Fiancé suddenly passed away from massive heart attack

[Krantz]

My fiancé and I shared an unconditional love for one another. Everything about him was perfect in my eye and he made me extremely happy. We planned our wedding in CO and was totally looking forward to it, until the phone call I received when I was at work on June 1st. Adam was rushed to the hospital because his coworkers found him unconscious. At first they thought he choked on a piece of Apple because he was eating an apple that morning, but there was no apple to be found in his esophagus. Adam passed away immediately before he even arrived to the ER. Two weeks prior, he wasn't feeling too well. He woke up at 2am with indigestion. He ended up staying home from work the following day to rest then developed a small fever. He just felt exhausted and wanted to sleep. He was mentioning that his left side rib was achy and his back was achy. I kept asking him if he think it's his heart, but he kept saying, no it's my rib. He started a new job and his insurance didn't come in effect until June 1st. He told me he'll be fine because his family will have his back if he ever needed medical attention. Over time, the fever broke and the achiness was gone. He told me each day how he was feeling and just felt almost 100% besides feeling lightheaded here and there, but when he was sick, he didn't really eat and was sleeping so he thought it was from the weird bug. Memorial weekend we went to visit his family for a BBQ and he ate as normal, played yard games, etc. His family asked him how he was feeling and he responded, I feel good! Then three days later, he unexpectually passed away from a massive heart attack. 5 years ago (before we were together) Adam was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disorder and was sick for 5 years total. According to his death certificate, the main cause of his death is the heart attack, and the significant conditions that may be contributed to his death was the Eosinophilic fasciitis and diabetes. I just feel so guilty that I should've done something and known that these could've potentially be a warning. I'm so lost without him and would do anything for him. I feel like I failed him as being his fiancé. I love him so much and don't feel like I can on with my life without him. 

[claribassist13]

Krantz, 

You did not fail him as a partner. As much as we like to think we can, you can only take a horse to water. 
And I know that this is not what you want to hear, but part of your healing process will be to tell yourself that his death was not your fault. Like many things in this world, we cannot predict the future, and unfortunately accidents happen. What happened was an unfortunate accident that could have only been prevented by your fiance, and I am sure that he would not want you blaming yourself. 

[MadelineMQ]

Krantz -- It saddens me to know that others are experiencing the wrenching pain I feel, but I am happy to have found this site and find solace in knowing there are others who can relate. I lost my fiance and partner of seven years in a tragic accident five days after you lost yours--he was only 30 years old. He was on a trip in Michigan with his friends when he was in an auto accident on 5/26/16 and was thankfully the only person injured. I received the call the following morning and was told I needed to fly from our home in Colorado to be with him in the hospital. When I arrived he had already been placed in a medically induced coma and remained that way until he passed on 6/6/16. He passed with my family and his family by his side. Being with him in the hospital was the most traumatic experience of my life and I can't seem to shake the memories--seeing him lying there, and me feeling completely helpless. The grief feels impossible to bear, and knowing that he is the only person in the world who could possibly understand the loss I'm feeling is the most lonely feeling in the world. We purchased our first house in May 2015 and were engaged to be married on September 1, 2016. He was the kindest, most gentle person I've ever known. He loved me more than I've ever been loved before and I loved him more than I can even put into words.

I cant help, however, feeling guilt over all of the things I could and should have done differently. I'm trying desperately to just hang on to the fact that he was happy, we shared an amazing life together, and that the bright moments far out-weighed the dark. One thing that keeps me going is to imagine reversing the roles. If it were me who died, would I want him to live the rest of his life full of regret and sadness over the things that cannot now be changed (like, in your case, not getting him to the doctor)? The answer is absolutely 'No'. Not an ounce of my being would want him to suffer. If in life you both knew your love was real and deep, then in death he believes the same.

Lately I'm also feeling terrified about where he is now. We were spiritual and faithful, but not religious. Where is he? Is he with God? Does everything end when you die? Is he watching me when I cry? Is he sad to see me cry? Does he wish he could return or is he in a better place? I'm also struggling with the profound sadness I feel for him. He had his whole life in front of him and I was all ripped away in an instant. Of all the people in this world, he was one of the best examples of a moral, ethical, loyal, generous, optimistic, happy soul that I've known and he, of all people, did not deserve this.

