Mental Illness

[JC2015]

My 48 year old brother died last Wednesday. He had struggled for years and was having delusions and scaring my parents, or terrorizing them, at night walking around the house with a flash light, talking to people who weren't there. Last week he snapped and started saying he was going to kill them, my dad called 911, and as he was on the phone telling them to hurry, my brother broke down the door and came at my dad. My dad felt he had no choice but to defend himself and my mom and shot him. I can't even imagine how my dad is coping, he is crying all the time. My mom is praying all the time and oddly not crying. I am in shock by the violence of it all. My brother and I have not been close really ever. I am married with two kids and a great husband and have for lots of reasons kept my parents and brother at a distance. Now everything has changed and I'm feeling pressure to "step up" and be there for my parents. I know that my dad's burden is the hardest. I haven't told very many people, because its just too grotesque. I think once you start talking about mental illness, people assume suicide, but the actual cause of death is so much worse than that. If I can't talk about it, and we haven't told my kids, then how can I heal? My mom even suggested I NOT tell my in-laws the true COD. My mom's worried about me ? my kids? getting hurt by the information if it came out. I can't be vague to save my life. What do I do?

[raemarie11]

I am so sorry for your tragic loss, JC2015. My brother died last November from a COD that my family decided to keep quiet as well. It had more to do with substance abuse than mental illness, but I understand your pain in not being able to talk about it. It really does hurt. We've talked about possibly telling people to speak out for his problem to help others, but ultimately decided to keep it to ourselves. None of my friends know, so every time anyone has asked about how he died, I give them a small truth (a more acceptable truth), but not the whole truth. I'm not sure how this will harm me in the long run, which is why I decided to start writing online in these forums. I'm hoping by getting it out this way, it'll help me cope. I also started writing to my brother in word docs, like a diary, but to him. I express my feelings about how I feel -- anger, sadness, love, depression. Everything. That could help you in getting your feelings out. Also, connecting with people online who feel your pain, I'm hoping, will help you as well. I hope it helps me. So far so good, except no replies. But it has only been one day. So we'll see... Unfortunately, I feel like there are no words that I can write that will make you feel better about your situation, but one thing I've told myself over the last year is that I just have to live second to second. I'm still not to the day by day point yet, but I hope I'll make it there soon. Thank you for sharing, and thank you for your time in reading my response as well. I am here for you.

[MyShatteredHeart]

oh my JC2015, I am so sorry for you loss. Was it your only brother? There are never any words or ways to deal with tragic loss and unexpected death. I hope this doesn't do dumb, but for now maybe you can just say it was an 'accident' obviously a 'tragic accident' and that you can't talk about the details right now. I know family will especially will expect more information, but in this situation hopefully they will let it go for a while and let you all deal with it together for now. It has not even been a month so these wounds are raw and fresh and you are still grieving. Even though you were not really close with your brother, you are still grieving for him and your parents and for yourself and grappling to deal with the situation.

 

Having your husband and children is a good support system for you and I hope they are a comfort. Also, don't consider the details as a secret. When something like this happens there are many questions others may heap on you that you are not ready to answer. Some may ask why you didn't get him help sooner, or question if he was on medication and was he taking it regularly and other concerns that you may too overwhelming or personal to answer. The thing is what happened happened and there is nothing no one can do about it now. 

 

There may come a day when you can tell family what really happened. You can just tell people you aren't ready to talk about it yet and talk about it with the few people you chose to release the information too. I am so so sorry for your father. I cant' imagine his pain. He will need to talk about it and not feel guilty about his choice. Just 'step up' by reminding him of this and letting him get out his sorrows. As with us all, we have to cry, vent, scream, wail, be upset with others and ourselves and mourn in order to get through it.

 

 

[JC2015]

Thank you very very much MyShatteredHeart and MissMyBabyBrother, your kind words have helped so much. I am going to try journaling, since most of things I'm thinking sound so awful and selfish. I think saying a tragic accident may be enough for now, you're right, human nature is to ask a lot of questions and I definitely don't have answers. I was feeling like I am keeping a secret or lying, but I need to look at it differently. Part of me wants to tell the whole story, but what is my motivation? I'm going to take time to absorb all this. Thank you both for replying.

[heartbrokensister]

Hello JC 2015,

 

I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your brother. I lost my little brother (he was 22 years old) two months ago and I can empathise so much with your pain, sorrow, and the shock of it all. I feel like I understand the pain you are in. The cause of my brother's death is also not easy to talk about and I rarely go into details even with good friends. I've only told a couple of people so far, although I'm sure this will change in the future. I just wanted to mention that I also understand and have experienced the urge to tell the story of what happened, no matter the audience. On the one hand, it makes good sense that I shouldn't have to edit the story, and part of this I think is positive is refusing to feel ashamed about what happened. But on the other hand, and what I am only beginning to learn now, is that actually you should be a little discretionary with who you tell what. Not because you are ashamed, but maybe because of the nature of the relationship or because of the context in which you know the person. All I can say is that I've told people that I regret telling, and as I look back, I think it was just too raw and too soon. Trust your gut, you'll know when you want to talk more and the good thing is, you can always tell a person later when you are more prepared for the conversation. I would keep taking the time to yourself and journaling, as well as talking to people you know you can trust about your feelings. Thank you for sharing and again I'm so sorry.