Losing my baby suddenly

[ISH1521]

I'm having a really hard time dealing with the death of my precious cat named Gus... I got him and his sister a little over 7 years ago when I got my first place of my own.. they both were my constant companions. I had decided to let them be indoor/outdoor kitties because I got them from a farm and really had a hard time keeping them in.. I tried to just barricade my porch so they could only go there but before long they were too interested in the outdoors.. constantly bring home mice and birds.. and snake and whatever else they could get a hold of.. I always knew there would be a chance of something bad happening to them...but I felt they were happier outside then being stuck indoors and that I was okay with my decision to let them be out door kitties.. we had over 40 acres of wood area out behind my house..but we did have one busy road the lead to my driveway..but my driveway was long.. I was always worried.. but they always came home at night.. 

Fast forward 7 years they have been still going outside I've added 3 more animals to my household- 3 dogs.. ( I had another cat but she went missing last summer and never returned home.. in my heart I know shes gone.. but I like to think a nice family found here and took her in, makes me feel better) Sunday morning was the MOST terrible morning of my life.. my brother came over super early..which was very weird.. but I went to the door.. and he just blurted..."Gus got hit".. I was soo confused.. was her hurt..was he alive..was he dead.. I didnt know what to think..I just ran to the car and opened up the trash bag he had put him in.. I just couldn't believe it... it just cant be him.. It just couldn't...but it was... his distinct orange hair..with his white nose and belly...white paws...I couldn't take him being in a garbage bag.. so I took him out and wrapped him in a shirt..and just sobbed and held him and patted him...patted his sweet face, his little belly, and his tail.. i was uncontrollable .I couldn't believe my baby boy was gone... I don't know if it made it worse seeing him... he was so stiff and so cold..he had a small bit of blood on his cheek.. that I believe collected from blood that had came from his nose or mouth.. but other then that NOTHING. .he seemed fine..all his limbs were in tack.. he didn't have any scruff marks.. we believe he died instantly .. must of ran into the tire and broke his neck or hurt his head.. we buried him shortly after.. I couldn't take seeing him dead.. we buried him under a beautiful flower bush.. 

its been 2 days.. and i'm still such a wreck.. I just cant believe that after so many years of being near this road.. that he would have gotten hit..especially because it had to happen late sat night or early sunday morning..when there is barely any traffic...he was also very scared of cars..and very familiar with the noise having a car drive in the driveway while holding him he would jump and run in the opposite direction..so it makes me think he must have been being chased or spooked by something whether a wild animal..or another territorial stray cat we have in the neighborhood..I just feel so lost..and cheated by his death.. he was a healthy and happy boy and had such a long life ahead of him...and I am haunted by his memory.. every time I think of the cute things he did like..when he was trying to be cute and would fall of the couch.. or when he would purrr sooo loud.. when we were trying to sleep.. he was also the only cat who would podge me that I could con him into giving me a back rub...He'd snuggle me..and when I didnt pay enough attention to him he would plopp right over on my head... it makes me smile but it also kills me knowing that it will never happen again.. not seeing him rubb up against my legs.not being able to craddle him like a baby...give him sweet kisses on his mouth.. .he was the most special kitty I have ever had.. and to know I will never have that again.. which makes this unbearable.. I find myself looking out my window just to see if by some miracle he will come home.. 

Ive been trying to process my emotions as best as I can..and dealing with the grief end of it.. I know i'm experience a lot of denial..which i find difficult because I saw him.. I know hes gone.. but I keep thinking hes still gonna walk thru the door.. I wake up in the middle of the night..and turn my porch light on to see if hes out there.. its strange..and I keep going back and forth about letting him outside..because Saturday evening I let him in...and it was the last time I saw him.. I went to bed really early because i'm pregnant and have been having issues sleeping.. but my husband wasn't home yet..so I think when he got home..he must of snuck out which was quite common with him..both my cats come in shortly fill up on food and then go back outside..  he would always sneak out right before we were about to go to bed.. we'd always run out and try to catch him..but he didn't want to come in.. it was his choice.. he loved the outdoors and I do find comfort in knowing he was doing his daily routine just this time..something happened and he lost his life.. i find comfort in knowing another animal didn't get him..and tear him apart..he didn't get squished..and he didn't feel the pain.... I got to bury him and get to visit him when i'm sad.. but i've had other animals who have died..but i have never felt this way about it before.. id always been prepared for it.. all my past animals lived well into their teens some into their 20s.(all outdoor/indoor kitties). so when they went it was their time.. I just miss my baby boy and wish so terribly he would have came home.. 

and now im having issues with my babies I still have.. my Sophie so badly wants to go outside...shes the real hunter of the two.. she loves being out doors more then Gus did.. and I cant bring myself to let her go.. I know shes not happy being indoors..but im not ready for it.. were trying to spoil her because her and him were brother and sisters and have been together since birth.. and they always slept together and wash each other...but she doesnt seem to know hes gone..she probably does..but she doesn't seem sad.. maybe its cuz we've been trying to snuggle her and be with her constantly..but its hard she reminds me so much of him and it brings me happiness but also brings back my sadness.. its just not the same anymore.. our family is not whole..and I dont know if it will ever be.. 

