I can't take much more of this

[novangel]

I have not posted here in a really long time.

It's been well over two years and I still can't shake the loss of my mother. It unfortunately has only gotten worse, not better.  I developed PTSD back in September and have to be on medication in order to function. I am not even in control of my life anymore without medication and that scares me so badly. I hate this so much I want to scream. I don't want to feel scared anymore. I'm so scared without her...

When will this end? I really need to talk to someone who is going through the same hell. I feel alone. Nobody in my life truly understands.

 

[angel44]

I know how you feel. I take meds also for the severe depression that losing my mom has given to me. Email me any time you need to vent. I too feel like I can hardly get thru the day at times.  Peace,Angel.

[socal2010]

I'm feeling this way too. Today was two weeks since it happened. It's starting to sink in that she's really not coming back. Maybe I thought in my warped mind that somehow she would come back or I'd wake up from all this.

I probably will need medication since sometimes I can't get out of bed. I hate to find a therapist though. I can't afford one and most of them don't know what they're doing anyway. It's too late to fix things in my life. She's not here anymore.

I felt "okay" last night then bottomed out this morning. Sometimes I don't think I'll make it through.

[DianeS]

Two weeks is really early to begin thinking of medication.  It takes time...sometimes a lot of time...to begin to heal from the death of your mom.  My mom died nearly 20 years ago and sometimes I can't believe it has been that long.  I miss her everyday and think of her so very often.  However, the pain does subside...if you let yourself heal and do the work of grieving.  If you don't it takes much longer and can keep you down much longer than it should.  I remember that raw, deep, deep pain and longing when my mom died.  It was a physical pain.  It came on the heels of my youngest brother's sudden death, nine months to the day before mom died.  That was the hardest year of my life.  It was also the beginning of a long, difficult journey.  However... you can do it and you will.  If you have no one who understands, find a counselor, a grief support group, something. 

For the person who wrote just before you and said that after two years you are still in the same place you were when your mom died, I'd like to gently say that you have to make a choice to move on and find a new normal now.  It is time.  It is not what any of us would choose, but it is life now.  We cannot control what happens in our lives, but we can make a choice of how we will deal with it.  We need to allow ourselves time to grieve, but we also have to allow ourselves to begin to move on.  My mom was so full of life and was such a character.  I would not be honoring her if I had continued to grieve so hard and let it affect my life in a negative way forever.  She loved life and I know she would want me to do the same.  I can only imagine how sad it would have made her if I'd have stayed in that same place year after year.  Letting them go is not forgetting them.  Death, as difficult as it is, is a part of everyone's life.  Look around you.  Everyone experiences it at some time.  We all lose our loved ones.  There is no way around it.  I remember when my brother died a close friend who worked with the families of the terminally ill said something that has stayed with me.  She said when a patient of hers would die and a family member would as "why" she would say to them, "It's just your turn."  None of us is exempt.  It is the hardest reality of life.   If we look outside of our little world of grief we will see many people we know who have experienced the same thing as us.  Some have experienced multiples losses and yet they find a way to move on.  We all make a choice.  We can choose to move on and try to live life in a way that honors our mother's, or we can sit where we are, in our dark, sad, scary world.  It is not easy and it is not quick, but we can do it.  You can do it.  You just have to begin to make that choice and take steps to move outside of the place you have been in for so long.  You are the only one who can make that choice for you.  We all grieve differently, but if we are to do more than just survive after such a loss, we have to make that choice.  Your family may or may not understand.  Perhaps they do understand, but feel that you are "stuck."  Not everyone moves at the same pace, but if you are still where you were two years ago, they are probably very worried about you.  Actually, you should probably be worried about yourself if you are unable to move on and begin to heal after this long.  There are mental health experts who deal with loss who could likely help you.  If you are unable to afford that, most towns have support groups of some kind.  If not there, then possibly a church group.  I don't know what you have available, but if you really want to begin to heal and move forward with your life, it will take some work.  Don't be afraid of doing the work.  Life still has a lot to offer you, but you have to be willing to accept it.  It is your choice.  I'm not suggesting that it is an easy choice to make.  I am talking to you from someone who knows the loss of a mother who was also my best friend.  It is my choice to live my life in a way that would make her proud.  I'll miss her and long to see her again for the rest of my life, but that does not have to dictate how I live my life.  I also miss my brother dearly, as well as my dad who died a little over a year ago.  Half of my family is now gone, but I still have a life to live here and it is my choice to live fuly the time I have left.  Even in my mother's last year, after the death of her youngest son, she was able to smile and find joy in life (although mixed with great pain).  I learned more from her in her last year of life than I learned the previous 33 years of my life. I watched her grieve deeply for her son, fight cancer and still be a part of our lives and find pleasure in those around her.  She taught me some valuable lessons that I carry to this day and hope that I can pass on to my children and grandchildren.   

