JeanMihalick

Yes, I HAVE changed

26 posts in this topic

Since my mom passed I've lost count of the times people have told me I've changed. Yes I have and I'll never be the same. I'm not the happy go lucky person I used to be. Something deep inside me changed that day. I've buried my mom, dad and step dad and they have all deeply affected me but my mom was by far the worst. My mom's mom died before I was born so I'm not sure how it affected her and never talked to her about it. Right now I just want to be left alone and stay in the shadows. I'm on depression meds but maybe I need a change. I find myself being so much more serious then I was. I do still laugh but it's not as often or as frequently.

Has anyone else gone through this? Do you ever go back to feeling how you did before?

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Hugs Jean

 

I have changed too!  I also find myself more serious than I was before.  So much joy is taken from us when we lose a mom or dad, or both.  A part of us goes when they leave us so of course we aren't going to see the same ... feel the same ... think the same.  BUT, that being said I've noticed some good changes within myself and maybe you have noticed the same.  One of them is the compassion that I now have for anyone who is going through a rough time.  Also, I have a much deeper love and appreciation for my parents than ever before.  I have always loved and appreciated them but even more now which is hard to believe.  I think it is because you never really can see or know what you've got until you don't have it any more.  Thanks for sharing this.

 

Cindy Jane

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Jean, I'm so sorry for you loss. Some of change and others doesn't affect them much. I know that I don't smile and laugh the way I used to. My mom passed recently on March 13 from a massive stroke. 

 

People don't seem to understand that when we lose your loved ones, we change, especially when we were close to them. I'm still grieving. There's not a day that passes by that I don't think of my mom. I'm like you Jean, I still smile and laugh but not as frequent.

 

I will always miss my mom. There are 6 siblings and I'm the only one that is taking it very hard. In the first month, they would tell me not to cry. But, that is the worse thing to tell someone that is grieving. We should grieve as long as we want and how we want. I don't think that my family know how to react when they see me cry.

 

I used to love gathering. I don't anymore. We were debating to have July 4th celebration (the day my grandmother died). A friends said that mom would want us to have it because we had it before. Why stop?! I guess so and we did.

 

I never seen someone die in front of me. The nightmare of seeing her gasp 3 times and then it was over. I cry every time I think about it.  

 

Jean, you have every right to grieve the way you want. Even if people tell you you've changed, they'll have to deal with it. This is the new me.

 

You did one thing right. You came to this site. It is wonderful. You can post anything you want. We laugh with you and cry with you. Many of us made friends here. Keep sharing! 

 

Here is a BIG HUG.

 

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Jean I can understand the change. It's like people just expect us to bounce right back. How can we bounce back when it feels like we have lost a part of ourselves? Lost a part of our heart? I know that we will get through this, but for those of us that have just gone through it then they can't expect a few weeks, a few months, or even a year to be enough time. We lost our parent for life not just for a short while. I am 31 and my dad was only 60. I figured that I still had a good 20-30 years with him and for it to be taken away in an instant? I'm pretty sure that everybody changes. I'm here if you want to talk.

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Hi everyone,

 

It's been almost 7 years for me, for my sister, and 3 for my dad.

 

I have changed but thankfully no one in my life expected me to be the same.

 

There have been times in the last month that I've thought about signing in and starting my own topic looking for comfort, because the loss is permanent and affects me in different ways at different times.  Today, I feel like I have a strength, compassion and a huge empowerment to live as a legacy for my lost loves.  Tomorrow, I may feel weepy and lost myself.  I have said and I will always say, the most important thing we can do for ourselves is be ok with whomever we turn out to be - in each moment.

 

Sometimes, I can find great happiness.  Sometimes, I feel the whimsical and playful girl I once was.  But I know that the only reason I can do that (now, I couldn't for a couple years) is because I allow myself to have the sad times.  I have a wonderful person who never makes me feel like it's wrong to feel so much sorrow.  This allows me the freedom to feel happiness in the next moment, if it's available to me.

 

It's a messed up journey, and I have determined it will be forever.  But being at peace with our insanity makes us sane.

 

Wishing you all peace.

 

<3

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Hugs to everyone here...it's been over 9 months for me and yet many times, it feels like it happened just yesterday.

 

It's hard to say how much it's really changed me, partly because so much else has been kicked into play. All I know is that i'm a lot sadder and a lot angrier than I've ever been. And worse yet, there is no real vent or outlet.

 

For one thing, I am beyond inundated. I have never gotten along with my father and now I'm stuck with him: something that makes me grieve all the harder for my mom. DEAR GOD, WHY COULDN'T IT BE HIM?  WHY IS THIS NEGLECTFUL POS AND CHEATER OUTLIVING MOM?  So whereas I took pride in cooking for mom, giving her meds, and tending to her, I resent my caretaking for my dad every step of the way as he never lifted a finger to help either me or mom. In fact, I hold him partially responsible for her tragedy as he more or less worked her to death, treating her with negligence and general callousness for much of their shared lives.

 

I hate how I have to cook for him and clean after him. I hate how I have to do all the finances--including his, because he's too stupid and unmanly to even pay his own bills. I hate how I had to spend 4 hours searching for him and walking him back to our house when he disobeyed my orders--that he not go beyond the sidewalk, particularly after his recent hospitalization.  I hate how all of this take much needed hours away from my own work; as it is, my mom's cancer delayed much of my book last year, but this is even worse. I hate how this house is turning into a bigger pig stye than ever because I can barely catch up with all I need to do.  WHY OH WHY?

