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LKC

Losing both parents, only child.

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LKC   

I found this forum using google... My name is Lindsey. I lost my Father, whom I was very close with on June 11th 2014, and now I have recently lost my Mother who I was caring for on February 19th of this year. To say that I feel lost is the very least. My anxiety, among my mental state are kind of all over the place. I have no siblings, I am not married and no children of my own, and only a few people I can turn to who are honest and constant in my life. My parents both had illnesses, and I was there to help them along their way. My Fathers loss was very sudden, as he didn't wake up one day due to drug abuse, hypertension and diabetes at 50yrs old. I tried to resuscitate him, thought he would make it to the hospital fine, but he passed. My Mother was diagnosed with Follicular Lymphoma and passed in a three week span after a go at chemotherapy through January & February. I, myself am thirty years old... I was very close with my parents, and now I just feel this over whelming dread that I am putzing around in my life with no real compass pointing me where to go because it was always us helping each other. My Father suffered from mental illness so I stepped up to the plate at being an adult at a pretty young age. I've always helped take care of them, and them me, along with taking care of other people in my life. I miss them so much and I feel it's something it's going to take me the rest of my life time to come to terms with, and I feel like this cycle of grief is damaging me, pushing away those who I have left in my life because they honestly don't understand what is going on with me, and I'm left here trying to keep myself together... but it's something I must go through. I'm terrified of what the next year brings, and what will happen in the future when Holidays roll around, and I have no family to share it with. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I am now an adult orphan, and it's just not something I think I can fully grasp at this time, but am trying my hardest. I feel like after my Father passing, my grief was put on hold to continue taking care of my sick Mother, who at the time I only thought had a hereditary disease called Multiple Cavernous Angiomas ... Now it feels like I'm experiencing grief and so much more. I am seeing a doctor as of recent to try and get help, and suggests a support group for grief, but I feel if I go in public to speak I will just fall to pieces over it, and that is more anxiety I do not want to face head on right now. If anyone else is experiencing anything similar to this, I would like to know tips and techniques for helping to deal with it, please share them with me. Thank you for reading.

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Haven   

Lindsey, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mother unexpectedly this last December and I know what you mean when you say that the thoughts of future Holidays are terrifying. Christmas and New Years was horrible and now we have Easter coming up. I was so numb that I truthfully don't even remember Christmas. My circumstance is different from yours because although I am unmarried; not only am I a quite bit older than you but I have 4 siblings and my Father who at 85 lost his wife of 58 years. His health was not the best before my Mother died but since her death he has just shut down.My siblings just want to keep celebrating like we did in the past; same food, same decorations; same traditions. I would much rather prefer to quietly focus on doing something that I feel would make my Mom proud.In her honor. I have started keeping a journal and everyday I try to consciously and deliberately do something positive.These may not be earth shattering actions or thoughts. Some days it's as simple as complimenting someone on an outfit or picking up a piece of trash or holding in an unkind remark I want to make. The thing that makes this different from my everyday actions is the word deIiberate.I used to anonymously "adopt" a local kindergarten class and make up school packs & Halloween gift bags for them. I hope to do more things like this for the Holidays in the future if my grief and finances will allow. One thing that I have found in this dark journey of grief is that the people who I thought would be the most comfort and supportive to me aren't always there. I think that I scare them; they see something that they may one day have to face themselves. One of my Sisters is seeing a Doctor to help her with her grief. He has seemed to help her move forward. My Father is going to group grief counseling. The first group wasn't a fit for him but his second group seems to be helping him some. Please try to remember that everyone grieves differently. There is no right way or wrong way; there is no set time period. There is no just get over it and move on already. Lean on the people who offer you comfort and support. They have probably experienced the loss of a loved one and remember how lost and horrible it is. I am trying to not only surround myself with people who comfort me but also people who I hope I can comfort in some way. Sorry this is so long. Please be kind to yourself, take care of yourself.  Becky S

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Alauna84   

I found this site today using google also.  My mama passed away just 11 days ago.  I'm 32 years old and I'm an only child.  The pain feels unbearable.  Although my father is still alive, he has always just lived on the outskirts of my life.  My mama raised me as a single parent, it was always just the two of us.  I am divorced, and have children of my own, but I don't know if that makes this pain any easier.  It hurts to think of all the things she will not be present for.  My mama was my best friend.  I went to her for everything.  Her passing was so sudden and unexpected.  My aunts and uncle, my mama's siblings, have been supportive and have been there for me, but this was MY mother, and I feel lost.  Easter is coming, and all I can think of is how she's not here.  It makes me not want to participate in ANYTHING, but I feel like I can't distance myself from my family, my blood, her blood.  But the pain is still so raw.  It's like, I love my family, aunts/uncles/cousins, but SHE was my connection to them.  Often times if she didn't want to go to a family get together, her and I would just do something else, and vice versa.  The rest of life looks so bleak without her here.  The thing is, I always knew that if or when my mother passed away, that I would feel alone.  I was always scared of going through this alone.  And my family has been there, but yet I still feel alone.  I'm sorry I can't give you the words to ease your pain, for I can't even ease my own right now.  I just want to let you know that you are not alone in what you are going through, for I am here going through the same thing.  Maybe we can find comfort and healing talking to each other.  I'm desperate for someone who understands.

