Jealousy and bitterness

[socal2010]

I'm afraid these emotions will overtake me at some point. I never noticed it before but everyone seems to have their Moms living. Even on TV, some older person will talk about seeing their Mom. People in their 60's and 70's STILL have their Moms!

It seems that people who have lost their Moms are in the minority. I can't even talk to people who still have their Moms because they have no clue what it's like. A family member told me that "everything will be okay" and yet she's never lost either parent and also still has most her Grandparents. Who is she to tell me everything will be okay!

I feel so jealous of people who have their Moms. It's such a petty way to feel but I can't help it. I really just don't see how the rest of my life won't have a bitterness cloud looming over me. I would give up all the things I own and anything else I need to give up if I could have my Mom back. I wish I could go back in time and re-live the last 10 years. I need her so much.

[butterfly13]

I too, feel jealous of people and friends who still have their moms.I work in a Rehab with people who are in their 80's and 90's,I feel like my parents,and me, were robbed of so much time.I have friends at work who still have both parents,they are healthy,in their 80's,still living independently.My mom was 59,my dad 55 when they passed.I had the best parents ever,but didn't have them for nearly as long as I needed them.My mom was there to help me get through my dads death,but,nobody is here to help me get through hers-which has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.Last Christmas was my first one without my mom,when people at work were blasting Christmas music,I would have to leave the room-way too sad!My one co-worker actually said to me-why do you hate Christmas?I said-you still have both your parents,and so many other family members,I don't,when they are gone,you will see how sad holidays can be.When my one friend talks about how her and her mom go out every weekend,my heart aches.I loved doing things with my mom,we did everything together,I not only loved her as my mom,but I truly loved her as my best friend!I'm lost without my best buddy!And soo jealous of so many that still have theirs!!!

[socal2010]

I know what you mean. I feel that I'm grieving not only losing a Mom but losing a best friend. She was the one who really knew me the best and the one I confided in. My whole life she was the one I was closest too. Our relationship was completely honest and non-judgemental. She was my biggest cheerleader and I was hers.

My Mom also helped me through my Dad's death. I remember when he died I used to call my Mom just to hear her voice. I would just listen to her talk and feel so lucky that she was still here even though my Dad wasn't. Now I have no one to call. No one who I truly love like I love her. The only voice I want to hear is hers. I'm so mad that my Mom didn't get to live longer. She did everything right as far as her health and she went to doctors all the time to get checked and screened for things.

I've already been thinking about the holidays and how much I wish I could run away. Some family members will want to have their normal celebration and they will have fun and laugh. I can't do that. I'm not close to them so it's not comforting for me to be with them. I would rather be alone than to pretend to put on a happy face. Yet when I'm alone my thoughts are always so sad. I feel like I'm in limbo where I can't be with people but I hate being alone too. I just hate everything about life right now.

[butterfly13]

After my dad died,I did the same thing,I would call my mom sometimes just to hear her voice,to reassure myself that I still had her,and that she was ok.I would say to myself-thank God I still have her!Now my worst nightmare has come true and she is gone too!I go to work,I smile,but people don't know that my heart is still hurting soo much,that usually the minute I get in my car to go home,the tears start to fall.Everywhere I go,something reminds me of her,things I used to love to do with her,I can't bring myself to do anymore,it's just not the same,and never will be.My mom was also my biggest cheerleader,and no matter what,she was there for me.I have so many friends that can go weeks without talking to their moms,they just don't have the same relationship I had with mine.Sometimes I wonder now,if that would have been better-or maybe now it would make it easier to go on without her,but than again,I wouldn't trade 1min.I had with my mom,or the relationship we shared-I just miss her sooo much!!!!

[socal2010]

I know people like that too. I know people who live within 30 minutes from their Mom but only see her once or twice a year. I just can't imagine that. I also know people who are estranged from their parents and haven't talked to them in 10 years. It probably does make it easier for them when they lose a parent because they don't have the emotional connection. But like you say, it's such a blessing that we were close to our Moms, so I wouldn't change it. We just have to find a way to tap into all that love so that it can help us now. 

I cry in my car ALL the time too. In fact, sometimes if I'm feeling that nausous feeling of emptiness or dread, I will go drive aimlessly because I know the minute I get in the car the tears will come. Everything triggers me. In the grocery store, the music they play will remind of something and I'll start crying. I wear sunglasses now all the time just in case I have those spontaneous tears. Even walking by children playing outside brings back childhood memories and makes me cry. There's no escape.

[butterfly13]

wow!Your posts sound so much like the way I am feeling.I wonder all the time why God had to take both of my wonderful parents,I always wonder how anyone could be estranged from their parents,don't they know that their time with them could end any minute?I actually had a friend of mine complain a few weeks back because she had to go to her moms house for dinner!I told her-you better stop complaining,I would give anything to have just one more minute with my mom,all she could say was-I know,I know!!If I remember correctly socal,your mom just died 1 month ago?Was it unexpected?I am so sorry that you too are going through this hell.

[socal2010]

I can relate to your posts as well. It does feel nice having people who understand since no one in my actual life does.

Yes, it was one month ago yesterday. It was sudden and not expected. She did have health issues but she was stable for years. No one knew what was happening. She didn't know. I guess it's better that way for her sake. But trying to deal with having both my parents taken suddenly is too much for me. My Dad's death was even more of a shock because he was younger and didn't have any health problems that we knew about. I thought maybe God would be kind to me and at least give me time to adjust to my Mom passing when it was her turn. But instead, I got another shock.

Losing my Mom feels like this never-ending open wound that won't close. People tell me it will get better, which I know somehow it will, but it still won't be a good or happy life that I'll be living. I feel like I'll just go through the motions for the rest of my life. I want to live the life she'd want for me but without her here to see it nothing seems to matter. There's someone on another board who keeps telling me it's not good to be "dependent" on someone. She's hinting that I was too dependent on my Mom. But she's wrong because the reason I'm in so much pain isn't because I was dependent, it's because I LOVED HER so much. We were very close. Her loss is just so enormous.

