Loss of a Teenager

[tomsmom]

On Tom's 19th birthday I had a party for him and it really helped me get through the day. I actually rented a hall and invited family and his friends and set up tables with card games and bingo and let them win $5 gift cards and everyone got a shirt that said TOM 25 on it. I had a cake and we sang to Tom. I know he was there and loving it. When I went to the meduim after that Tom mentioned the cake and how much he loved us all gettting together remembering the funny things he did. I try not to break down as much anymore. I try to do anything I can to honor him and make him proud. After all we will be together again some day and I want him to say I did good. He is one of the funniest people I have ever known and I know he does not want us to stop laughing. I also put a notebook in a ziplock bag at his grave for kids to go and write notes to him. I find that brings me some comfort too. Hearing that they miss him and will never stop talking about him is a comfort. They tell me funny things Tom did and now when I visit his stone I don't just cry, I laugh too.

5 years for killing someone just isn't justice. I can't even imagine how you feel. Mad at the world I guess. Knowing some day he will get out and go on with his life when your son is gone and your life will never be the same is not fair. I have not done the court thing yet. I know whatever he gets for stabbing Tom to death will not be enough.

Peace to all on this journey we are on!

[wadesmom]

Kathy,

You're right- we will see our babies again- each day we are one day closer to seeing them.

Keep holding on tight (easy to say hard to do)

tomsmom,

It was interesting to read what helped you through Tom's 19th BD. What an awesome way to honor your son!

jjrsmom,

I thought of you this past weekend- knowing that June 2nd was Jerrod's BD. Sending strength, hope and hugs your way.

evsmom,

I'm sorry that you have to deal with the legal system- it sounds very difficult, confusing and chaotic to contend with. I don't understand what you are dealing with daily but I feel your pain and want you to know that I'm thinking of you also and that I can always listen.

peace to all of you- a second at a time.

Wadesmom

[wadesmom]

A documentary "Space between Breaths" premiered May 31st in Lexington, KY.(has any one seen this?) From what I've read- This film is about eight bereaved families and their 12 children, who have experienced the loss of a child. (documentary by Rosemary and Luther Smith)

The documentary is to be a source of comfort for the bereaved and a film of education for those who have not lost a child to gain insight and understanding to help those who have.

If anyone is interested and to learn more about it go to: www.spacebetweenbreaths.com

I have not seen it, but I have been reading about it and I've just wondered what your thoughts/comments were on Space Between Breaths.

Wadesmom

[kirksdad]

I know I haven't written for a long time, I have been pretty worn down. I come tonight because it should be Kirk's 24th birthday. For me it has been 7 missed birthdays because the last birthday he was alive, his 17th, I was harvesting and couldn't be there for him. Each year since his death this day has been so very hard. I remember how tough of a time my wife had giving birth to him, it was about this time I had had enough and had the nurses call the doctor in to perform a C-section, she had been in labor for 36 hours. His chord was wrapped around his neck and it just wasn't possible for him to be born naturally.

This past year has been so hard I have worked my butt of, but in the course of it have worn myself down. I just don't have much energy to do anything and writing here has suffered, I am sorry. I hoped as time past I could come to some understanding of my feeling and be able to control them, but all I have been able to do is build a wall around myself, trying to protect myself from the kind of pain I have experienced from Kirk's death.

I wish there were some answers to why things like this happens, but we all know there just isn't any.

The Church that was built on the site where Kirk died was dedicated last week, it was beautiful. I directed the chior, there was one song I had a very hard time getting through. I visited his grave right before and asked that everyting go well, it went fantastic, the people that were there couldn't believe how great the choir sounded. I was amazed myself. We were able to purchase one of the stain glass windows in his memory, it is a blue glass lined window with a cloud motif in lead, the center is clear and you can watch the clouds move in the sky, it is very peaceful to watch.

I know there are many that have started writing here and hopefully soon I will be able to start contributing again, but after so many years of trying to help out, I found out I needed to help myself, also. I hope that I can do that, it isn't easy. One thinks that things are going well and then all at once everything emotionally seems to fall apart. I don't understand why it happened this year, because it was a great year for me at work, just wore me completely out. Anyway I am working on it.

[wadesmom]

Kirksdad,

I've missed reading your posts the past several months so it was good to hear from you and to read what's happening in your journey. It sounds like you have kept yourself extremely busy and just got completely worn out in the process. I am new on this path,and I remind myself frequently that I only have this minute/hour to get through. Please take care of yourself and realize that we are thinking of you and are always here for you.

It was interesting to read about the church that was built, on the site where your son died, and the dedication last week, the fantastic Choir song by the choir you directed, the stainglass window that you purchased in memory of Kirk. I can't imagine the roller coaster of thoughts, with so many ups and downs and twist and turns that went through your mind.

Just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you.

