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Loss of older brother to suicide


rachel91

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Hi there, 

This is the first time I am talking about my older brothers suicide in August 2013. He was 24 at the time and I was 22. I'm now 24, and all I can think about is how much I miss him. The idea I struggle with the most is that he's gone forever, and I'll never again feel fully satisfied with life. Any achievements I make are tainted, when I have get married, it won't be the happiest day of my life. Every single moment of my life has changed forever. 

Everyone said it would get better, but to be honest, it's gotten much worse for me. Every single moment of every say hurts - I miss him with every fibre of my being, and the guilt I feel it unimaginable. 

That's all for now - its been hard enough doing this. 

R

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I am so sorry for your loss. Talking about your loss is the best way to heal. I am glad you are talking about it now. 

We will he here for you when you want to talk more,

ModKonnie

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I know the exactly way you feel. 

I lost my 18 year old brother about 5 months ago to suicide and I am only 17. I've had a rough life and my brother was my main support. I know I am young, but I always wanted to ask my brother to walk me down the isle. I didn't want anyone else. I have achieved so much and I agree that it feel so pointless. My main struggle is believing his gone too. When I read what you said I just agreed with it all. 

I hear my mum cry her heart at night when she thinks the rest of us have gone to sleep. I cry myself to sleep and I find school so hard. I once again broke down today and everyone asks whats wrong, even if they knew how could they help. Nothing helps. I've learnt from many traumas that time does not heal it! 

 

 

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I lost my brother in February, he should've been turning 24 in August. I'm turning 22 at the end of the month, first ever birthday I will spend without him here. 

Everything you just said I can relate too. I don't seem to enjoy life anymore, my brother was my best friend and it kills me waking up in the morning and realising that this isn't a bad dream, this is my life now. I just hope and pray that it'll get easier.

Sending love to you X 

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Hi Joan

Thanks for your note, reading everyone's post on here does somehow offer me some comfort - I really find it easier talking to people who know the kind of pain. 

I know everyone grieves differently, but somehow I found the first year the easiest, and every year since harder then the one before. The pain really started to kick in when I began really missing Matthew. We were at different universities so it wasn't unusual not to see him for 6 months or so, so it didn't seem to real at first. The hardest bit for me was when people go back to their everyday lives and you wonder how much they're still thinking about him. I just want to talk about his all of the time, but I somehow don't. My fiancé will ask me to talk about him, and ask me to tell him stories, but I say I don't want to - even though I do. I think I don't want to share memories with people who don't understand - and for my family (those who do understand), I don't want to burden them with the pain of talking about him. 

What date is your birthday? Special occasions are really hard - and they seem to creep up all of the time. My advice would be keep your family around you and spend an hour alone, thinking about him. Honour him with that time, and imagine you're spending it together. 

I'm sure it will get easier then this - everyone keeps saying so and I guess we kind of have to believe it. 

Sending love to you too - 

R

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I clicked on your post and my heart sank. I lost my only sibling to suicide August 13th 2003. She was my absolute best friend. A month and a half later my father took his life as well. My life has been a roller coaster since. I finally broke down tonight to find a chat room or something to find people who know the pain I'm going through. 

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Hi Rachel 91 and everyone, 

I lost my brother this past August and although police still haven't ruled on anything the only thing it seems like it was suicide. I'm not sure if any other kind of death would have been easier to deal with but I completely relate with everything you said. About sharing his memory, about not wanting to burden family, about feeling that he seems already forgotten by most. I live in another country so i wasn't used to seeing him more than once a year at most. It had been 2 years since I saw him this time but we spoke regularly. plus he was my only sibling so ....he was always just there for me although not physically. I flew home for just a week after they found him and during that week i was running up and down sorting out his apartment and legal stuff because I didn't want my dad burdened with that. I wanted him to sit and grieve and to take care of him. But now that I'm back i feel like it has all creeped up on  me and I cant stop crying. I feel like i have nothing to look forward to but grief for the rest of my life, but more than that its the loneliness in the grief that has me crawling up the walls. At least if I had someone who felt the same near me...

I'm 6 months pregnant so i fight every day just to hold it together, I'm worried its all going to crumble once I have the baby .....but that's also too far away to worry about now when I've really started struggling to get through on a daily basis. More than anything....its the guilt that eats at me.

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Hannahsbananas

Rachel, 

my youngest sister Elizabeth  died July 23rd 2016. She was 22. Her birthday was July 16th.  I'm 24, my birthday is July 1st. I had my daughter Rowan dec 27th of 2015- Elizabeth had a special way with Rowan. I can't describe it really.  One of the last things we talked about was rowans first birthday. Elizabeth was the photographer of the family- talked about taking Rowan's one year pictures. Looked on Pinterest. I think about it everyday. My first baby's birthday and  I'll be consumed with Elizabeth and pain. How she isn't going to be apart of everything. It hurts thinking I can't see her hear her feel her. It's hard to grasp at times. I've called her needing help not realizing that she's not here to help me like before.

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