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I'm an orphan now

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I lost my father and baby brother, who was almost 3, in a house fire in February when I was 12 years old.  My older brother and I got out, but they didn't and I spent my entire 20's and into my 30's being severely depressed and wracked by survivor's guilt.  I will never forget the sound of my father dropping to the ground trying to find my brother's and his little scream that followed right after, as my brother and I stood outside in the frozen winter air.  I finally got to a good spot.  I worked so hard to get there and forgive myself.  I got married, had a baby a couple of years later and when he was 6 months old, June 3015, my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

We had a lot of rough patches, but we were best friends.  We always had each other's backs.  I felt/feel so robbed.  I think I sort of assumed that I would have her until she was old because of the trauma I suffered when I was young.  That I would get a pass.  She had such a hard life too, losing her baby and husband in the fire and her father when she was 15.  I always said I would buy a house with a mother in law suite, so I could take care of her and we would never have to live to far apart.  

She declined very quickly, much quicker than everyone expected.  I took work off in January to take care of her.  By the end of the month, she was hospitalized, too weak to do anything on her own anymore.  On February 12th, she passed.  

I burst into tears so easily.  I can barely get out of bed in the morning.  It is getting harder and harder.  I have a constant tightness in my chest.  I can't concentrate and forget to listen to people at work.  If I didn't have my perfect little baby, I don't think I could keep going at all.

I don't think I can do this again.  I don't want to be me anymore, to be stuck in this body with all of this pain.  I feel myself falling into a pit and I don't want it to happen.  My baby deserves a mother.   


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MzSunny, sorry for your losses and most recently your mother. You've been through so much and I cannot even imagine how you got through losing your father and little brother in a house fire.I don't need to tell you how tough grief is.l also lost my mother to terminal cancer last july. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in December 2014 and died in july 2015. I looked after her and have lived with her most of my life, she was my best friend and to watch her die so cruelly is something I can never forget. My father has never been in my life or my brother's and  I always thought I'd see my mum grow old but life had other ideas. I get the feeling like an orphan as I really am. Join us on the daily thread at top of page as most of us post there. Everyone here supports one another through this hell of a journey. 

Hugs Lisa 

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Very sad to know about your father and baby brother and about your condition. But, there are many people who lose their family members in such disasters. But,one of my friends told me about of one of the this organization like this, who provide assistance to the orphans by spending some time with them and donating them the essential things to them. One can take the initiative and join such organization to help the orphans.

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