[butterfly13]

One month is such a short time,especially since her death was unexpected,but even if it was,it is a devastating loss.Mine has been gone 1yr.June 7,she too hadn't really felt good for a few years before,but Drs.never found anything wrong.We thought she had a stomach flu that wouldn't go away,but when ever I wanted to take her to the hospital,she wouldn't go.She would say-they will just tell me I'm ok again.I really think she knew deep down that something was horribly wrong and I believe towards the end she knew she was dying(which breaks my heart).I never got to say goodbye to her,and that haunts me every day,but than again i can't imagine being able to say goodbye to someone you love so much.As far as someone saying that you were too dependant on your mom,nothing is wrong with you having had your mom as your best friend,other people should be so lucky!Me and my mom thought the same,had the same tastes,liked doing the same things,same sense of humor etc...I loved hanging out with her more than any of my friends.She was fun!She understood me better than anyone else,and I hear from your posts that your mom was the same with you-how could you NOT mourn the loss of that special person?I sort of remember that first month,I was like a zombie,I took that month off from work,barely ate,couldn't sleep-but when I did, I didn't want to wake up and face that stabbing pain called reality.I still have many mornings I wake up feeling that way,and sometimes I think I'm only getting through this by still being in denial.I honestly still can't believe that my best buddy is gone!

[socal2010]

My Mom and I had that type of relationship too. She always said "I gave birth to my best friend." And I definitely trusted her much more than any of my friends or other family. She truly wanted the best for me and she always had my back. I don't have that type of bond with anyone else. She will always be the best friend I ever had.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to know what was happening in advance. But like you're saying, how could you possibly say goodbye to someone who means so much? I think it would have been filled with sadness and tears, something that would have been so hard on both of us. So I guess it's better it happened this way. I just have that awful feeling that she was cheated out of precious time. She should still be here right now. I guess I'll always feel that way.

[butterfly13]

I too,feel that my mom was cheated out of life,I know that their were so many things she wanted to do in her life.My mom had me when she was only 20,so I feel like we kind of grew up together,but I also feel so cheated out of soo many years we should have still had together.The last week of my moms life I knew that she was sicker than I had ever seen her,I don't know if I kind of knew deep down that she might be dying,but like you said,I just couldn't say goodbye to her,it would have been the most gut wrenching thing for both of us.I have had alot of terrible dreams lately where I am trying to tell my mom that she is dying,she just looks at me with the saddest eyes and tells me she already knows.When I wake up from these dreams I feel so depressed,and my day is already ruined!What a nice thing for your mom to say-I gave birth to my best friend,how beautiful!My mom used to always say-I wish for you to some day have a daughter that is as good to you,as you are to me!

[socal2010]

I'm not sure if I had a premonition, but I had a lot of anxiety the month before my Mom died. I cried for no reason and felt anxious in my heart. But I didn't put two and two together. I didn't think she would actually die or that anything bad would happen. I would have dropped everything if I thought that.

My Mom wanted me to have a daughter too. She didn't put pressure on me but I knew she wanted that. Which of course makes me feel awful that I never gave that to her. She wasn't one of those people who always dreamed of being a Grandma but as she got older she did like kids more. In reality I was never in a position to raise a child, but now I wish I would have tried harder when I was in my early 30's. Maybe I could have looked harder for a man to start a family with. I always hated the thought of being tied down though and the men I met I never thought were marriage material.

At this point, there's nothing I can do about it, it's too late for me to have a family. It's not too late for you though, but I know it wouldn't be the same to you since she isn't here. I was thinking I could adopt but then I ask myself if I would be able to actually feel that joy without my Mom here to see it, and the answer is no. There would be a void and I'm afraid the child would suffer somehow because of the void I felt. I guess I just need to stop thinking about it. It's probably my main regret, other than a fantasy of winning lotto so I could have bought her a huge home that we all could have lived in.

[butterfly13]

I think I must have also had a premonition of my moms death.A few weeks before she died,I remember waking up in the middle of the night feeling very panicky and nervous.My first thought was to call my mom because I just had that feeling that some day very soon I would no longer be able to call her.I called and called until she answered-it was about 3A.M.all I said was-I just wanted to make sure you are ok,I had a bad dream,she said she was ok.I hung up and just cried and cried.I just had that strange feeling.                                                                                                     

I wish I had also tried to have a baby in my early 30's,but really wasn't that interested at that time.In my late 30's I tried as a single person through fertility treatments,I started 2yrs.before my mom died.She never pressured me either to have a baby,but I will never forget the look of happiness when I told her I wanted to try to have one.My Dr.was so surprised after multiple tries,nothing worked.I know my mom was so sad about this,but she told me if I wanted to stop trying she understood.Looking back,I now know why it didn't work-god knew I wouldn't be able to emotionally handle going through it without my mom.I now think that you can try and plan your life,but god has the final say.I'm not that religious,but I do believe in a god-although right now I'm not very happy with him.I'm now almost 41,and definitely done trying for a baby.Most of the fun would have been going through it with my best friend,now that she is gone,I just don't care anymore.:?

[socal2010]

That's good you tried because now you know it wasn't meant to happen. I would have never been brave enough to try on my own. I honestly never had a strong desire to have one but I always thought at some point I might. Then when my Mom died, I couldn't stop thinking about it.  Sometimes I wonder how I would deal with all this if I had small children. It definitely would not be a good situation. Even if she were alive, I probably wouldn't have been able to focus on her as much as I did if I had my own family to worry about. So in the long run, I know there are always reasons things don't happen. It seems like in the initial stages of grief, a person thinks about things in a more illogical way.

The past two days I keep wondering if I should move out of state. I know you aren't supposed to do anything in the first year, because you're not thinking clearly, but for some reason I keep wanting to leave. I feel that since she's not here now, I really have no reason to be here. I would rather live in a big city on the east coast.

