has only been gone almost a month, and frankly, the loneliness is already excruciating. I agree, life is short and none of us are promised tomorrow. If I were to meet someone, in whatever time frame, and anyone said anything critical to me, here is what I would say to them. "You wish for me an extended period of sadness and loneliness?  For what, six months, a year, two years?  I wouldn't wish that on anyone, thank you very much!"  Until someone walks in my shoes they have no idea.  I will miss my husband every single day for as long as I live. We were so happy together.  But, I know even this early on that I do not want to spend my life consumed by sadness and alone.  I think it's because I enjoyed so much having my husband's companionship that I don't want to live without that.  I am already 57, so I don't know if I will ever meet anyone else. Our hearts were made to expand.

[claribassist13]

People aren't going to love you because you are a widow/widower. They are going to love you because they can see what that experience has done for you. 

To me, at least, being a widow/widower shows that you had (somewhat of) a successful relationship. You've already been through the bad, and they know you won't run off at the first sign of trouble. 
I think you'll just need to keep tying. Not everyone is up to the task of dating a widow/widower, much is their loss really, 

[EternalFlames]

Thanks both of you for the support. I feel less guilty and negative about it, and I will try to keep all of that in mind. Some may judge, but hopefully not all will.

[Forever His x]

Hey ,

I'm not judging nor have I got any advice , but for me personally I have decided that I will not be moving on with anyone else I want to try and move forward in life but will do that by myself . I am only 24 .
My views are that he is my soulmate the love of my life the father to my baby we were meant to be together forever until he got cruelly taken , I am not scared to be alone I'm annoyed and upset that I don't have him by my side I'm broken and so lost without him , how am I meant to build or be in another relationship when no one on this earth will ever come close to him ? I wont ever feel about someone else the way I do him nor will I have someone else hold and bring up our baby . to me none of it seems right for my personal life .

I think what ever you feel comfortable with you should do don't worry what others think or say its your life and your the one living it . I don't really see the point in mine anymore but keep going for our son , but I'm not bothered about what people think or say about my decision because at the end of the day its down to me .
 

[EternalFlames]

Thanks. For me it's not so much fear of being alone. I have spent much of my life independent and happy alone. For me it is more the deep loneliness, the desire for companionship, to fill that missing void. I haven't had my emotional or physical needs met in a long time, much longer than since her death. I think that's what happens with degenerative illnesses. People measure your "moving on" from the time of their death, but don't realize you've been in a 1-sided relationship for a long time already. No one has been meeting your needs for a while, especially depending on how far gone they were as approaching end of life. 

I know I am not ready to start a long-term relationship (e.g. leading to marriage or dating for 2+ years), but I do crave comfort in the short-term. Not just a one night stand, but an emotional connection too, maybe lasting a few months to a year without any obligation to lead to a lifelong commitment. It seems like there are few options for this, since most women want at least the prospect of long term - complete unavailability is a red flag. Maybe other widows/widowers or recent divorcees?

[Marty2121]

My husband made me promise no one else would have me, but if he only knew how terribly lonely I am for human touch and companionship...I think he'd be ok with it.  I am terrified to date, but I would love to have a "friend" to go out with and laugh again.  It's been 2 years since my husband succumbed to kidney cancer and like you, my life revolved around saving his life!  I couldn't.  So very hard this grieving stuff.  Today is a particularly hard day because of course....here comes another holiday...ALONE!  I want him back, I want our life, back, our memories, our future plans, etc. 

 

[Alina0815]

It's been almost 4 months since my boyfriend passed. I agree with everyone else that it is a very personal decision that you and only you are able to make and no one should cast any judgement. I'm only 20 so I really can't picture myself staying single forever, just at this exact moment I have no desire to date but I do feel the intense loneliness your talking about. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should try talking to another guy but that is quickly over rules by intense guilt for even having that thought in the first place. It's all so complicated right? And then my biggest concern would be my late boyfriends family. Will his sister hate me if I move on too soon in her eyes? His mom? I don't know. But what I've been told is that there's just no time limit on grief. We all do it differently. You shouldn't care what others thing but it would be a lie if we all sat here and said it didn't bother us at least a little. Try talking about it with the people that truly matter in your life. Take into account their opinions but in the end, do what feels right for you.

