Members blue.orchid Posted April 20, 2016 Members Report Share Posted April 20, 2016 As anyone else had difficulty connecting with friends after a major loss? I lost my fiancé, and my friends were supportive at first, but they have really backed off now. I figured they thought maybe I needed space, so I invited them out. Even when we were together our conversations were awkward. Is this because I am such a different person than I was before this tragedy? It is very upsetting. I lived with my fiancé for two years, and now he is gone and I live alone. It is sooo lonely, especially in the evenings! Am I doing something wrong?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted May 2, 2016 Members Report Share Posted May 2, 2016 I have noticed the same thing as well. I've talked a lot of my friends, and it many cases they are silent simply because they care and just don't have any other way to express it. People in our society just want to fix things. Our grief is an ugly thing and it is difficult for others to look upon. At first people try to offer their support, do as much as they can to fix us as quickly as possible. But over time people think that we need our space or they simply don't know what to say anymore. Most people can't handle that, so they distance themselves from the awful reality that is our grief. Oftentimes friends are trying to keep your best intentions at heart. I've had friends who will avoid the subject of the death of my fiancé all together simply because they don't want me to start crying or they think that I don't want to talk about him because it will hurt me. We also have to remember (especially if they are mutual friends of you and your fiancé) that they are going through their own grieving process as well. They often don't want to bring up the fact that they are hurting as well because "your pain in so much worse than theirs" or something else along those lines. I would recommend just telling your friends how you feel. Let them know that you do (or do not) want to talk about them and that you realize this is probably awkward for them. Don't apologize for it (because you have nothing to apologize for) but just let them know that you understand the fact that they may not know what to say or how to act around you. Worst case scenario: you have to make some new friends. This might encourage you to join a support group or pick up a new hobby, something that might help with your loneliness. I'm sorry that you are experiencing this. I wish that everyone could just understand, but thank god that they don't. I would never want any of my friends to go through what we are going through. Hopefully this helps somewhat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue.orchid Posted May 6, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted May 6, 2016 Thank you for your input. I have tried telling them what they can do to help me (just don't get tired of hearing stories about Ben). Thank you for reminding me not to apologize, because I have found myself doing that. I apologize for being depressing. Everything about this process just sucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted May 6, 2016 Members Report Share Posted May 6, 2016 I'm glad that something I said was helpful. You really do just have to do you. That's all you can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members green7 Posted June 9, 2016 Members Report Share Posted June 9, 2016 Blue.orchid, I understand how you feel. My boyfriend passed almost two months ago, and Ive lost friends as well. I had to stopped talking to some of our mutual friends as well as some of my own friends. Just last night I had an argument with one of my best friends. I get they mean well and they want me to get better. But what they don't understand is the fact that I can't change the way I feel. Most of the time I have no control over my emotions, pain, sadness or guilt. I'm not the same person and I never will. I was a happy, I had everything, but mostly I had him! I know life goes on, but as now I can't see it that way. My friends are running out of patience and honestly I don't care. I'm tired of hiding my pain, to pretend to be ok so I don't get the " you need to get over it " speech. And if I only get to keep one friend I'm ok with it. I feel like I was wearing a mask, and that person wasn't me. I'm this woman who lost the love of her life. And I will never be person I was before him. I understand that only my thrue friends will stay aroun, but also understand that they don't have to put up with my craziness and my ups and downs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue.orchid Posted June 20, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted June 20, 2016 green7, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with this as well. You should not have to try to hide your grief, especially after only two months! I have come to realize that if my friends cannot stand by me in such a difficult time, maybe it is time for me to move on. I hate trying to make new friends. It is hard at 30 years old, and I am naturally an introvert, but I feel like I am a changed person also, so it might be the only way. I have actually found myself getting closer to his friends, maybe because they are missing him too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted June 20, 2016 Members Report Share Posted June 20, 2016 Many people are not cut out to support a friend through the long-term grief process. They, in their own way, will try to help, but there are times when you'll just need to move on. My mother always told me that friends come and go in our lives as we need them. After such a significant loss, we need something else from the people we surround ourselves with. Oftentimes, that means connecting with different people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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