I lost my mother 22 hours ago

[Hurt]

I am a 41 year old woman and I just want my mum back! This sounds childish but I wish I had one more chat with her, there is so much I did not let her know enough. Is it normal to feel all this kind of regret and wish I could have showed her more how much she meant to me?! Do other people experience this and how do you cope with the fear that you simply didn't let them know enough how much they meant to you? All I want is my mum right now. I just went to lie down for an hour, I opened my eyes and it hit me in a way that I thought I could simply not go on. It is final. She will never come here again packed with presents for me and my daughters on Xmas. Any question I may still have will remain unanswered. How do you cope with that?

I lost my father 20 years ago, and yes, I have 2 daughters and a husband but feel like my past has been erased with my parents both gone. I am not an envious person but for the first time in my life I feel such jealousy of everyone who still has their mother there with them.

I cannot see how this pain will ever go away.

Mum, I love you more than I can say.

[cindyjane]

So sorry about your loss.  HUGS

What you say is NOT childish at all.  I think that we would all have liked more time with our parent who left us.  That being said I believe that our parent(s) knew just how much we loved them.  In my family we didn't all tell each other often how much we loved each other but we all knew it without a doubt.  It's like you know that your own daughters love you very much.  Losing your mom is so very recent and as you go through the grieving process, there will be more and more memories that will come to you that will bring on many tears and feelings of sadness in missing her so be ready for that.  It hits in waves BUT something that really helped me ... and still helps me is when those memories come to me and the sadness hits I quickly thank the Lord for blessing me in having them for parents.  I lost my mom and dad 11 months apart and felt like an orphan and I am 58 yrs. old.  That sounds crazy but when you lose both parents you kind of lose a part your identity because our parents are just that ... they are who we are if that makes any sense.  

If you are a spiritual person who believes in Jesus, I would suggest that you lean on your faith because for me personally that is what got me through those difficult times in missing my parents.  Ask HIM for comfort and thank HIM every day for blessing you with them.

I hope this helps.  Take care

Cindy Jane

[Hurt]

Dear Cindy Jane

Thank you so much for your very kind words. Your thoughts make a lot of sense and take a tiny bit of that worry away that my mom may not have known how much I loved and adored her. Yes, i was brought up in a religious home but lost track of it over the years. Maybe it helps to put all this pain into the hands of Jesus and trust he guides me through this incredibly painful time. 

Thank you again

H. 

[Everly]

Dear Hurt.. I'm so sorry about your sweet Mom   My heart aches for every new person who comes to this board, cause I know so deep in my heart and soul what you are feeling right now... I was just there 20 months ago.  There is never enough time to tell our Mom's everything we wanted to, it's simply impossible.  We all want more time... one more day, one more call, etc I'm sure your mother knew how much you loved her.   

Was your Mom sick?  I am 53 yo and I still cry like a baby... my Mom was 80.  We lost her suddenly, and unexpected.  It has been a very hard 20 months of grieving and having to clean out her condo... very very painful time for me and my family.

At the top of the Loss of Parent forum... there is a 'pinned' daily post where alot of us chat daily.. please feel free to post in there.  Everyone here understands you pain and this a great site for support.

Again, I'm so deeply sorry for the loss of your Mom

Eve

[MayFGL]

Welcome Hurt! I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that losing a parent is the hardest thing anyone can go through. It is very normal to feel the way you do. I lost my mom on 3/13/15 to a massive stroke. That was the day when my whole world collapsed. I felt guilty, alone, angry, depressed and I just wanted to join my mom. To this day, I still feel guilty and cry. I was mom's main caretaker. I would think about the WHAT IFS. Yes, I wish I could have just one more day with mom--one more hug, one more kiss, one more conversation and one more of everything. So, Hurt, it's not childish wanting your mom back.

Grieve as long as you want and how you want. Don't let anyone tell you to 'get over it' because those people don't know because they haven't experienced a loss of a parent or they're just heartless or weren't as close to their loved one as we were. 

I'm glad that you found this site. We have a bunch of wonderful people here who understands each other. We support you. We're here for you.

Love and Hugs

May

[Tochter]

I know exactly how you feel. I felt very weak in dealing with my mom's impending death. I could not bear watching her suffer, convinced her to go to the hospital to get fluid drained from her lungs to breathe better. When she was in the hospital I could not bear to be there very long either, the whole scenario seemed so unreal, especially since her diagnosis had come so quickly. The hospital seemed like a prison to me and I am sure that is what is was to my mother too. I hope she understood my trepidation and that it really did not have to do with her. She was very stressed during her final days in life and her and my dad fought, another very terrible thing to watch. Also, my dad was abusive even though he knew she was dying... I also made my goodbye before leaving for my country very fast: because we both started to cry because we both knew it was the last time we would see each other. I couldn't bear to stretch that out, otherwise I would have totally lost it. I never thought this would be so hard to deal with.

What could I do? I myself have PTSD which limits my capabilities to deal with certain situations tremendously. I too wanted to chat with her again. It seemed so comforting to know she was still alive. I would have given anything to hear her voice again. When I saw her last we had one good day together where we talked all night about this and that. I wish the entire week of my visit could have been like that but then my parents started to fight too and that stressed me to the max....

I had grown much closer to my mom in the last couple of years and she was always there for me and we finally had a real mother daughter relationship. I imagined my visit with her so much more fun and then she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. 

She herself had of course wished for a much better reunion herself. I don't know: the death of a loved one seems to introduce so many questions, seems to introduce so many strange behavior by both the patient and the family. 

Then I catch myself thinking: what would or could I have done to make this better? I will never know and I often think: is her spirit out there? Can she let me know one time how she perceived everything? Because I never had the chance to ever talk to her without my father being present. He is an obsessive and aggressive mental abuser.

 

The only thing I do know is that I respect and love my mom forever.

[Lottie_Lulu]

I read this post and thought how many times I had read the same thing from other people, and how sad it was you felt you were the only one and were childish for even feeling that way. It's all OK. That's why they say there's not right or wrong way to grieve. It gets better, I promise you it really does, but there will be lots of ups and downs on the way. I am finding grief is a bit like turbulence, it can't actually kill you but sometimes you just feel it's never going to stop.

x