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He made me look him in the eyes

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Last Sat. June 4, my fiance and I were having a great day! Laughing and being silly. At 7-45 everything was good, still being silly. At 7:55 he flipped. Didn't see it coming. Kicked out window in truck. I was by mailbox when he ran up, said you're gonna want to see this. Had a bad feeling so I didn't look. He said. Paula. You're really gonna want to see this! He waited til I made eye contact then shot himself in the head at 8:02.... Looked at phone a few hours later. At 7:58 he sent text. I love you, I'm sorry! 

It was so unexpected! He's not the kind of Guy to do that. Especially to leave me with that memory! He would never do that to me! 

So now I see it every time I close my eyes. I relive the feeling I had in that moment. I can hear his voice saying those last words to me. Except it really wasn't his voice ugh

Now I'm lost without him. Walk around our house in circles. A friend said I probably need to talk to someone. I've always been very strong, but I'm definitely not feeling strong right now

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Oh My God, dear Paula.  This is just too traumatic for anyone to go through alone.   You will want to definitely seek some help with this.  You have my deepest prayers.  Post traumatic  syndrome can be very painful. Calling your local hospice or mental health office will be a good first step.

In the meantime, here are some music and meditations that can help:





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