Wadesmom

[wadesmom]

Kathy,

I understand exactly what you mean about being in total disbelief that your son was killed. I am the same way. I know what occured but I can not grasp it nor do I know if I would be capable of handling it if I could all of a sudden realize what has happened in our lives. I think that's part of this first year of feeling stunned, shocked, numb, and not believing that any of this is real,,,,,,,,,,,, I often ask "how can it be?" too. Wade has been gone for almost 10 months now, it seems like yesterday, yet it also seems like it was way too long ago since I saw him, heard his voice, hugged him, and the list continues. Why does it seem both ways?

Your buddy, your Anthony IS with you each day. I hope you can feel it- I know these days are not what they use to be , but I hope you can feel his presence daily and please know that you are thought of here.

Thinking of you and Anthony, please take care.

Wadesmom

[wadesmom]

You helped Jimmy out probably more then you will ever know Kathy. You offered support and comfort to him when he really needed someone. He had to be one scared, shook up kid and what you did for him was admirable. It had to be difficult for you to come upon this wreck, let alone have a drunk driver involved. I believe that your son assisted you along the way, knowing that you could calm Jimmy down like you did.

I'm so glad that you feel Anthony close by almost every day. I know what you mean when you said sometimes you know when he is not close by- because he is busy doing his thing up there, just like when he was busy doing his thing down here. I was glad that you wrote that because I feel the same way about my own son.

I don't know why drunks never get hurt and your own baby was ripped from your life-None of it makes any sense to me either.

You're right- time does not seem to exist, it's like the months fly by and yet the days stand still. I'm really not sure that's an adequate explanation of what it feels like but I think you know what I'm trying to say.

Take care of yourself

Wadesmom

[wadesmom]

Thinking of you and Anthony today. I know why it's still not real and a bad dream to you.

Today is 10 months that my son has been gone.

I'm thinking about you - getting your tattoo on your wrist, with the butterfly, stars and Anthony's name.

Take care

Wadesmom

[jjrmom]

It is now been 7 months since Jerrod is gone and the night the man killed him 3 other lives have been destroyed too. Mine my husband and other son. life is sometimes so vicious. We all seem like just strangers now. Once we were so happy. So much has happened in these last 7 months and when you think one nightmare is over another has just begin.

[iansmom]

On the 19th we had sentencing. Unfortunately we had a wack job for a judge. Or should I say Braxton hit the lottery for killing 3 people. Needless to say my heart is crushed and my family is besides themselves with anger that this judge was so crass. People in this area are putting their view point into the internet version of the daily papers and Judge Herman Clause has picked up the nick name Judge Santa Clause. On the 19th Judge Clause ruled that Braxton be sentenced 15 years each count [3] with the mandatory 1 year each to be served consecutively . Which means mandatory 3 years for 3 lives. This was an illegal sentence since the BAC was .17 . Sooo, here we have to go back to court on the 27th and this judge santa clause in essence says - ok you caught me but I’ll show you who’s boss - - he cut the 15 year sentence to 12 and changed the consecutive to concurrent with the mandatory 5 years as the law requires. A slap in the face. But when he comes up for parole they have to call us……..

[momofmar]

My daugters boyfriend has been gone for 7 months after a tragic car accident. A joy ride that went wrong and the driver walked away. Today would be his 19th birthday. We celebrated his 18th with him and it seems like it was just yesterday that he was with us. My daughter has struggled with her life, trying to be normal--which she will never be and still missing him so much. As a mom, it is like I lost one of my own and I know his parents must feel that a hundred fold. He was a big part of our lives for a year and we were so fond of him. I read the other posts here and the pain is so strong you can feel it and I think about all of you and the suffering and loss. My thoughts are with all of you...

[angelzone]

Almost six years ago I lost my beautiful 13 year old son due to a driver on drugs who ran up on the sidewalk and killed him. It took five years for her to be sentenced to jail, after all the appeals finally ran out, but having her in jail doesn't matter to me at all. It won't bring my son back and I refuse to be controlled by anger and hatred. It is a choice and I have decided to make the rest of my life better and more fulfilling in honor of my son. To me, that's the best memorial I can give, although I certainly have done a lot in this physical world to honor him.

After six years, the pain is definitely no where near the pain I felt for the first two years. Does time heal? Sort of. Can you laugh again? Yes, can you be happy? Sort of. Can you make the best of a bad situation? Definitely yes.

Can you make yourself miserable? Yes. Can you let go of hatred and the dreaded why me syndrome? Yes. Can you hold on to the the pain and not let go? Yes.

Can you find some answers? Yes, but only if you look until you find them.

Reading books, to me, is like reading a menu. The menu is not the food, but simply describes the food. Some people are satisfied with the menu. I wasn't. I decided to try everything possible to get to the bottom of this life and death stuff. I found enormous peace meeting with a medium,Simeon, located in Massachusetts. Website: www.fst.org Cost: donation. This experience provided some real answers to my real questions. Unlike any book I had read. I REALLY heard from my son, and no one can tell me I didn't. Don't believe it? I could care less.

