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Grief Plus Rejection and Abandonment


Umpqua

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I'm a new poster here and just lost my Mom and I hope this is the proper place for this post.

My Mom died 4 weeks ago. She had been ill for around three years so I was as prepared as I could be for her death, but that doesn’t make it any easier. She had chronic pulmonary failure coupled with a bunch of other conditions. Each time she went into the hospital with pneumonia and complications we lost a piece of her and she was a shell of herself by the final time she went into the hospital. She made the decision, along with me and my father, to remove her oxygen tube on this final visit. I basically booked my flights across country (my folks live 3,000 miles away, we’re on opposite coasts). I landed on the west coast in the early afternoon and my Dad drove us straight to the hospital. I visited with her for a while and then the nurses came and removed the oxygen. It was a long and difficult 10 hours after that and then Mom passed peacefully.

 

This was a horribly traumatic experience for me despite any possible preparations I could have made and I’ve been going through the normal grief process. What has been difficult is that Mom was an odd duck and a very private person, so we had no memorial service or funeral, not even a death notice. I ended up posting a death notice/eulogy for her on Facebook, which is completely out of character for me, simply because I felt a complete lack of support in the couple of days after her death. And this is where the second source of anger/grief has crept in and refuses to go away.

 

I am so thankful that my husband and my close friends have been close and supportive of me during the darkest time of my life. I’ve also gotten sympathy cards from my extended family and friends, which I am extremely grateful for considering the lack of service/celebration. What I’m struggling with is the complete lack of support from my in-laws, my husband’s family, whom I thought I was close to. While my folks live far away, most of them are close by and I have (or thought I had) a reasonably close relationship with the family, especially my mother-in-law. This family has some odd dynamics (don’t they all) and so our home has been the gathering spot for most family holidays and parties for many, many years. I have gone above and beyond as a daughter-in-law and sister-in-law over the years, offering not only my home but quite a bit of emotional support to this family. These folks have not bothered to reach out to me beyond a sentence of Facebook condolences, reacting to my post. Not a card, nor a phone call — not even a personal text or email message. I hate that we live in the age of social media, where a line on Facebook might be a passable sentiment. I should note that they barely knew my Mom, my parents have never made a point to connect with my in-laws. But the loss is mine, and I am the one who is hurting.

 

Is this normal? This is a family that has experienced tremendous tragedy. My husband lost his brother 11 years ago in an accident and the family rallied together then. I’ve been with my husband for 22 years, by the way. I thought I was close to this family, but apparently I misjudged. My husband actually reached out to both his sister and my sister-in-law to let them know I was hurting and feeling abandoned and yet they have not bothered to reach out to me. I actually emailed my mother-in-law directly and while she sent me a heartfelt email back, her excuse for not contacting me for weeks after the death was that she “felt awkward because there was no service and she didn’t know what to do.”

 

All I feel is anger and hurt. How am I supposed to deal with these people moving forward? I already told my husband the holidays and parties at our house are on hiatus for the foreseeable future - they will have to find someone else to sponsor their gatherings for the time being. I am just so hurt and betrayed. I understand that these people are self centered, self absorbed and obviously needy beyond comprehension, but I can’t excuse this neglect at such a troubling time in my life.

 

I know anger is a normal part of the grief process, but I’m not usually an angry person and am finding it difficult to handle this complete lack of support from those I trusted. Has anyone else gone through something similar? How do I get past this rejection and abandonment and move forward?

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I am so very sorry about your loss. I'm no expert, but if I were in your shoes, I think I would simply let them know again how hurt you are and how much you need them. I'm not making excuses for them, but they may not know what to say or do.  They may be simply oblivious of how serious your pain is. Funerals kind of sort all that out for some people.

Of course, I understand your anger. I would be so upset, too. I mean, it's your mother! Regardless of whether they met her, it's still YOUR mother.

Again, I would let them know how hurt I am. And continue to talk and share about your mother and how you feel.

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

 

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Dear Umpqua,

I lost my mum v recently too in tragic circumstances so I feel your pain. I really do.

I think something I've learnt over the last month is how death really cuts through the pretence of life and you find out who people really are. I'm not saying you in-laws are terrible people and they probably do care in there own way, but it seems to me that as much as they should be, they are not going to be the people you need to help you through this. But, other people, from the most unlikely of sources, will come into your life and be the support that you need right now.  Until tragedy happens I don't think we can really know who the people are that are far along enough there own life/spiritual journey to be able to understand and support us through the worst times in our lives. Sometimes it feels like the obvious people to help us through are people that have also experienced tradegy, like your in laws losing their son. But I think some people become hard and detached  as a way of dealing with their own grief and therefore are completely ill equiped for dealing with anybody else's.

