Mum died in motorbike accident abroad when I was 19 (3 years ago)

[laura-445]

Hi all. My mum died three years ago on holiday with my Dad. She was on the back of his motorbike. My dad was unscathed when they had a crash, but my Mum died... I still don't know exactly what happened. I took a few months off university but got a job and kept incredibly busy for the past three years. I find myself constantly gripped by anxiety now, and have never regained the confidence I had before Mum died. I feel like life was going so well and then I was cheated - I can't cope with stress at all anymore, so I don't push myself and hesitate to do anything new for fear of being overwhelmed. I feel like a weak, damaged person and I'm so jealous of all the successful, bright young people I see around me - I want them to know I'd be like them too if I hadn't been through what I have. I don't know if I will be this way forever, or if I can get rid of the constant anxiety and fear of imminent catastrophe. I just wanted to start a conversation to see if there is anyone out there who feels this way too. I've never another woman who has lost their Mum suddenly in their teenage years.

[Fragrantcloud]

Hi. I'm 20! I lost my mum two and a half months ago almost. It was sudden, I never saw it coming and I am not in uni yet and I have no job. I was a mummy's girl. And I understand all of what you have said. I'm not the same and I see people and I think just a few months ago I was just like them. Taking silly selfies and doing silly things. The most I was worried about before my mum passed was if the music video of my fave artist would be stupid like before. Now I find myself serious ....I don't think like that anymore. Life has been thrown in my face.

I feel guilt and I have panic attacks, I'm suicidal and I self harm (I'd never done or thought of these before my mum * I was the typical worrying about trivial issues. Now I'm different) and I too wonder if I will ever be the same. I wonder if I'm going to survive even though I am trying daily for my sister who is fourteen years old.

I feel alone and scared. Nothing is the same anymore and I hate it. I want to rewind time and change it all. Get up twenty minutes earlier and I wouldn't be writing this.

I'm glad you've come here. Everyone understands how you feel here. I try and help others too, although it's hard when I myself barely know how to help myself get out of bed in the morning. Barely have the will to eat.

Hope you post more and I'm sorry for your loss.

All my love.

Kirsten

[laura-445]

Thanks Kirsten, it is comforting to know I'm not the only person going through this, although I am really sorry to hear that you are struggling.

 

When I was two and a half months in, I think I felt similarly. I didn't want to do anything - every small task felt like a mountain to climb, but I didn't know what else to do but carry on doing daily chores. I was afraid of people, because I felt like a freak, and their sorriness for me just made me angry and awkward - it feels so ridiculous to have to be polite and grateful to people just because they baked you something or said they were sorry for their loss, when that took them nothing, no effort, no disruption, they get to go back to their normal lives and you are still there with the huge weight of what you've got to deal with. I hated everyone, for a little while.

 

I hope you don't make the mistakes I've made, although I've done okay all things considered. If I could go back a couple of years I would have given myself longer to grieve. I would have resisted the urge to jump into things and become so busy I didn't have time to think about my Mum. I would have tried not to put my grief into a little box and bury it deep inside where I now feel like I've lost it. You really really need to grieve, whatever that means for you. I've realised that a little late, and now I'm trying to find my way back to where I stopped and do some more grieving, because I think I need to.

 

I can relate to growing up very suddenly. I was 19 and a baby, I'd never experienced adversity. After Mum died that changed completely and I found it hard to be around my friends because what they cared about was just so inconsequential. It's really hard to feel like I've lost my connection with people because of my experience, but I have found new friends now, who are compatible with the person I've become. I've started dating someone who is ten years older than me, but we feel perfectly matched in maturity, because I'm older than my years emotionally. So good things have happened to me, too. I have a beautiful goddaughter, born just after Mum died, and when I graduate I want to spend more time with her. 

 

Good things will start happening to you, and slowly you will be able to feel happiness again, I promise. I never thought I would, and it has been returning in little flashes. It's still really hard. For me it has become a bizarre state where I have an exterior life, which I do experience and get pleasure from, but is separated slightly from my interior life, where I am increasingly plagued with anxiety, fear, a sense of failure and inadequacy, and of course guilt.

 

Just now I had a moment where I truly missed my Mum. I had that mummy-missy-feeling which I haven't had in a long long time, and I've been searching for inside myself (I knew it was there somewhere). Thanks for helping me find it. Please let me know how you're doing.

 

Lots of love

 

Laura