[butterfly13]

Yes,I tried for a baby,it was so not meant to be,my mother used to say-at least you will always know you did try.If the last attempt had succeeded,I would have been 3months pregnant when my mom died.I am pretty sure the last few days of my moms life,she knew she was dying,I think it would have made her crazy knowing I was pregnant and knowing she wouldn't live to see the baby.Plus,I would have lost that pregnancy anyway,after my mom died,I barely ate,slept,or did anything healthy.I totally understand you wanting to move out of state.Last summer at this time,I was constantly trying to find out about other states to move to,I wanted to start over somewhere that doesn't have a memory everywhere I went.Yes,everyone told me to wait a year too,but I just wanted to start over so bad.I live in NJ,I had my heart settled on Colarado.But that desire died down a bit,and time passed,I still think about it,I just need the courage to do something so drastic.I just sold my moms house,the closing is on Mon.so maybe after that is settled I might start thinking about it again.Do you have any ideas of what state you would want to live in?

[socal2010]

I was thinking New York. There are some career opportunities there that I wouldn't have in other places, plus I always thought it would be fun living in the city. I used to think about Denver too but then I went there and wasn't impressed. I do love other parts of Colorado though. It's very beautiful. I need to be around more people though so that's why I was thinking about NY. I would love to live in the center of everything and walk to work, theaters, restaurants, bookstores, etc. Maybe it wouldn't be as great as I imagine but at least it would be busy. I love cold weather too so that wouldn't be hard for me. I actually always wanted to move there years ago but I would never leave my Mom.

My Mom's house is a big issue for me. I don't want to sell it because I hate the idea of having to go through her stuff and get rid of things. I probably will just keep it but then I think if I'm not in the state, would it be safe to leave it. The fact that I'm doing all this alone makes things seem harder. I don't have anyone to bounce ideas off of or plan things. Where were you thinking about going in CO?

[cloudsaj]

Hi i'm new to these boards but have been reading awhile.  I lost my mom 21 months ago next wednesday.  It still hurts and i think about her all the time.  Everyone says i have to move on but i just seem like i can't right now.  What you guys are talking about having children.  I don't think i will be having any.  I do love kids and have one nephew (my mom's 1st grandchild that she didn't get to see) but i don't think i will have any.  I think it would be too emotional not having her here to help me as i have no idea what i'm doing.   

Well sorry to just jump in here in the middle of your conversation but i have been wanting to join for awhile.  Hope everyone is well and will talk to you later.

cloudsaj

[butterfly13]

cloudsaj-So sorry that you too are going through this,you aren't jumping into our conversation,you can talk to us anytime also.I'm also so sorry that your mom never got to see her first grandchild,it makes happy occasions not so happy anymore,actually i think happy things make it worst,knowing that your mom would have loved to have been there to experience it.Everything is bitter sweet now.

socal-NY is great!I live about 25mins. from there,if you like the city life,than you would love it,action all the time!Yes,my moms house is sold,but I'm ashamed to say that I have not been back to her house in a yr.ever since she passed,and she only lived15mins.from me.My brother has been living there,taking care of things in the house,bringing things that my mom loved over to my house.I just cannot go to her house ever again,not without her there.I just know I would expect to see my mom coming down the stairs to say hello,and I just can't deal with that  when it doesn't happen.My brother will be bringing my moms ashes over to my house on Sun.something I'm dreading,I have never seen them.I guess I have been living in my own little world of denial.

[socal2010]

Hi Cloudsaj - We're glad you posted. People are crazy if they expect you to "move on". There's really no such thing. It's just something we all have to learn to live with and the timing is individual. I've been having some really bad days lately. This morning I woke up completely down and out. It took all my energy just to get up. There's no way I could move on from a loss this big. But hopefully I will one day be able to at least not have as much pain. It just hurts so much right now. I really miss her so much. I saw some pictures last night that I forgot about. They were close ups on her face and I could see every detail since I was looking at them on a big screen monitor. I could almost see the pictures come to life. I can feel the touch of her skin and hear her voice. I can't believe she's gone. 

Butterfly - I dreaded getting my Mom's ashes too. It actually turned out to be somewhat of a comfort. I felt like she came home. The urn is really pretty and something I know she would love. Sometimes I sort of hug the urn with my hands and talk to her. Sometimes it's a comfort and sometimes I feel so sad that this is what I'm left with....calling out for my Mom and crying to an urn. At some point we will spread her ashes like she wanted. That's the part I'm dreading, having to see the ashes leave. I almost wish I could just keep the ashes now. I hope having them turns out to be a comfort for you.

[butterfly13]

I seem to hear my moms voice in my head constantly,I hope I never forget what it sounds like,or anything else about her.Sometimes I will also sit and stare at her picture,every detail,not believing that I can never actually see her again.She had the best personality,the greatest laugh.Mornings are very hard for me too.I used to wake up and either my mom would call me,or I would call her to say good morning.Every now and than, my phone will ring around that time(usually my brother or a co-worker calling)and I still automatically jump up thinking when I answer it,it will be her,and this was all just a bad nightmare.Sometimes I wonder if I was too close to her?

I hope that I will also be comforted by having my moms ashes in my house,I know I will also hug the urn,crying.I think it's sickening that this is all I have left of her-ashes!!She was a beautiful person,and now she is reduced to just ashes!!!!!

[socal2010]

I know, it's hard to believe that someone so vibrant and with such personality is now just ashes. Was your brother the one who went through her belongings? I really hate the idea of doing that and I don't think I'll ever be strong enough. That's good you have him for support on stuff like that. What did he do with everything? I have no idea what my Mom would have wanted when it comes to that stuff. I know I will save anything she made.

She was a very artsy person and she did so many projects. Sometimes I look at them and feel the same thing as I do with the ashes. All that's left are objects that don't have her heart and soul. They aren't her. But then I try to remind myself that anything she made IS her. It's a part of her because she made it. I hope that someday I can look at it that way. I want to be able to hold something she made and feel happy, not sad. It makes me feel defeated or something. Like everything she was and everything she worked for all those years is just gone. I feel like my whole sense of family history is gone now too.

