It's been almost a year...

[Talon.r]

Hello every body.

I just joined, and I hope maybe I can find some people who can relate (that sounds horrible. I wish this on no one... I just need a.. friend?).

I (was) a single father, raising my boy with full custody. On the night of April 23rd, 2015, 9 year old son was especially clingy. This wasn't out of the ordinary. He was a very loving child, an amazing boy... he liked to be close, in the same room, to cuddle. He wanted to sleep in my bed with me. He was crying, said he didn't feel good and he wanted in my bed. I said no.. I told him to sleep in his own bed... I sent him to his own bed. I had no idea, though I should have seen the signs...

He had seizures commonly. He had epilepsy, caused by brain damage that occurred while he was in his mother's care... he had always been okay though. Though every time was scary. He would feel "weird", become clingy, then he would seize for a few minutes, then he would vomit, cry, sleep, then eat.

The seizures were getting progressively worse. I had taken him to the hospital multiple times for EEGs. But never got an answer, or a "fix." He was on daily medication.

That night, he seized while I slept. I had no idea. No "gut feelings", I thought I should have... I hate myself for having not known...

In the morning, I left for work. I didn't wake him. My sister was home, he could sleep in. I didn't give him a good bye kiss or anything.

A couple hours later, I got a call from my sister... he wouldn't wake up. She was taking him to the ER. I rushed out of work and rushed to the ER.

I spent the rest of the day at the ER. He was unconscious. Time just crawled... they finally woke him up, but he immediately started seizing again. They put him into a coma... where his brain stopped working... the doctors couldn't do their fucking jobs.

Idk about that whole time heals ****. Things seem to be getting worse. The holidays were damn near impossible. I don't know how I'm alive after them... and rolling over into a new year? All I can think about is how the last time I saw the most important person in my life... Its a whole new (numerical) year since.. and april? Why is it rushing to get here?

I think about him all day. I'm doing horrible at work, my boss is threatening fire. I'm not getting things done, I have no motivation. I moved to a home without an empty room... but I'm so lonely. Im trying to remind myself of the people who are worth living for. And those people have been so supportive but... they just can't understand (and I'm glad they can't.)

I don't know what I want people to say to me. I don't want pitty, or sorries... but I need... something.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me...

[XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX]

HimTalon ~

I was so so sorry to hear of the loss of your dear son.

And it's ONLy been a year ?

Hardly enough time for the total heart breaking soul numbing grief that goes with the loss of a dear child.

By everything you shared I want you to know it is a perfectly normal human response and it is what I, who have experienced the loss of two sons, one to a motorcycle accident & one to suicide ~ call the 'outa your mind with grief stage ~ and for me the second year is worse / harder than the first because it is more real ~ if that makes any sense .

And as you said, I have no idea how I have survived my own losses ~

And Time does not heal ~ if it does anything it maybe lessens the total tramma of it all ~ and this takes time and each individual is

different ~

And no one, except ones who themselves have lost a child has a clue the totality of the loss of a child.

And like you said,,,I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Although there are precious few who can do know how to show the kinda comfort one who is be argued who have not lost a child .

To me they are Angels in disguise, and are just gifted in that way.

Anyway ~

Working thru grief takes time, more time than anyone thinks or wants it to..

For me the statement of fact is that one never 'gets over, or even really has closure, whatever that means,,,but one chooses to find a way to continue to live without their loved one here on earth with them..

Please seek out whatever YOU need to survive,,you are worth it.

There are many like you who have walked this road before you..

One day,,,some day,,you will feel different,,,

For me , as time marched on,,,

These are some of the markers that I saw & realized alone this lonely road ~

The first was I thought,,at the three year mark of the death of my first son...

Maybe I am going to survive & then at the 5 year mark it was not as hard...

Do not get me wrong,,

I miss my sons more, not less as time goes on but now the good memories are much more predominate that all the what ifs, I wish this or that, I should done or not done this or that ect...and all the magical thinking.

I still feel the sorrow & pain of the loss at times, but spending time in the deep sorrow is not helpfull now..

Anyway,

Each of us have to find our way thru the pain,,,

And you will make it,,,

Please remember all the feeling, even the anger, the wanting to give up...really are just about wanting to get away from the pain..