 

Sorry for the long winded story..It just makes me feel better to get this off my chest

[ISH1521]

Just now, ISH1521 said:

I'm having a really hard time dealing with the death of my precious cat named Gus... I got him and his sister a little over 7 years ago when I got my first place of my own.. they both were my constant companions. I had decided to let them be indoor/outdoor kitties because I got them from a farm and really had a hard time keeping them in.. I tried to just barricade my porch so they could only go there but before long they were too interested in the outdoors.. constantly bring home mice and birds.. and snake and whatever else they could get a hold of.. I always knew there would be a chance of something bad happening to them...but I felt they were happier outside then being stuck indoors and that I was okay with my decision to let them be out door kitties.. we had over 40 acres of wood area out behind my house..but we did have one busy road the lead to my driveway..but my driveway was long.. I was always worried.. but they always came home at night.. 

Fast forward 7 years they have been still going outside I've added 3 more animals to my household- 3 dogs.. ( I had another cat but she went missing last summer and never returned home.. in my heart I know shes gone.. but I like to think a nice family found here and took her in, makes me feel better) Sunday morning was the MOST terrible morning of my life.. my brother came over super early..which was very weird.. but I went to the door.. and he just blurted..."Gus got hit".. I was soo confused.. was her hurt..was he alive..was he dead.. I didnt know what to think..I just ran to the car and opened up the trash bag he had put him in.. I just couldn't believe it... it just cant be him.. It just couldn't...but it was... his distinct orange hair..with his white nose and belly...white paws...I couldn't take him being in a garbage bag.. so I took him out and wrapped him in a shirt..and just sobbed and held him and patted him...patted his sweet face, his little belly, and his tail.. i was uncontrollable .I couldn't believe my baby boy was gone... I don't know if it made it worse seeing him... he was so stiff and so cold..he had a small bit of blood on his cheek.. that I believe collected from blood that had came from his nose or mouth.. but other then that NOTHING. .he seemed fine..all his limbs were in tack.. he didn't have any scruff marks.. we believe he died instantly .. must of ran into the tire and broke his neck or hurt his head.. we buried him shortly after.. I couldn't take seeing him dead.. we buried him under a beautiful flower bush.. 

its been 2 days.. and i'm still such a wreck.. I just cant believe that after so many years of being near this road.. that he would have gotten hit..especially because it had to happen late sat night or early sunday morning..when there is barely any traffic...he was also very scared of cars..and very familiar with the noise having a car drive in the driveway while holding him he would jump and run in the opposite direction..so it makes me think he must have been being chased or spooked by something whether a wild animal..or another territorial stray cat we have in the neighborhood..I just feel so lost..and cheated by his death.. he was a healthy and happy boy and had such a long life ahead of him...and I am haunted by his memory.. every time I think of the cute things he did like..when he was trying to be cute and would fall of the couch.. or when he would purrr sooo loud.. when we were trying to sleep.. he was also the only cat who would podge me that I could con him into giving me a back rub...He'd snuggle me..and when I didnt pay enough attention to him he would plopp right over on my head... it makes me smile but it also kills me knowing that it will never happen again.. not seeing him rubb up against my legs.not being able to craddle him like a baby...give him sweet kisses on his mouth.. .he was the most special kitty I have ever had.. and to know I will never have that again.. which makes this unbearable.. I find myself looking out my window just to see if by some miracle he will come home.. 

