Father died, no cards, flowers, or support. Please help.

[Tidy]

Hi. My father passed away this weekend after years of declining Heath. We have been estranged for years, my choice. He also lived across the county from me, near my only other sibling, his golden child son. 

 

Ive been surprised by the emotions I'm now dealing with, but I'm aware his death is bring up so many unresolved pain and anger from my life with him. But what I'm most angry at, just livid, is that no one gives a crap about how I'm doing. Yes, people wrote kind words as comments to my post on Facebook about his death, but other than that, NOTHING. No cards, no flowers, no one checking in on me. This stirs up my lifelong pain from my father, that I never mattered. I'm finding myself repeating in my head "good job dad, even in your death, you're proving to me that I'm not worthy of attention or love". I know this sounds petty, I know. But I'm just do very angry. I just can't believe no one is there for me, and everyone is supporting my narcissistic, "he hates me for everything and anything" brother. And again, I'm left here getting ignored.

 

Can anyone please help me with these feelings? I've been searching online for days, and there's nothing. An I the only one who has never gotten any cards or flowers when their father died???!

[pamelajeanne]

I lost my mother unexpectedly on Feb 20.I have no other family except 2 siblings and the relationship is strained to say the least.The truth is that nobody cares too much past "oh Im sorry for your loss" because it was not a loved one of their own who passed.People dont mean harm and you cant be mad.They dont understand what your dealing with.Unfortunately, some of us walk alone in the world but it will make you a stronger person.Google grief support groups in your city and attend one of the meetings.The people there are a special bunch and they know what your going through.I am truly sorry for your loss and I hope you know that some people really do care.You just have to look in the right places.Best of luck.If you need anyone to just talk to feel free to message me.I feel alone too.

[MissionBlue]

I am sorry for your loss, Tidy.  As you'll find on this forum, many people are sadly disappointed by the reaction of friends and relatives after the death of their parent.  Since you were estranged from your father, perhaps they didn't know how you would react to their expressions of sympathy.   You state that your dad was a source of unresolved pain for years.  Was there a funeral service and did you attend?   Even in the best of circumstances, people can be cheap about ordering flowers or buying sympathy cards.  I have an uncle who has a beautiful home next to a golf course, has travelled the world, dines in great restaurants, but all I got from him was a card, no flowers for his own brother, and they were on good terms.  That hurt, but I saw it more as a reflection on their materialism than on me.  My dad's two sisters sent flowers for my dad's funeral.  However, one sister sent flowers from herself and her four grown children who live in different states, even though her kids are doing so well they could have easily sent flowers of their own.  Lots of people are frugal so they can travel and eat out more often.  Like pamelajeanne said, I don't think people mean any harm, they just don''t understand.  Many people think showing up at the funeral is enough. 

[Tidy]

Thank you both for your responses. Missionblue, there will be no funeral or service down where he lives (across the country from me). No service whatsoever, which is something we all knew before his passing. 

 

I do agree that people just don't get it, and assume I'm just fine. Still, it's just so incredibly disappointing, especially since I'm taking it all much harder than i thought I would. 

[Lottie_Lulu]

My mum has had the same experience as you whereas mine has been the opposite. Since my Dad died my friends have been checking up on me all the time on Facebook, taking me out for dinner and paying and giving me hugs. As it's 6 weeks since Dad died it's starting to wear off a bit now, I think people think the big news is over so there is no need to see if I am alright. But my mum on the other hand, who also has loads of friends, has just been left completely on her own. If she didn't live with me I really think it would have sent her over the edge. The most her friends have said is "hope you feel better soon" and that's it - as if she's got a cold. Quite a few of her friends have been really off-hand with her when she rang them up (they didn't ring her). I don't know what it is. Some people I guess just don't know what to say. Until you've been through the loss of a parent I don't think you can understand how dreadful the whole thing is. My friends are all very emotional creative types so they're very much up for wailing and crying, but her friends who aren't just don't understand it at all. So no you're not alone. At all. And I totally understand the bit about taking it much harder than you thought you would, I am finding my Dad's death almost impossible to deal with and I was so ready for it I thought it would be easy.

[Diane Eileen]

Hi Tidy:  I know it hurts when no one seems to call or come over.  Often times this is when people really don't know what to say.  It's very sad, and I'm sorry you are suffering with grief and loneliness.  You are in my  prayers and here are some lovely flowers I've found.  Please accept these as my  virtual healing prayer for you.