[Ken M]

I definitely don't have all the answers.  And that shows from a post on dating advice from a guy whose alone at home on a Saturday night - haha.  Here's my story to show one perspective.  My wife died a year and a half ago.  Within a few months of my wife's passing, I pursued one of my wife's best friends, I imagine that's pretty typical.  We became close and texted quite a bit.  Nothing ever physical  It came to a point though, she felt uncomfortable and said that she was not "seeing" anyone right now.  That ended that for the time period.  Fast forward and I met another woman.  After dating another woman my first friend became very interested in me again.  The grass is always greener on the other side, right? 

So my point is, I went directly to what was a comfort.  I pursued that and now question if that had worked out if we would have been able to make a long term relationship.   Through trials I have now lost 50 pounds, search for life grounding and for true meaning.  You must take time to find yourself - that will be different for everyone.  It's OK to be alone.  Not comfortable indeed. 

And by the way, the comment for a widow/widower.  You are the GOLD STANDARD!  You don't have an ex-husband/wife. You don't cart the kids off every other weekend and have to deal with that.   You don't have complicated inlaws/outlaws.   My gosh, from my perspective a widow is the best opportunity for a successful long term forever future love and who I will persue.   

[claribassist13]

On 6/30/2016 at 3:38 PM, Marty2121 said:

My husband made me promise no one else would have me, but if he only knew how terribly lonely I am for human touch and companionship...I think he'd be ok with it.  I am terrified to date, but I would love to have a "friend" to go out with and laugh again.  It's been 2 years since my husband succumbed to kidney cancer and like you, my life revolved around saving his life!  I couldn't.  So very hard this grieving stuff.  Today is a particularly hard day because of course....here comes another holiday...ALONE!  I want him back, I want our life, back, our memories, our future plans, etc. 

 

No offense, but I doubt that anyone who loved you would ever make you promise that. That is not to say that he did not make you promise it, but I believe in my heart of hearts that he would never mean for you to follow through with it. I am sure his fear was that you would move on and forget him. 

But we all know that we will never forget the ones we lost, no matter who else we are seeing. We are always theirs, and they are always ours.

[Marty2121]

I know you're right, but it's the guilt and fear that stops me from going there.  He truly loved me with all of my many faults ♥

[claribassist13]

2 minutes ago, Marty2121 said:

I know you're right, but it's the guilt and fear that stops me from going there.  He truly loved me with all of my many faults ♥

And someone else would too. 

I understand the guilt through. I'm not sure I will be able to date again for a long time because of that. However, I do know that our significant others would want us to be happy again. Don't let yourself be so sad when they just want us to be happy. 

[Marty2121]

I wish I knew how...30 years of bliss and him not being here anymore is so very hard.  I am so lost without him.  And here I thought I was the rock between us!  I know some people have it so much worse than me, but when you're consumed in grief it's so hard to see anything else.  You're so right...he would hate to see me sad.  He always hated to see me cry for any reason.  He was such a kind hearted man who's goal in life was to take care of me and make me happy.  I was truly blessed and those memories somehow give me strength from time to time.

[claribassist13]

1 hour ago, Marty2121 said:

I wish I knew how...30 years of bliss and him not being here anymore is so very hard.  I am so lost without him.  And here I thought I was the rock between us!  I know some people have it so much worse than me, but when you're consumed in grief it's so hard to see anything else.  You're so right...he would hate to see me sad.  He always hated to see me cry for any reason.  He was such a kind hearted man who's goal in life was to take care of me and make me happy.  I was truly blessed and those memories somehow give me strength from time to time.

If you haven't sought any sort of professional help, I would recommend trying to. Yes, grief is a life long process, but it is really unhealthy to be feeling this way 2 years later. A grief counselor would be able to provide you with suggestions on how to better cope with your grief. At this point, you either give up or you try again. I would encourage you to seek some help. You may not be ready to date, but there is still plenty of time to find love again, if that is what you want. Take all that you learned from your marriage and apply it to yourself. Use all that goodness to get back on your feet. If you can, share it with someone else. 