I was also past life regressed by an associate of Brian Weiss. www.brianweiss.com. This was truly an amazing experience and helped me understand why what happened, happened. If you don't believe in it, I don't care. I have found enormous peace and tranquilty because of what I have done, rather than sit on my ass and complain about how bad life is. Life is wonderful and if you can find the relevance of events in your life perhaps you could look back after you have passed and say I did what I needed to do. That's all anyone can do... but only if they try.

I don't have all the answers but I do have some, which is more than I had prior to starting my journey.

[angelzone]

Another good site for those with some courage to find your own truth

georgeanderson.com

He is descibed as a very accurate medium according to the excellent book, The Afterlife Experiments, where science meets spirituality. I have met with Mr. Anderson and I can say from experience this is the real deal, and there are so many that aren't.

[Guest Guest]

Where to start? I have been looking at this site for a month, but could not bring myself to write. My first born son Nicholas Garrett Cullens was killed instantly when a 22 year old driver was going 76 in a 40 and had a limit of .16. I have no hope. I have no life. I can not seem to go on. I am so confused. It is like he will come bac, I am just waiting.

He died on his sister's 16th birthday....it is so unfair. I cry all the time. Everything reminds me of him. He was almost 18. A senior and finally getting out of school. He had everything in front of him. I am just lost. I miss him so much.

[Guest Guest]

My son Tyler recently died in a 4wheeler accident. He was driving and it was a one vehicle accident. He died June 6,2007. His 16th birthday was July 2, 2007. I am back to work, have two surviving children. I'm not sure how I'm surviving right now, but I have no other choice. I have a hole in my soul right now, that will never be filled again. I miss him to my core.

[Guest Guest]

This is me again, same as last post. How do I get my nickname to show rather than guest? Can anyone help me with that?

[bbarbie55]

Guest fill out the profile and pick your name.

I'm sorry for your loss,I lost my adult daughter(25) on 4/24/07 she would have been 26 on 6/24/07 and I know its not easy but you have friends here. Keep coming back and visit the other threads it will help to read that you aren't alone. I know its helped me.

Deb

[jjrmom]

Dear Guest,

So sorry about your son. Life sure isn't fair to anyone on this board. It hurts so bad to out our your child. It has been eight months since my son was killed and there is not really aday I don't think about him. It was really hard at first when I lost him now the days just come and go. I think of good things about him. If you might want to start writing a journal about the good times you shared. Take care.

[jjrmom]

Dear Katant,

I been think about you. I know your just hanging in like the rest of us. I know your court date is coming up. I thought we were about through but go back the 18th. If the girl pleads I hope they don't send her to a easy jail(honor farm) like ours was sent. It just amaze me for taking young lives what these people get sentence to. Us as moms will be sentenced to pain the rest of our lives. Everyday I look for a purpose why kind hearted loving people are killed and the mean live. I just don't get it.

[tiffanicovais]

Where to start? I have been looking at this site for a month, but could not bring myself to write. My first born son Nicholas Garrett Cullens was killed instantly when a 22 year old driver was going 76 in a 40 and had a limit of .16. I have no hope. I have no life. I can not seem to go on. I am so confused. It is like he will come bac, I am just waiting. He died on his sister's 16th birthday....it is so unfair. I cry all the time. Everything reminds me of him. He was almost 18. A senior and finally getting out of school. He had everything in front of him. I am just lost. I miss him so much. Today is his three month mark. I am still as sad as I was the day I found out. We have plans to go to his grave and bring him something special.

[iansmom]

Dear tiffanicovais, I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I too loss a son to a drunk driver with a .17. I can relate to all you’ve said. My son didn’t get the chance to graduate. The unfortunate thing was the 19 year old that drove under the influence had forced his way behind the wheel of the vehicle that my son was in and threatened all their lives, and then did what he said he would. It’s been just over 16 months for us and we still cry. We still bring fresh cut flowers to his mausoleum every other week. We had a birthday party for him inviting all his friends. People that I never expected showed up. Ian had friends in high places, he had rich friends and poor. The owner of the most exclusive golf coarse came by and many others on that end. The feeling that Ian will come back is still with me. We have a long road ahead of us, but you can be comforted knowing that one day when our time is done here that we will see our son’s again in heaven. I know right now that brings little comfort to the huge gaping hole you feel in your heart right now. You probably feel that your heart has been ripped from your chest and crushed by the tremendous pain you’re walking through right now. Just know that God is there carrying you, speaking to your crushed spirit and has you in his protective bubble. Remember the poem ‘One set of Footsteps‘, I’m praying for you. I don’t know if your son was into sports but just maybe they’re playing football or baseball in heaven like the song says by Mercy Me; House of God.

It was a while before I could do it but I found that putting together a virtual-memorial helped me. It was hard in a way because of all the wonderful memories but for the same reason it helped me. If you want to visit Ians memorial to get an idea click on this url http://Ian-Allen-James-Brasseaux.virtual-memorials.com. At the bottom is a place you can go to start your own if you want to use this program. Ours was paid for by an anonymous donor and we’re on there forever.

