Dad died June 4th 2015, I'm 14

[i dont know]

   Only 50 days ago I found out my father had stage 4 lung cancer.

   I had always been more attached to my father, I was a daddy's girl. I came to him for everything. I spoke to him every single day, and told him about my day in great detail, and he would listen to my rants about my mother, and rant about her too.

   You see, she left him and broke his heart, then went back like 4 years ago and left him again. She has been in abusive relationships, and she has a drinking problem.

   All of my problems became less of a problem once I spoke to dad. He made me feel better, and I could tell him anything. 

   But in the past year, year and a half, mom had had a new relationship, with a new guy. He had a kid a year younger than me, with whom I had grown extremely close too. They would take me and my younger sister away for a day all the time, and often times, come between me and my father without realizing it. 

   Because mom and dad lived with each other even after they split this last time, she had her boyfriend move in here. So, while they took us on adventures my dad stayed home alone. 

   One New Years Eve, I wanted to stay at home, with dad. But mom forced us to go to his house. My dad had gone to the store and bought snacks and everything...we were going to watch the ball drop and watch stupid late night television like we had the year before. But Mom had made us go to his house, even though I cried about it all day that day. I told dad I wanted to stay home but mom made us go. I still feel so guilty that that one memory makes me cry. 

   Over the past year, we grew apart, I was getting older, I could no longer tell him everything that happened at school- I mean, I had crush's on boys now and I had even asked one out without permission, I couldn't tell him that. Our conversations became shorter and shorter, despite my growing guilt. 

   SO MANY times dad had offered to give me a ride to my friends house, double checked and triple checked. But I thought it was burdensome towards  him, so I had Ed do it, mom's boyfriend. In retrospect rereading those texts I realize he wanted to give me a ride he wanted to talk to me in those short five minute rides but I refused, not realizing he might have wanted to give me a ride.

   And then he got a blood clot in March, late march, and sure, he was in pain but stuff didn't change too much, he still called me his sh**head, and texted me every night, and I still came into his room and would rant about mom and ed, and he would agree with me. He still spoke to me about art and my future, he just was in pain.

   then 50 days ago, I got the dreaded news, that he had stage 4 lung cancer. Mom and Dad had grown close within the time when they found out and when I did. They found out almost two months before me. They assured us he would have a few more years, that they would knock the cancer down a few notches and put it into remission and he'd be fine for a little while. But then just a few weeks later, the doctors said, about 6 months. That was hard. I had hoped on a few years. 

   But one day, before we were totally aware of how brittle his bones were (The cancer spread pretty much everywhere) he fell trying to leave the bathroom, and I was the only one there. He said he was okay, and he was up by the time I got there, but a few days later we were told he broke his left hip, and he had a little less than 6 months to live. Now, I thought they meant 5 or 4 or something like that, but it was actually only a few weeks. Because he died on June 4th 2015 at 4:23ish pm, and I was called out of school early. I didn't know what to say to my father as his spit was making gurgling noises and his breathes shook the bed. I didn't know what to say as his hands pulled back from us and as his mouth hung open forming an oval shape, i didn't know what to say when his eyes were open only slits and didn't blinkand only the whites were shown. What do you say when the person you love most in the world won't hold your hand? Between sobs I told him I loved him, and I told him the story about how when I was little he told me when people die they become stars and look down on us living, and then my grandma who wouldn't leave the room told me that the story was not appropriate. So I left and said more to dad than her, that I'd be in the other room. A few minutes later, when my aunt was speaking, I popped in quickly and leaned over him, hovering and touched his arms gently and told him that I loved him. I left without another word. 

     But I didn't tell him it was okay. I was suposed to but I couldn't because it isn't. But I kept him here suffering with every second because I was too scared to say it was okay to die. ANd once my mom told him that it was okay, and that me and my sister would be taken care of, he took two breaths and died. I wasn't there during his last breath, but I was there soon after, hyperventilating and sobbing uncontollably.  After several minutes I gained control, because there was already too much I couldn't control, I wasn't going to let my crying be another thing i couldn't gain control of. 

   And then he was gone. I don't feel his presence. I don't feel him looking down on me. But about a half hour after he died, I looked at him, and when I left the room I heard him say "mad", aka, the thing he called me to get my attention short notice. I looked back in, but his mouth still hung open the same, his eyes wouldn't close. His skin yellow, like it was before his death, because his kidneys and stuff, pretty much every surrounding organ had cancer in it and didn't function to his full potential. 

   But since then, I have to imagine what he would say, I have to make myself wonder what he would say, most often it being "Dumbass" and smacking my arm playfully, or his long drawn out sigh that really didn't mean anything like people thought it did. 

   Why does it only get harder as time progresses?

   I'm so worried about the future- what's going to happen if he's not here, I get anxiety so bad at this point that I can barely stand it. I've always had anxiety, thanks to my mother. 

   Mom doesn't think I should have meds to regulate my anxiety, she thinks i need to handle it on my own. 

  The attacks are short and not too strong, but enough to give me jitters. I can tell when I'm going to get one two, because I need to move and shake my leg or something. 

  He only died 11 days ago, at the age 57.

[sad&lonely]

Firstly sorry for your loss, losing a parent is so tough, I've lost both mine now and I'm 35. You are still so young, im sure your dad would want you to try and enjoy your life. Give your self time, time to heal time to pull yourself together, go see a doctor if you feel it would help with the anxiety, be kind to yourself

We are all here to listen and chat to.

Hang in there x

[Love of Boston Terriers]

:rolleyes:Sorry for your loss< you hang in there and talk to a school teacher that you are close to or a friends parent who you have confidence in.Someone who you are comfortable with and can share your feelings. it is ok to cry, it cleanses the soul and makes things clearer like rain washes away the dirt. you are so young I feel your pain and it is ok to be sad as you were so close to your dad. Please do not feel guilty as you have been pulled in two different directions and you are still a child. Always remember people are watching over you and you can reach out to most adults for help. don't keep it bottled up inside, your dad is looking down at you & proud you reached out for some support. always here for you  Love of Boston Terriers

[spencerreid]

My mom was 52, the healthiest and most gorgeous woman I've ever met, and if only I would have told her that before her passing, and I'm 14 as well. I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm still going through the grieving process too. It's been 7 weeks. I'm going through the "anger and rage" stage now, since the doctors said they could t do "anything" to help her. I call bs, because I've seen her same case before and they survived.

[lydiaellejay]

Hi Sweetheart,

 

I am really sorry to hear this. If you ever want to reach out to someone then I am here for you. My dad died very suddenly on the 9th March this year, I won't even pretend to understand how tough it is for you, although I am only 19 I imagine that you feel stripped of many things. At the same time I will not share my huge story with you as I imagine you are reaching out for help, support and to feel normal in a universe that has handed you a painful card. So again if you ever wish to reach out and ask me anything then please do. I also write here https://believement.wordpress.com/and I have found positive responses. All my love x