It's hard for me to look at pictures. I have avoided looking at her scrapbooks. I think my brain hasn't fully accepted it and maybe I'm protecting myself a little still. I see flashes of her everywhere. I imagine her sitting next to me or walking down the hall. Lately, I keep seeing her in the grocery store. It will be someone with her hair or someone wearing clothes similar to hers. When I see an older couple walking together I always ask God why she didn't get that chance. God never answers me. I've asked Him for help, I've told him I'm going crazy and that I don't think I'll make it through without having a heart attack, and He never answers me.

Editing to add: Have either of you done any grief counseling? I tried some but it doesn't seem to help yet.

[butterfly13]

My brother has helped me,my mom and him had a rocky relationship for years,but he ended up moving in with her the last year of her life(he was going through a divorce)and they became close again.He was the one who found her the night she needed to be rushed to the hospital,all he will tell me is that the way he found her,the noises she was making(which I heard over the phone)will give him nightmares forever.If I had been the one to see her like that-I would be even crazier than I feel now.He threw alot of things out those first few weeks,but kept the things she really loved and has brought alot of things over for me to keep.It did bother me that he threw things of hers out that I know she loved,but really,they are just things,and she will never enjoy them again,and I can only take so many things.He gave alot of her clothes to the poor,and some to me,we were the same size.

You are still so new to this,it doesn't really get easier,but the shock of it kind of eases.I do miss her more and more.I always thought-god won't let my mom die,he knows I really don't have any family left,he wouldn't do that to me.Boy,was I wrong!!I don't feel like he listens to me either,I just feel like he doesn't care about me at all.So many friends have husbands,kids,tons of family,plus both their parents still,why do some people get to have it all??I don't really care about anything anymore.I'm not suicidal,but I don't fear dying anymore.

[cloudsaj]

thanks for inviting me in and being so nice.  I am having the same thoughts as you guys.  I miss her so much and can't believe i will never see her again.  I still haven't gone through any of her things yet.  It's almost been 21 months but i just can't bring myself to do.  It especially hurts at night when i'm all alone plus it doesn't help that i'm living at home where my mom lived.  I have not tried any grief counseling.  did go to a therapist twice but then stopped.  I probably should go see a doctor as i haven't been taking my meds.  well trying to stay postitive, hope you all have a good weekend. 

cloudsaj

[socal2010]

Cloudsaj, I'm also staying in my Mom's home too. It does bring up certain things. Part of me thinks it's nice because I'm surrounded by her. But the other part of me thinks it's harder. Why did you stop the therapy? I have an appointment scheduled next week with a psychiatrist. I'm very nervous, but things got bad enough for me to need it. I hope it helps but I'm thinking it probably won't.

I know what you mean Butterfly. I'm not suicidal but I don't worry about dying now. I used to worry about that sometimes when my Mom was alive because I didn't want her to ever experience losing me. I know people who have lost a child and it's awful. So I would go to doctors mainly just for my Mom. Now I don't care. I'm actually curious about death because I'm wondering if I really do get to see her again. I hope so. I would never do anything to harm myself because I know that would hurt my Mom so much. So it would never even be an option, but I have occassionally been driving and wondered if someone should just drive into me so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain I feel right now.

Your brother is very lucky he had that last year to get close again. That was such a blessing for your Mom too. He would have felt so much worse if he hadn't. It's weird how things work. When my Mom died, I called some of her friends, and I was surprised how many of them told me stories about how they always regretted not being close to their Moms once they died. A few people told me their last conversation with their Mom was a fight. That would be so awful to live with. Even one woman I spoke to who is 86 years old and whose Mom died probably 40 years ago, said that she can't forget that she yelled at her Mom right before she died suddenly.

[butterfly13]

A few weeks after my mom died I went for counseling-I too only went twice.The first time I sat there crying uncontrollably,told my story.The second time I went a few weeks later,I had just lost my favorite cat unexpectantly,he was my only comfort after my mom died,and than out of nowhere he too died at 5yrs.old.So when I went back to my councelor I was again crying over my mom,and my cat.I don't think she really knew what to say to me,all she said was-I can sure understand how you must be feeling,you have had some great losses lately.She also told me that she felt like she wasn't helping me,that maybe I should join a support group,but that wouldn't start for a few months.I never went back.I hope it does work for you though,and you won't know unless you go.Good luck!

I give the 2 of you credit for being able to stay in your moms houses.Sometimes I feel like a coward,just kind of rolled up into a ball and let my brother handle the hard part-although I have been taking care of everything financially.I just don't ever want to be in that house again,she loved her house so much.Too many painful memories,funny how happy memories are the most painful.

[socal2010]

You shouldn't feel that you weren't brave. If I had a brother like yours who lived in the house and who could take care of everything, I would feel glad about it. In my case there really wasn't any alternatives, so I will try to do the best I can, which right now is basically nothing. I wouldn't really choose to stay here, I'm just doing it for her. I think it makes it harder. Especially since I can't really work up here so I have way too much time to think. In some ways, I do think it's better for me in the long run to stay here only because I can't distance myself or deny anything. The fact that she's gone is smacking me in the face everyday. It's probably making me reach out for help much sooner than I ever would have.

I went to a counselor after my Dad died. She did nothing. All she said was "it's like you were driving full speed and then hit a wall" or some lame thing. Then I went to some other place and all she did was take notes as I talked. I think there's a major difference between a counselor and an actual psychiatrist. Next week will be the first time I will be seeing an actual psychiatrist who can give medicine. I just hope he doesn't throw pills at me and think that's some magic cure. The next day, I am also seeing some other type of counselor through a hospice place. I'm basically reaching out for help and hoping one of these things will work. It's getting harder for me to deal with all this.  If I fall into a depression that I can't get out of, at least I'll know I did TRY to find help.

