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matt

lost my brother, best friend and the daftest man ever

7 posts in this topic

Hi all, 

I thought I might get some insights into the total insanity that my world has been plunged into here. 

first off I'm 25 and my brother was 33 years old. we also have two sisters 20 and 35.

Steffan "Steff" was by far the most important person in my world and I worshipped the ground he walked on as little brothers do. he had the biggest grin and the kindest nature of anyone you will ever meet. he was 6'6" tall and strong enough so people would think twice about picking a fight with him. however he was a massive softy in reality and would take anything bad that was said to him to heart and be deeply hurt. He looked out for everyone and stood up for anyone that needed it. he was very much an idealist and had an certain innocence to him. He also happened to be the funniest bastard to have ever lived and could have a room in stitches with his playful silliness. 

He and I were similar in a lot of ways but at other ends of the scale in some ways, such as my cautious introverted almost nerdy nature vs his boundless extroverted enthusiasm and grand plans. He liked to go partying but I loved cycling and fitness tho we were both good at technical and mechanical things.  
I can remember looking forward to visiting him each summer because i knew it would be amazing and he'd do something that our mother wouldn't approve of like let me watch south park at the age of 13, or shoot an air rifle at some cans. then eat whatever we wanted whilst playing some pc game until 3 in the morning. he was also the worst influence on me. he once dared me to walk along a slippery bench backwards with my eyes closed.... and my competitive streak kicked in, needless to say I ended up with a massive bruise on my leg. He eventually settled down and had a family of one boy that is the image of him and three girls. I moved from Ireland to north Wales to be closer to them when i was 18. here i lived with him for a while before he helped me find my own place. time went by and i got a new job that took all my time but we always tried to make time for each other. Steff had always been a party animal but after he and his partner split up he definitely upped the anti. he and i would always talk about how he should get his fitness back by coming riding with me on the bike we built for him, but that will never get to happen

last year in June he went out with some friends for an all nighter. he called me but i was busy at a wedding party, so sent one of those instant reply texts to say i was busy and to call back later (yeah i have to live with that). the next morning i tried to call him but i didn't get an answer. so sent a text. still nothing. so i assumed he was having a lie in. at about 10am a mutual fiend of ours called and asked if we could meet up. i agreed so he drove over to mine. he looked upset and told me he needed me to sit down. then he told me that my brother was dead and i stared into nothingness for what felt like half an hour in total disbelief before demanding to see him. I waited for about 2 hours outside the hospital in order to see him whist trying to inform our two sisters and mother in Ireland and his ex partner. I was then called in. i took one look at his battered body that had blood foaming from his mouth and i broke down calling him a fucking stupid idiot. i then told him how much i loved him and stoked his hair. before holding his cold lifeless hand. this was too much and too final for me so i left. 

after the night out he had gone to a house party until the sun came up. Steff along with his girlfriend and a few others went for a walk to enjoy the fresh bright morning by a local waterfall. Steff along with his friend alex decided to go for a swim in a tranquil looking pool. unfortunately the waterfall hides its true strength and and Alex found himself in difficulty after straying too close. Steff saw this and went to help but also became overpowered by the force of the waterfall. to other friends tried to help but to no avail. both Alex and my dear brother were gone.

The day after broke my heart further as i told his kids the news. his son is probably the only person that looks up to him more than i do if thats possible.

At this point I shut off my emotions and ploughed into the funeral preparations. People seemed happy with it and i hope i did him proud

I then went into a degree that i have withdrawn from because i can no longer concentrate on even simple tasks.

will i always feel this unshakable loneliness and have my thoughts clouded permanently as they are?

thank you,    

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Things fade some, but it will always eat at you. Ferociously. Overwhelmingly. Distracting and debilitating. Honor him by being strong enough to fight through it.

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thanks. i constantly feel like something isn't right. its almost like I'm on edge and alert all the time, its so tiring. I'm just gutted that the best and most wonderful person in my life is gone forever and there is nothing in the world i can do to get him back. there was something uniquely special about spending time with him. i can never feel that again. i never looked up to footballers or actors or musicians because i knew that i didn't really know any of them. but i looked up to Steff tho. he showed me that being a genuinely kind person was the most rewarding way to live your life, i can remember wanting to be exactly like him as a kid. 

 

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I feel so much the same way. I lost brother almost 3 years ago he was my best friend the laughter in my life and was taken from me at only 27. He had a car accident on the way to work to which he was on life support for 5 day before we had to say goodbye. He has 2 beautiful small children too that are every lovely bit like him, but i really struggle to be the happy person i was anymore i truly feel lost and not sure of who i am as a person anymore without him 

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It's been almost 5 months for me.  Can't concentrate, totally on edge, easily angered, and crying a lot.  I can still see his eyes as he died.  In such disbelief that it even happened.  Hugs to you, Friends.

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