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Hello, I am 25 years old, I have a twin sister and our father is 53 and an Air force veteran.

Im not sure what all exactly to type here but if its okay ill just type everything that sums it up sorry if i ramble alot. I tried to shorten this the best way possible.

my mom and dad are divorced and have been since me and my sis were 9 or 10, but after a few years of bad mouthing each other i guess, they buried the hatchet and became friends and remained friends. my mom remarried and my dad stayed single.

When me and my sister were born my father was diagnosed with a brain tumor the size of a golf-ball and it would cause him to have grand mal seizures through the years. He was told he had six months to live at the time, but has survived for 25 years since his first diagnosis. He has had five brain operations in order to try and remove the tumor that kept growing back because of the 'roots'. When I was 17, in July of 2008 I believe he had his final surgery and all seemed well after I stayed at his house and watched him regain his speech and motor functions quite rapidly but one morning something was wrong, the night before he began to look like he had a black eye but he was seemingly fine until he didn't want to get out of bed the next morning, so me and my sis called his father who didn't live far away and he was able to rouse my dad and make him stand up. When he stood up he had a mass of blood swelling on the left side of his head that made it look as if he had been in a fight he had a black eye that was swollen shut and a lump on the side of his head at his temple. Since then everything has been a roller coaster of bull that was going downhill for him through the last few years. he has been in and out of care facilities like nursing homes or those places where the resident could go home for a few hours a day by shuttle bus where he could receive 24 hour care. Last year in the summertime 2015, my pawpaw asked me or my sis if we would mind staying at my dads house to help him and stuff and I didn't mind at all, so I went and all seemed fine until that evening around 2 am something woke me up he was out of bed trying to go to the bathroom and couldn't move. This went on for 3 days or so, back and fourth. I would have to wait until morning to get my pawpaw and a neighbor to help lift my dad but until then I would make a bed for him on the floor and try to make him comfortable, he wouldn't let me change his underwear or clean him up. I am 5ft 133 lbs and my dad is 5'8 ish 200 something lbs I couldn't lift him to save my life. He was getting progressively worse hour after hour and after a few back and fourth phone calls from my pawpaw to the VA a nurse came to visit and passed off my dad like everything was just peachy holding his hand asking if he was okay and speaking softly. The following day, two awesome nurses came over and did a full head to toe check on him but I was not allowed to be in the room, only his parents were, and I was told they had discovered that my dad, who had a biopsy a month or so before to check the tumor growth, the wound from the biopsy was covered with a medical patch that was to be changed daily by either a nurse or his mom who is elderly and it wasn't getting done every day - at the time I didnt know it was supposed to be every day- well it wasn't healing right, and left pencil sized hole in his head causing him to catch an infection that is eating his skull and tissue on the brain along with an ever growing tumor that is causing him to lose his basic functions

he is now bed ridden and unable to open his eyes, eat or speak this took a few months and the last few days he became comatose.

Me and my sister think very highly of our father, and mother. To see him like this breaks my heart into a million pieces, I feel so much regret that I didn't tell him I loved him enough or spent enough time with him since we chose to live with our mom when we were transitioning to high-school, I can still remember the look on his face when we were asked who we wanted to live with and I hesitated, my sister said "mom" and I wanted to stay with both because I love them the same and my dad was staring towards his feet and his expression is burned into my memory I wish I would have chosen him, maybe he would've been okay.

A few days ago he lost consciousness and couldn't eat, drink or speak. My pawpaw mentioned to me and my sis a few months ago to 'prepare' but I can't handle this, seeing my once proud father laying in a bed wearing an adult diaper, squirming from time to time like a baby it just makes me wanna scream.  i hate to compare him to that or belittle him by saying that, im not trying to.  im so lost i don't know what to do i feel so helpless and empty, i love him so much and people keep telling me to pray and i and think, pray for what? your stupid comments? It makes me so angry. this isnt fair he's so nice and doesn't deserve this at all. i havent ever cried this hard in my life i think i got the neighbors attention by accident when i was outside with my dog. i often go outside late at night on the nights that my dog has a late night potty break, and i just stare at the sky and living in the country you can see the stars pretty well. I just wonder and look up, i feel empty when i do not sure if im hoping to find something or what.

