Lost my boyfriend, how am I supposed to continue without him?

[green7]

 

Lost my boyfriend five weeks ago in a car accident. It feels like it was just yesterday. I can't accept it, I can't believe it. Life is not fair and I can't find peace. I keep thinking about the accident and I can't help but think, why him? Why bad things happen to good people? He was such a wonderful man. Always happy, smiling, he loved to dance and now he is gone. I miss him every single second. Miss his smile, his presence, the way he smell. Miss waking up next to him. My heart is full of anger and I can't stop questioning God why he had to take him so soon and in such a horrible way. The pain is undescribable. Some times when I go to sleep I wish I never wake up. I just want to be with him. I've been told time heals everything. But I don't get any better. I can't just imagine my life without him. He was the love of my life, we loved each other so much. We had so many plans. I wanted a home, a family and I don't want that with anybody else. But what really makes me sad is the fact that he didn't get the chance to achieve all the goals he had. go to college, have a family, he deserved better, he deserved many more years of happiness. And now he is gone and I die a little every day since he left this world. 

 

[claribassist13]

green7, 

I lost my boyfriend a little less than 5 months ago. At the time, he was my boyfriend. It was after he died that the ring he had ordered for me arrived. 
I also lost my boyfriend in a car accident involving a train. So in other words, I can definitely relate to how you are feeling right now. 

I wish for the same things. I wish to never wake up. I wish that someone will crash into my car, killing me. I wish that I would drop dead, stop breathing in an instant because the pain of missing him is completely unbearable.

I want to remind you that 5 weeks is not enough time for any sort of healing to be taking place. Hell, I'm almost 5 months into this thing and I still haven't started to heal. And maybe that sounds depressing, but it's the truth. Right now you are still in shock over what happened. It will probably take until the 3-4 month mark for the finality and permanency of the situation to really sink in.  Right now you are hurting horribly, and I am sure that other days you just feel numb. Maybe not, and that's alright. It is perfectly acceptable to be angry at whoever you want, including God. There are many things in life that we can't explain/don't have answers for, and you and I are experiencing one of those awful moments. There are no answers and nothing makes sense. 

I understand how you feel about the future. He and I also had plans to complete college, get married, have children, and just live life together. I cannot see myself ever loving someone in the same way ever again. And he also deserved more than he got. 

You and I deserve more than we got. 
Instead of the life we so carefully planned, we are left with gaping holes in our chests. 

Please know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. There are many of us on here with similar stories, and we are here to provide what support we can. 
Please do not hesitate to reach out to me if you ever want to talk/rant. 

[green7]

Claribassist13, 

I'm so sorry about your boyfriend. Omg that's so sad, I can only imagine how you felt when you got the ring. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. This is a place where we are supposed to support each other or say something like " it'll be ok" but we both know it won't be ok. I know I sound depressing, but I feel like this is the only place I can tell how I really feel without being judge or told that I need to get over it and try to continue with my life. How? Move on? To where? I feel like a zombie. I get up, go to work, come back home. I pretend I'm doing well, because nobody understands how I feel, my unbearable pain. I know it's going to take time and I try to take a day at a time. But it's so hard. There are memories of him everywhere. We even worked together, so getting better is really complicated. Sometimes I think that I should ask God for help, for peace, but I'm so mad right now. I know I'm wrong but I don't believe he can help. I pray and ask for forgiveness. I pray and ask for my boyfriend to be in a better place like everybody says. And sometimes I pray to never wake up. Knowing that I'm not the only one feeling this way makes me feel a little better. At least I know I'm not going crazy. Well maybe I am. Some days I'm ok but most of the days I feel desperate, sad, anxious. I cannot imagine this world without him. I know I sound really depressing but I can't help it. And like you said I doubt I'll ever love someone again, at least not the way I love him. 

[claribassist13]

green7, 

The ring was a bittersweet surprise, but I choose to wear it in his memory. We were already married in our minds, so the ring was just a formality. 

Isn't that the wonderful thing though? We don't have to put with with platitudes and advice that is meaningless and often hurts more than it helps. We can all appreciate the fact that people are trying their best to say anything to show that they care, but really all we want in the end is for someone to acknowledge that our lives absolutely suck right now. 

And don't feel weird about saying that this is the only place you don't feel judged. Here you are among people who know what you are going through. Those who have not experienced loss cannot ever relate and those who have not lost their significant others cannot entirely relate. Grief, in and of itself, is all the same, but the loss makes the grief different. My fiance's mother and I are both grieving the same person, but she lost a child whereas I lost (essentially) and spouse. Our losses are so completely different despite the fact that we mourn the same person. It helps to talk to people who are in a similar position because we understand all the feelings that you are experiencing. 

