Approaching the one-year anniversary of my mother's passing

[Everly]

Silver... I'm sorry... 3 years without our Mom's... horrible.  Yeah, Oct 6 was the anniversary of my Mom's stroke... how I remember that night... awful.  In two days it will be the anniversary of her death.  I can't think about it too long, it's still too painful.  I really don't look at many pictures anymore or video's, it's just too painful.  I miss her and want her here.

I so wish I didn't delete all my posts from this forum after I found out my sister was reading them.  How I wish I had them... I'd like to read what I wrote three years ago... I'm mad that I deleted them   

How are you doing?   Did you do anything special on the anniversary?

[silverkitties]

Eve, this year I didn't do much--partly because I am on the home stretch of the book. I just want it out of the way at this point. 

I can't believe it is three years either. Do you feel differently this year from the previous ones? I still think my first year was beyond a doubt, the most difficult one. Such a double whammy--missing my mom and feeling so lonely. (And of course my dad doesn't make it any easier for me.)

When I'm actively engaged on a project, I'm fine. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that sometimes it's still hard to get up and know that there's really nothing to look forward to. No mom to go out with. No mom to show my work to. No mom to make me feel comfortable. The fact that dad is so different from mom hurts even more, especially when I KNOW that he helped end her life. It pisses me off so royally that he has only cared for himself and never cared about me or mom--and here I am, taking care of HER MURDERER.

Mom and I should have had the chance to enjoy more trips together. She should have had a few relaxing years without the asshole telling her to do this and that. Especially whe dad has done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for our family. Everyone used to say that my mom looked so strong and dad so weak; yet it was my dad who outlived her.

IT'S BECAUSE HE KILLED HER BY DRAINING HER OF ALL ENERGY!

I hope to make the remainder of his life as miserable as possible.i tell him each and every day that /i hold his kunt mother responsible for raising such a weak, no-dicked man.  Honestly, she should have just let him die when he was a sickly boy isntead of spoiling him.  He has NO business living up to his late 80s! I hold his kunt cousin for distracting him from his work: and of course my dad for not being able to resist. ( It is interesting btw that while I have had opportunities to flirt with men these past 2 years courtesy of LinkedIN (LOL!!!), I have withheld them in the knowledge that my completing book is far more important! )FINALLY,  HIS KUNT STEPMOTHER FOR AIDING AND ABETTING THIS KUNT (BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER) AND ADOPTING MY DAD'S YOUNGER BROTHER SUCH THAT HE OWNS all THE PROPERTY DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE ALREADY EARNS FAR MORE THAN MY DAD. SHE AND MY ASSHOLE GRANDFATHER DEMANDED $200-300 A MONTH FOR 20 YEARS IN THE 1970S AND 80S.  HIS WHOLE FAMILY SUCKS!

(Sorry about the caps....typed it all, discovered it, and didn't want to retype.)

I blame my dad for not researching health insurance in 2013/14 when he was being switched from Cigna to United Healthcare. I 've always wondered if this 2nd rate insurance is what made the doctors give up on her.

I blame my dad for pressuring me in my younger years...while he busily played with his kunt cousin. Honestly, I know of no man who uses a sabbatical to fool around with a prostitute. Sabbaticals are used for writing books! No wonder this jackass never made as much money as other engineers. And no wonder he wanted me to study medicine or engineering....so I could support his sorry ass in later years. He's not like those good American fathers who say I will earn as much as possible so my daughter/son can study anything s/he wants. (Interestingly, this is what his younger brother did....shows you how much better a father he is than my jackass father. A good father fights so his children can have EVERYTHING! )

I MISS MOM SO BADLY! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE TWO OF US TOGETHER....NOT ASSHOLE DAD!

I hope he dies in pain. GODDAMN THE MOTHER PHUCKER.

[Dgiirl]

22 hours ago, Everly said:

I so wish I didn't delete all my posts from this forum after I found out my sister was reading them.  How I wish I had them... I'd like to read what I wrote three years ago... I'm mad that I deleted them  

Everly, although it might be a bit difficult to find them, you might still have luck finding your deleted posts by using the following site.  Choose a year, and then you'll see a history of what the site looked at that time.

https://web.archive.org/web/20150501000000*/http://forums.grieving.com

Hope it helps!