 

All of this, of course, exacerbates my grief. In the good ol' days when I was stressed, mom was always around. She was there for me to confide in. She was there to relax with. To laugh with. Celebrate with. And what a wonderful person too: smart. Resourceful. Great sense of humor. Perceptive. Sensitive to detail. In other words, the complete reverse of my slow, stupid, boorish father. God, how I hated seeing him at the kitchen counter eating, oblivious to everything--all while mom's place at the counter was so conspicuously empty during the first few months. No wonder I've gotten to the point where I just eat earlier so I don't have to endure such a disgusting sight.  

 

Sometimes I wonder how much longer I'll last. There have been so many days I've found myself shaking with anger--so much that I couldn't concentrate on my work. Or so consumed by anxiety that I think I'll burst--like the past weekend when one of my cats got sick.  Then there are days when I am besieged by memories of my mom. It's hard to say which one exacerbates the other. The worst, though, is when I still can't sleep even after I am tired out. 

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Silverkitties, my heart goes out to you.  Caring for your dad on top of grieving for your mom and writing your book is too much for anyone to have to deal with. 

 

I've never had to care for someone I didn't like, so I don't know how that is, but I can imagine it's extremely difficult, because even caring for someone you like can be challenging.  

There is a thread on the subject on the following forum:

 

http://www.agingcare.com/Articles/taking-care-of-parents-you-dont-like-133510.htm

 

Is your dad acting oblivious to your suffering or is he actively criticizing you?  He may not have enough mirror neurons in his brain to experience the empathy that you expect him to have:

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/threat-management/201303/i-dont-feel-your-pain-overcoming-roadblocks-empathy

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours." -- Wayne Dyer

 

"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." -- Epictetus

 

"The possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react." -- George Bernard Shaw

 

When I don't know what to say, I quote somebody else.  :)

 

Can you afford to send your dad to an adult day care center?:

http://www.caregiverslibrary.org/caregivers-resources/grp-caring-for-yourself/hsgrp-support-systems/what-is-adult-day-care-article.aspx

 

My maternal grandmother who had Alzheimer's did well with adult day care until she fell down at home and fractured her hip.  She had a hired caregiver take care of her in the evening.  A reverse mortgage on her house helped pay for these services. 

 

My second cousin had to care for her mother with dementia at home for seven years before she died.  Her mother wasn't able to talk or do much of anything.  To save her sanity, she hired an Hispanic caregiver to take care of her mom during the day, so my cousin could have mental health breaks and run errands.  She was retired and living on a fixed income, but it was worth every penny to her.  

 

I strongly recommend signing up for a Meals on Wheels type senior meal delivery service.  You don't have to be poor to receive them.  Many middle class seniors enjoy them.  They're only one meal per day, but every little bit helps -- just pop them in the microwave.  Donations are encouraged but not required.   

 

I also suffer from insomnia, and it is the worst thing!  I had to wean myself off of sleeping pills (Ambien and Ativan), and now I take nothing.  Sometimes praying helps me to fall asleep.  Raw celery can help lower blood pressure and has a mild sedative effect. 

 

I recommend therapy if you can afford it.  Sometimes it takes several tries to find the right therapist. 

My brother recommended a Stephen Minister.  I haven't tried one yet, but they can be an understanding friend when you need someone to talk to and assist you with problems:

 

https://www.stephenministries.org

 

Hugs to you!

 

 

 

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Silverkitties, I really sympathize with you. It's not easy taking care of a parent. I think the grief on top of grief is taking. We say things that we don't mean. I have to admit that taking care of my mom was no easy task for me at all. I LOVE mom with all my heart. I'm with her 24/7. The hardest part of taking care of mom were the days she wouldn't go to sleep at night. She wouldn't take naps. The minute I would fall asleep, mom would call me to massage her leg, help her scratch or something not important. 

 

All it takes is calling me 4 times and I know I wouldn't get sleep. Many many nights I would have no sleep at all. I'd get up and make coffee and sit in front of the computer. I'd tell her to please go to sleep. Mom can call me up to 50-60 times. I minute I'd sit down down she'd call me. I did squats and walk back and forth to the room the whole night into morning. That was my exercise for the day. :wacko: 

 

During the day, I'd get about 2-3 hours of sleep. That is not enough sleep. I would hear mom call me when someone else (sister or sister-in-law) would tell her, "She's sleeping because you didn't let her sleep last night. Let her rest." 

 

I have to be the one to help her, "in her eyes". There could be all of us siblings in one room and she'd call me. I looked forward to the weekends when my siblings don't have to go to work. But, even then, sometimes it don't matter. It's always me me me. I can't even take a breather. Seriously! Times when I step outside just to get away for a minute, mom is looking for me. She'll tell me not to go outside....ask if I'll get lost.

 

Mom would constantly go to the restroom. I used to think, "How can one person pee so much?" I told the doctor and she gave her a low dosage of bladder meds. Her Dr didn't want to give her a high dosage. It didn't work.

 

Mom is wheelchair bound. I helped mom take a bath, cook, clean, change diapers, wash laundry and everything in between the sun....except take her to the doctor because I can't drive. I'm handicapped and I do more for mom than my siblings. I didn't get any help at all from any of my siblings until one day she went to the hospital. I didn't ask for help because I feel that I didn't need to ask. It should be automatic. It's their mother too. They should've seen that mom was in a wheelchair and I'm handicapped, yeah, maybe we should help out.....but, noooo.