Again, I’m sorry for your great loss. No words can express the depth of pain at such a loss but know you’re not alone. Our Heavenly Father is with you, just lean into Him, He’s the best crutch in world. Iansmom, Faith

[tiffanicovais]

Having a really bad day. I am on Zoloft, anti anxiety drugs and I still feel the same. I am in counseling as are my children....but I still feel so hopeless. I can not continue on feeling this way forever. Everyday is a struggle to even get up and do the normal things I need to do. My other children are keeping me going.

I am so sad. I can not believe this.When does life become half way real again?

[iansmom]

tiffanicovais, give yourself time. This was a major shock to your system. I too walked around like a zombie because my other kids needed me. It's not an easy pain to shake. I was put on another anti-anxiety drug but I didn't take it long - I couldn't handle that - - but it worked for others really well. This was your baby, and that kind of pain is to the core. Don't push yourself to do more than you can. Allow yourself time to heal. Crying is part of the healing process too. Heal - there is no greater pain than to loose your child, it's been almost 17 months and I'm still healing. This will be with us for the rest of our lives. These were our babies that were ripped out of our arms, but there is the healer that walks with us. That's who I lean on. It's how I get through each min. of each day. Give yourself time. Don't look for when life becomes half way real again. Just take care of right now. I'm praying for you, I know how much you hurt. I hope your day goes well today. Iansmom, Faith

[4everjoeysmom]

Tiffani, I echo the words of my dear friend Faith. She and I have shared deep pain and thoughts between ourselves over the losses of her Ian and my Joey. She is absolutely on the mark by saying look for today and walk moment by moent instead of trying so hard to find your life and heart the way they used to be--or even half way. Once we begin this journey it takes time to realize so many things, especially that we will never be the same. All of us are learning to journey onward in a new life, a new skin, a new way of thinking and feeling. None of us will ever be who we were before. But that doesn't mean the deepest feelings of despair will always be with us. A lot of that depends on our response to our pain and loss. It takes time to comprehend many of the things we feel. We know why we feel this way, but we don't know what to do about it. There's no band-aid or quick and easy solution. But in time we do learn to take baby steps forward, and we learn to smile again. It just takes time. We are forever changed, and it takes time to adapt to the people we are and are becoming. There is a depsairing feeling when we don;t recognize ourselves, and we want so much to feel that old familiar self that was happy and full before. We will be happy and full again, but it will be in a very different way. There will always be an empty place where we miss the one who is gone. But we can still cling to hope that each day as we grow and learn and adapt and fall down, and greow some more and adapt some more to our new selves, we will be ok. We will be able to stand and breathe and live again. Just take it a day and a moment at a time, and embrace your hurting heart and soul as they begin to take shape of a new life and a new you over time. It's a frightening journey as we begin to let go and let our pain lead us forward, but you can do this. We are here for you, to hold your hand and walk with you one moment at a time. Hugs, Claudia

[tiffanicovais]

Thanks to all of you that said such nice things. Your right, I am a zombie. Just walking thru the motions. The WHYS are killing me. What could I have done to change this? Anyways, you guys are wonderful. This has to be the worst club that anyone could belong to!!!!

Tiffani

http://www.mem.com/Story.aspx?ID=1810177

Nick was killed by a drunk driver instantly on April 14, 2007.

[jjrmom]

Dear Tiffanicovais

I am so sorry to about you son Nick being killed by a drunk driver. My son Jerrod was also killed by a drunk driver 8 months ago. It is so sad to hear of another beautiful person dying. I think we all have our ??? or whys.Try and take care of yourself sleep if you want and cry if you want and talk about your son alot. Nights are hard for me I am still waiting for Jerrod to come through the door. SO a friend starting calling me in the night to get me through it. Try to surround yourself with people. I started writing a journal and writing seems to help alittle. I cry in the shower alot. If you want to shout go ahead. I felt like breaking something. I said a few words I should haven't but it help let off steam and it is funny because now I don't say them now. Our emotions are like rollercoaster. Take care of yourself.

[Guest Guest]

My name is Angie. I live in Seattle Washington and am a single mother of four boys. On July 12th, my beloved son Dallas who was 19, died suddenly and unexpectedly. My youngest son who is 12 and I, found him in his room. I have been losing my mind.

Dallas and I were very connected spiritually and mentally and to this moment I am still in shock and feel it is all so surreal.

I am alone here with only my youngest son, with all my family members out of state and the country. I recently moved here two years ago and have not made any friends. Even as my family members came to see me for a week, they are now all gone and resuming their lives.

My youngest son and I are now alone again.

Even as I am experiencing every form of grief at once, it is all so fresh, like yesterday.

I cannot seem to make any decision, let alone the decision when I CAN return to work. I honestly feel that I can't.

But my dilemma is, I have only my slightly above minimum wage job for any and all source of income. I know in my mind I MUST return to work within the next few days or lose my Apt. and any stability for my youngest son.