[LMiller6794]

I know it's about 5 months since this post, but I am also going through the same grieving issues. My Dad and I have not talked in years, my choice, and he died due to Alzheimer's yesterday. I was informed by his niece and I was in complete shock. I never thought about him for years or missed him, but this death thing has turned into a lot of unexpected tears. The more time goes by my emotions go from shock, to sadness, to anger, back to sadness again. No one is asking how I feel or how I am, saying sorry for your loss or anything. His family  members who were still close to him are getting all the responses and sympathy. I did not know I would feel like this, but I am his daughter, not just an acquaintance. I feel like I am being judged in a way and no one knows the truth about the history. I don't care what anyone else thinks, but I am just not sure what the next step should be. Not sure if I will be going to service because I live across the country. I just want closure with my Dad and his family. Thank you for any support ❤️

[Lottie_Lulu]

Hello, what an awful experience to go through. Grieving is a very weird thing and everyone does it differently, so nothing you're feeling is wrong. I suspect the rest of the family just think you wouldn't be upset as you hadn't seen him for so long, but in fact it can really stir up emotions from the past, particularly if you felt things were unresolved. I always wished my dad would turn into the father I wanted him to be, so when he did finally die that door was permanently shut and I found it really hard to accept I wouldn't get the closure I wanted. Explaining this to other people is really impossible unless they've been through something similar or they're willing to accept and listen to what you say. Not getting any sympathy must be really difficult, do you have people around you you can talk to and say how you're feeling? You could also try for bereavement counselling as it seems you have a few issues that would benefit being talked over with. If you can go to the service I would try to make it, it might provide some sort of closure for you plus it will show the family you do care. HIs family won't want you to talk openly about how difficult your relationship was as people only really want to look at the positive side of people when they've died, particularly if they've always had a good relationship with them. But you could say things had been very difficult for you both and you wish it could have turned out differently.

You have my deepest sympathy about the whole situation, please believe that you are normal, and not the only one to feel this way.

x

[Tracyann]

My mom died January 2017. I was 40, she died unexpectedly at 67. The only thing I received in the way of condolence was a potted plant... from my employer. I have many “friends”, relatives, in-laws, and acquaintances, and no one seemed to give me or my grief a second thought. 

Ive always tried to be kind and considerate to everyone. I was utterly blindsided by the lack of sympathy and compassion that came my way. 

The blow of losing my mom was multiplied by the feeling of being utterly alone in the world. Quite honestly, it has changed my outlook on people in general. The world is a colder place. I see people as self-centered, selfish, and uncaring. I am still polite because my mom raised me that way. But I don’t think for a second that anyone actually gives a crap about me, aside from my daughter. Because, quite simply, they don’t. 

Sad, but true.

[reader]

Dear Tracyann,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry, I know how hard it can be when friends and family do not respond with as much empathy and compassion as we hoped they would and should.

Please know we care. And we are here to listen and support each other.

Thinking of you. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

[BlueGalaxy]

It's interesting Tidy because I actually found myself on the flip side of that coin in the immediate aftermath of my mom's death in November of 2017.  Unlike in your situation, my mom and I were extremely close, each other's best friends really, and as such my first and last loyalty is always to her.  I was also obnoxiously protective of her...her fight was automatically my fight.

When she passed, she was somewhat estranged from her mother and brother, and there was a stepmother and step siblings she had become estranged from.  When we (my dad and I) were making arrangements for her funeral service, I wanted to cut that entire side of the family out of everything.  My immediate reaction was anger towards them, and I remember telling my dad that I would be damned if the people who treated my mom like crap during her life would ever take part in mourning her death.

He however, was of a much cooler head, and thank God for it.  He reminded me that every story has two sides, and that my automatic instinct was to always side with Mom no matter what.  He also pointed out that our grieving process was agonizing enough without adding more hard feelings to it.  In the face of his calm rationale, I relented and included everyone in her final arrangements.  

Today, I'm so glad I did.  People like my grandmother and uncle have been a surprising and much needed source of support.  I've actually found some comfort in repairing those relationships, and grieving her loss together.  Sadly her stepmother and siblings never seemed to come around and chose not to participate.  I consider that to be their loss.  On top of that, they missed out on having a truly beautiful person in their lives while she was living.

I guess my point is this.  Your feelings are perfectly appropriate in the face of your unique situation.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  I also believe that as long as no one is being endangered, however you choose to grieve is up to you, and you have nothing to apologize for.  I'm so sorry that the people who should be supporting you are letting you down again.  Please accept my deepest condolences on your loss.