I lost my mom, my best friend

[ValG]

My mother got her angel wings on May 21, 2016. She had been in the hospital for two months. During her stay she was treated for pneumonia, had fluid drained from her heart and lung, then had fluid drained from her lung a second time. She was released to rehab,  and then sent right back to the hospital for a GI bleed and put on a ventilator for three days. Each time she would recover and it would seem like she would be able to go to rehab then eventually home again. Then, on May 3^rd she texted me that she had another GI bleed. This time she would not recover. She had to have more than 8 units of blood (I quit keeping track) and became very sleepy. Over time she quit responding to me or the nurses. She was very swollen the he last week of her life. Then doctors put a NG tube in to feed her without telling me, I found out when I visited her that Monday. They kept giving her fluids despite her being so swollen. By Thursday the Doctor called me and told me that she was unstable and was not going to make a recovery. I called in hospice that Friday May 20^th and by Saturday morning she was gone. I didn’t make it to the hospital before she passed, and maybe that was a good thing. I don’t know if I could have handled seeing her take her last breath.

Her last days haunt me, I wish she could have been made more comfortable, but I don’t think she was until her last day when hospice put her on a morphine drip. I wish I was asked before they shoved a tube down her nose into her stomach, I would have told them not to. I wish things had been different.

I want my mama back so badly, but I know she wouldn’t want to come back to that broken body and suffer any more. I know that I will see her again, but it doesn’t stop the intense pain that I feel. I miss her, she was my best friend.

[MayFGL]

I'm so sorry for your loss, ValG. It's very unfortunate that some doctors don't know what they're doing. There are a some members here that blame the doctors for their loved ones death. The doctors were wrong to keep giving you dear mom fluids despite being really swollen. I really do feel for you. 

My mom last day at hospice will forever be burned in my brain. She suffered a major stroke. She was there for almost 2 weeks. She was in a feeding tube for almost 2 weeks at the hospital. Once she went to hospice, the feeding tube came off. While in hospice, it didn't click for me that it'll be the place where mom is going to pass. No food. No water. It seems so inhumane. The only water she gets is when we swab her mouth. Every time she seems to suck on that swab and don't want to let go.  It's going to be 14 months for me. I still cry. I was mom's main caretaker. I miss my mom so very much.

ValG I'm so glad you joined this site. You are officially a member of this club. This is not a club where none of us want to be in. A lot of us post on the thread Lost of a Parent. If you want, you can join us there. Take care.

Love and Hugs

May

[Lottie_Lulu]

I felt so guilty when my Dad died. I felt I should have sat with him until the end. I never thought I'd ever get over that feeling, but 6 weeks later I am finally beginning to see that I couldn't have done anything, and it wouldn't have helped me at all being there. I know how you feel. I also sometimes felt my Dad wasn't given the right treatment but I found out afterwards he was; he had heart failure which led to kidney failure; he too swelled right up (his skin would split and breakdown because he was so swollen) and he too had fluids. Apparently without them he wouldn't have been able to get rid of any fluids (he had a catheter) and would have build up even more toxins. It's just all so difficult to look back and think things should have been done differently. I found it very helpful indeed to go and speak to his consultant after he died who took me through everything they did, and what they were actually thinking at the time. I found out they didn't tell me a lot of things, for example they kept saying we had to make a plan for him to leave the hospice even though they knew he would die in there. They also didn't tell us he had severe dementia, I kept asking for a test but no one would do anything and the most they did was test his urine. I think though they knew they're coming to the end, and they did say there were things they weren't going to do as there wasn't much point (daily blood tests for example which just made him endlessly bleed). Sorry I have rattled on about myself, but my point is I know exactly how you feel about thinking things could have been done differently.

Even though their body has given up it's still so desperately hard to know they've gone. I assume that gets easier with time, at least that's what people say, although I really don't believe it at the moment.

 

[Tochter]

Vaig, your feelings resonate with me, my mom went through similar difficulties before passing. I did not know that patients do not get food or water in hospice. I am sure glad my mom did not also have to go through that. But I do know that her days in the hospital and lung clinic were really bad too. The only thing that I also knew however is that the doctors were able to drain her fluids and she could breath better. 

I traveled thousands of miles to see her one last time and one day after I arrived at her home she had a terrible day while hardly being able to breathe, even with oxygen. I imagine it was fluid buildup. I could not take it after 10 hours of watching her suffer so terribly. At first she wanted to just go, but after talking to me and my father she went to the lung clinic. I couldn't bear to watch her die at home only one day after I got there. But it was also terrible to visit her in the hospital because conditions there were not ideal either.

Why is it that sick people have to loose so much of their humanity in the last days of their lives? I thought she may have a little more time and after I had left to go home she only lived another week. 

I blame my father for her troubled life, fully knowing that he abused her mentally. He even continued this behavior during her toughest time of illness and while she was dying. It is like this guy has no heart. I am now in the process of cutting ties with my entire family because just today a member of the family asked me to open a bank account in my home country, despite living in the U.S., and to actually safekeep the money for my dad since he has to go to a home soon. Meaning they know that the laws in my home country dictate that the money from the house would be given to the state to get him the care in assisted living. So they wanted to hide the money in an account in my name.  I was so set back by such a request that I realized whoever gets into my dad's claws will be lied to and abused. That is what he did to my mom and now he would have no qualms to do that to me too. 

I will always honor my mom, what a strong woman she was and in my mind still is. She was so abused by this man that she didn't even know anymore that that was not normal. The abuse to her was so normal that she even apologized to her tormentor. I have done similar things, now I am much smarter and would never ever give an abuser that kind of satisfaction. Watching my mom as an innocent victim and realizing that I too had made those same mistakes make me mad, even though now I know that I would not do that anymore.

My mom is a great person and it has not even been 5 days yet since her passing and this so called family of mine wants me to be involved in money fraud so my dad can keep his stinking money.

Disgusted, so disgusted, certainly reason enough to cut ties right now with this monster.

 

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry that we all had/have to go through the loss of loved ones.  Definitely the toughest thing we will face in this life. Lottie_lulu, you nailed it!  There is nothing that any of us can do.  Other than now ... and that is to try and honour our parent(s) in being the best people we can be.  In thinking of those last days and hours of losing a parent is a memory that may stay with us forever but whenever I think about it, I give thanks that it didn't go on longer and mostly that our loved ones really are in a much better place.  

Me, I'll just keep on plugging away doing the best that I can until it's my turn to depart.  Take care everyone .... may we all be blessed with comfort.

Cindy Jane