But returning to work now feels like an impossibilty to me.

I don't want to talk to or look at people or have them talk to or look at me.

I feel so hopeless and helpless to help myself. I need to go back to work....can anyone help me in any way with advice or any idea that could help me understand how to do this? Is it really so easy as everyone is saying it is?

They say it will take my mind off of it. But they don't seem to understand that I have lost half of my mind and almost all of my heart.

I only want my son. That is the only thing I care about now. I know it sounds irrational to people, but it is the only thing I can, want to, or need to think and feel right now. I just feel so desperate.

I know noone can tell me what to do, but I myself don't know how I can do this? Are there any parents here who have had the same issue? I appreciate and am grateful for any response you can give.

[Judgesmom]

Hi Angie:

I wrote this long email and when I went to send it is just didn't go, to here I go again. I am so sorry that your beautiful son Dallas died. I too lost my son June 13th, 2002 5 years ago and there is not a day goes by that I don't want him back so you are not alone or crazy thinking that, I want him back sometimes so bad that I beg God to take me and give him back to his Dad. Jordan and I were very connected almost connected to the hip,we were soulmates. You can read about him at www.jordanwodehouse.com so I would go into much here, He was killed by a drunk driver. I know what is like to be alone I was alone for sometime after Jordan's death, my family didn't understand, they think like a lot of other people that when you bury them you just go on with your life while life is totally different and will be forever and you will always greive the lost of Dallas it may get a little easier not easier but you deal with it different as life goes on, but you are freshly wounded by this terrible loss. About going back to work, work was my refuge, people at work did not know my boy and they also didn't know what to say about his death. I went almost immediately back to work, as if I stayed at home I think I would have gone insane more insane than I already am over loosing him. I just now this year after 5 years have taken some time off and it feels weird but nice at the same time. My family understand me a lot better now they know how to be a little nicer and not think you just get over it in a day, I will never get over it never ever. But going back to work is a necessity you have to show your other son that you are strong for him even if you don't want to feel strong just show him, he is hurting bad as well. He would have to go back to school for sure and if sees you not going back to work he might just say I'm not going to school. It will be tough but as soon as you get back to work and do your job it will get easier to work. People at work will prolly just go on their merry little way and just ignore you anyway as they don't know what to say, but if someone does say something just say "i love to talk about him" that is what I did. Greif never goes away, sorry but it is just something that will remain in your life forever, but you are so lucky(I know I should say this) because I would prolly say go away and FO but your other son needs you more now than ever. Could you move back to your home with your relatives or are they like mine don't care and don't understand. Anyway if you wish to email my email is wodehouseca@shaw.ca and my phone number is 1-780-634-8099 I can call you back I have unlimited long distance to the states and Canada, I live in Canada, you don't want to loose your home for your other boy, that would very traumatic for him along with the death of his older brother and best friend, you just have to bite the bullet and just say "yup I am going to go to work" do you work full time? Anyway I just wanted to let you know that I know what you are going through so very much, it feels like yesterday Jordan died, and it will feel that way forever for me. If you need to call or email me with your phone number I will call you. It sounds like you need a friend just like I did.

Love

Carol-Ann

Jordan'smom

[peitasmum]

I am sorry to hear about your loss but like u I lost my only child 3 and 1/2 yrs ago, my beautiful girl Peita, she was hit by a car while crossing the road. I now have nothing....

I went back to work 3 weeks after the accident. I just told myself that I was a robot and that I would switch my nob to automatic and just do what I need to do. I found most people don't know what to say and that was OK by me as I didn't want to talk to them. When I did though they were quite good and would listen while I would talk and sometimes say stupid things.

The greif will never leave you, it will be there. I think that we just accept it as a way of life. I beleive that our Angels are always with us and when the time is right we will be with them again, it's never goodbuy it's see you later. You can email me if you like (maria_xenos@bat.com) because I find that it's different to talk to someone that knows what it's like.

Stay Stong

My Love Maria

[iansmom]

Hi Maria, you said that you loss your child 3 ½ years ago. It’s been a 1 ½ years today for the loss of my son. I still feel like an open wound plus I suppose because my husband and I made a choice years ago that I would stay home to raise our kids that I’m in a constant reminder that my son is not here. Doing anything has become arduous. Well, like ya’ll say, robot mode. So my question here is, well……do you get over that? Though I didn’t work outside my home, I was always involved in church projects - big ones, and had my projects at home as well. I can’t seem to go there anymore. I can’t promise anyone anything. My husband began dragging me out of the house to just go ride around. It did a lot of good, but, still can’t commit even to the choir which I was in leadership for 22 years. Do we ever get past that? Did you?

Can anyone answer this question???