 

There were many times that I wished I was dead because it was overwhelming. I didn't get to go out. The first time in 2 months to the grocery store was sense of a relief for a little while. Even though the times were rough, I would definitely do it again to have mom back. :( It's 3 more days until it's 4 months since she passed.

 

Oh, Silverkitties, I'm sorry you're going through this. Your cat's health, dad and your book. You don't need any more worries or grief.  

 

 

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Missionblue and MSN, thank you for your kind words...you don't know how much they mean to me right now. I was just complaining to my dad about our nasty ass Taiwanese community in Connecticut (yeah, phuck you if you're reading this, hypocritical East coast snots with your overpriced, overrated education--which has obviously been WASTED). Both of you and, really, so many here have provided me with so much that's valuable: compassion and empathy. For the last several weeks, this community has been the sole source of sanity for me: I repeat--one and only source.  Thank you too for your wonderful daily messages.

 

Missionblue, I cherish your wisdom and know deep down you are correct. You make more sense than anyone possibly can. But as you can imagine, I am feeling so overwhelmed and unraveled: I have anxieties about money, my career, life, my cats', my dad's (not necessarily in that order!) I have always been anxious, even before the death of my mother; but now everything seems so much more challenging as if multiplied by 10--not least, because back then I knew I could always be comforted by mom. And feel that she would be around forever since she looked so healthy. Well, we know how that turned out. 

 

As I mentioned, sometimes I'm not sure if the grief that exacerbates the stress or vice-versa. Believe it or not, I have rational moments every once in a while. But with everything that is going on in the nation, the scarcity of jobs, the uncertainty of retention, the poor state of health care, I worry so much. I feel as though we are squeezed to the last dime. We are still paying for mom's cremation, memorial service, food, entertainment, and holiday gifts to those who helped us. Then there's my dad's special diet because of his kidney failure; I am horrified by the cost of fresh produce, meat, and even baked goods. (After my mom's cancer, I've been too terrified to buy any processed food.)  Not to mention feeling so inundated by the dishwashing, cooking, and other chores--but knowing we don't have enough to hire a housekeeper or maid. Because of this uncertainty, I've been afraid to trade any more stocks--which was one of our sources of income. (My mom was so proud of this....Anytime I informed her of a profit in the hospital, she would look very happy.)  We still need to get the roof fixed before the winter so that it doesn't cave in entirely. To make things worse, we are spending so much on transportation. None of the dumb phucks in the Hartford area will help drive us even though they're all retired, live nearby, and are even active. Some of them already know how challenging it is for me to live with my dad but refuse to help in any way--not even a friendly call to see how we're doing.  There have been many times when I've wished they would call my dad to take him out since they're all seniors, but they must dread the prospect of giving us a ride to the groceries so much that they don't even send us news about the Taiwanese get togethers despite the fact that we paid our $20 dues to the kunt widow in charge of the organization (yes, the same kunt who told me that mom was fortunate to have lived for 82 years so I should be happy!)   I hope they suffer an accident, disease or death at least as painful as my mom's. I know my mom would never behave like that to anyone. If I ever see any of these snots in the grocery, I'm just going to pretend I don't see them at all. Yeah, that's right--"If you ever need any help, just call yada yada yada." Hypocritical assholes.

 

In the meantime, my dad is almost oblivious to these problems. Most of you are probably familiar with that scene in the Wizard of Oz where the Scarecrow is panicking because all of his pals are asleep in the poppy field? Well, that's what I feel like. Damn, I could really use a fairy godmother right now. LOL. 

 

So Missionblue, in answer to the question about finding a therapist, I'm afraid to use any dough right now--either for the therapist or the ride. I'll just have to rely on the suicide hotline when things get too intense. But thanks for the Meals on Wheels tip. I will do that as soon as the manuscript is sent off so I can clean up my kitchen and make it at least borderline presentable.

 

May, I am always in wonder at all that you did to help your mom when you were the one who was afflicted by a stroke. It's sad that your own siblings take you for granted.  

 

I know all too well what that experience is like: that's why I could barely work on my book last year. I felt so divided between reading my own source materials, reading about my mom's disease, and tending to her. Every time I thought I was settled in, she would call me. Then I'd take a breather. And just when I was getting settled again...well, you get the idea.

 

Ditto sleeping. She'd call me up to help her--and I would. Then right when I was beginning to settle down to sleep, she'd call me up again. I think I probably had no more than 4 hours of sleep. Then, of course, it's hard to concentrate the rest of the day when you don't have enough winks.

 

Yet, I'd really give anything to have her back again. At least, I had company and some understanding. Now I have nearly at least as much work, but no comfort. I know you probably feel the same about your mom too. Anything to have them back.

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May, you sacrificed so much for your dear mother.  She loved and trusted you the most.  You have earned your place in heaven! 

I found an article "Eight Tips to Managing Caregiver Guilt" by Dr. Vicki,  Here is an excerpt:
 

You may have feelings misaligned with the “Ideal You.” Feeling angry about the injustice of your loved one’s illness? You might even feel angry at your loved one for getting sick! Recognizing those feelings can produce a healthy dose of guilt. Yes, you may even feel guilty about feeling guilty.

