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I am 35 years old and an only child. My parents have been divorced since I was 5.

Back in September 2015 (six months ago), my father lost his battle with colon cancer. We did not know how sick he was, I only got the news that he was terminal about 10 days before his death. His decline was rapid and he suffered terribly. I was there to administer his care, sat with him. He asked me if I would be okay and I told him I would. He chose a moment when I left his hospital room to let go.

I have been struggling with his loss ever since, been seeing a therapist. I can't stop thinking about how he was so weak and in so much pain. I'll never forget it. 

So, that was six months ago. Two days ago, on March 30, I received a late night phone call from my stepfather letting me know my mom had passed away. She collapsed while sweeping the back porch from a ruptured brain aneurysm.

She was 64 and perfectly healthy. I have airline tickets booked to go see her in a week. I spoke to her earlier that day and she was fine. 

I am so beside myself. I started feeling disconnected... laying on the couch, I felt like this was happening to someone else and I was watching. My heart is palpitating. I can't take a deep breath, I can't eat, I can't sleep. 

I moved up my flight and I'll be attending my mom's funeral on Tuesday. Just six months and one week from my dad's.

i guess there's no point to this post... I just feel so alone in this. I need help from people who know..

 

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Oh Chelly~ I am so very sorry for BOTH your losses!  You haven't even had time to completely grieve for your Father and now you have this shock of losing your Mother!  I just lost my own dear Mother about 2 months ago and I finally got on this site to help me with this tangled mess of emotions that some call the stages of grief.  Whatever it is, it sure sucks the life out of the lungs of the living left behind, doesn't it?  Do you have siblings or close relatives that you can talk to?  I know that doesn't always help, as I have many siblings, which none of them are taking the loss as hard as I am.  Usually the care taker is the one that gets dumped on and has the hardest time letting go because they usually were the closest to their parent emotionally and geographically. 

I wouldn't doubt you are in shock at this time, and I would suggest if you have a GP you should see your doctor and possibly get some meds if need be just to help you function temporarily.  But please feel free to email me back if you just want to 'chat' or if you feel too sad and/or alone.  I have been going thru the ups and downs for weeks and it's starting to dawn on me that possibly this is only the beginning of my journey thru grief--God I hope not!  But on the other hand, it's keeping me connected to my Mom, my best friend, my hero...I don't ever want to let her go!!  I wish my own grief were not so fresh so that I could help you feel at least not so alone!

Do take care of yourself and post again whenever you need to!

 

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Chelleybeans, I am so very sorry for your loss.  I also am an adult orphan.  I lost both my parents within two months of each other back in 2014.  I understand how devastated you feel.  My dad passed away when I dozed off momentarily in a chair by his hospital bed.  I had been keeping vigil with him for 36 hours.  He wasn't conscious but I think he waited until I fell asleep before he left this world.  I found an interesting article called "Why Do The Dying Often Wait Until Their Loved Ones Leave The Room Before Dying?":

http://www.bestpsychicdirectory.com/Why-Do-Dying-Often-Wait-Until-Their-Loved-Ones-Leave-Room-Dying

I am currently reading a book called "Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Parent Dies (Healing Your Grieving Heart series) Kindle Edition

https://read.amazon.com/?asin=B003I86FQE

Quoting from this book:

<<<TELL THE STORY, OVER AND OVER AGAIN IF NECESSARY
 
Acknowledging a death is a painful, ongoing need that we meet in doses, over time.  A vital part of healing in grief is often "telling the story" over and over again.
 
The "story" related the circumstances surrounding the death, reviewing the relationship, describing aspects of the personality of the parent who died and sharing memories, good and bad.
 
It's as if each time we tell the story, it becomes a little more real.  it also becomes a more integrated part of who we are.
 
Find people who are willing to listen to you tell your story, over and over again if necessary, without judgment.. >>>
 
The author mentions that there is a difference between grieving and mourning.  It is not enough just to grieve -- we have to mourn which means to experience the pain (in doses), to express how you feel to others, and to empower yourself by finding ways to help yourself heal.   The more I read this book, the more I think it's the best book I've read on the subject.  It's a very easy read, maybe a little too simple for some people, but for someone who is exhausted by grief, as I often am, it's just right. 
 
If we were to allow all the pain in at once, we would not survive.  That's why many of us, like myself, felt numb right after the death and for several weeks after the funeral.  Allow yourself to think about and feel the loss.  I couldn't help but think about it, but some people try to distract themselves too much.  And then when they say they're "doing well", they've actually been avoiding the pain which just prolongs the grieving process.  Always remember, no matter what anyone tells you, pain is normal and necessary to recover from a profound loss.  Embracing your grief allows you to learn to reconcile yourself to it.
 