Last night I couldn't sleep at all. I finally fell asleep around 4am. I think I get so scared about how low I will feel in the morning, that now I'm almost avoiding sleep altogether. I hope you all are having a better day than me!

[butterfly13]

My councelor was free through hospice in our county,I hope the therapist you see is more helpful.I think it's smart of you to get help now,like you said,at least you can say you tried.I do feel lucky that my brother is here to help,I know alot of it is guilt that he wasn't there for my mom for so many years(his wife was most of the reason)and it broke my moms heart that months would go by without a visit or a phone call.I know he is so grateful he came back before she died,if he didn't,I don't think I could have ever forgave him for that.

I totally understand about not wanting to go to sleep,putting off waking up and dealing with the hell of reality.I do that alot too.Lately every time I close my eyes I just see my mom,hear her voice,and the tears start.I wake up at 3AM almost every night to watch John Edward-the medium who supposedly talks to the dead.I don't know if I really believe him,I'm trying to.My biggest fear is that my mom is nowhere,that once your gone it's all over.I have been reading alot of books on the afterlife,I just wish I believed 100%.My only hope is that when I die,I will be with all of my family again,it seems like the only thing I have to look forward to these days.

[socal2010]

That's so funny you mentioned John Edwards. I saw him on TV the other day. Normally I'm more of a skeptic about stuff like that. But he really did get some details right about the people he was talking to. Things that no one could just guess about. So I was watching and trying to figure out how I could get a reading from him. I guess he's super expensive. I don't know where he even films but I'm assuming he travels the country. Tomorrow there's a local event where they will have healers, psychics and holistic stuff. I was wondering if I should go just in case they have some type of medium. I almost feel like a fool for going but right now I would be curious enough to try it.

I understand completely what you mean about your brother's wife and those issues. My brother's wife is the same way. I still have some resentment but he did show my Mom a lot of love before she died even though none of us knew she was dying. She adored him because he reminded her of my Dad. That's the one time he really came through and did all the things he should have been doing all along.

[butterfly13]

I'm glad that your brother was also there for your mom towards the end.I know it meant alot to my mom that my brother was back in her life.She told me a dew weeks before she died-if anything happens to me,I hope you and your brother stick together,you are all that each other has.I guess my mom had a feeling she wasn't going to be around much longer,looking back,she said alot of things that now make me believe she knew deep down that she was dying.

I think you should go tomorrow.I have been thinking of going to a medium soon too.It's just so hard to know which ones are good,and which ones just want your money.I have found myself watching the show-Ghost Hunters.Some pretty weird things happen on that show,sometimes it just makes me feel better thinking-their must be something else out there,something else after this.I hope so!!

[socal2010]

I just got back. I met with the medium. She charges $1 per minute. I didn't think that was too bad but then I thought she'll probably drag out the time to end up costing a lot! She probably talks very slooooooow, lol. I told her I wasn't sure if I was going to do it, so I asked if she sees anyone around me. She said she saw "a young girl" around me. Well, I don't know one young girl who has passed away. So I just skipped the reading. If she would have said she saw an older woman I probably would have done it. Then on the way home I was crying in my car calling out for my Mom to come back. Sometimes I feel like a child who is lost at the store and crying out for her Mom. I wish the medium would have worked out today. I think she was a fake. I still want to look into John Edwards. Maybe he'll be coming to this area at some point, or if I ever go to NY I could see him there. I do think he seems to be better at it than most.

Yeah, my Mom said some things too that sometimes make me think she had some instincts about it. One time last year, when she was feeling fine, we were driving to get food and all the sudden she told me about a life insurance policy she started a while back. Things like that make me think she knew. But then again, I think maybe that's just part of how people think when they get older.

My Mom also worried about what would happen to me after she and her husband died. I have a blended family so things are a little different than a normal situation like you and your brother. I know my family loves me but it's not like I'm their priority in life. She worried I would be alone. She was right, I am alone right now. The thing that started making me feel less alone was connecting with people online who are feeling exactly what I'm feeling. People who were also very close to their own Moms understand me in a way that people in my life don't.

[butterfly13]

I'm so sorry the medium didn't work out today,I would have left too.I do believe that certain people are able to connect to the spirit world,it's just finding the good ones that is hard.My lawyer came to my house this morning and I signed over my moms house,very hard.My brother than came over with my moms ashes,his girlfriend put them in my spare bedroom closet,I haven't looked at any of it yet.It's a very weird feeling now knowing that my mom is in the house-I thought maybe I would feel her presence,but I feel nothing but sadness.I still can't believe that this is what she is now reduced to-ashes,it makes me sick to my stomach.

Even though I have my brother close by,he isn't much comfort,he deals with my moms death alot differently than me.If I start to talk about her,and start to cry,he just says-lets not talk about it.I had a boyfriend that I had been dating when my mom died,he was really no comfort at all.He would just say-she is in a better place.Two weeks after my mom died,I had tears that just started falling because we drove past the hospital that she had just died in,and he was like-why are you crying?When I told him I miss my mom all he said was-it's a part of life.Needless to say I no longer see him.The world just seems so much lonelier now!!

[socal2010]

I know what you mean about the hospital. I drive way out of the way just to avoid driving past the hospital where my Mom was. We should have never taken her there. I wanted to take her to a different one that's about an hour away. I wasn't there when 911 was called. I met them at the hospital and even then I wanted to move her. Then all the sudden she was gone. I still can't believe how fast it all was.

Yeah, I hate the whole "it's part of life" speech, or when people bring up other situations when someone else died much younger. I've had people in my extended family who died very young, so I'm aware that there are situations that are worse, but that still doesn't make it any easier losing my Mom. People don't understand that.  I'm actually kind of shocked that so many people I know seem kind of cold about this whole issue. I guess they can't understand since they weren't close to their Moms.

