Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Sign in to follow this  
AlisonLK

Lost my boyfriend and can't seem to move on

Recommended Posts

AlisonLK   

I lost my boyfriend to suicide a year and a half ago and I know that is not a long time ago but I'm so tired of feeling this pain 24/7. Iv healed in some ways but not in other I feel. A day doesn't go by where I don't think about him or replay the night he died over and over in my head and I'm tired and exhausted by all of it. I also am only 19 and had to deal with all of this at the age of 17. I have never posted before and I'm not really even sure what I'm doing but no one really understands I guess unless they have experienced suicide themselves. I just want to be able to get advice and share stories so I don't feel so alone. Not many young adults my age have dealt with anything like this so I feel like I'm on my own island half the time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Alison, I am so very sorry for the loss of  your boyfriend. My heart hurts for you. It is definitely a situation I never dreamed I would be in or any of us imagined. I hope you have had the opportunity to read some of my replies to other survivors. It certainly is a feeling that no one could possibly imagine unless they have experienced it.

 

Death through illness or accident is always tragic and the loved ones mourn and grieve, but it is a death that they did not chose and they did not chose to leave their loved ones behind. Suicide leaves the loved ones behind with so many unanswered questions and a tremendous amount of guilt. Why did they chose to leave me? What did I do wrong? Did I say something wrong? Did I not tell them I loved them enough? Was I not there enough for them? What were they thinking? Even when they do leave notes, there are still so many unanswered questions.

 

My daughter and I found my Mother in her home after she had shot herself. It was a nightmare and an image that never goes away. Even though she left notes to everyone and even the clothes she wanted to be buried in, it was something I never imaged my Mom would do. I cried until I couldn't breath everyday for a solid year. I would totally be exhausted after crying.  It has been three years now, but I still think of it everyday and still cry often. My daughter had a breakdown (they shared the same birthday) and she is just now starting to smile and laugh again. Everyone grieves and heals at different rates, so don't feel it is unusual for you to still be grieving. You probably always will. We have been traumatized and we will never be the same. We will never look at life the same or people the same. We never know what people are thinking or if we will see them again the next day. I found the things that helped me tremendously was prayer, crying, working, keeping busy, getting out of the house, exercise, reaching out and helping others, whether helping with animals or older people or people experiencing the same issue, and of course, talking about it. I probably drove my co-workers and friends crazy talking about it. But they were wonderful and let me talk and cry. Even though most people never experience this type of tragedy, I found I was not alone. Like this website, we are not alone.

 

Realize that this was not your fault. Those that chose this ending, have trouble coping. Whether they were born with a chemical imbalance, depression, drug or alcohol induced, medicine reactions, whatever the issue, they could not cope and take the pain anymore. There are millions of people that can deal with depression, stress, problems and they never take their lives. But, our loved ones had such a deep pain that they were tired of dealing with it. I prayed every night that God would watch over and protect my Mom and at first I was angry because i felt God did not answer my prayers and watch over her. But, I finally realized that if she was dealing with a pain we did not see or realize, then maybe God answered her prayers to be pain free instead of mine. Maybe by taking her home with him to be pain free was a prayer answered. I know she is pain free and safe with him.

 

As I said, we will never be the same. I had trouble for a long time on focusing. My mind wandered and I honestly just wanted to withdraw into my own brain and not deal with anything. That's okay. Your nerves have been shattered into a million pieces and it takes time to heal. We will never be able to put the pieces back together and we have to find a new norm, new dreams, new beginnings. We will mourn for the past and the way things were but that is the thing about life. It is constantly changing and we have to adapt to those changes even when we don't want to. I saw a program once on people that have lived to be over 100 years old and the interviewer was asking what was their secret. It wasn't what they ate, or if they exercised or not. The common link was the ability to survive loss, to pick themselves up and go on and to keep active.

 

So, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and get on with our lives and our journey. Our loved ones had completed their journey's and mission in life, so we must too complete ours. Also, I don't think our loved ones had a clue what this would do to us. They just wanted to end the pain. So, be good to yourself. It's okay to go to your happy place often, It's okay to take time to heal. Go on honoring their memory by living life to the fullest. He would want you to be good to yourself, to enjoy life, to fall in love again, to have a family and to grow to be an old lady with good memories as well. I know you miss him and you will always grieve for him. But it's okay to go on. Know that while they are not here physically, they have gone on to their next journey in their lives and they will still be watching over us. We will see them again one day.

 

Look how strong you have been. You are stronger than you ever thought you could be. Diamonds become beautiful by being cut and polished, beautiful metal works endure fire and hammering. So you too develop a strong, beautiful character by pain and heartache. I have found the lessons we remember is always through pain. Wisdom is healed pain.

 

Alison, I pray that you will find peace. It may take a long time, but you will. This is one chapter in the story of your life. You have already started your journey with much more compassion than most people will ever achieve. I will be thinking of you and praying for you. Please know that you are not alone. Feel free to contact me anytime. God bless you sweetheart. Sincerely, Sherry

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
malex29   

I lost my boyfriend too. I was two months pregnant with his daughter and we got into an argument. For awhile I couldn't talk about it. I had so much hate and anger alongside with guilt. My family never asked me about it and neither did my friends. I felt like I was a black sheep. It's been three years and it hasn't gotten easier. My daughter is almost three and his family is distant because I think they think I had something to do with it. Talking about it to people has helped me and I've been in a relationship with a humble minded man who understands the pain I go through. You can't fix your hurt but you can talk about it and just let your feelings be known. Some days will be better than others but being positive about the times you had will help.

 

keep smiling and be understanding of the pain he went through and realize what you guys had. 

 

Good of luck I wish you the best.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Sign in to follow this  

×