[Marty2121]

you are so right.  All of my friends have told me the same thing.  I really do try sometimes only to crash even harder.  And I do want to be happy again, or at least have peace.  Thank you for your kind words.

[Forever His x]

Hello , 

i do agree with most of what has been said above , i believe that we have to try and move "forward" with our so called "lifes" or whats left of them now . 
at the moment my loss is still so raw and early and i still havent accepted the fact . i dont believe that it will ever get better from now on , im such a different person now , the only reason theres a point is for our little boy , but its very very hard just going on each day i feel im going slightly mad. 
So my point for myself ! , is that yes i suppose we do have to move forward in some sort of way and i dont know how that is yet but i dont believe in moving on.
i am only 24 years old and for me there will be no other man in my life , what is the point ? i will never find someone to love as much as i love him and the way he loved me nor will i have someone else try to love me or touch me or our son , i dont believe that the only way to find some sort of "happiness" in our "lifes" now is to bring another bloke / women into the equation there are other ways to try and move forward . i have lost my soulmate there is no one else in this entire world that will come  close to him .
the only way i will ever be at my happiest is by having him back i wont be finding that in another man . i will try and do things differently with friends and hobbies but for myself it just doesnt make sense to me nor appeal to me . but thats just the flip side to what others have said who feel like they want to and will . 
its all personal choice and whatever you need to do you need to do . but that is my choice .

[Millie681]

On July 3, 2016 at 1:46 PM, Forever His x said:

Hello , 

i do agree with most of what has been said above , i believe that we have to try and move "forward" with our so called "lifes" or whats left of them now . 
at the moment my loss is still so raw and early and i still havent accepted the fact . i dont believe that it will ever get better from now on , im such a different person now , the only reason theres a point is for our little boy , but its very very hard just going on each day i feel im going slightly mad. 
So my point for myself ! , is that yes i suppose we do have to move forward in some sort of way and i dont know how that is yet but i dont believe in moving on.
i am only 24 years old and for me there will be no other man in my life , what is the point ? i will never find someone to love as much as i love him and the way he loved me nor will i have someone else try to love me or touch me or our son , i dont believe that the only way to find some sort of "happiness" in our "lifes" now is to bring another bloke / women into the equation there are other ways to try and move forward . i have lost my soulmate there is no one else in this entire world that will come  close to him .
the only way i will ever be at my happiest is by having him back i wont be finding that in another man . i will try and do things differently with friends and hobbies but for myself it just doesnt make sense to me nor appeal to me . but thats just the flip side to what others have said who feel like they want to and will . 
its all personal choice and whatever you need to do you need to do . but that is my choice .

Hi. 

I agree with you 100%. I am having the same feelings as you.  I don't have any desire to have another man in my life. 

I think it's wonderful that people are able to think about dating and find comfort. If that's something they wish to do. Whatever makes them feel comfort. That is their choice.  For me personally I can't.  It would feel like I was cheating on him.  Maybe that doesn't make sense but as far as I'm concerned I had everything I wanted in him & now he's gone.  If I have to be alone until I see him again I'm perfectly fine with that.  

I just miss him so much ! Everyday is a struggle.  My heart aches every morning I wake up because he isn't here.  

[Jeff In Denver]

On 6/28/2016 at 11:51 AM, Massgal said:

As far as I'm concerned, whether it's one month, one year, or never, it's totally up to you. My husband has only been gone almost a month, and frankly, the loneliness is already excruciating. I agree, life is short and none of us are promised tomorrow. If I were to meet someone, in whatever time frame, and anyone said anything critical to me, here is what I would say to them. "You wish for me an extended period of sadness and loneliness?  For what, six months, a year, two years?  I wouldn't wish that on anyone, thank you very much!"  Until someone walks in my shoes they have no idea.  I will miss my husband every single day for as long as I live. We were so happy together.  But, I know even this early on that I do not want to spend my life consumed by sadness and alone.  I think it's because I enjoyed so much having my husband's companionship that I don't want to live without that.  I am already 57, so I don't know if I will ever meet anyone else. Our hearts were made to expand.