Iansmom, Faith

[Guest Guest]

I just found this website through a friend and have been crying reading the postings. My 14 year old baby died on superbowl sunday riding his true love, his motorcycle. He was hit by a car while riding on the trails by our house. He was killed instantly and that was the end of my life as it was. My life will never be the same and I have found that family vacations are painful, old hobbies hurt, anything that used to involve Steven is not the same. I never want to change those thoughts but I think my life and anything that was, has to change. It is important to get out and do, but what do I do? Work is where I put on the mask of everything is ok, but when I come home, reality hits. No more football practice, no more rides to school, movies or friends houses. How can I fill that emptiness? My daughter has found running, my older son throws himself into work, my husband and I sit and stare at each other, the TV or Steven's motorcycle sitting gathering dust in the garage. I don't know if we ever get past this...

[angelzone]

Can you ever get over your son's death? No. Can you get on with your life? Yes. But only if you really want to. I lost my 13 year old son almost 6 years ago. The first two years were brutal, but my wife and I wanted to make our lives more productive as a gesture to my son so that his life wasn't in vain and his death motivated us to become better people in his honor. We try every day. Some days are better than others, but we are making some progress.

After 5+ years, the pain has subsided quite a bit and we aren't in agony anymore. We do have a much better understanding of why things happen, primarliy by reading a lot of the books mentioned in Beyond Indigo and seeing a few mediums that helped us beyond words.

I would hope that you can dedicate the rest of your life to making a difference in the lives of others. I have found that the only way to help myself is to help others. By focusing on myself, I can't seem to get past the pain.

Ask yourself if your son would want you to be happy despite his passing. I am sure you know what the answer would be. You just have to do it. That's the hard part, but it is possible.

[peitasmum]

Iansmom, to anwser that simply in one word, no you never get over that. I have not and I never will. Peita was everything to me, we were a team that struggled to get through life because I wanted what was best for my girl. So after my whole world evolving around her how can I find any meaning, any reason to go on. I just go on day to day, I have no plans, I have no goals. I used to have allot. Now I can't seem to find anything to give me reason, I just do because I am waiting to be reunited with her.So I am sorry to say the real nightmare that envelopes you does not go away you just live in it.

I hope that I am the only one that feels like this but I know that I am not. It's a really dark place to be and I would not wish it on my enemy.

I know that one day I will be reunited with her, and that's what keeps me going everyday, because nothing else matters.

My Love and prayers to all that carry this unbearable pain.

Peita's mum

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Faith, I believe I know exactly what you mean in what you describe, because it has happened to me too. I sum it up to "I lost my motivation". It's different than saying I've lost my wiill... I still have a desire to do things. And serving in missions as I do full time, I know a lot of people are counting on me. I can go through the motions of a day, usually. But often times when I know there is something I need to do, especially writing correspondence and keeping updates going for our ministry friends...well, I just plain lack the motivation that used to flow through me like blood in my veins. It's so hard to describe what "losing motivation" feels like to someone/anyone, because I can't quite define it either. I mean sometimes I just force myself to do what I have to do. Other times I get on a roll and it's like one foot in front of the other--much like that robot mode. But then wham! And I'm ashamed to admit it happens way too often, I just don't feel like moving. I want to stay in my pajamas and think about Joey, and I don't feel like doing anything else. I felt like I was doing better for a while, especially since for 2 months I was so busy with short term mission groups, my head was spinning. But once the "forced business" went away, bam! My lack of motivation was there, staring me down as it always does. Quite honestly, I don't know if I ever will be motivated like I once used to be. Maybe that's a part of me that I need to let go of and not be so down on myself when I know I just don't have it in me to be motovated like that anymore. Maybe that too is part of the old me that God will reshape so that He can be made strong in my weakness. Especially in the States, we are conditioned by society to "be motivated". But in reality, most of what motivated me before kept me too busy to slow down and "be still", to listen for what He is strying to teach me. And maybe this is just my time to be still--a forced stillness beyond my control. Should we feel badly about not being motivated to do the things we did before? Or be motivated at all, for that matter? Especially since some of those things we did were such good thing...I don't know. I guess it depends on who is counting on us, and for what. I am learning that if I let myself have those unmotivated pajama days, often I get through them and the next day or two I can find some energy to do something else. And usually I feel good when I get out and do something. But I still need days when I don't have to do anything but whatever it is that I can muster for the day, even if it's sitting in my pajamas and just thinking. I don't have any remedies. I am praying Jesus does, and in time He will reveal to me what it is I shall do through His motivation and not my own--as if I had any anyway...

I'm with you, friend... Blessings and hugs, Claudia

[kirksdad]

This Sunday it will be 7 years and it just seems so unreal. I sing at the new church Sunday, the spot where Kirk died. We were fortunate enough to be able to afford to sponsor one of the stained glass windows in the church in memory of Kirk. I wasn't sure, in the beginning, how I would feel about going to Church every Sunday on the spot where Kirk died, but I have found it to be somewhat reassuring as to what life and death really means. I miss him so much, but when I walk into that church, it is absolute magnificent and beautiful, I am assured that there really is more to life, and even more to death. Life can be so hard for us after the death of our children. We look for any port in the storm which has become our lives. This church has become one of those ports.