Ive been trying to process my emotions as best as I can..and dealing with the grief end of it.. I know i'm experience a lot of denial..which i find difficult because I saw him.. I know hes gone.. but I keep thinking hes still gonna walk thru the door.. I wake up in the middle of the night..and turn my porch light on to see if hes out there.. its strange..and I keep going back and forth about letting him outside..because Saturday evening I let him in...and it was the last time I saw him.. I went to bed really early because i'm pregnant and have been having issues sleeping.. but my husband wasn't home yet..so I think when he got home..he must of snuck out which was quite common with him..both my cats come in shortly fill up on food and then go back outside..  he would always sneak out right before we were about to go to bed.. we'd always run out and try to catch him..but he didn't want to come in.. it was his choice.. he loved the outdoors and I do find comfort in knowing he was doing his daily routine just this time..something happened and he lost his life.. i find comfort in knowing another animal didn't get him..and tear him apart..he didn't get squished..and he didn't feel the pain.... I got to bury him and get to visit him when i'm sad.. but i've had other animals who have died..but i have never felt this way about it before.. id always been prepared for it.. all my past animals lived well into their teens some into their 20s.(all outdoor/indoor kitties). so when they went it was their time.. I just miss my baby boy and wish so terribly he would have came home.. 

and now im having issues with my babies I still have.. my Sophie so badly wants to go outside...shes the real hunter of the two.. she loves being out doors more then Gus did.. and I cant bring myself to let her go.. I know shes not happy being indoors..but im not ready for it.. were trying to spoil her because her and him were brother and sisters and have been together since birth.. and they always slept together and wash each other...but she doesnt seem to know hes gone..she probably does..but she doesn't seem sad.. maybe its cuz we've been trying to snuggle her and be with her constantly..but its hard she reminds me so much of him and it brings me happiness but also brings back my sadness.. its just not the same anymore.. our family is not whole..and I dont know if it will ever be.. 

 

Sorry for the long winded story..It just makes me feel better to get this off my chest

My sweet Gussy Boy... I love you<3

[Rocky and Ginger's Mom]

I'm so sorry for your loss,Gus is beautiful. Guilt is part of my grieving and I think it's quite common to think if I only did this or that. My baby was 10 and I will never know what caused his death.i still cry everyday and he passed on 5/28. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for what should have been done, a piece of me died that day with him. I call out my Rocky's name daily like a fool hoping I will see a sign, crazy as that is. I have another cat whom I love too,a female,but my boy is gone and it kills me. Sounds like you did everything to keep your boy happy and that matters a lot. I pray for you and all who lost pets and pray we will be with them again one day.

[forhim7]

My heart is broken for you!  What a tragedy!!  Yet good to know how deeply you and Gus loved.

[Bradyboy]

ISH- I am incredibly sorry for what you are going thru. The same thing happened to me just a few days ago with my cat Brady.  I was so confused too-literally the same thing he looked alive. It doesn't seem real at all. I am in denial. I keep looking for him thinking he's going to come back. What you said is the EXACT same way I feel. Cheated by the death, so sudden, first experience of sudden death, so haunted, he had so much life to live. I feel it is so effing unfair that this happens to amazing animals. I cried reading your post. If there is any comfort at all I feel for you and I know exactly how you are feeling. I just try to think he is in kitty heaven playing and hunting and so happy. I would do anything to bring him back. I hope as days pass you will feel better. We will never ever forget them.

[ScootersMommy]

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet and precious Gus. He's a beautiful boy.

I know exactly how you're feeling right now. Last Friday, I had to say goodbye to my baby, Scooter, who was with me for 18 years. The emotional roller coaster is the worst. One minute you feel sad, the next you're angry, then you feel numb... I woke up today feeling a little better than I did yesterday, that is until I found some of his little hairs in the lint collector of the dryer while doing laundry. I have never in my life experienced such tremendous grief...even when humans I love have passed. Our furbabies show us this unconditional love that people just can't. I miss him so much, and the thought of living the rest of my life without him seems so unbearable, but I keep telling myself that time will help ease the pain. I dread all of the "first withouts" and the "never agains". I try to take some comfort in knowing that this deep grief that I'm feeling now, just shows the great, endless love that I have for him. He had a wonderful home, full of love and affection, which I know Gus had as well. 

Please don't blame yourself... It's in our nature to ponder the what if's, because I've done it too. Truthfully, it was just in God's plan for them and nothing we did differently would have changed that. I wish I could tell you how long this immense grief will last, but sadly, I cannot. I'm still breaking down at random times and going through all of the different emotions without rhyme or reason, but I'm just trying to let it all "be". I'm not trying to keep myself from crying, or change how I'm feeling at any particular time. I'm just trying to let myself feel how I'm feeling without judgement as I'm hoping that will lead to my path of healing. I celebrate little victories each day...like if I wake up and go two hours without breaking down instead of waking up crying... Or, if I walk passed a photo of him and smile instead of cry... Just little things that tell me I'm a little better than I was the day before.

I am so sad that we all have to feel this pain. But, it's a testament to how much our precious babies are loved, and that's a beautiful thing. Just know that we are all here to help each other through the grief. *hugs* to you, and I will blow a kiss to Gus up in Heaven.