Well said, Massgal.  I don't mean to sound trite, but I kind of feel your pain.    It's been almost a month for me, too, and you're right about the loneliness.  I am very torn about this.  My girlfriend, who had always been very jealous and suspicious had told me that she wanted me to meet someone.  That actually hurt me a little, although I know what she meant.  

If she can see me, I want her to know of my pain and suffering.  I want her to know that I miss her so much that I am having trouble working and doing everything else.  When I walk the mile and a half from work to my empty house I want her to be watching over me.  I am trying to honor her.   I will never click with anyone else as I did with her because everyone is unique.  There is no replacing anyone.

On the other hand, what if she doesn't see me? Either way, I am still lonely as hell, raw, sad vulnerable, and a mess.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.  But I don't want a substitute for the love of my life.

I never knew it would be this hard...

 

 

[Massgal]

I could never find a "substitute" for my late husband.  He was one of a kind!  If I ever find someone else, it would just be different.  That's the only way I can put it.  There will never be another him.  I think it would be a mistake to try to "replace" him--that would be impossible.  I have to accept that any future relationship is going to be completely different than the one with my husband. And it would be unfair to any future partner to compare.  This is just the reality.

[KayC]

Some people date right away, some never do at all, that is pretty individual.  You don't need anyone's permission nor should you have their judgment.  Just know within yourself that whatever you do it's the right time and reasons for you.

[velvettuberose]

You do what you feel it is best for you. Being lonely is very hard. WE as human beings are designed in live in relationships with others. Being a widow/widower is never a stigma and those who think this way are way too ignorant. Of course, you are no going to find someone just like your partner, but someone different. WE are all unique and bring different things in a relationship. 

Just because we lost our spouses/partners doesn't makes us prisoners of a lonely existence. 

Date when you are ready, in your own time, EternalFlames, and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Those that consider you stigmatized because you lost a loved one are ignorant people and not worthy of your time. Eventually you will find someone completely different than your partner or alike, you never know. The memories and the love that we have for our loved ones are carried in our hearts and not advertised for everyone to see them. They would not understand how we feel anyway unless they went through this pain. And their memory would not be disrespected in any way. I hope it helps.

[CassKD]

This such a tricky topic. Ultimately, like everyone else has said, the choice is completely yours, and no one else can tell you how you should be progressing with your grief. As someone with a history of trying to "outrun" my grief in the form of new relationships/hookups that always ended terribly, I would caution you to make sure you're choosing to date for the right reasons. If dating is what feels right, you should definitely go for it. However, if you catch yourself looking for company as a way to put a bandaid on a very, very deep emotional wound, then maybe you should give yourself a little more time. No one should judge you though, for sure, and if they do, you shouldn't feel bad reminding them that every loss is unique and that your desire to keep living life does not mean that you love your spouse any less.

I'm 22, so I totally understand what you're saying about being so young. A little less than two years after my boyfriend's death, I am currently involved in a very healthy, supportive, loving relationship. Our relationship began as a friendship - he was a friend who met me for coffee on many nights when I couldn't sleep, bought me a therapy animal to help me cope with flashbacks and anxiety, and just made himself available as someone to chat with, take walks with, etc. Over time, this developed into something more, and while our relationship is still comparatively young, I feel extremely lucky to have him in my life, and also like Dillon (my loss) would be glad to know that I'm not just wasting away in misery. That's not to say there aren't still hard days -- there are plenty of excruciating days. I still feel numb sometimes, I still get sad on anniversaries and holidays, I still have night terrors and panic attacks from time to time. However, having a companion has certainly been a positive choice for me.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I wish you love and peace as you traverse through the murky waters of healing. 