“Why did my loved one get sick?” you may ask. Perhaps, if the “Ideal You” acted more often, your loved one would be healthy. What if you served more healthful meals? What if you called 911, instead of believing your husband when he said his chest pain was just “a little heartburn”?

If you’re the kind of person prone to guilt, learn to manage guilt so that guilt serves you rather than imprisons you. Here are eight tips for managing your caregiver guilt:

Recognize the feeling of guilt: Unrecognized guilt eats at your soul. Name it; look at the monster under the bed.
Identify other feelings: Often, there are feelings under the feeling of guilt. Name those, too. For example, say to yourself: “I hate to admit this to myself, but I’m resentful that Dad’s illness changed all of our lives.” Once you put it into words, you will have a new perspective. You will also be reminding yourself of how fortunate you are to have what it takes to take care of loved one.”

Be compassionate with yourself: Cloudy moods, like cloudy days, come and go. There’s no one way a caregiver should feel. When you give yourself permission to have any feeling, and recognize that your feelings don’t control your actions, your guilt will subside.

Look for the cause of the guilt: What is the mismatch between this “Ideal You” and the real you? Do you have an unmet need? Do you need to change your actions so that they align with your values?

Take action: Meet your needs. Needs are not bad or good; they just are. If you need some time alone, find someone to be with your loved one.

Change your behavior to fit your values: For example, Clara felt guilty because her friend was in the hospital and she didn’t send a card. Her guilt propelled her to buy some beautiful blank cards to make it easier for her to drop a note the next time.

Ask for help: Call a friend and say, “I’m going through a hard time. Do you have a few minutes just to listen?” Have a family meeting and say, “Our lives have been a lot different since grandma got sick. I’m spending more time with her. Let’s figure out together how we’ll get everything done.”

Revisit and reinvent the “Ideal You”: You made the best choices based on your resources and knowledge at the time. As you look to the future, you can create a refined vision of the “Ideal You.” What legacy do you want to leave? What values do you hold dear? Then, when you wake up in the morning and put on your clothes, imagine dressing the “Ideal You.” Let this reinvented “Ideal You” make those moment-to-moment choices that create your legacy.

Understand that you will be a more effective caregiver when you care for the caregiver first. Loved ones neither want nor expect selfless servants. As a caregiver, when you care for yourself, you increase and improve your own caring. Yes, guilt is part of caregiving, but this guilt can help you become the caregiver you and your loved one want you to be.

 

http://www.caregiver.com/articles/caregiver/managing_caregiver_guilt.htm

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Silverkitties, a Stephen Minister might be willing to take you to the store.  There is no charge and you don't have to entertain them inside your home.  You just have to be willing to let them pray for you and talk to you about Jesus Christ, but you don't have to join their church.  I'm sure a Stephen Minister would be more than willing to take you and your father out for a drive. 

 

I know how selfish people can be.  I've had my share of fair weather friends -- people who would come over without warning to visit my father and me whenever they wanted us to entertain them, at our expense, but once we started needing help, they were like rats deserting a sinking ship!  Just the same, sometimes we need to lower our pride and ask for help.  Most people are naturally lazy, so they need some encouragement to be good people.  If someone refuses then ask someone else, and if they're mean about it, then may karma bite them where it hurts, but give people a chance to show what they're made of.  Just because they don't offer, doesn't mean they're not willing to help.  And just because people offer the same old tired cliches to the bereaved, doesn't mean they don't sympathize.  Let your needs be known to the universe.  I know a few people who are very helpful towards their neighbors, but the problem is they're overextended.

 

I'm not crazy or anything, but desperate situations require desperate action.  When I was having severe money problems a couple of years ago, I tried just about everything I could think of, short of asking for help.  I even tried a magic money spell, which seemed to work.  I used the first full moon money spell listed on the following page:

 

http://www.khakani.com/freemagicspells/freemagicmoneyspells.htm

 

The next day I received $200 -- it was an early birthday present from an online friend I thought had stopped being my friend since I hadn't heard from her in many months.

 

The second time I used the spell, my cousin in NYC loaned me $4,000 -- something I really didn't expect at all.   I know it could just be a coincidence.  When I tried the spell when I didn't need money so badly, it didn't work, so there has to be a genuine, urgent need.  It's like the old Rolling Stones song, 'You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.'

Some people are probably rolling their eyes at this magic spell suggestion, but a lot of people put their faith in the stock market with worse results. I have a friend who used to be a millionaire and she lost all her investments in the stock market crash of 1987.  The wheel of fortune keeps turning for rich and poor, alike.

 

Here's another fun money spell:

 

http://www.keen.com/CommunityServer/UserBlogPosts/kittenit/Law-of-Attraction---Money-Spell--1/544923.aspx

 

More links that might be helpful:

 

THE NATIONAL FAMILY CAREGIVER SUPPORT PROGRAM:

 

http://www.ct.gov/agingservices/cwp/view.asp?a=2513&q=313064

 

Elder Care Services:

 

http://www.cthelpnet.org/
 

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Missionblue, I've not wanted to ask directly for help: but I've told them of the difficulties with my dad, leaving out any remarks on our financial circumstances. So far, I've let them know that I have been seriously stressed out with his lack of cooperation and that it's preventing me from doing my work as thoroughly as I should. The fact that my teaching is also only part time doesn't make things easier either.

 

Do you know that they've actually pressured me to learn to drive? Even though they know I am stressed beyond belief? And worse yet, even though they know what my dad is like? That's why I hate those phucks. If I were to learn now, that would be one more burden. I would be liable to have a serious accident. If any of their kids were single, grieving, and under the gun to finish a book, would they suggest the same? I highly doubt it.

