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It's still not real to me. 

We've done the services, he's cremated and his death certificate came today. It's all "officially" taken care of. But, there's no way this is real. No way that he's gone. He can't be. 

Two weeks ago, the man whom I love with every fiber of my being committed suicide. It's especially difficult for me to wrap my brain around because I had no idea he was getting "worse" again. 

Here's some back story: almost exactly 4 years ago, he had a huge break and we then learned he was suffering from PTSD, severe depression and anxiety, along with what looked a lot like minor schizophrenia (due to a traumatic brain injury). He was 23 at the time. Hadn't even been "back home" for a year since leaving the Marine Corps when his enlistment period ended. We lived together for a year and a half following this incident. We struggled through the rollarcoaster together. Eventually, it took its toll on me. I was no longer helpful to him because I had become severely depressed and suicidal myself due to totally neglecting myself and my needs. So, as much as it hurt us both, I broke up with him. (With the full intention of getting back together once I was "ok" again.) .. Well, he said he had started to improve after we broke up; he found motivation, started to work out again, got healthier, even got a job! So, I took that as him needing to be alone. Although looking back, I think he meant it as "it's ok, you can come back now." So, I stayed away. Which was seriously the most difficult thing I had ever done. For two years he'd beg me to go back. And for 2 years I refused. Oh man, I can't even describe how desperately I wanted to go back; but not to his detriment. I refused to selfishly go back and only hinder his progress. 

I didn't know he wasn't actually getting better. He never told me. I feel like I shoulda known better. I shoulda been there. I truly feel like I failed him. Not only that, but I just spent 2.5 years dragging out the devastation and heart ache because I wouldn't go back. I unintentionally caused him pain up until his death. 

I don't know how to handle both the guilt, regret and self hatred that I've been struggling with for the past 2.5 years (that has now imploded with his death) nor the idea that he's gone. I'll never get to fix things. Never say I'm sorry. Never understand what lead to this. Never know why he didn't just reach out. I'm having a hard time accepting that this really is the way our story ends. 

I'm having a hard time knowing all this time he never stopped holding on for me - and I never stopped fighting for HIM ... We shoulda been fighting together, rather than apart. He should still be here. 


Its also hard hard to understand how this happened. I know how awful it was - I'm the only person that ever lived with him, so I'm the one who was "closest" to it as an outsider could be. I know a lot of what he battled. I watched him struggle some days just to get out of bed. 

I wish we could just go back. 

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I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. No one knows how painful surviving a loved ones suicide is until they experience it themselves. It is an absolute nightmare. You are never the same and never will be. You are right, the guilt we feel is tremendous. But please know that it was not your fault. It is a fault within themselves. Please know that it will take a very long time to begin to heal. Be kind and patient with yourself. Your nerves and emotions have been shattered into a million pieces. It's okay to be good to yourself. Cry alot, pray alot, talk alot about it and get it off your chest, keep busy, and think positive. Know that he completed his mission here on earth and has now gone home so that God can love him and keep him safe now. Your mission is not yet complete. Think how strong you have been, think how compassionate you are to others in pain now. Your loved one would want you to go on with life and enjoy it to the fullest and celebrate their lives by helping others. I pray that God will bless you, give you comfort, peace and strength. Know that you are not alone. Please feel free to contact me anytime. Sherry.

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