[Postmark]

Yes, this is a very touchy topic...  I belong to a caregiving site and have been chatting with a fellow widow...  My wife passed in March, her husband passed in April.  We both agree that our grieving started well before our spouses died. ( both battled cancer over 2 years.) It started out as helping each other during our darkest times....  Started with private chats on the site, to exchanging text messages at any hour day or night... Since neither of us slept much, had a lot of 2am text chats... Which led to phone calls in June... Which turned into daily evening 2/3 hours phone calls.  Still talking/crying about our spouses, but also laughing at ourselves and becoming "special friends" that will always have a spouse we will care about.  We know "this" shouldn't be happening this fast... (According to 'the book') but it seems to be...    Fate, got us together and when this all started, falling for one another was the last thing on our minds....  We have talked about meeting (1000 miles apart) to see if this is just a pipe dream or the start of something we never expected would happen.....   

[Jeff In Denver]

This is a tough subject.  I lost my girlfriend, Milagros,  on 6/14 of this year due to breast cancer.  We had been through hell during the past 6 months.  I won't rehash my story, but I did everything I could for her to try to save her over the past 2 years.  I have been having a very rough time since.  I have been seeing grief counselors, I talk to her picture all the time and I get very emotional when I am by myself.  I would give anything to have her back.  She is the love of my life, she is part of me, and always will be.  I think of her constantly.

A few weeks ago I picked up a woman in a bar.  We did things we shouldn't have.   And then another the week after.  I then met an Asian woman who is visiting from Taiwan and we have been hanging out a lot (nothing physical).  She wants me to visit her in Taiwan.  I have a date tonight.  I have a big, empty place, and have a female roommate moving in next month (strictly platonic).

I told every one of these women my story, and that I am not interested in anything but friendship.  But I feel like a little kid in a candy store. I am looking to fill the huge void inside of me.  I hate now coming home to an empty house, and I will really hate it when the cold and dark season arrives.

I told this to my long-time friend Cindy.  She said, "Boy, I hope Mila isn't looking down on you.  She would really be disappointed in you.  You're trashing her memory!  You'd better not try to contact her.  It doesn't sound like you love her that much." Wow.  I had thought about that, believe me (except for the part of how much I love her.  I don't question that).  I don't like myself right now.

Over the past month I have been very unbalanced.  I was wildly looking for any way to feel better.   Now I wish I had more time to myself, and that I hadn't pursued these other people.  No way am I ready.  I had over-reacted.  Oddly, even last night when I went to dinner with the Asian lady I felt very sad and wished Mila had been there instead.  I get that feeling whenever I am with another woman.

But here I am, just a month after losing the best person I have ever known, doing this stuff.  I am ashamed of myself.  I don't know what's wrong or right, but this feels wrong.

 

 

 

 

[velvettuberose]

Jeff, stop beating yourself up over this. It is only normal to feel lonely. Grief brings that too. I think your friend, Cindy, was a bit harsh when she told you those words. After all, she doesn't know how you are feeling. But just being with random people may not help fill in the emotional void. Just give yourself time. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting companionship, but maybe it is too soon for you. As far as dishonoring Milagros and trashing her memory, you are not...you are just kind of hurting yourself. Your love for her will never die even if you decide to love someone else. It is going to be different.

If it feels wrong, don't do it again. We all need to be in a relation with the opposite sex. It is our human nature, but when the time feels right for YOU. When my husband died, I felt the need to be hugged by a man. Nothing more...it did not happen the way I wanted and I kind of put myself in danger. But luckily for me, nothing harmful happened.

Talk to your counselor about this. 

I hope it makes sense.

[claribassist13]

5 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

This is a tough subject.  I lost my girlfriend, Milagros,  on 6/14 of this year due to breast cancer.  We had been through hell during the past 6 months.  I won't rehash my story, but I did everything I could for her to try to save her over the past 2 years.  I have been having a very rough time since.  I have been seeing grief counselors, I talk to her picture all the time and I get very emotional when I am by myself.  I would give anything to have her back.  She is the love of my life, she is part of me, and always will be.  I think of her constantly.