 

Yesterday, my dad asked one of them if he could drive us. You know what he answered? Why don't you get your daughter to drive? My dad just replied she can't. I got so furious at him. Why couldn't he bother to tell him that I was already breaking point particularly since I'm still working on this book and doing all the chores? So after yelling at him for an hour (I've lost my voice today) I made him call up and explain. I think my dad did not want to say anything because he doesn't want to admit that I have a book contract while he doesn't and he's also too chicken **** to ever defend me.

 

Meanwhile, the other person didn't bother to call us back. I think he's afraid my dad might ask him out to lunch again and he'd have to "waste time" even though he's retired and we've treated him whenever we go out.

 

This is what I deal with every day. If it's not one thing, it's another. But there's always something to drive me crazy. The only question now is when will I finally snap. 

 

Anyway, I curse EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM. 

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Silverkitties, as a person who also doesn't drive, I understand exactly how you feel.  People who drive take that skill for granted.  I was talking to my neighbor and she said I could learn to drive in a week. 

 

I understand the frustration and resentment you feel.  I've been there.  This is why I now do Safeway Delivery for most of my groceries.  My father once loaned my half brother $15,000, interest free, to help get him out of credit card debt.  All we asked was that he take me to Costco once a month.  He kept putting off the monthly trips to Costco.  When people need groceries, they need groceries, it's not something that can be put off indefinitely.  So that's when I started doing Safeway Delivery and it's so much nicer not to have to depend on anyone for rides to the supermarket.  We were always generous with giving anyone who took us shopping $20 for gas, lunch or dinner, and oftentimes free grocery items.  One friend stopped answering the phone and stopped coming around, after only taking me to the supermarket twice.  This was after many years of entertaining her here and making free slideshow dvd's of her grandchildren for her.  We did have one cousin who was happy doing us the favor, for gas money, a meal and free grocery items, but she died in 2007.  Another cousin by marriage took me shopping every Friday, until she divorced my cousin and moved away.  In the old days, my great uncle would take me and his widowed sister to the supermarket for free, God bless him!  All he asked was a home-cooked meal and some friendly conversation.  He knew the value of family members helping each other.  People today are too spoiled and selfish.

 

I have a good friend back east who also doesn't drive.  She has the same problem as we do getting rides from friends to the store, even though she gives them gas money and treats them to dinner.  People just don't want to be bothered.  I guess they don't need the money or the free food, and yet one friend who didn't want to be bothered taking her to the bank, crashed her car when she was rushing to get half price coffee at Starbuck's before 6 pm.  I guess that was karma in action again.  They should outlaw sales with time limits like that, because some people go crazy to save a few dollars but not to earn them.

 

I know your dad has done a lot of things that infuriate you, but yelling at him is not good for either of you.  He sounds kind of shy.  At least, he tried to make the call for you.  I'm sure it wasn't easy, because he has a lot of pride, too. 

 

I strongly encourage you to try a Stephen Minister.  Let me know how it goes, if you do.  I might try one, too.

 

Here are some testimonials of people who were helped a lot by Stephen Ministers:

 

 

 

Men are paired with men; women with women.

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Again, what you say makes perfect sense, Missionblue. Over here, we rely on Peapod deliveries. My problem is that they always seem to miss something on my order: which means I have to go out. 

 

I suppose one day I may find it in me to forgive my father. I do know that when his father passed in 1982, I had absolutely no feeling at all; it was like a total stranger died. At that time I resented my father's constant gifts of money to him such that I was not able to attend my first choice college even though I got in. I resented that so many of my friends had trust funds from their grandparents; and that in our case, the situation was exactly reversed since we were spending money on them--or rather, for their vacations. (If they were dirt poor, that would be one thing.) The fact that he encouraged my father's affair didn't help either.

 

I was already sad and angry before my mother died. Her death has only heightened the intensity of these very feelings without any buffer. I think of all those happy, uncaring a$$holes in our Taiwanese community with their kids and families and wish them pain and suffering galore. Today, I've already spent considerable time preparing breakfast and lunch for dad in addition to ordering groceries; and later on, I will have to do dinner and his laundry.I have barely had a chance to do any editing today, let alone write the final section. 

 

Try as I might, this resentment is going to burn in me for some time to come.  I'm not worried about my dad having a heart attack or stroke--I'm worried about having one myself. I don't even have any alcohol here to wash away the pain since no one has taken us shopping. My brain is ready to explode. 

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Silverkitties, I really feel for you. I'm crying with you as I'm reading your posts. Even though I'm not in your shoes, you probably feel alone like you've never felt before, I don't know the pain you're going through, the worrying, the anger towards everyone around you, but I sincerely sympathize with you. 

 

You mentioned that your dad gets you very upset and frustrated, you having anxiety attacks that sometimes you shake and just everything on your plate, I'm afraid it's going to damage you healthwise. You can have a stroke from this. Have you checked your blood pressure? Like my sister, for example, she always yelled for everything. She yells because family won't lift a finger to help with anything. Her husband is lazy and won't do anything around the house. Their house looks like they're hoarders. It's her fault too. She's lazy too. I always helped her clean her house counless of times. We helped her clean and it would soon be a mess again. We helped her clear her garage and it's back to the way it was with no space to walk. So, why help her anymore waste my time. Anyways, she developed high blood pressure. She was a walking time bomb. 

