Crying every night

[BsMom]

He was born last August. from the moment I held him I imagined our our entire life together. After a month he got sick with what appeared to be a simple cold. He recovered from that one with antibiotics. But a month later he got sick again, this time worse. We started therapy again and he recovered, but soon he got sick again with uncommon infections. I took him from doctor to doctor but the therapies didn't work in the end and he died of pneumonia before he was 4 months old. They told me it was a very rare immunodeficiency disease. What added salt to my wounds was my own father constantly telling me to let him die and undermining every therapeutic decision I made whether it was the cost or the futility (even though we are lucky to be financially well off) 

The day he died I cried and then took a lot of sedatives and slept. I was numb for the first month after his death. I forced myself into a routine and I started medical school. But ever since medical school I cry every night after hearing the name of an infectious disease or antibiotic. I cry for the fictional pediatric cases that we study especially the immunodeficiency ones and the ones where children die. I still can't look at my baby's pictures. No one at school knows about what I have been through. All I do is study to take my mind off of my baby, but at night before I sleep I cry and cry until my tears run dry. 

And I'm angry at my father. I hate him and I blame my baby's death on him. I have cut contact with him but what is the point of that? It won't bring my baby back. At one point I even told my father that I wish him to be dead. 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

B's Mom,

I'm so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy. I lost my daughter, Trista, just over three years ago. She was 17 years old. Many parents post and share on the Loss of an Adult Child thread. It's a very active thread. It doesn't matter the age of your child... 4 days, 4 months, 4 or 40 years... they are our precious babies. The loss is soul shattering and everyone there understands the pain. There are those there who also lost infants and understand the pain of that loss. Some there have been here for years and years and stay to lend a hand to those newer to this journey we never wanted to be on. I remember the early days so vividly and that intense acute pain. Now, at three years things have started to soften. I've learned how to carry this grief a little better and am finding some footing again. It is a forever thing. We grieve as long as we love and our love for our babies is forever. Just hold on tight. One moment at a time. Anger is such a natural response and I was filled with it at times... and still am in certain moments. If you want to, please go to the adult child thread and read through some of the older posts or if your able, post and share your story. You will find so much understanding and compassion there.

 

[XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX]

BsMom ~

i am sooo sorry -~~~

[Cheryl, Tony's Mom]

B's  Mom,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby.  I lost my son on Easter Sunday, March 27, 2016.  It changed my life.  I have found more comfort on this site than anything else.  Just realizing someone KNOWS my heartache.

I know you are mad at your father, but hate serves no purpose.   My husband is the same way.  He was his stepdad for 36 years. I just choose to use my energy for my grandchildren, my other son and daughter in law.  It is not a day that goes by that I don't cry. I just try to keep moving. Scared to stop,  Sometimes anger is easier to deal with than the overwhelming grief.  

I will be praying for you.

Cheryl, Tony's Mom