I wish you the best and I hope you will derive as much benefit from this forum as I have. 
 
 
 
 

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21 hours ago, MissionBlue said:

 

<<<TELL THE STORY, OVER AND OVER AGAIN IF NECESSARY
 
Acknowledging a death is a painful, ongoing need that we meet in doses, over time.  A vital part of healing in grief is often "telling the story" over and over again.
 
The "story" related the circumstances surrounding the death, reviewing the relationship, describing aspects of the personality of the parent who died and sharing memories, good and bad.
 

This is fascinating, Missionblue, because I feel that's exactly what I do here all the time...bleating all the time about all the good times I shared with Mom. It's as if I were reliving all the moments I cherished with her, just so I won't feel so alone. She did exist, I tell myself...it wasn't just a dream. She was really here and she did love me. 

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I'm so sorry for your loss.  My dad died 2 weeks ago.  My mom died unexpectedly a year and a half ago.  Its longer than 6 months, but it feels like nothing.  3 months after mom passed my dad became critically ill.  The doctors gave him 2 weeks and said hospice.  He said no and I cared for him for another 8 months.  He got really strong for a while too.  And though he was devastated from losing my mom, he really tried to embrace life.  I have learned so much from him... about resilience and love... and that there is life to be had and beauty to be found if we don't stop seeking it.  I'm clinging to that now because I lost my best friend and confidant 1st in my mom and now in my sweet father and even a new kind of relationship that blossomed following my mothers passing.  I know that it was a gift.  I also lost the only people who care about the minutiae of my everyday life. It can be so very lonely.  Be kind to yourself.  I'm learning to be nice to me and be gentle.  I took care of others for so long, but never prioritized myself and well being.  I'm going to try.  Its what they would have wanted for me.  Peace and love. 

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My dad died unexpectedly on February 17 of a pulmonary embolism, and I had a flight scheduled to go visit my parents on February 19. It's not that I think it really would have made it any easier if he had passed after my visit, but I felt cheated just the same. Instead of having dinner and visiting with my parents, February 19 was the day I went to see my dad's body and say goodbye at the funeral home before he was cremated. It was so very upsetting.

I'm still learning how to do this, but I agree...talking about your loss and even just talking about your parents in general makes things easier. Good luck to you, and know that you are not alone in your grief.

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Hi Chelleybeans

My mom passed away 22 hours ago. I dread looking at my watch tonight and it's 19.30 because that was when I finally lost her yesterday. My dad passed away 20 years ago, so I know how you feel about being an adult orphan.

I feel like you, cannot breathe right now, cannot go on. I fell into this kind of depression that is just insanely painful. Everything seems joyless without my mum. How am I going to live through Xmas without her. She has been ill for a long time and I always dreaded this day. I just want my mum back, not sure if I can cope.

Sorry, I cannot console you in any shape or form, just telling you that somewhere on this globe is somebody who is in agony like you are right now.

 

Take care

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Prayers to you all.  I totally understand as my mom died 3 days (8/30/16) after burying my father (8/20/16).  Both were young at 72 and 73 years of age.  I am lost and it is just now hitting me terribly. Too much for anyone to endure.

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My mum died in early July 2015 and my dad died in early December 2015. And in between (in October 2015), my younger brother (and only sibling) got married. It's been about a year since the life-changing events, but I still have problems accepting them. On good days, I can be positive. On bad days (especially during PMS), I can get so emotional and will be crying my eyes out and get upset over trivial things that my brother did/say (or didn't do/say). Despite staying with my brother, I feel as if sometimes he doesn't seem to care what I am feeling or how I am doing, as he is so caught up in his new responsibilities/duties as a married man. I know that he cares and is concerned about me. And deep down of me, I know that he is trying his best to carry out his roles.

On the exterior, I look ok. On the inside, only God knows how I am really feeling.....the emotional roller coaster ride that I am in. I am lost. I have no more motivations in life. I feel like a zombie....just going through life's daily motions, but feeling empty inside. I guess a (huge) part of me really died when my parents died.

Sometimes I can't help but feel a bit of resentment towards my sister-in-law. Like, why does she have to come into my brother's life and get married to him during the period that I need my brother the most?? I know that I am not supposed to have such thoughts and ask those questions, as these are all predestined. I don't know how long I will have such feelings, or if this feeling of resentment will eventually go away...

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