Sorry about having to sign the papers. That would be hard. I am so dreading that day. Is there a place in your home where you have a pretty dresser or some type of area that's elevated higher than a normal table? What I did with the urn was I found a nice place for it, then I polished the wood really pretty, then put the urn on top of it. I might add a cross or photo of her but for now it's just the urn there. The urn is very ornate and something my Mom would think was really beautiful so that kind of makes me feel good. I wouldn't ever look at the actual ashes. I had a friend who did that with her Mom, but that's just not something I could do. I'm dreading having to see them when her ashes are spread. I hope you will find some peace at some point with the ashes being there. I do know people who say that after a while they really find comfort with that. I know a woman who says that for the past 5 years she has talked to her Mom's ashes every day and would never part with them now.

[butterfly13]

Do you know what your mom died from?My mom wasn't feeling goood for a few years,but when she went to the dr's.they said everything was ok,they would say maybe she is just depressed.She would always say she didn't feel good,and I'm ashamed to say that even I was starting to question it.She was in the hospital a yr.before she died,with a broken elbow and leg.Everything else came back ok.In late April 08,she thought she had the flu,but it lasted,and than in June she was rushed to the hospital and died the next morning from total organ failure.Still don't really understand how that can happen.She was 59.

I do have a place on a shelf,in the spare bedroom(she loved this room)that I will eventually put her,when I get the courage.I have a heart shaped plaque that says-I LOVE YOU MOM,that I will put with it.I already do talk to her every day,especially when I'm driving.

I do have a friend that I grew up with who lost her mom 2yrs.before I did.It's strange,because even she will not talk about her moms death with me,or does she want me to talk to her about how my moms death is affecting me.It is very weird how people have been.The only person I feel would truly listen,let me talk,and understand how I feel,is the person who is now gone.She knew me better than anyone ever will.

[socal2010]

Yeah, the only person who would be able to take away the darkness isn't here. So it's hard. We have to find a way to do it ourselves because our Moms loved us so much, we owe it to them to try our hardest to have the life they wanted for us. I think we'll get there. It's just going to take time. We're extremely lucky and fortunate that we were close to our Moms. That's why we're hurting so much now, but in the long run, that's what will help us I think. I hope so anyway.

My Mom had health issues but was stable for years. She went to doctors all the time. She was just feeling tired lately but she got tests and everything was okay. I haven't looked at her death certificate because I just can't, but they think she had a fast growing cancer that shut her organs down. It wasn't treatable and the outcome would have been the same, but of course I still wonder what would have happened if they caught it earlier. The one thing is my Mom would have hated dealing with something like that so in some ways it's good she didn't have to. I just selfishly wish I could have had her here longer, even if it was just one week more. It all happened within a day. Sometimes I feel I'm still in denial and shock as a way of protecting myself from the horror of it happening. I wonder if she was in more pain than she said. I just feel awful that I didn't sense something bad was happening. Normally my women's intuition tells me things but it didn't this time.

[butterfly13]

I sometimes wonder if I should have gotten my mom to a hospital alot sooner,I kept asking her if I could take her,but she would refuse.I think she knew that her time was limited,and she didn't want to spend her last weeks in a hospital,but I do think she was in alot more pain than she ever let me know about.The drs.said that they might have been able to prolong her life by a few weeks,but that is it.I would give anything for even just one more day with her.

Your feelings are so normal,you are only a month into this.I don't really even remember that first month after her death,it's just a blur.I know I was in shock for a few months.I still wake up praying all of it never happened.My father will be gone 8yrs. soon,and I still can't believe that.I guess it will always be that way,but you are right,our moms would want us to go on and live a happy life.I honestly can't believe that I have made it 14months without her.It's so weird how life just goes on.

[socal2010]

That's the same here, my Mom didn't want to go to the hospital. I asked her a few times. The reality is they probably could have extended her life a little but they wouldn't have been able to cure her or give her a good quality of life. She really hated hospitals with a passion so it was better for her to stay home. I just wish I would have known what was happening, maybe we could have gotten her medications to make her more comfortable. I always start crying thinking about how she probably felt worse than what she told us but just kept trying to be strong. I don't think she thought she was dying though, which also makes me feel sad because I feel like she was forced to leave before she was ready.

I wonder how I will be in 14 months, if I don't go crazy in the meantime. That's great you have been able to make it through. I'm sure your Mom feels good about that. She was probably worrying about you. I think my Mom is probably wondering why I want to see a therapist and why I'm hoping I get medication since I never did that when my Dad died. His death seems like a million years ago now. It used to be the worst thing in my world and now my Mom's death is. The other day I was thinking that the two worst things I always feared already happened with both my parents dying. I used to have nightmares before they died, then I would wake up so relieved and happy that it wasn't true. Then my Dad died and those nightmares still happened, only this time I would wake up sad that he's gone, but grateful that my Mom was here. Now when I wake up in the morning I feel a hole in my heart. and I never feel relieved or grateful. I feel depressed and bleak. I guess now I have nothing to fear in life because the two worst things already happened.

[angel44]

social & butterfly i know how you both feel. my mom to was told that the drs could only prolong her life by weeks or days etc. i miss her so much too. i have found that i move forword with her still in my heart only when i am ready not when others are ready ! so dont take no crap off others telling you time to move on !  ps my mom gave birth to her best friend also. i miss her so much. if she was here i would try so many new things. but with out her here it just isnt the same.

[butterfly13]

I remember when my mom died,I thought to myself-nobody will ever understand how I feel,nobody ever had such a close relationship with their moms,but here you all are,feeling the same horrible way -I'm so sorry!I too,used to always fear the death of my parents,and than my dad died,after that I really feared the death of my mom even more.I still can't believe that the things I feared the most has already happened.Whenever I'm driving through my moms town,and hear a siren from an ambulance,I still automatically think-OMG,I hope that isn't for my mom,I hope she is ok,and than i realize that the worst has already happened,she's dead,and you can't gey any worst than that.

Yes,I made it through 14months without her,but when I think of how many more I have to get through,it makes my head spin.I don't know how I will be 5yrs,or 10 yrs from now.Will it get easier,or harder because it has been so long since I last saw her?I remember 8yrs.after my grandmother died(my moms mother)my mom just sort of broke down one night,she just kept saying how much she missed her mom.So I guess it never gets easier.:?