I hope you will also make the choice to begin to let yourself heal and move on.  You'll never forget your mom, but you CAN live with that loss without having it destroy you.  I cannot help but think that this is what your mother would wish for you as well.

Best wishes,  DianeS

[socal2010]

I understand what you mean Diane, but right now I really don't know if I'll make it through. This just hurts too much and I'm not even out of denial yet. I can only imagine how much worse it will get. I can't take the pain.

[butterfly13]

It has been 1yr.for me since my mom has died,and I still feel like I'm in denial,I can't face the unbearable-that she is gone forever.Sometimes I think that denial is what keeps me from going crazy.I miss her more and more as time goes on-not less.I guess because now it has been longer since I last saw and talked to her,she was truly my best friend!I have so many things I need to tell her,I feel lost without my mom in my life-the world seems empty now.I don't even remember how I felt after just 2 weeks,I do know that I was in shock but I don't remember much except that pain in my heart every morning when I opened my eyes and realized it wasn't a bad dream,that she was really gone.I feel your pain and will keep you in my prayers!!

[novangel]

DianeS,

I understand where you're coming from with me needing to move on but I think that's easier to say when you've got 20 years under your belt to my 2 years. Believe me I don't choose to feel this way. I'd give anything to get back to normal life again. I was moving on quite well... but then developed anxiety disorder out of nowhere.

Living with this disorder has taken me back in the greiving process quite a bit because my mother was my safe-haven. I'm scared going through this without her.

Obviously my circumstances are not the norm. If I didn't have this going, and a lot of other things on top of it, on i could move on better (and I was) so I take the medication and hope for the best...

Thanks for the concern though...

 

 

[DianeS]

Novangel,

I do feel for you.  I really do.  Yes, it has been 20 years, but that number 20 did not just magically appear.  It started at day one, just as it did for you and everyone else here.  It was hell and it hurt more than I even want to remember.  And remember, I was also grieving my 29 year old brother's death at the same time.  He died in an Air Force plane crash just nine months before my mom's death.  My mom had been healthy all her life and then she was diagnosed with lung cancer (a non-smoker) and died less than six weeks later.  Again, it was hell.  I sometimes wonder how I ever made it through those first couple of years.  I remember standing in the shower several months after her death wondering if there would ever be a day without tears.  I'm glad you've realized that you need medication.  There is nothing wrong or weak in having to do that.  We do what we have to do to get through.  But...we also have to want to move forward and heal.  As hard as it is to do that, it is harder to stay where we are in that deep, dark pit.  The end result deciding that we need to accept the death and work towards healing and finding our new normal is that we one day wake up and realize that we are starting to do better.  Believe me, I grieved hard and cried so much I thought I'd never stop.  It is such a hard process.  But it is just that...a process.  If you are not moving through the grief stages, even very slowly, then it is time to search out help.  There are resources to be found if we want to find them.  At first it is one step at a time, one hour, one day, one month.  And then there are times when we find ourselves right back where we started, but we begin to move ahead again.  We are only given so much time on this earth and I believe it is up to each of us to decide what we will do with that time.  I would do anything to have my mom back, but since that is not possible I will continue to move forward, missing her each day.  The alternative is not a choice that I can even consider.  As I said in my last post, I choose to live my life to honor her memory.  I know it would disappoint her terribly to continue to grieve so deeply forever.  Again, I am not saying this just because I am 20 years down the road.  I remember all too clearly how it felt in the early days.  It is awful.  It is all-consuming.  It feels like it will never change.  But remember, I started at the same place you started.  Just keep focusing on moving forward.  There are so many good things in this life to be had, if we let ourselves experience them without a wall of unending grief.