I wish you as much peace as you can muster each minute and urge you to live each day in a way that would make him proud--to make him say "That's my girl! There's the person I know and love!" My thoughts and prayers go out to you today and tomorrow.

-M

[Jeff In Denver]

I am so sorry for your loss.  The trauma that you experienced... my heart goes out to you.

"Lately I'm also feeling terrified about where he is now. We were spiritual and faithful, but not religious. Where is he? Is he with God? Does everything end when you die? Is he watching me when I cry? Is he sad to see me cry? " 

I wonder the same things...   Does she see me spending my days writing about her, in anguish?

 

[Krantz]

Wow thank you so much for telling your story and for the advice MadelineMQ. My heart goes out to you. I'm trying to keep that in mind as well, he would want me to live my life the fullest. If I were to be the one deceased, I wouldn't want him to blame himself and live miserably. Adam was the most important person to me. I loved him more than anything and would do anything for him. He and I were planning on moving out to CO. Which part are you and your fiancé from? My fiancé has his love for CO and lived there for a few winters and worked at Eldora outside of Nederland and Boulder.

[MadelineMQ]

Jeff --

I read an interesting book a couple days after my fiance passed that truly helped me to answer the questions like "where is he?", "is he grieving?", or "is he in a better place?". It's called The Light Between Us by Laura Lynne Jackson (a certified medium) and you can get it on Amazon for under $20. I, myself, am not a particularly religious person but I am spiritual, I do believe in some sort of God, and I do believe there is something for us after our physical bodies fail. Regardless of what you believe, however, I found this book to be extremely beneficial in my healing process. It talks about signs as well--what we should expect, and what we are expecting that's unrealistic.  I hope some of you might order it and find comfort in it as well.

https://www.amazon.com/Light-Between-Us-Stories-Heaven/dp/0812987926/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467908733&sr=8-1&keywords=light+between+us

[Jeff In Denver]

Madeline, thank you for sending that!  I am not religious or spiritual, but I think about this constantly with my GF,  I will buy the book.  I will keep the group in mind.

Also, if you ever happen to be in central Denver, I'd welcome the chance to talk with you.  I am available after 3:30 PM Mon - Thu., after 11:30 AM on Fridays, and all weekends. Pablo's, a well-known coffee shop would be great.  We could start there and walk and talk.  I won't judge you, you can be as emotional as you want to be, I will listen to you, and I will do whatever I can to help you through this awful, awful time.  I mean that.  We're both in a bad way.  I am lost, vulnerable, scared, and miss her so much...  I need to talk.  Writing here also helps.

 And although our pain is different, we might be able to help each other through one-to-one talking.  I mean that.  Talking to friends about this just isn't the same.

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

Kranz,

I am so sorry for your losing Adam, and for the loss of your dreams together.

My husband also died of a heart attack and as I was reading your post I was thinking "heart attack", because he also had symptoms that we didn't recognize as being heart.  My husband also had indigestion prior to his fatal heart attack.  In his case, he made it to the hospital and was there a few days before having his final one.

I think it's common that we wonder what we could have done differently, yet the truth is, it might not have had a different outcome.   We acted on the information we had at the time, we aren't medical experts, we didn't know.

I think it's good that you're trying to keep a positive frame of mind and want to live your life to the fullest.  I know it's a tall order under the circumstances, but with your attitude and outlook, I believe you can do just that.  Wish you well!

[Jeff In Denver]

I heard this great quote on one of the Grief Recovery Method videos:  "We tend to beat ourselves up for what we didn't know when we didn't know it."

[Krantz]

Thank you so much. I've been beating myself up so much. I actually contacted his family doctors and spoke to her in person to get some sort of closer. She was sweet and told me I couldn't do anything to prevent this from happening. Unfortunately, heart attacks are sudden and quick..

