Being the remaining sibling, the not enough one

[Nassilia]

Hello everybody,

 

A little over a year ago, I lost my 18 year old baby brother to a car accident, he was my only sibling (we have 7 years of difference in age)  and it happened 4 years after we had lost our father.

 

When Dad died, we were far from imagining that we were going to have to go through such a tragedy, we somehow thought that we had had our share of pain since he had been sick for a very long time.

 

My brother died in a very sudden and brutal way, he went out with his best friend and never came back and since then life changed to never be the same anymore, I feel like part of me died and I for sure feel like I also lost my mother that day.

 

When it's just you and your brother, you expect your mother to look out to you, you expect somewhat a positive change because now it's just you and your mom, nothing can be stronger that that bond, but it wasn't the case for me: my mother stopped living and every single little thing became about her, her loss, her baby son. 

 

I am sure she knows that I'm hurting, I'm sure she knows I'm suffering but she never talks to me, she never brought up the subject.

 

She went and still is going through depression, I don't think she will ever get better, she often says that her life is over and that nothing could make her feel happy, she also says that no pain will beat this one and nothing can hurt her more than this, no matter what I do or say, she just doesn't see me, I'm completely invisible to her.

 

I don't want to make this about me, I know her pain is HUGE and that there's nothing more painful than the loss of a child but for this very same reason, I repressed my feelings and smothered my emotions to the point where I couldn't feel nothing, I didn't give myself the right to mourn the loss of my one and only brother, I never really cried or complained.

 

I didn't feel entitled to be sad because my mother had it worse and I pretended to be okay for a year, I got evolved with someone who helped me get through those months, but again I was pretending and I gave him the impression that I was perfectly fine, I refused to make him feel like he wasn't enough, I knew that feeling very well and it's really ugly.

 

A couple of months ago, everything came up to the surface, all of it at once, I started feeling overwhelmed, weak, insecure and scared and I still tried to hide it and fight it but this time I couldn't do it by myself so I just surrendered, I cried a lot and felt the need to be supported, but I was not...

 

Today I'm alone, I'm scared and depressed...there must be a way out but I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel

 

I need to be saved, I wanna believe that there is a miracle out there for me

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Nassilia,

 

I am sorry for the loss of your brother and for the loss of your dad. My own sister died in 2003, and now my son passed in 2012. This is my second child loss.

 

A year is not really long at all in this grief journey as at that point you are still very much in shock.  In truth what you will learn is that there is no real getting "over" anything, that is a fallacy. You will learn to carry your brother with you in time. As much as you loved, will be as much as the grief. And that is okay.

 

As far as your mom, it is a very deep grief journey. She may post with us if she wants in the Loss of an Adult child section of this site.

 

http://forums.grieving.com/index.php/topic/41-loss-of-an-adult-child/?p=127702

 

Sending gentle thoughts today.