Socal,  Of course you aren't even out of denial yet.  That takes time.  It is so overwhelming.  My mom was sick such a short time and had been healthy as an ox all her life.  To watch her die in less than six weeks was surreal.  We were all grieving so deeply for my younger brother.  It was hard to believe it could be happening again, so soon.  You will get through it because you have to.  I know it seems impossible right now.  Time does help.  It doesn't heal everything, but it dulls the pain and you learn to adjust.  The pain may get worse, but if you let yourself feel that pain you will move through the process.  I agree with butterfly, at times I miss my mom more now than I did when she died.  When she died I felt like I'd told her everything I wanted to say to her.  In a very short period of time I realized I had a lifetime of things to still tell her.  We were so close.  To be honest, there are still days when I find myself almost reaching for the phone to call her.  I know she's not there, but that desire to talk to her has never gone away.  I have so much to tell her now.  I don't know how we get through it, but we do.  Again, we are not alone.  Read other strands on this forum.  There are so many people who have lost loved ones.  There are many parents on the loss of a child forum whose hearts are shatered.  There are parents there who are several years down the road and they also tell of how they've begun to heal.  Many of them also say they've chosen to heal because it would dishonor their child to not try to live their life to the fullest.  It doesn't come quickly and it certainly doesn't come easily, but it will come in time...if you let it.

Blessings to all of you.

DianeS

[DianeS]

Hi again,

After posting my last post I read through some of the postings on the 'loss of a child' forum.  I am copying and pasting part of a post that was posted today.  This is exactly what I am talking about.  I am inspired to do the same when I read something like this.  I find myself thinking that if a parent can make this choice after losing their child, their heart and soul, then I can also make that choice and do the best I can from here on out.  I thought it might also be inspiring to you.  There is hope for healing.

"My son died of brain cancer, Oct 14, 2006.  He fought it so bravely for 17 months, but we knew from the outset that it was going to win the battle, but the war it did not win...Mike taught us all about bravery, unconditional love, and peace with whatever life hands you...this seems to be the thread that goes through all of the posts here...we all learned so much from our kids, whether we are parents who got the "dreaded phone call," or parents who sat by their bedside and watched our precious babies leave, an hour at a time...the pain lives in our hearts, but the joy that they put there works its way through and brings us to life again...when we think of all the love they gave us in the short time they were with us, how could we not honor them by living our lives to best of our ability, eventually...it takes time, lots of time, and help, and here is where you will find lots and lots of help..."

[socal2010]

Diane, I can't imagine how parents deal with the loss of a child. I have an Aunt who lived through that and she amazes me. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that my Mom loved me SO much and wanted the very best for me. I can't give up because I feel I have to have the life she wanted for me. I just have to. Right now I guess I'm just so lost I don't know how to deal with this. I am reaching out for help, at first I did that online, and now I'm trying a grief group at the local church. I went tonight and there was about 30 people with all forms of loss. I felt a little awkward afterwards because I didn't know what to say or do, but I think I will try to go back. It's a 13 week thing. I really want to get to a point where I can be happy that my Mom was part of my life instead of feeling miserable that she's no longer here. The mornings are the hardest. It's evening right now and I'm semi-okay. But I know tomorrow I will wake up with that painful hole in my heart and it will be hard to get out of bed. Especially because it's her birthday.

[DianeS]

Socal,

I know so well what you mean by the mornings being the hardest.  I remember feeling the same way.  You wake up and for a minute things are ok.  And then there is that thought that something is wrong.  Next it's like a ton of boulders drops on you again.  It's very painful.  That too does ease with time.  So much of the process is just letting the time pass.  As hard as that is to hear, it is the truth.  It was quite awhile before I could think of my mom and remember the good times.  For quite sometime all it was was painful memories and the hole in my heart.  It's a hole that cannot be filled by anything or anyone but your mom.   And good for you for realizing so early on that you can't give up because you have to live the life she wanted for you.  That will make all the difference for you.  It may not seem like it now, but hold on to that.  I'm glad you tried going to a group.  I did the same thing.  It was a "Surviving Loss" group.  After the first time I wasn't sure either.  I didn't say much, in fact I could only get out the words, "My mom died" before the tears came.  I went back though and it did help.  What struck me the most was that there were people there who had lost someone ten years ago or longer.  Each said the same thing...they said they had not dealt with the loss at the time and now it was back with a vengeance.  That was a good lesson for me.  It helped me to understand that the sooner I let myself grieve and feel the pain, the better I would be.  I did not want to be like those still struggling with it 10 years later. 