Let me ask this: what are you doing to take care of yourself? 
Have you taken any time off of work to just be? Have you spent days in bed doing absolutely nothing? Have you reached out (if you are ready to) to a person who could possibly help, such as a grief counselor? The fact of the matter is that what you are feeling is not going to go away anytime soon. It is important that you do what you must to help yourself. Yes, there are memories everywhere and those memories will eventually have to be reckoned with. My fiance and I attended the same university together and I had to withdraw from my classes because the memories of him were everywhere and I wasn't in a position to handle them. It was a tough decision, but taking this time off will help me when I go back to school in the fall. 
Maybe you'll have to change jobs. Maybe you just need 3 weeks to do nothing but stay in your place and cry. 

As for God, he can handle anything you throw at him. If you want to be angry, be angry. I was, and am still, angry with him. He understands the pain you are going through, and when you are done with being angry he will still be there. 

There are days where you are going to feel numb. You will be able to zombie your way through the day and not feel anything. And you will have other days were all you do is cry and you cannot stop the tears no matter what you do. I will recommend trying to see a grief counselor. It helps to talk to someone who won't judge and is invested in helping you. 

And quit saying that you sound depressing. You have every right to be and there is no shame in that.  

[StillLoveMelanie]

I lost my fiance nine weeks ago tomorrow.  Its doesnt seem to get any better for me either.  There are many times I go to bed early just hoping to end the day and hoping I dont wake up in the morning.  I sleep better, but not the way I used to sleep.  I go for walks, like me and my fiance used to.  I miss holding her hand while we walked.  I miss snuggling up top her at night.  I cant seem to go to the grocery store without wanting her to be there.  Hell, I want her to be anywhere, but I know she is gone.  I have been seeing a grief counselor and told her that Im not suicidal, but I wish I could be.  I just want this all to end, Im tired of feeling this way.  Like you, we had plans for this year and many more to years to come.  I get mad when I see old couples walking around with each other.  I think, "that should have been us, why do they get to be happy and not us?"  I know its selfish, so I get upset with myself when I think like that, but I cant help it.  Like you, Im mad, angry, lost and feel like I cant go on anymore. I lost such a huge part of my life.  When she died I feel like she took me with her.  I cry, but not as often.  Usually in the morning.  I always kissed her good bye when I left for work.  She would still be in bed getting another hour of sleep before she had to wake, but I always kissed her and she would kiss me back.  Now all I have is a small urn to kiss before I leave.  :Good morning babe" was the text I got every day when she woke up.  She would call me every day when she left work.  Now, nothing.  I am only a few weeks ahead of you in our loss.  I can look back and see tiny changes in the way I feel.  I know it will be a very long time for me to get this feeling to go away, but I can see tiny improvements.  You are still in the very hardest part of this. 

You will need people to talk to.  Reach out to family and friends.  Give them a call.  Go see them.  You wont feel like being around people much, especially not now, but try to.  Dont be worried about asking friends and family for support.  If you dont want to go see them ,ask them to visit.  Tell them you might ask them to leave, but it does help to talk to people.  They want to help, but I think if you havent been through this, there is no way of knowing what its like, but any support you can get will help you.  I think one of the hardest parts of this is while you are grieving, the rest of the world goes on and you really cant see how when yours seems to have ended.  Find a counselor to talk to.  Mine seems to help, but I warn you, there is always a crash.  I force myself to be happy thinking of the good times we had, then there comes the crash when you realize that there should have been so many more good times and all the raw emotions will come back.  I went to a group counseling session and I would recommend that.  It was more of an informal drop in group with a counselor, not a structured meeting.  You will meet people who are in a similar situation and even in the small group I was at, some in worse situations.  There was a young wife there whos husband died a few weeks before my fiance and she is nineteen weeks pregnant.  There was a young father who lost his wife and now he had to raise his two year old on his own.  It doesnt diminish your or my loss, but it makes you feel less alone, if that makes any sense.  Read some books on grief.  My counselor recommended the book, "The year of magical thinking"  Its about a wife who lost her husband after forty years of marriage.  Again, you or at least I did, will get mad that they had forty years together and think, why didnt I have that, but after reading it, I got a different perspective on my loss.  It still hurts and I still feel the pain, but I think a different perspective isnt a bad thing.

Like I say, reach out to family and friends or me if you want to talk to someone who is going through the same thing

 

[green7]

I feel the same way I'm not suicidal but sometimes I wish I could just die and be with him. I'm seeing a counselor and it helps a little. I stopped taking to many of my friends and family because I'm tired of pretending I'm fine. Not everyone understands what we're going through. I hate it when they say " he is in a better place" maybe, but the best place for him was here, with me.I know they care about me and want me to be fine but I'm not! I try to do things that make me feel ok, but must of the time I want to be in my room. Some days I stay in bed all day because I don't feel like doing anything.  I took some time off from work and school. I just went back to work a couple weeks ago but it's really hard. Just tonight I had an anxiety attack. When I think I'm doing better, I get worse. 

