Being the remaining sibling

[Nassilia]

Hello everybody,

 

A little over a year ago, I lost my 18 year old baby brother to a car accident, he was my only sibling (we have 7 years of difference in age)  and it happened 4 years after we had lost our father.

 

When Dad died, we were far from imagining that we were going to have to go through such a tragedy, we somehow thought that we had had our share of pain since he had been sick for a very long time.

 

My brother died in a very sudden and brutal way, he went out with his best friend and never came back and since then life changed to never be the same anymore, I feel like part of me died and I for sure feel like I also lost my mother that day.

 

When it's just you and your brother, you expect your mother to look out to you, you expect somewhat a positive change because now it's just you and your mom, nothing can be stronger that that bond, but it wasn't the case for me: my mother stopped living and every single little thing became about her, her loss, her baby son. 

 

I am sure she knows that I'm hurting, I'm sure she knows I'm suffering but she never talks to me, she never brought up the subject.

 

She went and still is going through depression, I don't think she will ever get better, she often says that her life is over and that nothing could make her feel happy, she also says that no pain will beat this one and nothing can hurt her more than this, no matter what I do or say, she just doesn't see me, I'm completely invisible to her.

 

I don't want to make this about me, I know her pain is HUGE and that there's nothing more painful than the loss of a child but for this very same reason, I repressed my feelings and smothered my emotions to the point where I couldn't feel nothing, I didn't give myself the right to mourn the loss of my one and only brother, I never really cried or complained.

 

I didn't feel entitled to be sad because my mother had it worse and I pretended to be okay for a year, I got evolved with someone who helped me get through those months, but again I was pretending and I gave him the impression that I was perfectly fine, I refused to make him feel like he wasn't enough, I knew that feeling very well and it's really ugly.

 

A couple of months ago, everything came up to the surface, all of it at once, I started feeling overwhelmed, weak, insecure and scared and I still tried to hide it and fight it but this time I couldn't do it by myself so I just surrendered, I cried a lot and felt the need to be supported, but I was not...

 

Today I'm alone, I'm scared and depressed...there must be a way out but I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel

 

I need to be saved, I wanna believe that there is a miracle out there for me

 

[ishsay]

To Nassilia,

 

​I can understand what you're going through, I lost my older brother (only sibling) 

8 months ago, he was 24, I'm 22 and I also lost my mother as well with him. Her and I were best friends.

If you want to read about my story, I've posted one recently called "Am I the only one?"

 

I just want to tell you, DO NOT minimize your grief. Yes, losing a child is unbearable,

but in my opinion, losing a sibling, your only sibling at that is just as much tragic. 

This forum is 100% about your pain and your loss, you don't have to defend yourself here.

You and your brother's bond is something you can't get back and you deserve to fall apart about that. 

 

I'm seeing a therapist currently, I won't pretend to have it all figured out..

If I didn't have her to talk to, once a week, who knows where I would be. 

It breaks my heart that this happened to you, it's unfair and lonely.

I would try and keep your distance from people who are careless with their words

and all of the negative energy, even if that means keeping your distance from your mom..

Maybe just limit it to phone calls, here and there. You should see if there is a Compassionate Friends near you.

They have meetings for sibling loss, find people to talk to who won't minimize your sadness. 

 

I'm currently moving out from my roommates and getting an apartment by myself, 

I hate how alone I feel but at the same time I'm happiest by myself. 

Where I'm safe from judgment and people looking at me like I should be over my brother's death by now..

Once I'm living on my own, I'm planning on starting yoga, and going on walks, more writing.

I'm going to talk to my brother more, where ever I am..It seems as if when I talk to him,

It brings me comfort and I feel him there, listening..

I will be praying for you tonight, I wish you nothing but blessings.

 

 

[Nassilia]

I have also read and replied to your "am I the only one" post (before you replied which is crazy!!)

Thanks for your support.

Yes a lot of people make you feel like you should be ok by now, even when you barely complain or talk about your grief.

I can't be away from my mom, I couldn't leave her because I'm all she has but the more I'm around her, the more useless I'm feeling.

I HAVE TO get myself back together, it's a MUST, otherwise i'll just collapse and vanish.