Members MyShatteredHeart Posted October 24, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2015 My sister was diagnosed with congestive heart failure earlier this year. A few days before she passed she wasn't feeling well, and the day off she was laying in bed, sleeping mostly. She wasn't responding to me when I called her name, but she was moving around and sleeping. My mom said she'd call a relative to take her to the hospital in the morning, she got it in her mind she was just sleeping and resting. I should have called the 911 right then, but obviously let my mom influence me and we were both idiots and waited to late. She was gone in the night. Obviously, I let her die--or we let her die-- and I am filled with regret more than any other emotion. Even sadness. Regret is overwhelming everything. I wake up at night wailing and get up pacing going 'why did I do that?" The coulda, woulda, shoulda is going to haunt me forever and forever. I don't think I'm suicidal, but I have had many thoughts of wanting to just not wake up or stab myself in the brain to just end these thoughts. I am seeking counseling, I don't know that will do. I'm hoping it will help me sort and process my grief and regret into something I can sorta deal with. I just don't know. How do you live when you know you were of no help to someone who you loved more than anything and in the end they were depending on you because they couldn't help themselves? I was just so stupid and it's all on me. I could have saved her life and I didn't. I could have at least given her a chance. I asked her if she wanted to call her doctor and she said 'she's just going to tell me to go the hospital' and that's where she needed to be. She didn't want to go back to the hospital, she had spent about 4 days there a few months earlier and couldn't wait to get out. But the final decision should have been mine to call 911 when she couldnt' make that decision and I failed her and it's killing me. I can't handle my stupid, fatal mistake. I don't know what to do with myself. I just keep thinking about it over and over and over and over. 'Why didn't you call sooner???????" We were always together, did everything together. We were very, very close and I was looking to buy a car mainly so we could run around shopping, especially during the holidays, our favorite time of the year. Now, it's almost no point in having a car. I don't even want to go out and do anything anymore. She was the shopper, I went along to hang out and shop too, but she was a great bargain hunter and we couldnt' wait for me to finally get a car so we could shop and do other errends much easier. I keep thinking that we didn't get the chance for that fun, but he tooling around city in a car finally. All her favorite shows are starting. We watch most of the same shows, so watching them without her is hearbreaking. I keep thinking 'man, she's going to miss what happens on the "Leftovers" and "Game of Thrones" I can hardly concentrate on the shows now. I just don't know how I'm going to cope. It's just me and my ma now and my sister was my backbone. She'd always tell me what to do, help me out, give me advice. She always knew what to do or how to figure it out. I went to her for EVERYTHING. I mean EVERYTHING and she'd help me and took care of me. Losing that is more than I can bear. I don't know if anyone here can understand this, as most people here lost people suddenly or to illiness. Not because they were idiots like me and did nothing to help their siblings. That's why it's so hard. It's like she could just be in the hospital now, especially when she was still talking to me. It got worse and worse and we just waited, thinking she was going to get better becausue she was going up and down, and we were just stupid, stupid, stupid. That's going to kill me. I don't know what to do with that pain and regret and anger at myself. What do I do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JC2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 25, 2015 Oh dear, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the hole in your heart. As my pain is so new too, I don't know what to say that would be comforting. I'm worried about how much responsibility you are shouldering. You are in so much pain and she sounds like everything a big sister should be and you are missing her terribly. I'm sure your mom is also feeling the same way, the what ifs will make you both crazy. You have to stop blaming yourself, you have to go on and be everything she wanted for you. I know, easy for me to say... I hope you find some peace and beauty and a way to keep her with you in your heart. Take care of yourself, please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members heartbrokensister Posted October 25, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 25, 2015 Hello, I am so sorry for your loss. I can say your sister's death was not your fault, and I hope on some level you understand that too. I also completely understand your feelings of regret and wishing you had acted differently. Although our situations are different, I am also feeling a lot of guilt about my little brother's death two months ago. One thing I've learned from this site and from other grief resources (especially the Compassionate Friends website, so many resources there) is that these feelings are completely normal and come up in every case, no matter what the actual story is. Although grief is such a deeply personal experience I think there are universals that can help us understand better our intimate feelings and our suffering-- universals such as the feelings of deep sorrow, guilt, regret, fear, anxiety, and so on. You mentioned that you were seeking counseling--I think this is so important..urgent, even. Go with an open mind , you won't know whether it will be useful until you try and it sounds like you are in a desperate place. Anything would be better than the searing pain it sounds like you are in. Thank you for sharing and I hope you continue to post here if it gives you any comfort at all! Love and healing to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MyShatteredHeart Posted November 5, 2015 Author Members Report Share Posted November 5, 2015 Thank you all. I did find a therapist. I feel like I'm suffocating without her. It's So very hard sometimes. She's constantly on my mind. It's unbearable to suffer so much mentally. I dont think I will ever get past this pain. It's torture. I am so lonely Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissSam Posted March 17, 2016 Members Report Share Posted March 17, 2016 I lost my sister to congestive heart failure as well. There is no cure for it. There's nothing that the hospital could have done even if she had gone in. I know so because my sister was in the hospital for it and they told us there was nothing left they could do. So even if you had taken her to the hospital, the end result would have been the same. Therefore you don't need to feel any guilt because of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Renae07 Posted March 29, 2016 Members Report Share Posted March 29, 2016 Hi, I am not sure if you will still receive this post or not. I just read your post, and was heart broken for you. I am wondering if you are doing okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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