Guilt and regret after loss of father

[SeekingHelp]

This is my first experience with forums, so I hope I'm doing this correctly. My father passed away almost 10 months ago, and I've had an extremely hard time dealing with the feelings of guilt and regret. This is not my first experience with the loss of a parent. My mother passed away suddenly in 2001, and it was terrible as you can imagine. I was 23 and my sister was 19. It took a long time time to figure out how how to cope, and there was some regret, but nothing like I feel now with my dad gone.

My dad and mom divorced when I was around 4, so I grew up without seeing him everyday. However, we visited every other weekend, and he always made sure he called on birthdays and holidays. I never had any doubts that he loved me. By the time I was in my mid teens, he was divorced for the second time and enjoyed a somewhat wild lifestyle. Though I think he had a tougher time than he would admit with that marriage ending, and it was during that time that I started to see him drink more, and it was the first time I truly ever recall him being drunk. We still saw him and talked to him pretty regularly.

As I approached 20, he had remarried and had a new baby on the way. I honestly wasn't sure what to think about it, but it was his life and as long as he was happy, that's all that mattered. As it turned out, that would become one of the most volatile and unhealthy relationships that I have ever witnessed. His drinking and behavior became increasingly worse at times. We still spoke and I would visit, just not as often as before because of college and work. There were several attempts to get him to seek treatment, but he refused. This made me angry, but mostly sad.

When my mom passed when I was 23, he did a good job of trying to help me and my sister through that. However, his drinking continued. About a year after my mom passed, there was an incident between him, myself and my sister. He did not agree with who I was dating and showed up at my apartment one night intoxicated, violent and he said hurtful things to us that should never be said to your children. For the better part of 4 years he basically quit speaking to us, didn't attend my sisters wedding and moved out of state. I missed him and still loved him, but it was his choice.

In 2006, he called me out of the blue and we reconnected. We spoke every night for several weeks, and he finally asked if he could come stay with me for a while. He was still living out of state but had lost his license and a good paying job. He needed help so I agreed. That worked for a while but he was still drinking and my tolerance was low. That eventually ended with another argument and me asking him to leave. 

After that he caught some bad breaks - jail over child support, difficulty in finding a job without license, all of his things were stolen out of storage, and the worst part was a stroke around 2009. After that he just wasn't quite himself. He would still drink excessively which led me to saying things that were hurtful and refusing to go around him. He went through boughts of depression, and would cry quite a bit about the past. I'm not good at dealing with those types of things so I would just try to get him to move past it. He would dwell on his third marriage and how he was wronged, which he was in many ways, but there was nothing he could do at that point to change it so I would get so frustrated at his repetitive gripes. 

I was the one who took care of the paperwork, and made phone calls and made sure he paid his bills. i would usually stop by his house every 2 to 3 weeks to see if he needed anything else, but found myself fussing at him about the cleanliness of his house. I stayed on him about that. He was always so meticulous in his appearance and his surroundings, but in recent years he had let that go. It bothered me to see him that way. Maybe there were times I was embarrassed, but mainly I just didn't want people looking down on him. I found that overall my patience with him was very low too. The best way to describe it is that I probably talked to him like a child sometimes. I wasn't hateful or mean, but stern, possibly condescending.

i never really stayed long when I did visit, it was always a quick in and out. Though I always told him he had an open invitation to my house,  and tried to get him over at least once a week.

By last year, he was improving. He was drinking less, but still suffered from  depression sometimes. I think he had a hard time adjusting to his new life with limited income. He was doing a better job overall. Though my patience with him in general was low.

In June 2015, he was admitted to the hospital and coded twice. Miraculously, after a week, it was almost as if nothing had ever happened. He was feeling better, walking everyday and seemed happy. The doctors assured me that any problems with his heart could be managed with medicine. Over the next couple of months, he was coming by my house more and we spoke once a week.

However, on August 13, he was gone. I had not physically seen him in 2-3 weeks prior to take because I had been in and out of town. I literally felt like my world was crashing around me. I felt sick. I still feel sick.

I know this is long, so I apologize, but I tell you all of this to give you the background of how and why I feel like I do today. I can't get past the feeling that I should have been nicer, visited more, had more patience. I feel like I was a terrible daughter emotionally, and I tried to substitute that with financial support. I think back to all of the times he would be talking to me and I would be nodding my head and looking down at my phone. I worry that he thought I was embarrassed of him. Even though I always said I love you when ending a call, I worry most of all that he never truly knew just how much I loved him and how much I would have done for him. 