[StillLoveMelanie]

I would say stop pretending or acting like youre fine.  You're not.  I'm not,  Reach out to someone close to you and be honest about how you feel.  I have a good friend that has seen me cry more than I thought anyone would.  Im 6'4'', 250.  I know that Im supposed to put on this, "Im okay" attitude and get through this, but you and I both know that doesnt work.  I go through the motions of the day.  I tell people closest to me that I live in a very basic definition of life. I make it through each day and somehow keep my body going until tomorrow.  I wake up and do the same the next day.   I used to be out going and social.  As was Melanie,  We would do so much together as Im sure you and your boyfriend did.  Its like a huge hole has been blown through the fabric of me and my existence.  She was such a part of me that I can say, that I seem to have an identity crisis as well.  Im not sure if you realize that yet, but you will.  Im just starting to realize that and to be honest its a bit scary.  Who I was and who I wanted to be was to make her happy and take care of her.  Now all that has changed.  The grief comes and goes with me as well.  I know you are in the first few weeks of your grief and its still very raw.  At times, it seems my grief has slowed some, then almost in an instant, it all comes back.  I know how you feel. 

. 

[EternalFlames]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I just lost my wife too at a young age, but probably not as young as your boyfriend. It is so incredibly sad when a bright future is just ripped away from both of you and the person you love doesn't get to do any of the big things he or she always wanted to do.

5 weeks is barely any time at all. It probably feels like yesterday because it almost WAS yesterday. My counselor tells me that's ok, that grief is a very long process, that it takes time to heal. Please don't feel bad that you still feel all torn apart and lost now. I think anyone would. I certainly do.

I also hear you on the being around friends being exhausting. They just don't GET it. Most young people haven't been through a big loss yet, probably not even a parent, and just have no idea what it's like. Some may be empathetic for the first few days, but then they get over it and expect you to get on or say these patronizing things that they think are helpful but are very hurtful. It's exhausting having to wear a mask and try to fake your way through the social norms. I'm glad you can talk to your counselor at least.

[green7]

I think that's one of my problems that nobody understands what I'm going through. The pain I feel. I know my family and friends care about me and want me to be fine. They don't understand I'm grieving, and I feel like they're rushing me to heal, to accept my loss. I know there's nothing I can do, nothing is going to bring him back. But I can't accept it. My counselor recommended seeing a psychiatrist because my anxiety attacks are getting worse, I can't sleep, and I'm depressed. I thought I could go through this by my self but I can't. 

[StillLoveMelanie]

I read somewhere, I dont remember where, that losing a loved one is very different from any other loss.  Even different from the loss of a parent or a child (which I imagine is a worse loss, but at least you have another parent to be there with you).  My counselor told me early on that she considers me a widower as Melanie and I had life plans together.  I think the same goes for you.  You had life plans and now all those plans cant come true anymore.

Do not try to rush your healing.  I think I tried to after a couple of weeks, but it just didnt help.  I know that it will take a long time to heal.  I think friends want to help, but dont know how.  Maybe talk to his parents.  Im sure they are grieving as well.  All of this is very exhausting.  Reach out to friends and tell them what you need.  Someone to talk, someone just to get you out of the house.  It does help.  Dont get me wrong.  I want to get back to my home as quickly as possible when I go out anywhere, but for the short time I am out, it does seem to help, even if its for the slightest bit.

[green7]

Today I read this  " the hardest part of losing a loved one is not saying goodbye, is learning how to live without them" and I think it's true. I miss my Ricky every second. When I get up in the mornings I pray for strength to get through the day. And before I go to sleep I ask him to stay with me, to hold me if I cry, to let me know somehow that he is still with me. I know It sounds crazy, but now the only way I can see him is in my dreams. How many times when I texted him to say goodnight I said " I'll be dreaming about you" and now it's all I have. 

[claribassist13]

1 hour ago, green7 said:

Today I read this  " the hardest part of losing a loved one is not saying goodbye, is learning how to live without them" and I think it's true. I miss my Ricky every second. When I get up in the mornings I pray for strength to get through the day. And before I go to sleep I ask him to stay with me, to hold me if I cry, to let me know somehow that he is still with me. I know It sounds crazy, but now the only way I can see him is in my dreams. How many times when I texted him to say goodnight I said " I'll be dreaming about you" and now it's all I have. 

It's not crazy. I talk to my fiancé all the time, and sometimes I can swear I feel him lying right next to me. 

It's interesting that you talk about saying goodbye. My fiancé and I never ever told each other goodbye. It was always "see you later" or "I love you". If we were texting we'd just end/start the conversation. 

Soon after he died I found this saying, and it felt very true. His death was like all the goodbyes we never said all rolled into one sucker punch. 

[Ricky's mom , Wendy]

Hang in there hun! Ricky loved you very much and he will always be with you.  Like I've told you before, don't let others tell you how to feel.  We both lost him and our grief is different, you a boyfriend and me a son! I know he is our Angel watching over us.  I'm surprised I found your posts but glad I did.  Don't ever feel like you have to hide your feelings from me or anyone else.  I need you with me to get through this! It's never gonna be easy, but, everyone keeps saying it does with time.  Personally, I hope it doesn't.  I never want to forget him . You know how to reach me! Maybe we can find a grief counselor that will work with the both of us on our own grief.  Maybe they can give us some advice on how to cope with this! Much love!