How Can I Best Help My Mom With the Loss of My Father?

[jrnyfan]

Where to begin?

My father passed away on September 29th. He and my mother had been married right at 45 years. They met when my mother was 19. She was from a small farm town, he from "the city." Throughout my life (I'm 39), my mother has made her house and her husband and kids (my brother and I) her entire life. When I was very young she had a couple of friends, but by the mid 80s she didn't talk to them often. My father kept her very well "protected." Anything she wanted done? He did it. Right away. They both worked very hard to make a living, neither of them having colleg educations. Mom stayed home when my brother and I were very young, but worked alongside my father at his furniture store in the late 80s, and since 1996, at another furniture store.

I came out to my parents when I was 21. It almost killed them. I was given the choice to live at home and be "normal" or I could move out and do whatever I wanted. I was living at home at the time trying to finish college - and seeing someone - so the choice was clear. I dropped out of college for 2 years and moved out and learned to support myself. Mom cried for 2 weeks straight. I tried to make it as easy on my parents as I could - they requested I not tell a soul. So I didn't. Not even my own brother - nor anyone else I cared about. That of course put a wedge between most family and friends of mine - because I couldn't ever be truthful about myself to them. My parents and I continued to talk - it wasn't like I was banished from the family. It was just never spoken of. It did certainly though change our relationship greatly.

My brother and I had "the conversation" around 2007 - he had known for a while, as I expected. We aren't close - I'm sure because I felt the need to distance myself from him since I couldn't talk about myself with him over the years. Still, we mostly get along. He had a child 2 years ago, and that made my Mom a very happy grandma.

In 2007, I bought a house with my partner (we've now been together 13 years). That "forced" my parents to meet him. I'll give kudos to them - since then, they've been fairly nice about things. He comes to Christmas, Thanksgiving - and they have treated him mostly with respect. We all live in the same town - so I'd call them almost daily (as my mother has preferred since I left home to go to college). I'd stop by once a week/2 weeks. I haven't particularly enjoyed spending time with either of them. My mother is a demanding woman, and her point of view is the ONLY correct one to have. Just today she was over at my house rattling off a list of things I need to do - from landscaping to decorating (my tastes don't matter - hers do). She tends to be very self-centered, though she's oblivious to it. My father would cater to every whim - which is why I think she's so far removed from the real world (ironically, she's always insisted I was the one living in "fantasy land").

Five years ago, Mom came down with some intense nerve pain in her face - and my father has been taking her to all kinds of different doctors trying to figure out what's going on. I've inherited that job and continue to try to do my best to find her some relief. Mom's watched all but one of her mother and 6 siblings die (along with her father, who died when she was just 11). She has one brother left, who's on Oxygen - and lives about an hour away. They don't converse a whole lot.

Dad had a heart attack in 1996 and scared Mom to death. He was a lifelong smoker and had a few stents keeping him alive. She came home from the grocery store on September 29th and found him unresponsive on the floor of the bathroom my brother and I shared growing up. Cardiac arrest. He as 65. I knew it was getting to be time to start worrying about these things (I've asked him numerous times in the last 2 years to talk about what would happen - would Mom be able to live alone? He insisted yes). In general, he (nor my mother) wanted to discuss it.

Her immediate reaction was to do EVERYTHING. I mean everything. She had his entire estate wrapped up within a month (thankfully, he had a lot of his final details lined up for us). She also immediately put my brother and I to work. We were remodeling the bathroom my father died in literally the day after he died. I was in shock and couldn't make heads or tails of what was happening around me - and the last thing I wanted to do was paint, caulk, and install electrical fixtures. We ran endless errands. I was totally exhausted within 24 hours. This went on for months - down to picking up individual leaves out of her yard because she couldn't stand not having a perfectly groomed yard.

In addition, she suddenly felt the need to tell just about everyone that I was gay. She outted me to most of my family and her neighbors - all without telling me. That alone would put me into shock - but try having that conversation with your aunt just a week after your father died.

My brother quickly illustrated that he wasn't going to be much help. Granted, he has a kid - and I later found out he and his wife had a miscarriage just a month before my father passed away. He has a lot on his plate. So, I've tried to bare the brunt of taking care of Mom. My brother is pregnant again, and has little time for Mom - he sees her maybe once a week.

So here I am, 6 months later. I go to her house every day after work, for about an hour (I have to get home to let my dog out). I'll easily spend 3 to 4 hours with her on weekends. If I don't go see her, she comes to visit me. My partner and I went under contract to buy a huge new house that needs a lot of work just weeks before Dad died. We moved in about a month after Dad's passing. In addition, I've had a job change in January. To say I'm spread thin is an understatement.

