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I don't think I can keep on anymore


Staci/lost

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It's been 11 1/2 months since my 30 yr old husband died in a tragic auto accident and was hit by a semi that was speeding in a dangerous zone that was marked clearly but getting his hogs to wherever for Tyson to get meat on the shelves took my best friend my soul mate my lover my protector a father a son a teacher a list of awe so many things he was but see he was taken 12 days before our anniversary 25 days before my 39 birthday 36 days before his 31st birthday 49 days before his sons birthday. We had a blended family that consisted of my son 14 whom my love was 2 months away from adopting his oldest son 10 yrs old that called me mom since day I married his father his youngest son 6 yrs old and his daughter 5 yrs old. He had always had custody of his oldest and we had been given custody of his youngest 2 about 3 yrs earlier due to horrific abuse and they knew me as mom and protector I loved all the children as they were my own. But see after losing my husband January 2nd I lost his oldest January 4th and the mother of youngest files in court and as if she had never done anything wrong even without seeing children in 18 months a judge gavee 3 last days with them and I had to hand them over to her because I wasn't blood yet I was all they knew in a motherly sense. Dhs had even been involved yet there was nothing I could do so there's four loses and here about a month ago my 14 yr old decided he wanted to go live with his grandmother because I'm always sad and we have lost our house lost our new car and everything we knew as our lives. I'm on medication and have been diagnosed with adjustment disorder explosive disorder and bipolar disorder so there are days I don't even remember I don't sleep well I'm in a daze and I beg God to take me everyday. I have no purpose in this world because I have no one to care for and no one that needs me. These holidays are really getting me I was a big decorator cooked all the big dinners all the family came to our house now it's just all silent and no one to cAre for. As each day goes by it does not get better it gets worse and worse. I scream I cry I beg sometimes I just get in my car drive fast as I can and scream for God to take me too because all I think of is being with him and feeling no hurt anymore. This pain is more than I can bare especially thinking about this time last year was the last few months with him and we had no idea. He was such a good man. Everyone knew him. He cared so much for his family and loved and believed in his job. We even coached baseball tee all and soccer. No games no date nights no flowers or cards for no reason just a photo book of photos and pictures of him laying still in a silver casket with a beautiful quilt made by me and the anguished faces of my children looking towards him with their hand on his cold face. I can't even dream of him and I beg him everyday to visit me. Please God show me a reason to stay!

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I am so very sorry about the loss of your husband. Staci, you need to talk to a professional and get some counseling on how to deal with your loss, the tears in your family and the family you have left. There are plenty of reasons to keep going. What would he say to you? 

 

It's going to take a while to get through this. You can do it, though. 

 

WE will be with you,

ModKonnie

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Miriamhuerta60

Your family is a reason to stay. God has a plan for you. Your angel will be waiting for you in heaven but when it is your time. Stay strong pray. Find something in your life to help you. Workout, read, anything to clear your mind and be more positive. Always have hope even when you feel there's nothing left there always is!!

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Ha well I've seen a psychiatrist since a month after it happened and in the last 3 months I have alienated the last of the family I have and my mom is even trying to evict me from my house because my anger and the has made her mad and she has a lot of anger herself and a person that must have complete control and you must act a certain way especially in the community and church and she feels I am losing it and is very mad I am mad at God and refuse to go to church or well pretty much anywhere else for that matter only when I have to do I leaves house. To be honest an x bf that wasy bf right before I met my husband well he goes to the store and even gets my meds and anything else I need. I have developed this ocd thing where when I get up I must Clem clean and clean. Can't sit till late t night Andy fingers are numb and painful and I need surgery on my neck to fix them so I won't realize that my fingers are the up by chemicals and swollen to where it looks as though my skin will bust when I shower I talk **** to myself and tell myself how ugly and disgusting and worthless I am and hit myself this has all started since my mom came and took my son without me knowing and I haven't seen him in 2 months and now she won't even acknowledge my calls or texts to speak with him he's 14 and we were very close and I was nothing like this until she said she was gonna teach me a lesson and since I was robbing her of a daughter because I don't believe in god no more she would robe of my son I even called police but she told them I was crazy and was abusing my son and theyade me leave him there and they were contacting dhs and of course I lost my temper and screamed t them so I looked crazy but they don't understand why she has done to me breaking iny house screaming at me threatening me taking bill money which is most of my deth benefit from social security then next step when I say I won't sign my son over she brings me eviction notice in which the house was bought for me and we used our business name and the name is a letter of all our first name so I dunno how she can but she is rich and looks so nice and calm and sys how crazy I am which makes me so mad knowing all the evil crazy stuff she is doing I just can't take anymore I just keep chickening out cause I don't know if you go to a different place if you loll yourself but I have no one lost my family's home now about to be homeless in 15 days according to eviction letter and no money because she accepted it as house payment buying her out and bills so I have nothing I just wished one of the times I have to leve my house I would lose control and fly into a tree I try it all the time I'm sure at 100 on tiny highways hitting a tree would kill me I beg for it I won't be on the streets because I couldn't care for my dogs I guess I'm going to find good homes I hope very soon and I have a counselor that comes to the house but it seems I listen to more her problems I barely get a word in edge wise lol but that's what I deserve because I am about the shittiest disgusting ugly worthless person and this world has no use for me my only hope for happiness is with my husband who made me beautiful full of life and protected me I owe him to come be with him. I need him and might be needing me no one here does

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Sorry for missing letters and wrong words my thumbs are ver swollen and hits back space instead m and I never watch the spell check see told ya I am idiot and just plain stupid and stupid sounding

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Staci,

 

There is a 24/7 support line that you can call for support.  The number is 1 800 273-TALK (8255).  This is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, but you do not need to be suicidal to call.  The number is staffed by caring professionals.  Please reach out for support.  God bless you, Staci.

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Love Lives On

Dear Staci, 

 

I just want to start by saying that I am incredibly sorry for the loss of your husband, your partner in life and your very best friend. I know that things might seem absolutely dark and hopeless right now but I promise you...things will get better. Time will never completely heal the pain of the loss of your beloved husband, that loss will stay with you every day, but the way that you are able to manage that pain will get better with time. 

 

Those beautiful kids, they are the reason to keep going, to keep trying your best every single day because they are depending on you. Even though not all of them are not in your care at the moment, you are still their mom and they need you, now more than ever. 

 

When things seem most dark, think of them, and the love you have for them will push you along, it will get better. Sending you strength and love. 

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