A few weeks ago I picked up a woman in a bar.  We did things we shouldn't have.   And then another the week after.  I then met an Asian woman who is visiting from Taiwan and we have been hanging out a lot (nothing physical).  She wants me to visit her in Taiwan.  I have a date tonight.  I have a big, empty place, and have a female roommate moving in next month (strictly platonic).

I told every one of these women my story, and that I am not interested in anything but friendship.  But I feel like a little kid in a candy store. I am looking to fill the huge void inside of me.  I hate now coming home to an empty house, and I will really hate it when the cold and dark season arrives.

I told this to my long-time friend Cindy.  She said, "Boy, I hope Mila isn't looking down on you.  She would really be disappointed in you.  You're trashing her memory!  You'd better not try to contact her.  It doesn't sound like you love her that much." Wow.  I had thought about that, believe me (except for the part of how much I love her.  I don't question that).  I don't like myself right now.

Over the past month I have been very unbalanced.  I was wildly looking for any way to feel better.   Now I wish I had more time to myself, and that I hadn't pursued these other people.  No way am I ready.  I had over-reacted.  Oddly, even last night when I went to dinner with the Asian lady I felt very sad and wished Mila had been there instead.  I get that feeling whenever I am with another woman.

But here I am, just a month after losing the best person I have ever known, doing this stuff.  I am ashamed of myself.  I don't know what's wrong or right, but this feels wrong.

 

It's completely natural to crave some sort of physical touch or even a relationship. What we lost was such a large part of us, and that part is so large that we feel completely empty inside. We wish for anything to help fill that awful void because anything is better than the nothing we feel in there. 
Your reaction within the first month has been completely natural. You look for anything to keep your head above the waves threatening to pull your underneath. However, when we rush our healing process we often end up getting hurt even more. Reality slaps its ugly hand in our face in same place over and over again, yet it all hurts the same. 

I agree with what velvettuberose said. Craving companionship isn't wrong, but it may be too early for you. I would definitely take some time to really get to know this new you. You are such a different person now that Mila is dead. It's unfortunate, but it's true. Get to know yourself a bit more, and give yourself some more time. Talk to your counselor as well.

As for how Mila must feel, I think she is probably just a bit sad for you. It's my personal belief that our loved ones can still see us. I think that Mila sees your efforts to fill in the awful void she left. She sees just how much you love her, and she wants you to be happy. You are not trashing her memory, and she knows that. She knows about that awful void she left in your heart and she also knows that there is nothing she can do to help fill it again. She is sad, and she loves you so very much. She will never be disappointed though. 

[Parachute]

I agree we must each decide whether to seek another partner or not without fear of being judged by others.  I confess that the idea of a new relationship hit me pretty soon after my loss.  It does not diminish my devotion to Joyce. Everyone here knows that folks who don't share our experience with loss are fairly clueless about it. You won't get a judgmental comment from me...My sweetheart told me it was okay from her hospital bed...with no hint of such a thought coming from me.  She was magnificent in every way.  As so many have already said...irreplaceable. Still, I hope I can find a way to share love in my remaining time myself...whether just a true friend, or someday more intimate...as we now share our grief, I hope and pray to share love.

Meanwhile, here is a different thought I keep having...what if I just enjoy the social company of the opposite sex? What if don't have expections beyond simple friendship?  It would help with the loneliness.  I'm participating in a group session on grief every Monday and a widowers group on Friday. 

[velvettuberose]

32 minutes ago, Parachute said:

I agree we must each decide whether to seek another partner or not without fear of being judged by others.  I confess that the idea of a new relationship hit me pretty soon after my loss.  It does not diminish my devotion to Joyce. Everyone here knows that folks who don't share our experience with loss are fairly clueless about it. You won't get a judgmental comment from me...My sweetheart told me it was okay from her hospital bed...with no hint of such a thought coming from me.  She was magnificent in every way.  As so many have already said...irreplaceable. Still, I hope I can find a way to share love in my remaining time myself...whether just a true friend, or someday more intimate...as we now share our grief, I hope and pray to share love.