[Jeff In Denver]

You did everything you could.  And I understand your contacting the doctor afterward.  I did the same thing, even with the hospice nurse.  You were totally consumed by this terrible thing and you needed information.  As I have said before, Adam was lucky to have you in his life.

People will tell you to be kind to yourself, to stop beating yourself up, etc., but we do it anyway.  I really hope that you eventually know deep inside that you did your very best and that you couldn't have changed anything.

 

 

[velvettuberose]

Krantz,

My condolences for the loss of your fiancee. I lost my husband, Walter, on January 4th, 2016 at 6:20pm. He too had a massive heart attack. He died in less than 10 minutes and there was nothing I could do about it. I blamed myself a long time after he passed because I should have insisted with him to see a cardiologist. He did not want to. He was in the army, stubborn and thought if he sought help, that would make him weak. Around New Year's Eve he felt extremely sad like I never saw him like that before. He was saying all kinds of things that did not make any sense to me. I think he was afraid of something. On New Year's Day he was better. Saturday and Sunday the same. He even watched the football game Carolina Panthers, his favorite team, against another team...I cannot remember the name of it.

The next day, Monday, I returned to work...I am a teacher. In the morning when I left, he was complaining of back pains. Later on , he said that he still felt some tightness in his chest. He made a doctor's app. for the next day. Now I know 100% that it was the heart. And I think he knew too...he was a medic in the Army. Long story short, he passed away that evening in my arms. The image of his face in that moment is something I will never forget. It was the shock of my life...I could  not picture my present and future without my precious Walter. I did speak to out PCP after Walter died and she told me there was nothing more I could do. Even the doctors of the ER told me the heart attack was so massive that the heart tore into half. 

So, you have done everything you were able to. Unfortunately, sudden deaths are the worse because there is no closure and so many unanswered questions. I feel for you. 

[velvettuberose]

On 7/7/2016 at 0:25 PM, MadelineMQ said:

Jeff --

I read an interesting book a couple days after my fiance passed that truly helped me to answer the questions like "where is he?", "is he grieving?", or "is he in a better place?". It's called The Light Between Us by Laura Lynne Jackson (a certified medium) and you can get it on Amazon for under $20. I, myself, am not a particularly religious person but I am spiritual, I do believe in some sort of God, and I do believe there is something for us after our physical bodies fail. Regardless of what you believe, however, I found this book to be extremely beneficial in my healing process. It talks about signs as well--what we should expect, and what we are expecting that's unrealistic.  I hope some of you might order it and find comfort in it as well.

https://www.amazon.com/Light-Between-Us-Stories-Heaven/dp/0812987926/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467908733&sr=8-1&keywords=light+between+us

Madeline,

I too had the same questions after my husband died. Where is he now? Was he in pain when it happened? Is he in a better place? Does he hear me crying and talking to him?

We are spiritual persons, but not religious. There is a Force out there in the Universe that balances everything. 

In the days following his passing, people were telling me, " He is with the Maker. God needed his angel. He is in a better place." and I absolutely stopped them. I did not want to hear any of that. All I knew was that Walter was gone and will never come back.

I will read the book that you found on Amazon. Maybe, it will give me some answers.

[Krantz]

Thank you Velvettuberose. I just never thought Adam would pass away at such a young age of 32. We lived healthier lifestyles, organic veggies and poultry, took multiple walks each day, always laughed and have fun, drank lots of water. I just don't get it... 

[KayC]

I've found that sometimes there aren't answers, at least none that would explain what we go through or would make any sense or answer "why".  When I gave up looking for an answer to why I instead focused on what do I do now.  Each of us as individuals are going to find unique purpose for ourselves and that takes a while to figure out.

[velvettuberose]

Kay,

I asked the Why question I don't know how many times. Why us? Why did Walter die at 45? Why didn't he focus more on his health? Why didn't I do to the doctor with him?

I will never get answers to these questions.

If I smile, I feel guilty because I have a moment of enjoyment and Walter is not here.

It sucks.

[KayC]

I give you permission to smile.  We have to do that, you know.  We can't live the rest of our lives being glum 100% of the time, it's not realistic.  Besides, the feeling sad comes often enough.

