Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Elo

I wouldn't want my husband to find love again if I died.

Recommended Posts

Elo   

Hello, I am not a widow and hopefully I will not ever be so, but I did know grief when I lost my father. Though this post is about grief inside a marriage or romantic relationship. I'm married and very in love with my husband. I am lucky to be able to say that the feeling is mutual. Though, as all human beings sometimes, I find myself thinking about death on a regular basis. I am actually very aware that I can lose what I have at any moment in life, death can be imprevisible and time goes fast.
Unfortunately, I keep coming across stories of people who lost a spouse or a life partner. But often, after some time, those people have found love again.
And I realized that my reaction to that had always been an unpleasant tingle inside. It just breaks my heart for the deceased one. And putting myself in the situation, I realized that I wouldn't want my husband to find love again if I died. Not only finding love but also sharing a sexual relationship with somebody. (I also am 100% sure that if he died, I would not ever want to be with anybody else, no matter how young I am).
I'm 31 and he's 24.
So I feel awful about feeling that way, I know that it's extremely selfish of me, but the idea of him falling in love with someone else breaks my heart. If we would break up, the situation would be different, because it would be a choice of one of us or both to go separate ways. But if death came in between us, that we would both have wanted to stay together and that we loved each other madly, then I'm terrified by the idea of him kinda replacing me with another woman or other women. And yes, no matter what you will say, to me it's "replacing". Because even if he never forgets me, it would be the lips of another woman he would kiss, the body of another woman he would make love to, and another woman that his heart would love. I am profoundly monogamous and if our relationship is monogamous while we are both alive, why should it change after one of our death? My heart, mind and body are all intimately connected to one another, so I don't understand how you would want to "move one" romantically if you still love someone who died.
I think that part of what impacts my desire is that I myself can not fathom my love for him ever disappear or dissipate if he died. And if my love for him remains, then I could never get with anybody else, because him dead or alive, I would remain his wife, one man's woman. If I am faithful now, why shouldn't I remain so then? My heart could not open to love someone else the same way that it can't now. It would not even be a choice, and I wouldn't want it any differently. He's the love of my life and that goes beyond death to me.
I can't help picturing finding love after the passing of a spouse that we loved, as cheating.
I feel like very few people feel the way I do and understand me, I really need an honest response and opinion about my feelings. Though I ask for kindness and understanding. I really ache about feeling that way and the possibility that I could be replaced, and because I feel terrible about myself for being so selfish. Is "Moving on" really the only acceptable, the right thing to do? Is it, at all, acceptable or understandable not to want your loved one to "move on" if you were to die?
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand how horrible it would be to imagine him with another woman if you die, and honestly, I feel a little bit like that, but I am watching my mom who was married for 54 years suffer from being alone. She is lonely. She needs someone. My father is not there. He died. His life ended but hers did not. I wish she could meet someone, so she could enjoy her final years with a companion. He would never replace my father, but instead, he would be a different relationship. I know who she loves and will always. 

It's not cheating. You took a vow "til death do you part." When death ends the relationship, the remaining spouse is free to remarry and move forward. The contract ends. Of course the love will never end. Many people talk about feeling like they cheated, but they don't want to be alone forever. Isn't that kind of cruel to want that for someone? Really? 

People aren't replaced. They are never replaced. Someone else just comes along and a new relationship begins. If you truly love your husband, would you want him to suffer alone? Is that fair? Is that love? Or is it selfishness? I do not have the answer--just more questions. I look at my mom, and it seems natural that she would find someone else. When it comes to my own relationship--yeah, it's a little hurtful to think about, but I'm thinking in present terms, not future. 

Thoughtful post...

ModKonnie

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I believe we are truly in the minority.  I feel exactly the way you do about your husband finding love again after you die (and sharing intimacy with another woman).   I have been married for 27 years.  In 2012 I saw a human interest story about a woman who was dying of cancer, and had actually purchased a "free trip" for her husband, children and "new wife" whoever that might be  (to Disney World I think) and a "free day of pampering at a beauty salon" for the new wife.   Something to the effect that she loved him so much, wanted him to be happy again,  and wanted another woman to be "blessed" as much as she had been as his wife.  Of course by the time this story reached the media, the husband was already remarried and wanted to share the story with the world (haha).  I remember feeling sick about it  (unlike everyone on television).  I mentioned the story to my husband later that same day.  When I said, "I could never do something like she did" and he said, "Never say never", my world slowly crumbled.  I realized he didn't feel the same way I did about our marriage.  We have had much trouble from that day forward in our marriage because I can't get past it. Of course he tells me now that he feels the same way,  and that he just blurted that out without really thinking about it, but  I have never felt the same towards him since.  Something died in me that day.  

I have told my sister and my aunt how I feel (my mom died years ago,  and my dad found someone else not once but twice - that's another story), and they both have told me I shouldn't feel that way.  My aunt said she would be dead and wouldn't care, and my sister said I should love him in a way that I want his happiness no matter what.  I guess I'm horribly selfish, but I know that I would never fathom giving my body, heart and soul to another man - I would be extremely lonely for sure and wouldn't feel like living on myself.  But my relationship to my husband is so precious to me that  I would simply never be willing to share myself in that way with another human being.  God knows that.  

Don't beat yourself up.  There are people out there that feel the same way you and I do (I've even seen a couple of men online who are widowed, and say they have no interest in ever being with anyone else in that way either ).  But we are few and far in between.  

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×