Meanwhile, here is a different thought I keep having...what if I just enjoy the social company of the opposite sex? What if don't have expections beyond simple friendship?  It would help with the loneliness.  I'm participating in a group session on grief every Monday and a widowers group on Friday. 

Very well thought, Parachute...just enjoy the friendship...after all, a relationship starts with friendship...and if you are capable of more, in time, so be it.

[Jeff In Denver]

Thank you again for your comments.  Claribassist13, you sure have a way with words.  I do feel weak, though, as I believe that stronger people tough it out until they are more balanced.  I touch Mila's photo and tell her that this is not the life I want, that I am only doing this as a distraction, and that my heart is with her, and always will be.  

My Taiwanese friend wanted me to come to her mother's apartment today to help them with some legal stuff (I am not a lawyer).  It was one of those high rise senior places.  For some reason I got very sad there, and had to fight back tears.  I don't know why.  The place was unfamiliar and just a little shabby.  It made me feel very far from home, and that even if I had lived in place like that, Mila would have accepted me with her unconditional love.

Oh, and the ashes arrived today.  Another punch the gut!  Looking at them it was hard to imagine that this is what's left of a person who I love so much.  Roughly half of them go to Peru, half to her son here, and I get a small amount.  When my mother died, I was offered some, but wasn't interested. With Mila's, I really wanted them.

I just got back from an evening bike ride, missing her so much.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support here. 

 

 

[claribassist13]

1 hour ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Thank you again for your comments.  Claribassist13, you sure have a way with words.  I do feel weak, though, as I believe that stronger people tough it out until they are more balanced.  I touch Mila's photo and tell her that this is not the life I want, that I am only doing this as a distraction, and that my heart is with her, and always will be.  

My Taiwanese friend wanted me to come to her mother's apartment today to help them with some legal stuff (I am not a lawyer).  It was one of those high rise senior places.  For some reason I got very sad there, and had to fight back tears.  I don't know why.  The place was unfamiliar and just a little shabby.  It made me feel very far from home, and that even if I had lived in place like that, Mila would have accepted me with her unconditional love.

Oh, and the ashes arrived today.  Another punch the gut!  Looking at them it was hard to imagine that this is what's left of a person who I loved so much.  Roughly half of them go to Peru, half to her son here, and I get a small amount.  When my mother died, I was offered some, but wasn't interested. With Mila's, I really wanted them.

I just got back from an evening bike ride, missing her so much.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support here. 

Jeff,

It's my personal belief that the strongest people are those who wear their broken hearts on their sleeves for the world to see. The world expects us to shove it all down inside ourselves, mask it all, and pretend that nothing happened. That's completely not true! Our lives were just ripped apart six ways from Sunday, and we are not okay. That is my personal belief, but I hope that you will cut yourself some slack with all of this. 
It's only been a month. There is still a lot more for you to experience, so go easy on yourself. 

Isn't it painfully amazing to realize the kind of love we had? People talk about the kind of love we experienced as though it is only a fairytale, but we know better! Our partners were truly there for better and for worse. As Alfred Tennyson worte: "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". 

I remember when I first saw the urn containing my fiance's ashes. It was hard to believe that everything that he was had been completely reduced to a small bag of ashes contained in an urn about the size of my head. 
I am so glad that you get to keep a portion of her ashes. I have been begging his parents for a portion of his ashes for months now. I am so glad you do not have to go through that. 

We will always be here to support you. Just keep reaching out to us!

[KayC]

14 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

I remember when I first saw the urn containing my fiance's ashes. It was hard to believe that everything that he was had been completely reduced to a small bag of ashes contained in an urn about the size of my head. 

I remember feeling that way too, I got him back in a box about the size of a Kleenex box, and he was a big man.  They told me he was very dense (no fat), I knew that, he was all muscle.  That's why it's so ironic he had a heart attack.

[claribassist13]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I remember feeling that way too, I got him back in a box about the size of a Kleenex box, and he was a big man.  They told me he was very dense (no fat), I knew that, he was all muscle.  That's why it's so ironic he had a heart attack.