[claribassist13]

On 7/11/2016 at 7:18 PM, Krantz said:

Thank you Velvettuberose. I just never thought Adam would pass away at such a young age of 32. We lived healthier lifestyles, organic veggies and poultry, took multiple walks each day, always laughed and have fun, drank lots of water. I just don't get it... 

Sadly, there are times were there is really no answer. Sometimes horrible things just happen. 

[Krantz]

Unfortunately its true.  Sometimes there's no answers even when we try searching for them. 

[claribassist13]

22 minutes ago, Krantz said:

Unfortunately its true.  Sometimes there's no answers even when we try searching for them. 

This is a pain that will eat us alive if we allow it to. I've had several questions that I've had to tell myself to put away for when it's my time because I will never receive a good answer in this lifetime. I'll never get what I'm looking for until it's my turn to go. 

[KayC]

Years ago I read the book "When bad things happen to good people" and was disappointed because I didn't find any definitive answer...I don't think there is any.  Good things can come from bad situations, I've learned that along the way, but I've never found there was a reason "why" specific things happened.

[Krantz]

That's exactly my question, why do bad things happen to good people?! Like you said KayC, there is no definitive answer. It's so unfair and I just feel so angry that many "bad" people outlive the good. 

[KayC]

IMHO, I think life is pretty random, it doesn't always make sense and it sure isn't fair!

[claribassist13]

I have to agree with KayC. I refuse to believe that God gives us such love only to rip it away from us. 

[green7]

I think we all have asked the same question, "why"? and y'all are right, there are no answers. I hate it when people say " it was God's  will, or God knows what he's doing" or "God needed another angel" I don't believe it, I don't think God wants us to go through such a horrible pain just to test our faith. 

[KayC]

I can see red when I hear people say "It was God's will."  What makes them think they know God's will?!  It shows an air of superiority.  Besides, who needed them more than WE did?!  No, I refuse to blame it on God, not unless He knew something we didn't!

[claribassist13]

God allows things to happen or he wills things to happen. I just have a hard time figuring out why he decided to allow my fiance to die. 
But, that's a question that will go with all the other ones to ask when it's my turn. 

[velvettuberose]

When I hear people saying platitudes just like the ones you guys described, it makes me literally scream.  I refuse to believe that God is so cruel that he wants to see us suffer and not with our loved ones. 

My husband is not with the Maker. I don't know where he is. I don't know if he is in pain or not. I don't know anything.

I walk away from such people.

AS a matter of fact, I went to one of the GriefShare sessions and the message  is that God knows what he is doing and needed your loved one. I am sorry, but this is not acceptable. I stopped going. 

[Krantz]

I absolutely agree!  There are so many innocent victims of these attacks (especially over the past two months) and not only their lives are gone, but their families are suffering of loss of their loved one.  I'm really having a tough time having any faith, to be honest.  I respect others beliefs, but I'm having a difficult time believing higher power.  Mean while, there are so many cruel people who probably live until their 80s.  BS.

[velvettuberose]

Absolutely true...

[claribassist13]

I have never been overly religious or spiritual. I think the only reason I am now is so that I may have the smallest chance at seeing him again. 

[KayC]

Feeling you have lost your faith or can't seem to pray is common in grief, even if you've always been strong in that.  This shakes us to the very core!  That is not altogether a bad thing, as we question everything...when at last faith returns, it is stronger than ever, having been tested and tried to the utmost.  A person needn't ascribe to institutional faith (church) to have faith or hope.  Just be open to what you don't know.

Velvet, you say your husband is not with the Maker.  How can you be so certain when you say you don't know where he is?  I don't know what all religions teach, but I do know what the Christian Bible teaches...it says there is no more tears, no more pain.  That sounds like a good place to be!  This is my take on it (you can take it or leave it):  I believe energy never dies, only changes form.  As such, I believe their life continues, but they've shed their bodies.  As such, they are not bound to their body's limitations.  They have transcended them.  That changes things for them not only in the physical form, but in their perspective.  I believe they are in a more enlightened state.  I also believe they still love us.  If they do see our tears, I think they see them in light of that enlightenment and heightened perspective, so they view it differently than they might have here in their limitations.  Rather than cause them pain, I think they understand and know what is the outcome, and that we are limited in what we see, I think their hearts go out to us as they wait for our time to come to fruition.  Trust, hope, believe, we will be together again, and it will be something we cannot even fathom right now!  I don't know all the wherewithalls, but I trust it will be good.  

