Members Polly1 Posted March 9, 2016 Members Report Share Posted March 9, 2016 Hi, I have been following this forum for the past 3 weeks. I lost my beloved father to a hard fight with cancer 30 days ago. I came here looking for hope, understanding and because I was and still am completely lost. I see that you all suffer the loss of your loved one as much as I do and it gives some comfort to me knowing that I am not alone in this horrible new life I have. There are literally no words. I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions and today I am just numb. But theres one thing that's starting to get at me over the past few days. It's the absolute selfishness and insensitivity of some people. Here's a few examples from 3 different people. Person 1. (1 week after his death) "Hi how are you" "Not so good, I lost my father last week" "Oh how old was he?" "69" "Oh well it's not like you lost a child or anything"........... Person 2. (2 weeks after his death) "Hi" "Hello" "Have you got over your Dad yet?".......... Person 3. (One of my very good friends, I was her chief bridesmaid) She heard about my Dad's death the day it happened. Until yesterday I received NO phone call, NO text message, NO knock on the door, NO card and NO private message.NOTHING. The only reason she contacted me was because she wanted payment from me to attend her birthday night out in a few weeks. My whole world was turned upside down and I received support from friends I haven't seen for years and from people I'm not really that friendly with. I'm really starting to get angry and resentful but then I try to tell myself that it was my world that fell apart and not theirs Anyway I just wanted to vent a little Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jeeenah Posted March 10, 2016 Members Report Share Posted March 10, 2016 So very sorry for your loss. I too, lost my father at 67 years old back in 2004. I just lost the love of my life on January 29 unexpectedly. I lost my mother at 22 years old she was 47. I lost my dear friend in 2007 in a helicopter crash. Lost all my grandparents and my sweet grandmother at a very early age which was devastating. I do understand your grief. I also understand the people and the stupid things they say-- I too, have had the most insensitive things said to me about my beloved Kevin. Who just passed. One person seven days later said that I am dwelling on it . Another person said, you talk about it morning noon and night but you say you want to heal. Same here, no calls no messages from any of my extended family except my aunt and uncle. I am very sorry for your suffering, I know how painful the loss can be. And I realize the insensitivity of others makes it even worse. I am seeking counseling for the death of my Kevin, and I went through it with my dad also. In fact I have old posts on here from his death. I would highly recommend that you get into some kind of grief counseling perhaps at the funeral home or your church. It really does help to talk to others that can relate Some people just don't know what to say, but to that I say, you must have to be an idiot not to know that the thing you were saying is insensitive. And the things people have said to you are ridiculous. Most likely they are people that maybe have never suffered loss. Although even some of the people that have said the stupid things to me have suffered loss so I'm not sure if they just lost their marbles for a minute or what. Facing the pain of your loss shows them the fragility of life. And that is hard for some people to face. It's easier for them to brush it under the rug and wish you well, that way they don't have to think about how fragile life really is and that they could lose someone also My counselor told me to only talk about this in a safe environment and to people that I feel safe with their responses. Which makes sense. I'm just the kind of person that needs to air everything in order to process it. I hope you find some peace and people that you are able to talk to you. I am very sorry you are suffering not only the loss but the ignorant people on top of it. Wishing you healing I know how difficult it is Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MayFGL Posted March 10, 2016 Members Report Share Posted March 10, 2016 Polly and Jeeenah: Welcome! I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is the hardest thing ever to experience. I lost my mom to a massive stroke on 3/13/15. My one year anniversary is just around the corner. It's just so aweful when people say such insensitive things. I certainly had my share. Two months after my mom passed, my best friend texted me to get rid of my mom's belonging, change the room's curtains and get rid of anything that reminds me of my mom. I was so upset. I didn't respond to her text. When her mom passed away, I was right beside her though thick and thin. When she's happy, I'm happy. When she's sad, I'm sad. I even told her to let it out and take all the time she needs to mourn. People who are insensitive probably has never experienced what we experienced---the relationship, the love and compassion of our parent(s). I find it weird that I never received not one call from my friends after my mom passed. That's okay! Who needs them! Polly and Jeeenah I'm so glad that you are here. This is an awesome place where we all are understanding. We don't judge. You can post anything you want and vent, too. Unfortunately, everyone here is a member of a club that we wished we weren't in. Love and Hugs May Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marivdb Posted March 10, 2016 Members Report Share Posted March 10, 2016 I'm sorry you experienced that. It's not uncommon unfortunately. I personally have chosen to not take offense at the ignorance of those who haven't been where I am now... I know they just don't get it. I'm somewhere else and they'll not get it till they're there themselves if they ever are. Not everyone does grieve the same. My mom didn't I know. I know I personally was less than understanding with my sister-in-law when she lost her mom a few years back and still grieves her. I didn't understand. So knowing what I know about my own ignorance, I can be a little more gracious toward those around me...... But that's just how I feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Polly1 Posted March 13, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted March 13, 2016 Thanks for your replies. I'm sorry you all experienced the same as me. Marivdb you make a good point, they don't get it. I'm somewhere that they are not. I too could never have comprehended what grief actually felt like. I'm not even able to put it into words as I'm sure you all understand...and it changes from day to day. Most days I am so sad and teary and unable to concentrate and I no longer care about anyone or anything except my family. There is no joy anymore in anything. Then 2 days ago I was so very angry, angry at why he had to die, angry at what the cancer did to him. He was a shadow of the man he used to be. Angry at how it ripped away his pride and his dignity and his independance. I had to watch it all happen and there was nothing I nor anyone could do. He was scared and he did not want to go. He was a loving caring hardworking man. He was my friend and he did not deserve to suffer the way he did. I can't stop thinking back at how sick he became and he tried his best to fight. It rips me apart. I miss him so very very much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marivdb Posted March 15, 2016 Members Report Share Posted March 15, 2016 I ride that same rollercoaster. The anger is the hardest emotion for me. I think we all have been on it from time to time.....this is a good place...come here and vent with us. We tend to hang out in the daily thread up at the top... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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