Can't be without my Mom

[Followyourart]

Felt the need to share my story here. I got a yesterday morning from one of my sisters that my mom had passed only one day after being placed in hospice. She hid her lung cancer diagnosis really well. She knew wouldn't make it through surgery so she chose to live her last year with us by her side. My mom was one in a billion. She raised eight of us. Everyone ahe met fell in love with her amazing personality. Fierce, fiery, little woman she was. She was married to my dad for 52 years. We are handling it really bad. She only made it through three rounds of chemo and we were given false hope. She smoked since she was extremely young but we only learned she had stage 3b lung cancer days before her passing. The night she was taken out in an ambulance I knew she wouldnt return home. I remember earlier that night its like she also knew she was going to smoke her last cigarette. For at least two months she would take two drags and go back to bed, but that night she somehow made it out to the porch to smoke an entire cigarette. I will never understand the awful addiction. I watched her lose weight rapidly where she was down to only 60 pounds. The woman who had more energy than me in her prime. After I got the call I ran to the hospital so I wouldnt feel guilty about not being there when it happened. I wanted to be alone with her, hold her hand and tell her everything. Out of temporary insanity I took a blade to cut my wrist. I just feel overwhelmed with grief. My Lifelong best friend is now gone. I cant even eat anything. I dont wanna get out of my bed and face these next few days. I am extremely worried about my dad and our future. I have alot of family but no friends. Social anxiety was the reason. So many things running through my head. So unexpected! I want my mom! I can never be happy again without her guidance and support. I need people to talk to. I need friends that understand my heartwrenching pain. How do I go on? I lost the rock to my roll and the heart to my soul!!! 

[NewMorning]

I understand.  My Mother raised 10 of us and 2 months after being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.  The Dr.'s gave false hope as well, which actually ended cheating us out of precious time!!  I will NEVER forgive them for that.  It's been 3.5 months since my dear Mother's passing and I find myself feeling suicidal today.  I didn't feel suicidal in the beginning, but the more time that passed by has only engrained me more that my dear Mother is NOT coming back to me on this earth!  I don't know how we get over it and I wish I could take your pain away as well as my own and everyone else's on this forum.  It sucks, but at least you know you are not alone in this hell...we are here. 

[Followyourart]

Thank you for the reply. I will never forgive the doctors either that could have done way more. Thats really something she raised ten of you! She was also a super mom like mine then. I really try and not to have bad intentions of harming myself again but the pain is just so  awful. I feel like my life will only be full of despair and darkness. Watching my dad be heartbroken is the most difficult. I wake up every morning and think she will be downstairs greeting me again when in reality she wont. I will never believe it or be able to face this tragic reality. I know I am not alone and the support means alot to me. I to wish I could help you in some way.