I look forward to being with my George.  Our love was so amazing and so strong, no mere death of physical body could separate us.  Sure, he can't physically hold me and audibly talk to me right now, but I carry him within me.  This has given me strength, encouragement, comfort, as I've faced loss of jobs, financial hardships, difficult decisions, loss of mother, loss of pets, over the years.  His love changed me, I carry that with me even now.

[velvettuberose]

Kay, I do believe that energy never dies. We are all energy. We interact with each other at the energy field. My husband is energy now that from time to time bumps into my energy field. I hope he is happy and not in pain anymore. I hope the demons that he battled are gone. At least he is free of all that turmoil he had to go through all his life. As unbelievable as it sounds, my mother-in-law is partially responsible for his demise. She put so much stress on him. People might say, "He was sick. He had a heart disease, so..." Did he deserve to die just because he was sick? That makes me mad.

My bond with Walter was very strong too.We felt  love the very moment we laid eyes on each other. I could feel every emotional pain he was going through. But when he died, I felt peace. Isn't that strange?

Why did he have to die?!!!

Anyway...I am rambling at this point. 

Yes, Kay, I agree with you, that our loved ones are forms of energy and they can see us and comfort us without any limitations.  

[KayC]

I don't think it's about what we deserve or don't deserve at all, I don't see that death has anything to do with that.  I don't think it's odd at all that you felt peace, given your exceptionally close connection with him, perhaps what you were feeling was HIS peace.

I haven't found any answers as to the "why", I long ago quit asking.

 

[velvettuberose]

Yes, you are right, Kay, I felt his peace, not mine. I was hysterical and no words could have calmed me in that moment. 

As to the "why" aspect, I'll probably ask myself this question over and over again.

[KayC]

[Jeff In Denver]

On 7/15/2016 at 7:28 AM, claribassist13 said:

I have never been overly religious or spiritual. I think the only reason I am now is so that I may have the smallest chance at seeing him again. 

Wow.  Again you echo my thoughts...  I know my post doesn't contribute to the discussion here, but I needed to say that.

[claribassist13]

5 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Wow.  Again you echo my thoughts...  I know my post doesn't contribute to the discussion here, but I needed to say that.

I've discovered the people in grief often grieve in similar ways. You are never truly alone in matter such as this. 

[Jeff In Denver]

That helps.  I woke up this morning not feeling too bad.  I felt as though I was going to see her.  Totally unrealistic, but that was a silly thought.  Then I felt crushed.  I every morning I hold the ashes, touch her picture, and talk to her.  At night I do the same.  I then start crying.  I asked her for another sign.   I was doing okay for a few days, but here I am again.  Coincidentally it's 5 weeks today.  I miss her so much...

[KayC]

It seems hard to believe at times, doesn't it.  We find ways to comfort ourselves...I have my husband's picture up on the wall in the living room and also above my computer, I look at them often.  It seems hard to believe that we really had a life together.

[Krantz]

For some reason, its hard for me to look at Adams picture and even seeing his name.  I want to see them and think of him of that happy moment when the picture was taken, but its hard because I get depressed knowing that I'll never see or talk to him again.  I have pictures up in our house, but I found myself avoid looking at them.  Is this normal!?

[Jeff In Denver]

3 hours ago, Krantz said:

For some reason, its hard for me to look at Adams picture and even seeing his name.  I want to see them and think of him of that happy moment when the picture was taken, but its hard because I get depressed knowing that I'll never see or talk to him again.  I have pictures up in our house, but I found myself avoid looking at them.  Is this normal!?

I understand.  I don't think there is a "normal" with this stuff.   There isn't really a road map.  We just have to do what works and avoid what doesn't.  It all sucks, either way.

