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Bereavement and Anxiety


Lottie_Lulu

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Lottie_Lulu

My dad passed away 6 weeks ago and I am finding it almost impossible to cope. I have suffered from Generalized Panic Disorder most of my life and I am the Panic Attack Queen. However I had worked very hard on reducing my anxiety, and I was able to get on with most tasks even though things like travelling a long way still flummoxed me. However since my Dad died my panic has ramped up so high I just want to lie in bed for the rest of my life. 

My Dad was a - there isn't a nice way to say this - a terrible father. He instilled fear in me from the moment I was born and taught me how to hate myself and everything I did. I can barely remember any good memories with him, everything is tinged with his verbal and emotional abuse. I was also his carer from age 13 through to 40 when he died, so I've given up really all of my life to look after him. He'd often complain that I wasn't working - I did manage to hold down some good jobs while looking after him and looking back now I can see how screwy his way of thinking was. I can see clearly now how mentally ill he was and in the later stages how he got very severe dementia. He was very good at telling me I was wrong and confused about things, and I believe everything he did was my fault. 

During his final month he was in hospital then a hospice. It was the worse time of my life; my beloved mother fainted in the bathroom two weeks before he went into hospital and had a massive head injury, I had to resuscitate her on the bathroom floor. The sheer fear that charged through me at the thought she might die before my father is something I can't shake off. She came out of hospital then collapsed again, and a week later my Dad collapsed and I found myself ringing for an ambulance for the third time. I sat in A&E with him from 9pm to 6am despite having proper full blown flu and just wanting to die myself. I then spent the next month with him, getting everything sorted out and doing everything he needed. In return he was vile and repeated every time of abuse he'd exhibited to me growing up in the space of a month. When he did finally pass though I felt so guilty about not being there with him. I knew he had only a few hours left but he was in a coma and I just couldn't cope anymore. What really killed me was when we left him for the last time he tried to sit up in bed when he heard me talk, for my mum and brother he just laid there. I felt we finally bonded, even though so much of his last days were spent being so verbally aggressive. 

My problem now is my anxiety has come back full pelt. I went to my GP who said I need to go into bereavement counselling, and there's nothing wrong with me. He has prescribed beta blockers but somewhat ironically I am too panicked to take them. I just feel like I'm going to keel over most of the time. I get hot and sweaty and my brain doesn't engage. I feel everything around me is heightened. My friends keep telling me it's still early days and to look after myself, but I am not even sure what looking after myself means anymore. I feel I have fallen over a massive fence and I am stuck the other side, I can see the fence I need to climb back over but no idea how to do it. Real life and how I used to feel is on the other side of it. I am struggling to come to terms with the fact my father has actually gone and died - he was terminally ill for 8 years with heart failure and it's been so stressful, even for his medical team - but also because i feel all the abuse of the last 40 years has come to hit me in the face. I live at home with my mum because she is too frail to live on her own. My dad was 85 but he so didn't want to die that I don't feel I can say he was a good age. Maybe in time I will be able to accept it was a good age.

Any tips for dealing with anxiety? Will this get better?

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I am having the same problem with anxiety, my mom died six weeks ago from today and all I want to do is lie in bed. I do manage to get up and go to work but It's an awful way to live.

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I'm wondering the same. My way of dealing with my anxiety in the past was to spend time with my Dad, but he passed away almost 2 months ago and I feel lost. I haven't made it back to work yet and I'm terrified to go back. Everyday tasks are making me anxious and stressed so im dreading what work will do to me. I decided I'd find a nice photo of us to hold on to to help but I can't find a decent one :(

 

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Lottie_Lulu

I wish there was an easy answer to this, I've made some steps to try to get back on the road to recovery and that does seem to have temporarily calmed me down. I emailed about my bereavement counselling (tried calling but couldn't even dial the number with being in floods of tears so am hoping they do actually check their email) and I've been doing two lots of meditation a day which is designed for anxiety. I also took a dose of the beta-blockers my doctor gave me so I'll see if they work; even though they're an anti-anxiety drug I had a massive panic attack after I took a dose (the smallest possible dose which probably won't be enough to do anything) and felt I couldn't breathe and was having a heart attack. I'm too tense at the moment even to eat a meal and I have to literally sit myself down like a child and convince myself to keep going with it. I'm also having dreams where I am really frustrated with people, mainly it's people breaking my stuff and not thinking it's a problem, I did wonder whether I am just very very frustrated at feeling anxious all the time. I feel like my body has gone into a state of emergency.