I have changed so much over the past 7 years. In the beginning I thought my heart would absolutely break and I would still be alive. I had been though so many stages that I felt I would never ever be able to feel anything again. It was like the world stopped for me and life was just waiting for death. I have stopped feeling that way, thank God, and have gotten to the point of wanting to do something more for my life and my family. It has been such a long journey to get to this point and the journey will continue until the day I die. I guess all the changes and pain do make one a different person with a different soul, but at some point, life, seems worth living. I hope it lasts.

I still miss Kirk with all my being, he knows that, and so does all our family and fiends, but he will always be a part of me, always with me. Seven years seems like it would be such a long time, but it really does seems like moments right now after all I have been through. One can come out the other end with some sanity. One of my former students talked to me the other day and told me he just doesn't understand how I have stayed so sane with all I have been through. I thought, I have just covered it up as gracefully as I could.

[griffinsmom]

2 yrs, 8 mos and the torture never ends.

[ashleysmom]

Kirksdad, You will be in my heart Sunday. I can't imagine the day gets any easier, just different. Thank you for the inspirational post.

[tiffanicovais]

I am having a terrible day. I just can not stop crying and I feel completely mad. It seems like it is getting worse instead of better. Can anyone tell me what medication has helped them the most. Right now I am on 100mg of Zoloft and 5mg valium 3 times a day. But it seems like sugar pills.....Will medication even help? It's been three months and I can not seem to stop torturing myself.

Tiffani

ANY SUGGESTIONS??

[tiffanicovais]

I do work out. I always have, and I have three other children that keep me going daily. I just can not get out of this depression. I do see a counselor and my kids go to the warm place where my husband and I and they can meet others who have lost siblings and children. It helps a little, but I guess it takes lots of time. I have seen women that are still just like me after 6 yrs!!! I am so afraid for my health. I went to the eye doctor yesterday, and they could not even get a prescription for me because my eyes are so swollen. I have to go back in two weeks...but will my eyes be different? Will I cry less? Probably not!!

Tiffani

Thanks for the advice about the valium. I will speak with my doctor about that!!!!

[jjrmom]

Dear Tiffanicovais,

You will find your life is on a never ending roller coaster. The first months are hell. All I can say if you is do what makes you cope. I took ambien to sleep and it help. It has been 9 months that my son was killed by a drunk driver and it is so hard. I have a hard time beleiving in anything. If you have to go through court case that is horrible because it seems like the nightmare never ends. We had lots of delays and then when you think it is over it isn't. Just try and hang in because some days are easier.

[tiffanicovais]

Today is my daughter's 9th birthday. Her first one without Nick here. I am trying to be so strong on these days where you HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO, but it is so hard. This guy that killed him is out on $60,000 bail. He is 22 was double the limit three hours after the accident, and was going 76 in a 40. I can just hope and pray that he serves time. If not, I do not know what I will do. He is up for manslaughter and vehicular assault. Have any of you been thru this and what did they get? I have never worked with the courts, and it is just so stupid how things move so slow...and it has been 4 months!!Any court stories?

Tiffani

[tiffanicovais]

You can visit Niks memorial at www.mem.com. Just key in the last name Cullens. It has pictures and a video, and a guest book if you wish to look, or sign. We have the obituary up still, but we are working on words to say about how we miss and feel about his short life.

Thanks to all of you!!

Tiffani

[angelzone]

Tiffanicovais

I have a court story but you probably won't like it, which is typically how it goes. My son Evan was killed at the tender age of 13 by a driver taking drugs. FIVE years later she finally went to jail after exhausting numerous appeals. During that five years I had to let go of the justice system and understand that there is true justice, it's not here on earth. My peace and comfort did in no way align itself with the sentence of the person who killed my son. No matter how much time a person receives it is never enough and how much anger and hatred will you have put yourself through only to find out that the sentence didn't make you feel the way you thought it would? I know you haven't been where I have been but I am simply trying to pass on information that I have learned from my own experience.

Satisfaction to me is living your life in a way that would make your child happy. What do you think they want us to do once they are gone? Be miserable? I don't think so.

I hope that you (and I) can let go of the things that make our life incomplete and concentrate on those things that move us forward toward the place we want and need to be.

Take care.

[iansmom]

Tiffany, So sorry about your loss. There are no words to express the depth of the pain involved when we lose a child. My teen had just turned 18 one month before the accident. The case was a joke to the courts. We got a judge that likes drunks. He told the families who loss a child [there were 3 teens that died that night] that they would have to get over it and move on with their lives. How crass can one get, and to be a person of the judicial system makes it worse.

Here in the South Louisiana we’re considered the “ La Bon temps Roule‘ “ [let the good times roll] culture. There have been many tragic deaths due to DWI here. The judges don’t condemn the drivers because they themselves or their family are drinkers and drive. We just loss two auspicious , giving people of our community due to a drunk driver. A husband and wife team. Their deaths make 65 in Acadiana alone this year, mostly due to a DWI cases. They might get 5 years. The sad thing is that it continues to happen. Why should they fear the far reaching strong hand of the law when it’s a wimp.