[claribassist13]

8 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

That helps.  I woke up this morning not feeling too bad.  I felt as though I was going to see her.  Totally unrealistic, but that was a silly thought.  Then I felt crushed.  I every morning I hold the ashes, touch her picture, and talk to her.  At night I do the same.  I then start crying.  I asked her for another sign.   I was doing okay for a few days, but here I am again.  Coincidentally it's 5 weeks today.  I miss her so much...

I have woken up everyday for the last six months hoping to see a text from him on my phone. 
It's completely natural, no matter how much it sucks. 

I am so, so sorry that you are having to go through this. Know that we are all here for you. 

[claribassist13]

4 hours ago, Krantz said:

For some reason, its hard for me to look at Adams picture and even seeing his name.  I want to see them and think of him of that happy moment when the picture was taken, but its hard because I get depressed knowing that I'll never see or talk to him again.  I have pictures up in our house, but I found myself avoid looking at them.  Is this normal!?

Normal is whatever helps get you through the day. Early on, I had days where all I could do was look at his picture. Other days I couldn't look at them without crying. 
If you can't look at them, then that's okay. It will take time, just remember to give yourself that time to grieve however you need to. 

[Krantz]

40 minutes ago, claribassist13 said:

Normal is whatever helps get you through the day. Early on, I had days where all I could do was look at his picture. Other days I couldn't look at them without crying. 
If you can't look at them, then that's okay. It will take time, just remember to give yourself that time to grieve however you need to. 

Its so hard.  I miss him so much and the emotions have been hitting me more since I moved back to our home this week.  I've been a wreck and I constantly feel like I'm on edge.  I don't know what to do with myself anymore. He made me so happy and I don't think I can ever feel happy like that anymore.  I feel miserable. 

[claribassist13]

3 minutes ago, Krantz said:

Its so hard.  I miss him so much and the emotions have been hitting me more since I moved back to our home this week.  I've been a wreck and I constantly feel like I'm on edge.  I don't know what to do with myself anymore. He made me so happy and I don't think I can ever feel happy like that anymore.  I feel miserable. 

You did just move back into your house. You are dealing with all the feelings that have yet to arrive because you've been away from home. It will probably feel like this for a while. Remember that you've only been living this for about six weeks. Combine this with recently doing things with his ashes, and you are probably going to have several days of feeling like this. Your brain is doing a lot, so just let it do it's job. 

Don't worry about being happy right now. Worry about sleeping and eating. 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Krantz said:

For some reason, its hard for me to look at Adams picture and even seeing his name.  I want to see them and think of him of that happy moment when the picture was taken, but its hard because I get depressed knowing that I'll never see or talk to him again.  I have pictures up in our house, but I found myself avoid looking at them.  Is this normal!?

I went through periods of having them up, taking them down, having them up, taking them down.  I finally put them back up and up they stayed.  We have to do what is right for us at the time.

[Krantz]

18 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

You did just move back into your house. You are dealing with all the feelings that have yet to arrive because you've been away from home. It will probably feel like this for a while. Remember that you've only been living this for about six weeks. Combine this with recently doing things with his ashes, and you are probably going to have several days of feeling like this. Your brain is doing a lot, so just let it do it's job. 

Don't worry about being happy right now. Worry about sleeping and eating. 

Thank you and yes I'm hoping it will get easier.  Last night was one of my worse nights, luckily his parents and brother called me when I having a moment and just talked to me to calm me down.  Its so nice having his family has a great support.  His parents want to come visit me tonight for dinner, so it will be nice to have them there.  My brain is hurting because of all these emotions..

 

55 minutes ago, KayC said:

I went through periods of having them up, taking them down, having them up, taking them down.  I finally put them back up and up they stayed.  We have to do what is right for us at the time.

I have a feeling that I'll be doing the same thing with our pictures.  Every time I see his picture, I feel like crying... Life isn't fair and I wish he's here..

[claribassist13]

Sadly, your brain is going to hurt for a while. Just let it do its thing. 

[Krantz]

Unfortunately.  Thank you!