 

I think MissionBlue's idea to try Stephen Ministry would be very good for you and your dad. Give it a try. I don't want anything to happen to you or your dad. I reviewed the website and it sounds promising. 

 

MissionBlue, I'm going to try the money spell. It interesting! It wouldn't hurt to try, right?! I want to win the lottery. Never know. You can be talking to the next lottery winner. I will share it with you guys if I win....if that's alright with you.  :) 

 

Silverkitties, you and I both, would have our moms back with no second thoughts. No matter how challenging or hard it was, I would definitely have mom back.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Silverkitties, I agree with MSN87, your blood pressure could be high.  My BP has been up since my father's death, and it used to be fine.  Raw green celery (no brown spots) can lower blood pressure quickly and has a mild sedative effect.  I have seen celery lower my dad's BP and my own by 30 points in ten minutes.  Don't knock it 'til you try it.  I have a friend who used to get upset at work a lot, until she discovered that she had high blood pressure.  Once she was on BP medication, she felt much better. 

 

It seems to me that your father was trying to buy his father's approval.  It is terribly unfair what he did to you and your mother.  Your feelings are justified, but he's with you now and he needs you.  I hope he has made a living trust for you.  It's the least he can do for you at this point.  He could literally go at any minute.  Any of us can go at any minute, like my able bodied brother who fell down the stairs at home.  If he doesn't have a trust for you, then that's the better reason to be angry as hell at him, but he's not going to do one for you if you're yelling at him.  He might even change it, if he has one already, so be careful for your own good!  Someone else might change it for him, like what happened to my friend.  Her younger brother, the successor trustee, changed her parents' trust on her mother's deathbed.  He also collected her life insurance before she was dead!  She and her sister lost their share of their parents' fortune and it was BIG -- big enough for everybody but the greed of her brother is insatiable.  He got away with it, because his father didn't want to put his son in jail.  There is so much treachery within families, it's not funny.  Never take anybody's love or good will for granted. 

 

A neighbor disinherited her only granddaughter and niece, because of undue influence by her caregiver.  A nurse who was caring for her got her house and her car.  It happens all the time. The neighbor was a nice lady but she was mad at her niece for snubbing her one time.  Even good people hold grudges.  On the other hand, I have a friend who works in a doctor's office and one of the patients left her $18,000 in his will, just because she was nice to him and his nephew didn't pay attention to him.  All my friend did was serve him a cup of tea now and then, and listen to him as he waited in the waiting room.  It pays to be nice in this world.  My friend has a temper, so she's not always nice, but she was nice at the right time in the right place. 

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Good luck, May!  I'll share my lottery winnings with you and Silverkitties, if I win.  I should try those money spells again myself. :)  Unfortunately, the next full moon is not until July 31st -- it's a blue moon!  Too late for my trip to Cache Creek casino this Wednesday.  I should have cast the money spell on July 2nd, the last full moon. 

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Thank you so much, Missionblue and MSN. I was just able to settle down to work 2 hours ago.

 

Missionblue, your stories are the stuff of news stories and dramas: they do indeed happen. Anytime you hear of a celeb or socialite death, they always pop up. I think it's a reason why the best thrillers and suspense novels are written by lawyers--or the legally trained.  They see it all the time! My dad has never wanted to write a will. This may be because we don't have a great deal and I'm his only child. My mom was of that opinion too; they both figured it was more trouble than it was worth. Whether my dad has other reasons, I don't know. As you know, I don't trust him, period.

 

But I told mom that if anyone from abroad ever tries to challenge me, I will scratch their eyes out. I mean it. At this point, my life isn't worth much to me and if I have the satisfaction of scratching out their eyes and breaking every single bone in their body, I would do it. They've taken enough from me and my mom. And I will always avenge mom. Lizzie Borden has nothing on me, LOL! 

 

In the meantime, I will try the money spell. But gotta get some green and white candles first! MB, best of luck to you at Cache Creek. Maybe it'll be Cash Creek by the time you're through:)

 

May, I have not measured my BP yet....don't really want to know right now. But I try will the celery as suggested by MB: I think I also read somewhere a few years ago that celery is good for declogging. And btw, so are apples and watermelon. In fact, I noticed that after feeding my dad the latter, his BP went down 10 points! I'm basically trying to follow his low-salt diet too--except for one slice of pizza in the morning. Zapping pizza in the microwave is the only thing I have time for.  

 

And I think once this part of the writing is done, I will feel a little better. I'm planning to spend a whole week cleaning the house, one room at a time. Maybe my head will feel a little clearer once this place looks more like a home than pig stye.

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Yes, I agree with you MissionBlue, we can go at anytime. Human are so fragile. One minute you're here and you could gone the next.

 

My sister-in-law saw on the Chinese cable that was interesting. I'm not too sure was it a religious program or what. They said that everyone with an illness were born with it. If a person, e.g., has cancer, heart attack, stroke or whatever illness, it's "written" in that person's life. If you don't have a family medical history and you're the only one who has cancer, it was meant to be. Am I making any sense? 

 

I have some questions that I sometimes wonder about? I sometimes wonder about a person's death date. I'm not a religious person. I hear that God has a plan for us. Why do so many people have to experience a lot of suffering before death? If our lives were planned by God, why does God plan to have somebody kill another human being? 