I hope you get a judge that hates drunk drivers enough to give a suitable judgment. The kid that took our son’s life and two others will serve no more than 5 years for all three lives.

One thing I can warn you about is that every time you get called to court, as a parent/ mom no matter how much you prepare yourself you will go through a quiet suffering. You may be able to be strong in court and/or in public but when you get home that’s another story. But go ahead and be strong because God will be there with you to help you. Where you are weak he is strong. Don’t know what I would do without Him at my side. Be Blessed, my prayers go with you throughout this year for it will not be easy but you can make it.

Iansmom, Faith

[jjrmom]

The court system in Calif. stinks for the victims of drunk drivers they favor the drinks. My son Jerrod was killed by a drunk driver a day before my birthday on November 9 2006. He was coming back from a college and friends that night just 18 and just started college.He was just 5 minutes from home and he held on for 17 hours before he died. It hurts so bad knowing he suffered. When I read the hospital report I know he wouldn't want to be alive the drunk hurt him so bad and he only got his leg hurt. I am crying when I write this. I think I am alittle farther along with our court case then most so if I can help see my email address in profile. My son Jerrod's memorial site is http://jerrod-miyaki.memory-of.com

[iansmom]

I went to your son's memorial Jjrmom. A very handsome young man. And the way you refer to you son Cher', too cute. I know you and your family miss him terribly, the same as we miss our son Ian. It's been said that the second year is harder than the first. I tend to agree, fighting the reality of it all. The first year, well, we just don't believe it and we're still numb. Now we're having to face the fact and harsh as they are we still want to fight it. It seems the the California law is similar to ours here is south La. Good for the drunks, not for their victims. Our prayers are with ya'll

Iansmom, Faith

[iansmom]

Kathy, I visited your son's memorial, a handsome young man. He looks like he liked to have fun. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. This has to be the worst type of [club] chat room to belong to. But praise God we have the support of each other for who else knows what we go through except someone who's been there. I'd give everything I have plus, to not have this experience. Have a Blessed day Kathy.

Iansmom, Faith

[jjrmom]

Dear Iansmom,

It is so sad we all meet on this board. It is a board that no one wants to be on but by going on maybe it helps us cope alittle. So sad to hear your son was also killed by a drunk driver.I wonder when this madness will end. Would it be ok if I email? Do you have a site for your son? Take care Life is hard.

[iansmom]

feel free to e-mail me. all1enfaith@cox.net

my son's site is

http://Ian-Allen-James-Brasseaux.virtual-memorials.com

We miss him terribly. They were 7 in a Ford Expedition. Braxton was drunk on beer and 2 fifths of liquor. Whiskey I think. 4 hours after the accident and an IV his level was .17. He was heard on the phone to his parents to say "I'm not going to jail for this" and when asked for his shirt because his friend was laying under a tree that the truck took down and was bleeding badly from his head the nurse said he replied "No way, this is a new shirt" Although this person can at times be known to a really nice guy he has shown what a monster he can be. All he cared about was his self. The only reason he was regretful was because he was caught in the wrong and was going to have to do time. After a year and a half after the accident we finally went to the sentencing and he was plead guilty and charged with 3 counts of vehicular homicide, he was lead to the police van. The TV. cameras were always there for all our court dates. This time they filmed him being walked by the officers and he's crying and saying "I can't believe this is happening to me" If I thought he was truly sorry, well, my feelings might differ some. But his actions have always been selfish. Every time I spoke with him after the accident it was about him and how bad he was doing.

Geez, I must sound bitter. I guess in a way I am. Ian didn't have to die. He and his friends did the right thing. They had a sober designated driver, not Braxton LeBlanc, but began fighting to get out of the truck, but the child locks were on and the more they fussed and carried on about Braxton not driving the angrier and more determined he got. When Braxton pushed Lindsey out of the drivers seat he began cursing everybody telling them that if they didn't shut up he would flip the truck and kill them all. Well, he succeeded in killing half of his passengers. It was a very ugly, ugly thing that happened to my son, the Broussard’s son, and the Head's daughter. One of the kids that was in the truck is still so very traumatized.

Sorry I got carried away. Still traumatized myself

Iansmom, Faith

[jjrmom]

Dear Faith,

It really doesn't get any easier because everything is relived over because of the court cases.I got so tired about reading or hearing about the alleged driver that killed my son.How can you be a alleged driver when you are 3 times over the limit and drive 10 miles the wrong way on the freeway.That always got me. Now I can say his name because he isn't now the alleged driver Steve Chiang. He had a designated driver and went bar hopping and even bought drinks for a crowd he didn't know. Jerrod was just a innocent coming home. What is scary is that I read in the paper where we use to there were 26 arrest for DUI this last weekend in sting. When does it end. Maybe if there were harsher punishments it would. We all live in different areas and are kids are being killed every day by a drunk driver.