I'll be thinking of you, know that you are not alone in your grief.

 

Lynz

 

 

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So sorry to hear you also lost your Mom recently, Lynz. Thanks for writing this, I've been going through much of the same thought process and I think you're absolutely right that we can't really predict how people will act/behave after a tragedy. I think I've accepted that some people just won't be there for me, for whatever reason, and that's on them and not me. It doesn't make it any easier, but it also makes me more grateful for the support network I do have in place. 

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I felt the same way when my mom died and not a single person from my church reached out in the midst of that busy hurting time to see if I needed anything. Not a call, not a meal, nothing. I remember standing at the counter trying to figure out how to cook a meal for my family...and not being able to manage it.... And just wishing that someone had been kind enough to think that maybe I needed a meal....or someone asking if I needed gifts wrapped since she died four days before Christmas.....or ANYTHING. My in laws are out of state so I didn't expect anything from them, but my church family would have been different. Or my close friends. Not even my closest friends brought me a meal. I think it's a sign of our society...........

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MissionBlue

Umpqua, I am so sorry for all you have been through without the moral support you deserve from family and friends.  As your mother-in-law stated, I think not having a service made most people unsure of how to deal with your bereavement.  Perhaps they assumed you were estranged from your mother.  When my mother died, hardly anybody showed up at her funeral, because she had been in a nursing home for 15 years, and since she didn't raise me after my parents' divorce, most of my relatives hardly remembered her.  I feel more anger and hurt over relatives who abandoned my father and me, when we needed them most, because we were blood relatives who had done a lot for them.   I think the basic reason they turned on me was envy over my inheritance.  It has taken a long time, but I have gradually come to accept that my relatives are not the same people I grew up with.  People change.  I think once I get my life in order, I will reach out to the estranged ones, but right now I'm too busy trying to move.  Once I'm in my new home, they may be even more envious, but that is the chance I have to take.  On the other hand, they may come over more often, because my new home will be more elegant and user friendly.  I agree with Lynz86, that death really shows you who your friends are.  And there will be people who come out of the blue to help you, like my friend Ernesto, who now lives with me.  I also reconnected with a former high school classmate who learned of my parents' deaths (just two months apart) through Facebook. 

Marianne, it isn't right that your church family and friends let you down.  I have neighbors who can be very mean and selfish, but even two of them brought me food a couple of times after the death of my father.  It is such a basic way to give comfort to a bereaved person.  But they knew I was all alone in my house with no one else to help me and I don't drive.  It's easy and inexpensive to feed one person, but feeding families is more of a challenge.   I think with most people the spirit is willing but the purse strings are tight, even when they have the money.   It's nothing personal -- I think the vast majority of people are not generous even though they may seem like perfectly nice people.  Some of the wealthiest people are the most miserly.   I'm not talking about billionaire philanthropists, but upper middle class people.  On the other hand, people are so busy these days that they don't have time to think of others in need of moral support.  Maybe there should be regular church dinners.  I recently read that even the "reclusive" author J.D. Salinger liked to attend church dinners.   Perhaps there should be a committee at your church to keep track of people who are ill or in grief, and have everyone pitch in for their benefit.  There were many days when I ordered in food for myself, because I had no energy to cook or even to shop for groceries.   I was lucky I could afford to do this for myself, because most of my relatives and friends live far away.   A few of them travelled great distance to take me out to dinner a few times, and I reciprocated, but now that it's a year and a half since my dad's death, I'm lucky if I get a phone call from anybody.  That's why I appreciate my housemate Ernesto so much, because he's someone to talk to and he likes to cook, though right now I'm cooking for him as he recovers from foot surgery.  He scolds me when I want to order in food, because I do have spendthrift tendencies.  

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It is tragic when family members show their indifference. I have experienced that many times with my son, but that is something I can not change so I try to make the best out of it.

I find it difficult to accept that my mom is gone forever and no I do not feel guilty for taking time for myself. If that means vegging out on the couch or just doing something just for the fun of it, so be it because I realize that my mind needs to go into those lapses.

I also have some very bad people in my life that are trying to interfere with my grieving process. People such as those will never get the recognition they seek from me. They may mention the names of criminals in books or newspaper articles but with me they will never get there. 

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internalexpeditions

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been experiencing something similar and it hurts tremendously. I hope that you find the support you need.

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