[angel44]

butterfly so true. it never gets easier. it really doesnt. you just adjust to a new normal. and i used to have dreams of my mom dying also ever since i was very little and then it happened. it has been a little over 2 yrs now w/o my mom. i still hurt very much. i wish she would have gotten better and lived to see how much better my life has become. my mom used to also cry when she thought of her parents also, as they had both passed closely together in 1994. hugs.

[cloudsaj]

I so know how all you are feeling.  it will 21 months on wednesday and i still wish she was here.  i'm only 26, 24 when she passed.  she missed my college graduation, helping me move out on my own, get married if i ever find anyone.  i think i even decided that i won't have any kids since i will be all alone and no one to help me and i have no idea what i'm doing.  I sometimes hate myself for switching my majors in college as she would of seen me graduate. 

Well hope you all are doing well.  i'm off to visit my brother and nephew tomorrow.  should be fun. 

talk to you guys later

cloudsaj

[angel44]

clouds aj i know what you mean about having kids also. i dont want any since mom isnt here. i mean whats the point ?

[silverfrost424]

I'm having this weird effect from the loss of my mom. It's not even been a week yet and it feels like it's been months... I've thought only of creating a better life for myself and the boys creating this new "normal" that it would almost be weird (though a VERY WELCOMED weird) to have her back.

My dad's taken up chain-smoking. His health problems are great, and I'm afraid he may not live long enough for us to finish grieving my mother.

I've always been very grateful for every minute that I spend with the people I love. I've often spoken of the brevity of life and the importance of cherishing the time that you've got. I guess I sort of thought that being grateful might ensure that I would have more time. One of my worst fears came true. I lost my mother. I have two little brothers to care for. It's awful.

But I haven't loss my faith in life. I'm determined to be happy, the way she would have wanted. I'm determined to give these boys an even better life than she could've provided. Her life will not have been in vain. I'll always miss her, but our time is over now. It's time to move on and love life again.

[angel44]

i am proud that you decided to help them. i know she is to. there will someday be a new normal in your life. i am at that stage now, even though i still havent accepted that she is not coming back. thats my way of dealing with it. i neevr give up hope that some day in my heart she may walk thru that door again, but thats how i stay sane. maybe just think of it as shes gone on a vacation for now. and pretend it to be so in your heart. thats how i survived when mine first left. my mind knew better but i just keep telling my heart she would be back in time. kind of like she was a kidnap victim.

[silverfrost424]

I think I can sympathize with that last part of what you said, butterfly. I'm so impatient to see how things will be years from now. Right now, I'm so full of guilt and pain, but even now I can become happy, dance around a bit, look forward to my future, and it's not even been a week. The crippling pain only sets in every now and again, and as long as I keep busy, I realize that my life's not that different. (This may be in part because of the fact that although my mother and I were great friends, and I loved her tenderly, we had almost absolutely nothing in common, so there aren't a lot of activities that I have to do now without her that I used to do with her.)

I haven't sat down and become morose and angry with reality yet. I've always been something of a Vulcan, and I think that has something to do with it. When I think of becoming inactive with grief, I think "what purpose would that serve? you'd just be ruining your *own* life then! *she* died, *you* didn't!" And yet, from what I've read on this forum, it seems like becoming totally angry and sad is inevitable, so if I *have* to do it, I want to do it now! I've got plans for the rest of the year, and I don't want to be incapacitated and unable to do them. Is there a way to speed up this grieving thing? I'm a busy woman.

When my mom's mom died, she was about 30 or so. I remember she didn't cry or anything, because she had children to take care of and work to do. She only ever mentioned her mother fondly, whenever she did, for the rest of her life. I can only hope for the same for me...

[socal2010]

It's interesting what you're saying Silverfrost about how your Mom dealt with her own Mom's death. My Grandma was only 43 when she died. My Mom was devastated. She ended up moving across the country afterwards, and now I'm wondering if she was escaping the pain. They were extremely close. She still cried about losing her Mom even recently before she passed away herself. I think it was the most painful thing that happened in her life. I wonder if watching the way our Mom's dealt with their own Mom's death will influence the way we deal with it now.

[silverfrost424]

I'm no psychological expert, but I think you might have a point there, Socal. I used to think often about how my mom dealt with loss. No matter who died in her family (her mother, cousin, brother) I never saw her get down about it. This was likely due in part to her unshakable faith in an afterlife and an immortal soul. But even that kind of conviction doesn't stop most people from mourning uncontrollably. My mother was nothing if not practical, and I've always admired her for that. I think that my own reaction stems partially from watching hers and knowing that I don't have to become crippled by my grief. I make it a point to tell people whose company I enjoy "I'm happy to have shared this moment of my existence with you" no matter how brief our relationship may last. (In fact, I'm more likely to say it to people whose acquaintance I'll only have for a short period of time.) All relationships are finite, and I've always been aware of that. While I lament the fact that it couldn't have lasted longer, paralyzing grief won't change those circumstances. Tis better to live one's life as best one can. I don't think it unfair to attribute this bit of knowledge to my mother who always made a practice of it. And I think for the sake of our children (genetically or metaphorically) we might all do well to practice something similar.

[silverfrost424]

I'm no psychological expert, but I think you might have a point there, Socal. I used to think often about how my mom dealt with loss. No matter who died in her family (her mother, cousin, brother) I never saw her get down about it. This was likely due in part to her unshakable faith in an afterlife and an immortal soul. But even that kind of conviction doesn't stop most people from mourning uncontrollably. My mother was nothing if not practical, and I've always admired her for that. I think that my own reaction stems partially from watching hers and knowing that I don't have to become crippled by my grief. I make it a point to tell people whose company I enjoy "I'm happy to have shared this moment of my existence with you" no matter how brief our relationship may last. (In fact, I'm more likely to say it to people whose acquaintance I'll only have for a short period of time.) All relationships are finite, and I've always been aware of that. While I lament the fact that it couldn't have lasted longer, paralyzing grief won't change those circumstances. Tis better to live one's life as best one can. I don't think it unfair to attribute this bit of knowledge to my mother who always made a practice of it. And I think for the sake of our children (genetically or metaphorically) we might all do well to practice something similar.

