Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Loss of beloved and no idea how to go on


Gdaddi

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I had known this man for almost a year exactly. We met last June on a study abroad trip and instantly clicked--we had both felt like freaks our entire lives but found so much happiness and commonalities with one another; it was the best month of our lives. But I had a boyfriend back home, things got messy, and we parted on bad terms. We were never going to speak to each other again, but about two months after the program, he contacted me via Facebook to ask if I was open to communication. We messaged all the time; each of us was consumed whenever we would hear from the other, taking painstaking measures to ensure that we expressed ourselves as well as possible. But we were guarded--I still had my relationship, and he didn't want to get hurt again. It took us from September until January to confess our feelings for each other, and since then (I had broken up with my boyfriend), we enjoyed some of the best times of our lives together. We both struggled with depression, but he also struggled with anxiety and drug addiction. He nearly overdosed several times, but only recently did these episodes become connected to setbacks in our relationship. This week, I was upset with him about something he had done to a girl he dated in the past--calling her from the hospital, like he did with me, which made me feel used and objectified into a "caretaker" rather than "lover" role. I ignored some texts from him on Tuesday night because I was out with friends, and my phone died. When I recharged it late that night and saw his texts, I decided not to respond and wait until he reached out to me. I was so exhausted with the whole thing that I was contemplating telling him I needed a break, and going back to my ex--a good, stable guy. But Wednesday passed and I didn't hear from him. I thought nothing of it--he just got out of the hospital a week ago and was doing well. I finally messaged him around 7:00 pm on Wednesday--no answer. On Thursday, I got a message from his friend that he had passed. I spoke to his mother and learned that he woke her up on Tuesday, high on cocaine, and told her he was anxious about my not responding to him. She calmed him down, and hours later, still coming down, he told her he was going to his room to take a nap. He had said he wasn't suicidal, so she trusted him to be alone. She checked on him 30 minutes later and he was warm but no longer breathing. The medics did all they could, but he was gone. I'm 23 and he was 20, but our connection was so insanely pure and unbeatable--no one could make me laugh like him, we cried just talking about sad love stories, our physical intimacy blew my mind despite his inexperience--that I see absolutely no reason to hope I'll ever feel that way again. And so I don't see any reason to live. Absolutely none. I can't take my life--I have too many people and a dog to think about--but I'm hollow. I might as well be dead.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
claribassist13

Isn't that the horrible conundrum we find ourselves in? Despite the fact we are still breathing, we might as well not. We now know that there are many types of death in this world, and living as a shell of the people we once were has to be one of the worst. 

As much as the phrase is never helpful, I am so sorry for your loss. 

I encourage you to take the time you need to grieve. Trust me, this first week is nothing compared to what you will feel in a couple months when the shock of it all is gone. Tomorrow will be 5 months since my fiance died, and I cry more now than I ever did the first couple of weeks after his death. 
So, take your time. Do what you have to in order to grieve, and talk to people. You won't want to, but talking is much better than being stuck inside your head. 

Keep talking with us. We are all here, experiencing the same thing you are. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
5 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

Isn't that the horrible conundrum we find ourselves in? Despite the fact we are still breathing, we might as well not. We now know that there are many types of death in this world, and living as a shell of the people we once were has to be one of the worst. 

As much as the phrase is never helpful, I am so sorry for your loss. 

I encourage you to take the time you need to grieve. Trust me, this first week is nothing compared to what you will feel in a couple months when the shock of it all is gone. Tomorrow will be 5 months since my fiance died, and I cry more now than I ever did the first couple of weeks after his death. 
So, take your time. Do what you have to in order to grieve, and talk to people. You won't want to, but talking is much better than being stuck inside your head. 

Keep talking with us. We are all here, experiencing the same thing you are. 

Talking helps--for a very brief second. Then it all feels hollow and pointless. Because I realize that every single thing I ever did since I knew him was just passing the time until I could be talking to him, and now that's impossible. I don't think he's looking down on me, or "still here" every time I think of him. He's just gone. I'm here. With no reason to be. I was given such brightness, so young. I wish I never knew what was love with rather than love and lose. When will I ever want to care about anything again?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
claribassist13

Yes. Everything is absolutely hollow and pointless right now. You have just had your very life, the person you held most dear, the one person who was and could be everything, ripped from your life. 

Before you met him, you were someone. That someone changed when you met him and as your relationship progressed. And now that he is gone you are a very different person, and it wasn't a change that occurred naturally or that you were prepared for. It will take a long time to figure out who this new person is and what you believe now that your life and your perspective have been forever changed. 

As painful as it is, I don't think we should wish away the beautiful moments. Without pain there is no beauty, and I think it would be truly awful to be left with absolutely nothing at all. Your memories and the love you shared with him will all go a long way in helping to honor his memory. But that is my opinion. You have to go with what with heal you in the long run. 

As for caring about anything again, it will take time. I'm 5 months in, and I still don't care about much at all. In time you'll care again because he would want you to care. And then you'll care because you want to care.  But it's no rush to get there. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.