I still have a hard time seeing it. It doesn't help that his mother has all of his ashes hidden within her room. 

[velvettuberose]

4 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

I still have a hard time seeing it. It doesn't help that his mother has all of his ashes hidden within her room. 

I kept Walter's cremains for only 5 months and then placed them in a niche at a columbarium at Salisbury National Cemetery.  He loved the Army. 

I did not keep any.

I respected his wish not to be buried. 

And, yes, I had the same thought. A handsome man like my husband, strong,in a good physical shape, dying from a massive heart attack and  ending up in a box that small. It was just shocking...again and again and again...

[claribassist13]

I don't mind seeing his ashes so much. It's actually very comforting for me to be able to hold his urn. I just wish his mother would give me a small portion of them. 

[Krantz]

Claribassist13, do you have a good relationship with his mom? If so, have you talked to her about having some of your fiancés ashes?

KayC and Velvettuberose,  I'm still blown away myself that I lost my fiancé from a heart attack. We took care of ourselves and once in a while we'll eat fast food, we took multiple walks, drank lots of water, and try to lessen our stress each day.  and died from heart attack at 32 years old.  I'm so blown away and this should be one of the greatest times of our lives with our upcoming wedding and future.  We were both so excited starting our lives together then suddenly, he's gone.  Its so unfair and i'm just miserable anymore with him not being in my life anymore. He was my best friend.

[claribassist13]

1 minute ago, Krantz said:

Claribassist13, do you have a good relationship with his mom? If so, have you talked to her about having some of your fiancés ashes?

I have a great relationship with her. 
When he was originally cremated she had me pick out a necklace I wanted so some of his ashes could be put in. That was almost 7 months ago, and she has yet to do that. I don't think she's ready, and there will be nothing I can do about it until be is ready. 

[Krantz]

9 minutes ago, claribassist13 said:

I have a great relationship with her. 
When he was originally cremated she had me pick out a necklace I wanted so some of his ashes could be put in. That was almost 7 months ago, and she has yet to do that. I don't think she's ready, and there will be nothing I can do about it until be is ready. 

Do you know her plans with the ashes?  I know Adam's family wants to scatter them in Colorado sometime next year.  Hopefully in the near future, she'll be ready.  Do you think she'll be okay if you take them temporarily to buy the necklace yourself?

[claribassist13]

2 minutes ago, Krantz said:

Do you know her plans with the ashes?  I know Adam's family wants to scatter them in Colorado sometime next year.  Hopefully in the near future, she'll be ready.  Do you think she'll be okay if you take them temporarily to buy the necklace yourself?

She plans to bury them with her. 
I've talked to her about it. She doesn't trust me with his urn. 

[Krantz]

2 minutes ago, claribassist13 said:

She plans to bury them with her. 
I've talked to her about it. She doesn't trust me with his urn. 

Maybe if you buy your own mini urn and give it to her to fill, do you think she'll do that for you? I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time getting some of his remains. 

[claribassist13]

4 minutes ago, Krantz said:

Maybe if you buy your own mini urn and give it to her to fill, do you think she'll do that for you? I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time getting some of his remains. 

She won't touch it and she won't let anyone else touch it. I'm just going to have to wait until she is ready. 

[KayC]

claribassist,

It seems so unfair, because you were "his one" and the time you need them is now, when it would bring you comfort.  I know she's grieving, but so are you.

[Krantz]

I agree with KayC.  This isn't fair that she's not allowing anyone to touch it.  She is being a little selfish and you were his love, you deserve to have some of his ashes. Hopefully she'll be ready soon.

[claribassist13]

I talked to her last night. She said that I would have to take it in myself, except she wants his sister to go with me. I don't understand why I can't do it by myself. 

[KayC]

I would do it, even with her conditions.  It's hard to understand someone else's decisions when they don't explain themselves.

[claribassist13]

6 minutes ago, KayC said:

I would do it, even with her conditions.  It's hard to understand someone else's decisions when they don't explain themselves.

I will do it, but that means I have to wait until his sister comes home for a visit. At least I'll be ready by then.