My mom's birthday is next week.  Those dates, especially the first after their death, are so hard.  Bless you as you try to get through today.

DianeS

[clittlelady]

I come back here tonight as the 30th day of this month marks the fourth year since I watched my precious Mother draw her last breath in this life.  I remember all to well the seemingly unbearable, gut wrenching, soul draining first days of life without her.  She was 86 and had lived a long life, but I was 44 and her only baby girl and she was both my Mother and my Father for all my life.  I gave her care in her last weeks, honored promises made long before (no life supports, no feeding tubes and seeing that she was able to dye in her own home, in her own bedroom).   I've come to learn as time has passed, that as I told her before she died, I would miss her every day of my life, and I have.  She and I were so close and I had never had anxiety attacks until she died.   They came and they went,  but the have subsided.  I keep telling myself and share with others who are grieving,  that we grieve hard, because we have loved hard.  Our grief reflects how much we truly gave love and felt love in return.  It's not the same for everyone.   Grief has it's similarities, but it is a very very personal thing that no one can really define for you or tell you when or how long you should grieve.   I do know this, I don't grieve the same way I did at first and it doesn't consume me.  The more time that has went by for me, as strangely as it may sound, I feel My Mother closer to me or see her in me more.   She will always be a part of me and I continue to embrace that feeling.  I do live a full life.   I do laugh again, which I felt I never would and resented hearing others seem so happy.   Sometimes it hits me, a crying moment when I miss her so much and I give in to it, experience it, feel it, dry my tears and keep going.    God Bless each of you here.  This was my soft place to fall just a few nights after I lost her.  I stumbled into this forum, shared my heart, gained much support, lingered a while and began to visit less and less as I began to have other life tragedies to occur.   I've always felt at home here, to drop in from time to time and share.    I wish strength and courage for you all to put one foot ahead of the next and live through your grief.

[angel44]

NovAngel i agree with heartily - i am not in normal circ**mstances either-  i had no support system but my mom - - my other few  family members live far away and are of no support at all. they also dont unstand this grief thing. they have homes and jobs and children and are very fulfilled and happy in life. i have nothing at all and live in such sadness, at least they do have their children. i dont even have that to look forword to.  they also have good jobs and are able to look forword to a better life without their moms or what ever - and  they look forword to purchasing a home and moving on - i dont have that even - i live on very little each month and am not able to work, i have health problems that prevent me. to make it short mine has been gone for 2 years also and i am stuck and am hurting very much also - i mean how do you just shelve everything you went thru with your mom and then  forget her and your life with her ? i guess i am not cold hearted enough to do that - i am to loving and to emotional-   i know the lady who said time to move on means well but its just not that simple every one grieves at a different pace for real - i mean for me and my sister we both have yet to grieve and to make peace with all of this death - we both have avoided this at any cost literally - some people wait many years to grieve bc at that point in their lives they are unable to grieve and come to terms- my sister and i may never grieve or come to terms with this - she does drugs and i do shopping - thats our escape - sorry to say - i am very sad over what she does bu i am not her mom or dad - all i can do is pray for her to find a different way to cope - for me its going places fast paced all the time - i go any where i can think of and spend as much time there as i can - and then try not to come home as my mom died at home also - when at home i distract myself and play computer games which i did a lot of at first or anything really - or i shop for some little things at home on the pc or at ebay - anything to not think plus i take anti depressants inorder to not think - they help not to think or to sit and remember much thank God for that - if you feel you want to not remember all the time to feel numb get the pills from the dr - without them i dont know what i would have done - this is what i have done since the beginning and its got me this far -

no one can say you have had so and so much time go on now with life - it just doesnt work that way - i guess when you live lonely, sad not normal lives like most of us at home on the pc things are very differant -- ps i guess i choose for right now not to move on and to not remember or to grieve and think at all but to medicate myself and be numb