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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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I don't really know how to start this but here goes, on the 5th of May this year after not hearing off my father that day and he didn't respond to any calls or texts, me (24) and my brother (19) went to check on him around 7pm, when we arrived we found my dad had passed away (56). I tried everything in my power to ressusatate him but I knew it was too late but continued until the paramedics arrived.

when the paramedics arrived minutes after, they made no attempt of resuscitation and made contact with the police. It took from 7pm to 1:40am for my dad to be taken by private ambulance to the coroners office. Which was so difficult as the layout of my dads home meant we could see him the entire duration, which was really distressing. 

My dad was with the coroners for 3 weeks before they finally released him to the funeral home so we could visit him in the chapel of rest. When we went to visit him I was apprehensive as I've always opted not to visit family in the chapel of rest (I've never been sure why) but this time I knew I needed to. When we arrived we were warned due to how long it has been we had to expect some changes. When we entered it didn't look like my dad, there was similarities but he looked so different, it really shocked me. I fell to the floor in tears.

Me, my brother and my sister arranged his funeral and it was beautiful. It really was so fitting for a wonderful man. 

We still have no answers as to why my dad is no longer with us and its really difficult at the moment. I've taken a 6 month interruption of university, I was 12 weeks away from qualifying as a nurse but I have lost absolutely all confidence in that career, as the first time I've had to put my CPR skills was on my dad and I failed. The paramedics said there was nothing that could have worked as they believed he passed away during the previous night. But I still feel so guilty.

ive barley been able to sleep, I keep getting flashbacks of the event and when I do get some sleep it's usually nightmares. I've trying to hold it together around everyone else as I've been there to support them but when I find night creeping in, and everyone is asleep I fall apart.

The only thing bringing some light at the moment is my son.  I feel like a passenger in my own life right now, I have no goals, no productivity and no answers. I just feel so so alone.

 Sorry for the long post. 

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Finney,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your father. You have suffered a traumatic event, and I'm sure you are still reeling from the shock of it all. You may be suffering from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), and you and your younger brother may want to get some professional help in dealing with it. 

Your loss is so fresh--not  being able to sleep, being afraid, anxious, angry, depressed and many other emotions are perfectly normal. Give it some time for your decision on your nursing. If the paramedics said there was nothing that could be done then believe them. You did what was humanly possible. As a nurse, you know there is just a small window of opportunity for CPR to work, and well, you didn't fail. Guilt is also a part of grieving. 

Keep talking to others. Share with your siblings. All of you try to talk as often as possible about how you feel. Talking helps. It's the best way to begin healing. 

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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I had a similar experience, my dad passed away this April and I was the only person living with him for a few reasons, he and my mom got a divorce when I was in middle school, my sister was living with her partner, and I was still with my dad because I don't yet have a job and I have some mental health issues that make it hard to live by myself anyway, so I ended up being the one to find him. He'd been really sick the day before and came home from work early, he worked as a flooring installer and he was working in a hospital that day and his coworker had tried so hard to talk him into walking into the ER since it was literally right there, but my dad had always been stubborn and he insisted it was nothing that serious, so he drove himself home and asked my grandparents to pick him up some medication for what he assumed was heat exhaustion. When I woke up the next morning around 10 am he still wasn't awake, which was really abnormal for him, so I went to his room to see if he was okay and found him with his eyes wide open and not breathing, I could tell the second I saw him, but I still tried to shake him awake before calling the paramedics. Within a few hours most of my family was there, my sister and her partner, my grandparents who were in shock (I can only imagine how awful it was to hear that their son passed away before them), and my aunt and uncle (my dad's sister and her husband). My mom lives in another state, but she was out here the next day. None of us saw it coming and it was a horrible shock to everyone, when we hear back from the coroner we found out he died from an untreated heart condition that had been likely caused by drinking and smoking (as I said, he as stubborn when it came to his health and hadn't seen a doctor for anything in years).

Being the one to find someone is unimaginably painful and I'm not sure I'll ever get the image of how he looked out of my head, and it's been hard not to blame myself for not demanding that he go to the hospital even though I know he'd have refused no matter what I said, I'm not even sure they could have saved him. I'm lucky enough to have already been seeing a good therapist who's helped me work through a lot of it, it'll never stop hurting, but I hope you can manage to keep going and work through what happened to your own dad.

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