He doesn't have long. the doctor said maybe hours, or days. I got him to drink some water around 3 am since me and my mom stayed overnight to watch him, and this morning on March 17th 2016 I got him to eat some breakfast because he awoke from the fever and the comatose state but it's a small false sanctuary to see my dad open his eyes.

his eyes are glazed over now when he did open them and im not sure he can't see anymore. his left eye *the side of the tumor* is sunken in or swollen shut I cant really tell but it looks to me like his eyes are lazy now probably from the pressure? i don't know.

but me and my mom went home and swapped out with my sister who is staying there tonight so I can get some sleep my mom went back up there to help.

I feel so weird and sad that im going to lose one of the few people I love. i cant really put into words how i feel, i cant imagine how my mom & sis feels or his parents.

i would do almost anything just to hear one of his cheesy jokes again and to sit with him and watch any movie he likes, i hate the andy griffith show but id love to sit and watch it with him and hear him laugh at a punchline as if he hadn't heard it 100 times before, or to receive one of his bear hugs or to hear one of his ridiculous yawns as he crossed his arms for his afternoon nap because the race was too boring. I want him to get ready for a weekend fishing trip, he was always more of a fisherman than a hunter. He hated bow hunting, and believed in using every usable part of the animal when hunting or fishing, he was raised not to waste an animal that you kill. I want him to annoy me or my mom again out of fun, i just want him to be okay, i want my dad back, i want to see him walk through the door and give me his half grin. i want to go to lunch to that place where we ate classic burgers and fries, where they knew our table and names and drink choice, and hear him make his order of "a double cheeseburger with chilly, ketchup and mustard, and coleslaw."

i can hear his voice saying it in that pattern.

i already miss him so much it hurts

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Karenlene, I'm so sorry for what you are going through, your dad sure has had to deal with a lot. Nothing really prepares us for the inevitable, even though it is expected. I looked after my mum through lung cancer for nine months until she passed last July, and even though I knew  she was dying nothing prepared me for that moment it happened. I lost my best friend that day and I remember being in like a daze or shock for over a week. I could barely stand up without my knees buckling underneath me.

It's one of the most difficult things to watch and go through, but spend the little time you have left with him and say anything you need to tell him before time runs out. 

Hardly anyone posts here but there is loss of a parent you can come and talk ,share your fears, or just tell us how you are feeling. 

Lots of hugs

Lisa

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7 hours ago, Lisa k said:

Karenlene, I'm so sorry for what you are going through, your dad sure has had to deal with a lot. Nothing really prepares us for the inevitable, even though it is expected. I looked after my mum through lung cancer for nine months until she passed last July, and even though I knew  she was dying nothing prepared me for that moment it happened. I lost my best friend that day and I remember being in like a daze or shock for over a week. I could barely stand up without my knees buckling underneath me.

It's one of the most difficult things to watch and go through, but spend the little time you have left with him and say anything you need to tell him before time runs out. 

Hardly anyone posts here but there is loss of a parent you can come and talk ,share your fears, or just tell us how you are feeling. 

Lots of hugs

Lisa

Thank you very much

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Karenlene, 

I am so sorry to that you and you family are going through this. In this wicked world we have to deal with so many pains, problems and illnesses that is depressing. The bible does give us hope and comfort. At Revelation 21; 3,4 it tells us that God will soon wipe out every tear from our eyes and death will be no more, neither will pain or out cries be anymore. When you have time please read that acripture. Also there are a lot of bible based information found at jw.org that can also give you confirm and hope from the bible. I know dealing with severe illnesses is not easy. I pray that you and your family are coping and can all find some comfort at this time. 

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Hi, this seems slightly old post but you mentioned the same things I went through the month of June and the helpless was unbearable. I just got to know about anticipayory grief that happens during this time. I was miserable and devastated seeing my wonderful dad reduced to frail person barely able to eat or talk. I am not sure if I can console you enough but you are not alone . Take care.

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