It's been 62 days

[Badpenny]

HI, I'm Penny and I'm new around here.I met Eaarl when we were both homeless, and living in a shelter in downtown Dallas.  People told me not to get attached because such relationships don't last, but I never thought ours would end like this.  

 

We found out in October of 2014 that Earl had an agressive form of lung cancer, and that his survival chances were slim to none.  So we spent till March of this year, scrambling to make sure funeral arrangements were in place and just getting through the days, trying to continue the mundane tasks of day to day living and pretending to live life.  We laughed together, we cried together, did all the things that loving couples do.   

 

I told him I would be ok.  He was more worried about my future than that he didn't have one.  Now I find that I lied, I'm not ok, I wish I didhn't wake up every morning.  I've had people tell me to find a boyfriend to make things easier for me.   Just the thought makes me nauseous.   

 

Anyway, I hope I can find some solace here and maybe help somebody else as well.  Part of the bad part is not being anybody's anything anymore.  I don't know who I am, what I like, what I want.  Am I a freak?

[Loneliness unbearable]

Hi I lost my Michael april7th at 8pm. I don't know how to carry on without him. I don't want to carry on .

[claribassist13]

Badpenny,

No, you are not a freak. Let's get that out of the way right now. 

Erich Fromm once wrote: "In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two". It is something that we all experience. When we love someone we choose to let them into our lives and we decide to live our lives together. When we lose the person that has essentially become part of ourselves, that piece of us is missing and it hurts like hell. We were different people before we met our significant others, we were different people when we were with them, and now we are different people because we have lost them. It is perfectly okay to not recognize the person you see in the mirror because you aren't the same person anymore. Losing someone forces you to rediscover who you are within this new life experience. 

My fiance was only 19 when he died (I am 20). We were going into the second semester of our second year of college. We had a wedding to anticipate, he was planning on going to medical school, we were going to have children, and move back to his childhood hometown in California. We had so many long-term plans made, and now I have to completely re-plan the rest of my life. I have no idea who I am anymore, and I am desperately struggling to figure out what I want in life now that all of my original plans have been shot to hell. 

So, no. You are not a freak. And if you are, then the rest of us are as well. We are all dealing with the same emotions you are, but at varying levels. 

And to the people who tell you to get another boyfriend, you have all the permission in the world to tell them to **** off. Having someone else will never replace the person you lost, and you need to take time to come to terms with that. You need time to figure out who you are again and start loving yourself again before you go love somebody else. And you know what? It's perfectly okay if you date again soon, take a long time to date again, or never date at all. You have to live your life in a way that heals you and makes you happy. 

In essence, you do you.