 

Good Luck on your trip. You'll probably win big like that other time in Vegas. You know, my mom told me that it's bad luck to pat someone's back or shoulders when they're gambling. I don't know if that's what the Chinese believe or it's something she made up. Don't know.

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Thank you, May.  I didn't know that about patting someone on the back when they're gambling.  However, I have heard that it's good luck to pat a hunchback on the back.  I don't think they would like it though.

Good questions, May!  To my understanding, God does not plan our lives for us and he certainly does not plan any murders.  He lets us make our own plans and decisions, because we have free will.   Nothing is predetermined -- there are just probabilities.  One can have certain diseases and birth defects encoded in our DNA, but they don't always manifest.  It all depends on randomness, our lifestyle choices and our environment. Everything that happens is a combination of causation and randomness.  Randomness occurs in natural events even down to the cellular and molecular level which sometimes causes genetic mutations that produce illness and birth defects.  Some mutations are caused by environmental pollutants, stress and/or lifestyle choices.  Ignorance is the biggest problem facing mankind, because it causes a lot of bad choices.
 

God's plan refers to the afterlife and how to obtain eternal life.  God created the universe and human beings, because God wants us to love him.  God doesn't reveal himself directly to us, because it would blow our minds.  So in order for us to love him, he wants us to love each other, since God is in all people.  He didn't want people to be angels or to act solely on instinct like animals.  He gave people intelligence and free will so they could freely choose to love him or not.  Only love that is freely given has any meaning -- God doesn't want us to be robots programmed to love him.  Unfortunately, free will means that people can also choose to do bad things.  Some people choose to love "things" more than God -- things like money, power, sex, drugs and luxury.  Some human beings choose to act according to their animal nature, which is why they kill people for profit, revenge, or just for the sense of power it gives them.  Some killers are mentally ill for various reasons, such as drugs, heredity, eating too much sugar (Twinkie defense) or because they were violently abused as children.  Motivated by greed and warfare, corporations and nations have chosen to pollute the world with chemicals that make people sick.  Greed makes hospitals and insurance companies choose not to help some people to get well as much as they could.  Some arrogant doctors even make fun of their patients.  Nurses in hospitals laugh through the night while patients are trying to sleep.  This is because some people care only about their own happiness.  This was not God's plan.  It's man's plan to exploit his fellow man for his own gain.  The need for more energy and more destructive weapons has filled the world with toxic radiation,  Manufactured chemicals contaminate water and crops, and deplete the protective ozone layer.  When good scientists like Nicola Tesla tried to create free energy for the whole world, funding was withdrawn, because it wasn't profitable.
 

The good news is that there are people who choose to love their fellow man and to do good in the world,   Through compassion, science and education, new ways are being found to alleviate suffering and to prolong life, but it's a constant struggle between the forces of good and evil. Sadly, death cannot be avoided entirely. All have sinned, because all people are imperfect creatures, and the penalty for sin is death.      

Sin is when people choose not to love God -- God is in all people.  This is why Jesus said "that which you do unto the least of my brethren you do unto me".   We come into the world in pain and we leave it in pain.  For most people, birth and death are painful.   The story of Adam and Eve is an allegory to teach about free will and the punishment for sin.  God made the law and he can't break his own law, because he is perfect, so someone had to pay the penalty for sin.  Only God himself could pay for our sins, but a divine being cannot die.  Therefore, God had to become a human being.  Jesus Christ is this human being who is both God and a man.  He redeemed the world when he suffered, died on the cross, and then rose again.  Unfortunately, while the current world still exists, people still have to suffer and die, but on Judgment Day good people will be granted eternal life.  The old world will pass away and a new world will take its place where there will be no more suffering or death.  Even animals won't have to suffer anymore.  The lion will lie down with the lamb.
 

God has given us the freedom to make our own decisions and to solve our own problems through knowledge, wisdom and understanding.  God just asks us to keep his commandments.  Jesus said the greatest commandment is to love one another.  The day may come when people will learn how to live together in peace and harmony or they will destroy themselves.  Only God knows what will happen to the world in the end.  God wants people to participate in his creation -- to create a better world, but it takes many generations of people to do this.  Each generation builds on the knowledge and insight of previous generations.  Without death, the gene pool would remain stagnant and human beings would not evolve into a higher form.  Imagine how savage cave men were compared to people today.  Things are slowly getting better, but the presence of evil, which is a consequence of free will, continues to cause horrible things to happen like wars, crime and persecution.  The New Jerusalem will be a new civilization that is free from terror and full of peace and prosperity.

 

Some Christians think that just believing in Jesus Christ and that he rose from the dead is their ticket to heaven.  I think this is why there are so many people who call themselves Christians who don't really care about helping other people.  However, other Christians, such as Catholics, believe that people can attain salvation through both faith and good works.  This is why the Catholic church is the largest charitable organization on Earth. 
 

I'm not sure what happens to people who are evil.  The bible says they go to hell, and at the end of the world will be cast into a lake of fire, but not everything in the bible is true -- a lot of it is metaphorical, written in a way for people of biblical times to understand it.  Lucky for us, God is good and merciful.  He sees the goodness in everyone -- even in atheists.  God gives his spirit to all people.  Some bad people have done good things, and that should count for something.  So I think the concept of purgatory makes sense.  It's a temporary state of being in which souls suffer for their sins, to cleanse them so they can enter heaven.  This is only necessary if they didn't die in a state of grace.  People enter a state of grace by repenting of their sins before they die.  Purgatory is not to be feared, because the soul realizes that suffering is of no importance compared to the chance to experience the divine presence which is more pure and light-filled than anyone can imagine.  Hell would be a place where there is no hope to see God, and that's kind of extreme, in my opinion.
 