I care, keep coming here, talk therapy in a safe place is helpfull.

Everyone who find their way here care too..

It was a suicide grief web site that saved my life,,they said all the things I needed to hear,,,and slowly, but surely, I came to the point where I, too can come along side others and maybe help them along this hard road too.

RAiNie

[Talon.r]

Thank you Rainie Kindly for reading and taking the time to respond. Yes, that makes perfect sense... the pain just seems to be getting more real.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dear Talon.....I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your SONshine boy.....I lost my son....he was 42 in 2012.....and yes....all the parents on this site do know how heavy this kind of grief is....how dark the days....and the 'pain' is really physical....please go to the site called..'Loss of Adult Child'......there are many active parents on that site that will be there for you.....it doesn't matter if your child died in the womb....or lived 2 hours....or 2 days...or 50 years....they are still our child. Your grief journey will be as unique as your child is unique.....but we can join our hearts and hands with care and consideration and you will find many walk in the same footsteps....you do not have to go this alone....I find healing on this site in knowing others have survived this grief....this site helps me every day. I do not have a circle of friends around me that has lost a child...and I so need this kind of understanding to help me go one day at a time. Peace to you.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Talon and Raine, I too extend an invitation to join the regular thread in the Loss of Adult Child.

 

Talon, it is very early in your grief...take your time and everything that Raine said, I think she said so well. Hugs.

[XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX]

Jesse & Talon ~

Thank you for your kind words and letting me know that my words were right on & even helpful...

& Mermaid tears ~ like you ~ I have no one I can turn to when I need to talk my words / feelings out regarding my loss of my child .

I looked all over for a while to find a place as this ~

When I found this group & signed up I was not even sure I did it right..

It's been a long time since I have been able to anyone about losing my sons.

What drew me to this place was how ones who are beyond the early stage of their grieve, if they are willing to connect & come alongside the newly beaerved ~ say so...

That is what saved my life ~ sanity in my initial loss ~ a web sight helped me when I reached out to them and the people let me know that what I was going thru was perfectly normal for the loss I experienced...

And the people let me say all my words and cry my tears feel all the emotions ~ for as long as I needed too ~ and then, and I know not how ~ one day I , too could say words that helped me along this way to others ~

RAiNie

[Everly]

.

[Talon.r]

Hi Eve. Thank you for your kind response. I'm so sorry for your losses as well. I hope this site will give me something. Idk what but, something...

Tonight's another tough night. Not that there's any one easy ones. Some nights my head is filled with his laughter, some nights I relive that night... I want to feel alive again...

[jprcox]

Im new to these forums (in fact first post i've read).  I feel very similar to you though - grief mixed with self-blame and the two put together make things almost unbearable.

My wife has MS, and had a particularly bad time one night that led her to an ER visit.  The next morning I had an appointment with a client at their home (i worked from home often).  I messaged my wife's parents for help that night, and they said they would try to make it to our house ASAP.  My wife got home from the hospital in the early AM, and she fell asleep while I watched our 2 boys (ages 1 and 4). 

She woke up before I was to leave, and I felt like she wasn't fully capable of watching our boys while I was away - even though it was for only 1-2hrs.  I told her to call a babysitter who we had on stand-by (in fact, had spoken to our babysitters father who said his daughter coming over to help was fully workable that morning if we needed).  The problem was I didn't think my wife was so "out-of-it" she couldn't call the babysitter....so I left having her repeat the fact she would immediately call the babysitter and I knew my wife's parents were on the way to the house too.

It was at that point I made the worst decision i've ever made.  I decided to leave thinking everything was going to come together and the babysitter would be there in a few min.  However, my wife ended up passing out on-top of our youngest son and he died.  I came home later not understanding where our babysitter was, or where her parents were - and having to try and revive our 1 year old.  I can't tell you how dark this remembrance is for me, but my wife was too "out-of-it" to make a simple call and it was me who left without making sure everything was fully dealt with.

As I go through life and something happens that seems "enjoyable" to me, I stop myself from the enjoyment and remember my son won't be around to do these things - almost in a way of self-punishment.  The grief is overwhelming at certain times, and the guilt mixed in makes it exponentially worse.

I can't offer you any encouraging words, but I can relate.  I replay those small series of events and decisions in mind all the time wishing to have them over to do.