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Lost my mom, terrified to live life in fear of hurting my dad?


Confusedd

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Hi everyone, 

This is my first time posting here or really talking to anyone who might understand what I'm going through.... But here is a quick back story:

I'm a 20 year old girl, with a 22 year old brother (who moved out almost a year ago), a dad, and my grandparents. (We all live in a house together aside from my brother). I lost my mom 2 years ago to cancer. At her funeral, instead of being there for me, most of my extended family pretty much drilled it into me that I have to be there for my dad and grandparents and I have to take care of them and take my moms place and be everyones rock. I'm almost certain my dad isn't aware of people saying this to me. My dad and I have always had a rocky relationship, poor communication and he is very hard headed and tough to talk to. 

Anyway, I'm having a fear of being stuck here and not being able to live my life. And I'm not sure if that makes me selfish. I want to go out and explore the world and travel and maybe move to another state or at least go for an extended time and figure myself out. I am so lost in life and need time to figure out what I want. And I can't seem to do that here. I just want to go. 

But I'm so scared of leaving my dad. I'm scared if I leave he's just going to be alone and I'd hurt him and I don't want to do that. As rough as our relationship is, I love my dad. But I don't want to continue being unhappy here. I'm so scared I'm going to be stuck here doing the same thing, day in and day out and not knowing what I want in life if I don't leave. But I just don't want to hurt him.

I have no idea what to do..... Is there anyone who has gone through something similar or is feeling the same way or just has any advice in general? None of my friends understand because they have both parents, who would have each other if they left. 

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Hi confusedd 

 

Some advice which I've collected off my dad and consellors over the years... 

If you move out your dad likely will feel alone and maybe even hurt, because he loves you and you spend time together. But you are an adult with your own life and he will adjust / find ways to deal with the change if you do move out/on with your life. It won't be easy for either of you but it will be okay. You can still be there for him by visiting or calling. Likely he would want you to do what makes you happy. If you want his permission... you may or may not get it. But you are an adult and have to do what's right for you. Your father is responsible for his life as you are for yours. Assuming he is in good health...he can do things for himself now so let him? one day he may not be able too and then you may be in a position where it's impossible to leave. Ultimately it's your decision. If you live your own life it doesn't make you a selfish person. If you can talk to your dad about how you're feeling that might resolve the issue for you?

I hope you find happiness in your current situation  or a new way forward that makes you happy 

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Unless he is an invalid with no one to take care of him, I really think it's time for you to leave the nest.  It's a parent's job to raise their children with both roots and wings. Roots so they know where they came from and wings so they can fly.   I adore my three sons, but I haven't tried to hold any of them back, even when the choices they were making were choices that broke my heart. I love them enough to want them to be happy, and to learn and grow--even if that means learning from mistakes. And my oldest has learned from some doozies!  But I'm always here to help pick up the pieces, and help them learn to fly again....

Your dad may or may not be happy about your choice. Some parents aren't supportive of their kids in that way. But if you feel it's time, it's perfectly normal. You're not his wife, or your mother's replacement. Your beloved mom would never have wanted you to sacrifice your own life that way. I know as a mom I wouldn't want that for my child......

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