I'm sorry you are panicking over going back to work Nutella, what do you do? Do you have a long journey to get there? Are you employers sympathetic to you losing your Dad?

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Good on you calling the counselling service, ive found them really helpful.  Is what happened with the medication a common side effect. ..or do they take some time before they start working? 

It sounds like your situation is really overwhelming between the shock of dealing with your parents collapsing, the trauma of a lifetime of abuse and now the shock of your Dad passing away.

It's cliché I think...to say take care of yourself and put yourself first when you can...but I'm finding it's good advice. After everything you have dealt with and I could be wrong but your identity has been affected so much by your dad's abuse (how could it not be)...now the abuse has stopped it's understandable you're panic will have increased even more. You've lost your dad you knew and loved and maybe even a dad you hoped you one day would have. And now any hopes of that have been shattered. Go easy on yourself it would probably be odd if all of what you've gone through wasn't taking an additional toll on you. 

I'm part of a fraud team, my jobs about attention to detail but I can't even remember to brush my teeth so im going to give it more time before going back. My commute is short, and my employers seem understanding, I don't know how understanding they would be in practice if I went back.

I've seen counsellors in the past before my dads passing who recommended I talk to the doctor about medication and I was too nervous too, ive had rubbish doctors. Now I want the help and I feel they brush it off as grief is usually temporary though i'm seeing a different doctor next week and I'll see what happens.

I hope you start to feel some relief from your pain in the not too distant future.

 

 

 

 

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I think I really need an anti-anxiety medication to help me through this  difficult time. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow so maybe she can prescribe something. I never thought my mom's death would cause me so much stress. I can't seem to figure out what's triggering this reaction.

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Diane Eileen

Hi there. I've worked as a volunteer for hospice and with families who are dealing with strong grief.   Please know feeling anxious is quite normal when we lose a loved one.  Also when we are stressed with grief we may forget things, and feel goodness we are really "losing it".    I have some ideas that have helped quite a few clients and families feel better without having to resort to medications.  First Youtube music is your friend.  It's free, and you can play it from your computer  or smartphone.  Here are some meditations and music that have helped.

OM Meditation - (Sorry if inappropriate commercial in beginning.  It ends quickly.)

 

I hope this can help.  Please let me know if you need any other assistance.  I am diane@yourlettersfromheaven.com -  www.yourlettersfromheaven.com

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Diane Eileen

Also another wonderful resource for helping you with anxiety and unable to sleep is self-hypnosis.  It's available again for free on Youtube.  I find Michael Sealey to have one of the most relaxing voices I've ever heard.  Please do yourself a favor and give this a try for your anxiety and depression.  You'll be feeling noticeably quite better soon.  You may want to listen just before going to sleep each night.  It works wonders!  Really I've used it myself and again many of my clients.

Your can always reach me at www.yourlettersfromheaven.com  or diane@yourlettersfromheaven.com is you need to talk.

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Lottie_Lulu

Thanks every one for the help. I am now on a very low dose of beta-blockers to see whether that can calm things down at least for a few days (I need to un-learn being stressed and anxious) and I am doing lots of meditation. 

Izzy - I know exactly what you mean. I was so prepared for Dad's death, we'd been waiting for it for years. It seems so weird that now my body has completely freaked out on me. My body just feels like an unpredictable toddler that I can't control. 

Nutella - the side effects of beta-blockers are I think being out of breath and very slow heart beat, so when I take them it's like my body is going "you might overdose!" and I either end up very stressed or else how I feel now which is I have virtually stopped breathing. Doesn't help that it's humid and thundery here. Being part of a Fraud squad sounds like a very stressed and detailed job, I'm a writer which at times is very therapeutic and and other times feels as though I am just replaying what's been going on.

I suspect if I started to go out again I would perhaps feel a bit more human, but am not sure I can manage it at the moment. I just want to lie in bed and watch junk on youtube until my brain heals. I think baby steps is the way to go. 

 

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Well my doctor increased my medication (Lexapro) from 10 to 20 mg with the hope it relieve some of my anxiety. I am hoping that I will feel better soon.

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Diane Eileen

I hope it helps, Izzy48!  Just give it some time for the medicine to work.

 

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