[angel44]

My mom missed her mom and dad so much that she cried many times over the years, they passed in 1995, and my mom grieved their death till her death also in 2007. I guess my mom and i are just softies :0). And I like that, I wouldnt have had my mom any other way.  I am just like her, she often reminized over her lost husband who died in 1960 and other losses to that broke her heart. She was so full of love and kindness thats just how she was. I am the same way. I often think of things mostly mom, that i have lost and feel such sadness yet hope that I will still do something good and positive in my life. I feel strength from my mom a lot, she was so trong yet so sentimental and soft inside. I admire that, it takes courage to hold on to something and love it even though its gone weather its a pet, a mom or a husband or what ever. She had such a good loving heart.  I too had premonitions before my mom passed on, dreams that were so real and vivid of her not being here or dying etc. I had such a strange feeling i to would go and look in on her when i would dream weird things. I feel like she to was cheathed in life, her first husband died in a terriable accident when they first married, and then she met my dad who beat and hit her and raped her. Then he took her two kids she had with him to mexico for 8 years and she searched for them in vain. When she finally saw them again he took them when they were 6&7 they were much older and were strangers. Those two had alcohol & drugs problems their whole life, they were abused and beaten by him all the time.

Then my mom got back for a short time with him and he raped her again and she had me. Then she left him for good. But do you see what a crappy life? And what a short and unfair life also. I know shes happy wheres shes at now, but i still miss her and always will. Some days are harder than others and some days are ok.

Social i need to be around other people also and want to move to las vegas to be near my aunt there but i absoul. hate the summer heat so this is one i may have to think about some more LOL, for awhile. I dont want to do anything rash &  then get where we cant afford to live etc and also cant afford to move back, i have a fair amount of belongings to haul with me and a cat.

So it wouldnt be to fun to have to double back if things didnt work out there, but for sure will think about it more. Las Vegas never sleeps, its awake all night also. I love that, as i feel lonely at night, I would like to be where we could just go and hang out or what ever and not spend money but just be a part of the crowd. 

 If you like the heat you ought to think about maybe going there, its got people all over all the time awake. I lived there for a short time with my mom before she ever got sick but i for different reasons didnt want to stay there and didnt like it either.

I felt like the casinos took all of my moms time away from me and they did. But now thats shes gone i have pretty much just the one family member there, the other family i have here is a nightmare to be around, i have a sister on drugs, a father who gambles all day and night you name it.

They bring me down, i cant stand to be around them. I love them but i cant be around them much. The father is elderly and is suffering from severe health problems as of late, i think he may also have parkinsons or something that causes tremors in the hands, he wont tell us what his dr says i think hes afraid to so we dont know.  So i do look forowrd to going to live by normal people, my aunt and cousin there are normal people.

 I miss them both, the cousin, well her mom passed away when my did. It was just a few months apart. They were sisters. Social,Butterfly & Novangel i feel your pain - just keep praying to God for strength and keep staying as busy as you can when possib. Thats whats helped me deal with my mom also is staying super busy all the time. Hugs --

 

 

[angel44]

[user=34037]socal2010[/user] wrote:

but of course I still wonder what would have happened if they caught it earlier.

this is true of me for my mom also. I also wonder what may have happened if they caught and treated everything sucessfully in short time how she would be now. If every one got amazing health care like the super rich & famous, i think  our moms would for sure still be here. Maybe not in 100 % of the cases but in many of them !

They get livers every year etc look at Larry Hagman ! They get new heart & lungs at the touch of a button at least compaired to the low income moms.

My mom needed new lungs, in 1994 if she had gotten them super early she may have been ok. Thats when she first got the real bad pnemonia started up. She had, had it a few years before but not as bad as that year. So i wonder what if also a lot. She got cheated in life by the health care system as i see it.

 

Many times she would go to the dr or hospital and she would get nothing done at all.  And she was sick. She needed their help. But they just thought oh well and went on and sent her home. I know we had enough to sue the drs and hospitals but i felt like what for, shes gone now. And it wont bring her back, prob. many others have felt the same way for sure with their moms to. Even before she passed on about 7 years before, my mom and all of us were like this just isnt good health care at all, we changed drs many times, the insurance was just terriable and it was all we could afford. So you get what you pay for, i have a aunt who before her husband & mother passed on and just recently her son also, told me exactly the same and she knows as she once had a ton of money, well for many years until her husband passed on and things fell apart.  She agreed all the way.

[socal2010]

Angel, I'm so sorry your Mom had those difficult times with her husbands and kids. You're right, it's not fair and she didn't deserve all that. I think moving away from the "crazy" would be good. I think you're smart to go there first to see if you would like it, before you bring everything with you. That's nice your husband is open to moving.

As far as me moving to Vegas, I'm like you, I hate the heat. I'm already in an area that's way too hot for me. I like cold air. I think back east is probably where I'll go eventually. I also have a lot of stuff so if I'm going to lug everything across the country, I need to make sure I will like it, so I'm planning on going for maybe a year first. Right now, without my Mom here, I can't imagine living here forever. I'm not going to attend all the weddings and b-days and events in the upcoming years without my Mom there. She was the only reason I stayed here. I actually wanted to go to NY when I first graduated school but I didn't want to leave my Mom. I don't know, maybe I won't like it there and end up back here. All I know is that when I started thinking about moving, I started feeling better. I feel the need to get out of this place and away from these people!

I have heard Vegas has a lot to offer nowadays, so if you do end up going, I hope you like it. That's good you have family there that you like. I have some "normal" relatives in NY too.

 

[angel44]

i hope you find what your looking for :0)