As an agnostic, I don't know what to believe, but this is what I have been taught in Catholic school and some things I've read.  It's really hard to distinguish myth from truth when considering any of the religions of the world.  I just read something I didn't know about the first landing on the moon.  Before astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin emerged from the spaceship, Aldrin pulled out a Bible, a silver chalice, and sacramental bread and wine. His first act on the moon was to celebrate communion.   When John Glenn observed the heavens and earth from the windows of Discovery, he declared: "To look out at this kind of creation and not believe in God is to me impossible. It just strengthens my faith."  Astronaut Edgar D. Mitchell once said, “You develop an instant global consciousness, a people orientation, an intense dissatisfaction with the state of the world, and a compulsion to do something about it. From out there on the moon, international politics look so petty. You want to grab a politician by the scruff of the neck and drag him a quarter of a million miles out and say, ‘Look at that, you son of a bitch.”
 

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Thank you, MissionBlue, for the explanation. I now have a better understanding how God's plan works.

 

Two more days and counting....... 

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Sorry my explanation was so long!  I got carried away researching about the afterlife, because naturally, I want to know if I'll see my father again.  Some people think the dead are "asleep" until Judgment Day and some think they go straight to heaven.  How can anyone know who is right?  I think it's wonderful that you sense your mom's presence.  I wish I had something comforting like that.  I only see my dad in dreams.  I dreamed about him last night again, but can't remember the details.  I cried last night and again this morning.  I hope I will have some good news soon.  Take care.....

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No problem, MissionBlue! You gave me lots of good examples and that's good. 

 

Yes, I used to dismiss the thought when I smelled mom, the touch and hearing her voice because no one would believe me. I kept it to myself at the beginning. And besides I thought that I was imagining it. Until someone posted recently here and I did more readings about. Then, I started realizing it's actually true.

 

I never knew that there was a topic on ADC's , Visions & Dreams on this site until recently. It's very interesting what they post. I had two dreams about mom but, I can't remember anything about it.

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The op Jean asked if we have changed and my answer is yes, I have changed a lot since my dad died.  I feel like my real life has ended and now I'm just existing.  I can still smile and laugh but the things that used to give me pleasure don't as much as they used to.  I have regained my appetite, and it's one of the few pleasures I have left, but when I eat something delicious, I wish my father could taste it.  For example, I recently discovered Peruvian food, and I wish that my father could have enjoyed it, but I didn't know it was so good until after he died.  Staying home as much as I did, I wasn't able to try many restaurants, except the ones that deliver which wasn't much of a selection.  Now there's a service called OrderAhead which delivers from restaurants that even Waiters on Wheels doesn't deliver from.  Why didn't they have this when my father was alive!!!   His diet was so bland on account of his CHF, there wasn't much restaurant food he could safely eat, but I feel there is so much I would have done differently back before he had CHF.   As I get closer to my casino trip tomorrow, it kills me that I can't take my dad with me.  I wish so much that we could have gone to casinos together, especially Las Vegas.   I went to Vegas only once and had the time of my life, but my dad didn't go, because he wanted to watch the house.  We only got to gamble together a couple of times at Reno and Lake Tahoe that I can remember about thirty years ago.  He never got to go to Las Vegas or the Indian casinos, because we didn't like flying after 9/11 and because there was no one we could trust to watch our house.  My neighbor's house got burglarized when they went on vacation, even though the house has a sophisticated alarm system and a neighbor was supposed to be watching it for them.  Some valuable paintings were stolen.  This regret about not taking my dad to the casinos is torturing me.  On the other hand, maybe we would have lost our shirts.   I know I should think more positive.  I used to be quite an optimistic, cheerful person most of the time.  I can still laugh and smile, but not from happiness, mostly from irony.    

 

Today I am working on a tribute slideshow for my Aunt Lucy who is turning 90 tomorrow.  As I was trying to select music for the slideshow, I started to cry again, because I was reminded of the beautiful music my dad loved and which we used to listen to together for the last 55 years.  That's why I had to take a break and come here.   In the last six months, I have not listened to much music at all, except the bumper music that plays on a local talk radio station   This is a huge change for me, because music used to be an integral part of my life.  I still can't play the piano -- I don't even want to try (I play by ear like my father).  I also rarely turn on the tv.  I have watched only about three movies since my dad died, because it's too sad to watch movies without him.  We used to watch at least one movie together every day.   It's still too painful knowing that we'll never listen to music together or watch another movie together again.  Music and movies were our life.  I still find myself thinking if I had played more cheerful music or an upbeat movie his last day at home, he might still be alive.  I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help it.  I wish there were a therapist who could cure me of this, but they all tell me it's normal to grieve deeply for a parent.  

 

For most people nostalgia is a coping mechanism, but for me it's painful.  In the old days, nostalgia used to be considered a symptom of a disease called melancholia   Looking at old pictures doesn't make me feel happy -- it makes me feel sad that I can't go back in time to when I was happy with my loved ones.  I know grief isn't an illness, but it sure feels like one.  I am waiting for that time when I'll be able to watch movies, look at old photos and listen to my dad's favorite music without feeling sad.

 

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