Mom's alone now. She's terrified of living alone. She went through a month where she couldn't feel safe. I installed door alarms, flood lights - everything I could to try to make her feel more safe. She has a childhood-rooted fear of thunderstorms and will leave her house to go walk around Wal-Mart during one so she isn't alone. We live in NC, where storms pop up almost daily in the spring and summer. I've managed to be with her during most of them so far - but I can't keep that up much longer. She has really no family - no friends. Just my brother and I. We've encouraged her daily to go to church - volunteer - find a new job - go out to lunch with a neighbor. She wants none of that. She only wants my brother and myself.

She's now lost her job due to her furniture store closing. She's also been diagnosed with chronic bronchitis, since she's a lifelong smoker too. I easily understand how sitting alone in her house is driving her crazy.

But there doesn't seem to be an answer to any of this. I text her 5 times a day, call 3 times - stop by after work and on weekends. And she still feels like I don't spend remotely enough time with her. I want to be there for her - but I'd like my life back, please! I've invited her to stay the night with me - and she always refuses. I spent many nights at her house between September and December to try to make her feel more comfortable. That alone was a traumatic experience for me - I hadn't slept in their house in 20 years.

She's gone to see a counselor 3 times now - but insists she isn't getting anything out of it. I tell her it takes a lot longer for that to work - but she doesn't hear a word I say (never has). I went to counseling myself a couple of times, trying to show her it was nothing to be afraid of.

Mom's only asked me 4 times since my father's death if I'm dealing with things ok. It's almost as if she's oblivious to the fact that my brother and I are also trying to grieve. It's true - I've barely thought about my father since the day he died - because I've been too busy trying to make sure my mother's ok. I fear that's going to come back and bite me in the future.

By Christmas the new house, my emotions, and my mother had got the best of me - people started telling me I wasn't looking good. I've tried to back off from Mom just a smudge. It's hard to go watch your Mom cry EVERY SINGLE DAY when I visit. She's loosened her reign on me just a touch - but no where near enough. I wish for things to go back to how they were - where I'd see her once a week or so. I don't think that will ever happen.

I'm at wits end at this point, as I simply don't know what to do to make things change. To get just a sliver of my life back. My partner has been tremendous through all this - but he's lost all patience with my mother's antics and neediness. I know for certain I don't want to ever lose him. But, I also have always had this ridiculous drive to make my parents happy. I had hoped to move to California when I was young - but chose not to - so I could remain near my parents, in case anything ever happened. I literally gave up my hopes and dreams simply to make my mother happy. I feel like now is that point when she needs me most, which makes it almost impossible for me to try to detach myself from her. I've only had 3 social events in the last 6 months where I got to see friends - I'm too busy spending time with my mother.

So, I welcome any comments or thoughts on how to best handle this situation. Any ideas on how to help my mother stand on her own - and for me to get a glimmer of hope that my life isn't over. I don't want to be doomed to be shackled to her until she dies (with her health issues, I can't imagine she's going to go as quickly as easily as my father did). I don't want her to visit me and do nothing but rattle off a list of what I'm doing wrong. I want to spend more than an hour with my partner on weekends. I want to know she's "ok" (not even happy, just ok!) more than anything else.

[jeeenah]

 I am so sorry for what you and your mom are going through. I'm going to give you the short answer. Having gone through the loss of both of my parents my mother at a very young age, lost my father-in-law with any year of my dad, lost my grandmother at 12 and my uncle too much later and I was close to both of them, and I just lost my ex-husband suddenly and tragically,  and we were planning on getting remarried. So the short of it is, and this is coming from a place of someone who is suffering a severe tecent terrible loss.   Just listen to her.    You will not force her to do anything she wants to do or believe your Waze no matter how right you think you are.    However, she has to get her own help you cannot save the world-- and I would suggest you might go to an Al-Anon meeting, or  some therapy yourself to learn  (which I am doing) also to that YOU can't fix it.  you can only fix yourself and the way you deal with it and put your boundaries up and you may need help doing that. It's a longer story than I'm able to type on here but I hope you're getting the gist of what I'm trying to help you with. Good luck in your endeavors --life can really hurt sometimes.   I wish you the best in coping and dealing with this trial and I hope that you will look out for your self and perhaps get yourself some help as well to gain strength in realizing what you can and cannot do For someone else.   Peace.