I just don't know how to move forward.

 

 

[Marivdb]

I speak from experience that when the relationship is complicated the grieving is complicated too.  I loved my mom, I definitely did, but our relationship was complicated to say the least, and now my relationship with my father is fractured since her death, because of things he has done since she has passed....and even while she was passing. 

Like you, I'm struggling to move forward because I still haven't quite gotten through the complicated emotions surrounding my mom and I and actually how I feel about how my dad handled the end of her life. For me it's about forgiving him and letting go of my anger....for you it sounds more like letting yourself off the hook for not being a better parent to your father.

Give yourself time and some grace. None of us are perfect. You did your best for him without enabling him. We are here for you. Feel free to join us on the daily thread at the top. Many of us hang out there.  I wish I had a better answer for you, but I know you will get through this. I know WE will get through this. I think it will just take time......

Marianne

[SeekingHelp]

Thanks Marianne

[MamaTuty]

SeekingHelp - The guilt you are experiencing seems to be a normal part of the grieving process, as I am learning from reading that others are going through the same.  I also look back at the times I'd rush in and out of my parent's house and would get antsy when my dad would keep me longer because he was playing with the kids.  How I wish he was here to keep me back another 5 minutes.  I look back at the times I'd visit their house and not even go to the backyard to say goodbye when I left.  I look back at the times I'd have to shush him at church because he'd be talking to the kids during prayer.  I wonder if he knew I loved him or if he thought he was a burden to us?  (he had a botched surgery for an aneurysm repair that was aborted and went terribly wrong - that surgery left him frail and never quite the same).  The last couple of years, he was hospitalized a couple of times.  My mom and sisters were always there - taking turns so that someone was always with him (except at night).  I wonder if he thought it was too much on us and felt bad for us.  He wasn't a burden for us.  Did it exhaust us?  Yes, but we did it with love.  I hope he knew that just as I'm sure you hope your dad knew you loved him.  You took care of him, just like I took care of my dad.  They say actions speak louder than words - we were there for our parents.  Maybe it was rushed and not as lovingly as we wished it would have been, but we were there in their time of need.  

[SeekingHelp]

Thanks MamaTuty,

I do hope they knew how much they meant to us. I would have done anything for him, I just hope I didn't make him feel as it was a burden. It's hard to think back on all of the opportunities I had to call or go by and just didn't.

[Kk2018]

SeekingHelp,

Your story is so much like my own. I just lost my mother, and our story is complicated.

She was the kindest, warmest, funniest, most beautiful woman there was. She never knew a stranger. On top of that, she was the best damn mom there ever was. I was beyond lucky.

Everything changed the spring of my senior year in High School. My mom had been acting oddly for about a year.... sleeping excessively, staying out later, lashing out over nothing. Then one day I came home and had her best friend tell me that my mom has a drinking problem. It was all over from there.

To keep it short, the next 7 years were a mix of her in rehab but drinking the day she got out, me being 19 and having to go out looking for my mother, staying up all night worrying I would get that call she was gone. My Dad did everything he could to help her, but she was so gone. And she had been so hurtful so many times. They divorced, and she still continued to spiral. She was also a diabetic, and there were about 8 times she went to the ER and no one expected her to live. She would go live with roommates, and when I would visit it was obvious all they did was sit around and drink. I was so so angry and sad at what had become of her and my family. She had cut everyone out of her life.

In 2011, she had another episode where she should not have lived. She ended up in a wheelchair unable to walk. The silver lining was that she stopped drinking that day. She was mentally back to her old self. But she had caused so much damage. I never had a mom to talk to in college or come visit me. Never to go shopping or get pedicures. Nothing. And now here she was wanting everything to be fine. I would text her once a week, help her get her groceries, come by for dinner sometimes. I often made plans with her that she would regularly just cancel. She was her old self but didnt go out into the world again like she could have. She also stopped taking caring for herself and her health.

Her little frail body finally gave out on her a few days ago, and she passed in her sleep. I am so riddled with guilt i dont know what to do. There were so many times i could have stopped in or called. I could have stayed longer- I, too, would rush in and out during visits. I wasnt always patient. She would tell me I never reached out and although thats untrue, I could have done more. She could have, too. But I didnt get to say goodbye and I feel like she passed thinking I didnt love her or care, and its eating me alive. I hate that she didnt feel worth enough to care better for herself, and I feel like thats bc I wasnt there more. 

Have your feelings of guilt gotten any better?