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don't want and can't 'let go'


mariesgirl1953

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mariesgirl1953

I can't do this anymore... Everything is such a mess. I struggle through each and every day without my beloved mam. I have gone to two mediums to see if that would help. It hasn't but at least I got to hear from my beautiful mam and know she happy where she is. The only thing I'm greatfull for is that she is no longer in pain or suffering endlessly from her awful battle with severe rheumatoid arthritis. God love her it was terribe on her - days where she couldn't walk and would have NO CHOICE but to stay in bed for the heat. Ill do anything to have her back. I just can't get that devastating call out of my head when my dad told me 'mammys dead' and then crying. All I remember is running uonto my bedroom to get dressed, collapseing to the floor and screaming 'no' my husband replied 'shhh, don't wake fi**an' I'll never forget it as long as I live. I can't cry, can't sleep, can't eat... The only thing I can do is clean an already spotless house, shower, do laundry, put that away, and take care of my son,eg: bath him and cook for him. I don't care about myself other then personal hygiene obviously. Some days its even a overwhelming task to wash or shower. Some days I don't even get dressed. (My pajamys are changed daily though) as are my sons if he is dressed I get dressed and we go out... But it mainly to the shops or town and back then its straight into fresh pajamas for both of us. I cook for him but not for me. I usually just survive on coffee, cigarettes and a bit of whatever. Chocolate pasta anything convientant. I miss my mam so dearly. My dad never calls to see how I am. I always ring him always.. He has also done things there aren't forgiveable. He took money off my mam's estranged sister (no one in the family talks to her) and paid for my mam's funeral with that!!! I'll never ever forgive him for it. Never. I haven't confronted him over it yet. But when I do I'll let him know what I fucking think of him. I can't grieve because I'm afraid if I do, I'll end up in a but house. I can feel it slowly happening... The anti depressants I am on don't help one bit so I am not taking them anymore. Ever since my mam died I have constantly been with my son, as my husband works. He has two days off but he treats that as HIS time to catch up on sleep or whatever he needs to do. He also drinks a lot. I don't want to be putting pressure on my family etc to be there for me. Its not fair on them. They have there own children and lives to worry about.

My dad also gave my mam's handbag away to his sister who I hardly know!, I asked him for it just after my mam died and he said he wanted to keep it and the he gives it to a sister he hardly even knows???

Then to top everything he said instead of buying flowers for my mam's grave he'll just did through the bin where people throw dead flowers and get some out of there!!! I actually can't believe that!  My husband told me that my dad told him that and I fully believe him. My dad is as mean as cat shite as my mam always said to him. Like 3 or 4 euros is two much for flowers for him! Gimme a break I was going to get some specially made for her and he didn't want me to - now I know why... He says they die too quickly and don't last long. Why should that matter?,I don't cafe if they last a DAY I'm getting MY mam flowers no matter what he says

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Dear Marie'sGirl, You don't have to let go, just keep your loving Mam in your heart ALWAYS!!

Please stay on your meds and get some outside help with a counselor you can trust.  You don't need to rush thru your grief but you do need to continue being your son's Mam, right?  So just do the best you can little by little and you WILL get thru this!

I know our dear Mother's are in heaven rooting for us, for our peace, health and joy.  I believe we WILL have that again one day after we heal from our devasting loss.

You and I and all of us on this forum need time to put ourselves back together but have to live in the mean time.  You CAN do this!

Take Care!

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