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Loss of younger brother


guseraba

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I'm not exactly sure what to write on here. My younger brother, Cody, passed away on March 31, 2011. He had just turned 20 the month before and I was 22. My brother was killed from an accidental gunshot wound to the abdomen. How this happened, i'm not 100% sure. The police report wasn't definitive. They say either my brother was cleaning the guns at his grandfathers house and it accidentally went off on him, and the other theory was that his step brother didn't realize the guns were loaded and shot Cody unintentionally. Personally, I think it was the step brother and it was covered up. But, i'll never know. I could think this because I don't want to believe my brother made a stupid mistake that ended his life so young. Or it could be the gut feeling I have, i'm unsure. Whenever I have to mention how my brother passed....I always decline to say. How do you tell someone your brother died from an accidental gun shot wound and not get judged for it? I've read some of the other posts and saw how some of you mention the feelings of lonliness from being the last remaining sibling. I get it. Whenever I don't do something my brother would have done from my mom, I hear about it from her. Whenever I visit her she tells me how she thinks of suicide almost on a daily. She tries to then guilt trip me to moving back home so be closer to her. If I were to do that, I'd be more depressed than I already am from the situation. 

 

I miss my brother terribly. He was the jokster. Always making everyone laugh. In school he was the one getting in trouble for wearing inappropriate shirts that said stuff like, "girls don't poop." Now was my brother an angel, no. We fought a lot, but always made up and would laugh at our stupid fights. I miss his laugh. I miss his big bear hugs and going out to lunch with him on a whim and just hanging out. I miss playing video games with him and watching stupid zombie movies. 

 

It's been 4 years since he's passed, almost 5. I still cannot speak of him without crying. I can't talk about him to others. I get depressed and have panic attacks around holidays up until the day he left me. Thankfully I feel like it's getting somewhat easier. But, will the pain ever really go away? 

 

Again, not sure the point of this post. I told my girlfriend I would write on here to see if it helps. So I guess we'll see.

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Hi Guseraba,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your brother. It sounds as though you've not quite properly dealt with his passing because after five years you still cannot speak of him without crying, and you are unable to talk about him with others. Talking about him and talking about how you feel is the very best way to move forward and deal with your tragic loss. Perhaps some professional counseling or a self-help group (often if you contact your local funeral home, they will have a grief/loss group open to anyone and free) will help you deal with what you are experiencing.

 

It sounds as though perhaps your mother needs some professional help, too. Has she tried counseling?

 

The pain lessens in time, but it takes awhile. If you cannot talk about him to anyone, perhaps you can write about him or write to him? Journaling is another excellent way people heal from their grief. Often, people write letters to their lost loved ones, and it really helps them to begin to heal. Some people write more than one letter.

 

Whatever you chose to do, we will be here for you.

 

ModKonnie

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Hi Gusebara,

 

I'm so sorry for the tragic loss of your brother. I lost my brother 11 months ago, and it's coming up on his one year anniversary. He was 23 and had just graduated from college 2 months prior and landed a job. He had his whole life in front of him. The cause of his death is also something I feel like I can't talk about with anyone. Actually, I can't. Our family made a deal that we would keep that one detail to ourselves. It's been so difficult holding it in. I actually don't know how much longer I can tell a different story to people who ask. It's not different, I just leave a major detail out - the actual COD. I just joined this forum today and so far I've found it helpful. I wrote on someone else's post and I was able to vent as well as provide some words of encouragement (as much as you can in a situation like this). It allowed me to get my feelings out. I wrote such a long post. I feel like talking about these things is really helpful, especially since I'm 1700 miles from any of my family members. I reached out to so many support groups and spilling my feelings online so far has been helpful -- thinking about trying a meeting or therapist but we'll see... I like that I can vent online while I'm thinking about him at work.

The advice about writing to your bother as ModKonnie said -- I started doing the same thing last week. I never wrote a diary as a kids cause I thought to myself -- who the hell am I writing to -- but now, I NEED to talk to my brother. So I type up letters as if he's deployed or away at college (without computers and cell phones) and store them in a folder by date. It's been helping get my feelings out so I don't feel AS miserable throughout the day. But don't get me wrong, I'm miserable. I just put my game face on. I have to in the work place. And FYI - I still cry at random times during the day. I know I always will. Though they say things get easier as time goes on, I've lost my one and only partner in crime and I will continue to think about him ALL THE TIME. Which in turn, will make me cry, depending on the emotion I'm feeling at the time. Sometimes I'm angry, sad, happy (thinking of the memories), so many things. So I'll excuse myself from work, go to the bathroom and let the tears roll. In my opinion, tears ARE an outlet. I literally HAVE to cry sometimes, and once I do I feel slightly better. Like a small weight has been lifted. The pain still isn't gone but the build up is, if that makes any sense. Can't let it build -- that's when it gets too hard to handle. Hope this was helpful. Thank you for listening. 

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