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Dayo008   

Hey Lindsey, 

Sorry for your loss. I can't say I understand exactly how you feel but I'll say I understand what pain is. It is difficult but know that it won't always be as intense as this. I lost my mom February 21, just two days after you lost yours. And I'm 22.. it means I'm gonna live my whole adult life without the one person that loved me unconditionally. Life is unfair, very unfair. 

Another painful thing is that at first, people are around you but barely a month later they think you should be okay. No, we're never okay. Losing a loved one doesn't go away. And mothers are at the peak of the pyramid but I know that we will be fine. We don't have a choice. We will.

You are not alone. 

Be safe.

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spatrick   

Lindsey,

I too am sorry for your loss. I lost both my parents last year. My mom passed just four months ago. My Dad passed ten months before her. I know how lost you feel. I still feel that way. I did join a grief support group at a local church. I didn't know anyone there. I fell apart when I told them my loss but they didn't judge me. They prayed for me. I urge you to find a support group. It's okay to express your feelings. You'll find that you're not alone. 

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Hi Lindsey, I understand how difficult it is for you, because my grief experience has been very difficult for me, too.  I also lost both my parents in late 2014, just two months apart.  I'm also an only child.  My mother had mental illness and so I was raised by my father after my parents divorced when I was five.  I also never married or had children, but my dad was all I needed to be happy. Now he's gone and I'm devastated.  The first six months were the worst, but I still cry at times and feel that terrible nostalgia whenever I see things he liked or would have liked, because I miss enjoying life together with him.   I can accept that people have to die and he's no longer suffering, but nothing could have prepared me for how empty my life feels without my beloved dad.  I have a partner now who helps me feel less lonely, but we are so different, whereas my dad and I were like two peas in a pod.   Toward the end of his life, I was more like the parent and my dad the child, but just having him to talk to and watch movies with made life worth living.  I'm not saying my life was wonderful before he died, but it seems wonderful compared to how I feel now.  I have tried grief support groups and several grief therapists, and I found them helpful to a point, but I felt that there wasn't enough time in each session for me to talk about all my feelings and memories, so I find online grief support forums more helpful, especially this one, because more people respond and are more caring than other groups.  I tend to go on and on, and in a forum, nobody is required to read my posts unless they want to, so I feel more free to write what I feel like writing.  In a live support group, there is only so much time for each person to speak, depending on the size of the group, but I still met some nice people in the groups I attended.  I think most people who are mourning their parents enough to seek help are good people, because we are sensitive and know how to genuinely love and care for other people.  I would have kept attending the live groups but the meeting places were too far away for me since I don't drive.  I sometimes got better therapy from the cab drivers who were driving me to my therapists' offices.   I think writing about how you feel is very therapeutic, also creating a sacred space in your home, such as an altar to your parents can help.  It doesn't have to be large.  Eating right, getting as much sleep as you can, exercising and not expecting too much from relatives and friends can help reduce the stress.  I know it's not easy when you have sleep problems, no appetite or too much, and no energy or motivation, but over time you should feel better.  The hardest part is accepting that our lives will never be the same without our parents, but they would want us to be happy and to live our lives the best we possibly can.  Try to make new friends who understand how you feel, if the ones you have aren't supportive enough.  This may require you to step outside of your comfort zone, but you might be surprised how many people do understand how we feel.  Everybody needs friends to lean on.  I hope that you will find this forum as helpful as I have.  Take care and God bless you.

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I, too, lost both of my parents. My dad died 6 years ago and mom died 2 weeks ago. Both died in the month of October. Everyone is telling me that it’ll get better. I do not really think that it will ever get better. I feel that I am an orphan now- no new memories, no nothing anymore. I am amazed how the world keeps turning and everything is unchanged, but for me, my life will never be the same again. I feel jealous of my friends who have both parents. Isn’t that horrible?! I would honestly give anything to have even one of my parents back. There are days I just sob all day and days where I just feel nauseous and numb. Can someone help me? I am an only child and have lost my world.

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