Almost 2 months since my husband died

[Castiana]

My husband passed away april 10th of this year. He had been gone all week on a business trip and came back that friday around lunch time. I was so happy so see him back home, monday morning when he had left we had gotten into an argument and i spent the whole week just waiting for him to come home so i could hug him again. i remember feeling so bad the whole time he was gone. And so when he got back home i was so happy, gave him the biggest hug and we kissed and what not. I remember him asking for some tea, he had starting coughing really bad and i just told him "hey you dont sound too good, maybe you should get that checked tomorrow at the clinic" gave him his cup of tea, went to take a shower, few minutes later i came out and he was still coughing and pacing, then i hear this really weird sound coming from the living room and went to check. I found him on his knees slumped over the couch his arms just  lifeless by his side and he was choking, just gasping for air, he couldnt breathe. i grabbed him and held him and shook him and kept screaming whats wrong. I opened his mouth and this stuff was just frothing out, so i laid him on his side and ran for the phone. by the time i came back and held him in my arms again and dialed 911 he stopped breathing completely and i was on the phone with the paramedics and just saw his eyes go dark and his skin completely change. they told me to do cpr and i tried, but it was a horrible sound and just more stuff coming out, and it wasnt working. they worked on him for a long time, the sheriff and tons of officers had me outside surrounded, i had never seen so many people inside or outside my house. they kept saying they were going to try a bunch of different things but i knew it was too late. I saw it on his face the moment he was gone from me. i felt it when i held him. And its the most horrifying thing i've even been trough. every time i close my eyes, thats what i see. i dont even remember the paramedic holding me when i was screaming after he told me there was nothing left to do. i dont remember going back into the house and just collapsing next to him. all i could see and still see is the last seconds i had with him in my arms. 

Its been almost two months now, and it feels like the world is moving around me and im completely numb, i cant feel the sun or the air, all i feel is empty and cold. He was my world, even though we had so many years difference. He was my hero. The smartest and most wonderful person i have ever known. And now he is just gone, and i have so many things to take care of and so little time to do it al. Its so horrible. I moved to the states after years of working on immigration, we were supposed to have years ahead of us to live our lives together, start a family, explore the world. And now its all been ripped away and i feel like my should died when he passed away. Its just a big hole that hurts so much.

People come by, they try to help, but they dont know what to say and so they just tell me ill be fine, it will pass. They dont understand how much it hurts. And i dont have anyone to talk to about it, they all get weirded out about it, uncomfortable. 

I cant get that moment out of my head, and at night its the worse.

I should have seen something was wrong when he got home that day, should have seen from the pictures he had sent from when he was hanging out with his coworkers that he didnt look right, he was all swollen and thats not normal for him at all. i should have told him to go see someone there when he started complaining about a weird cough and trouble breathing, though he blamed it to the high heat and humidity that he wasnt used to and just dismissed it. i just wish i could have seen it sooner, and called sooner. Maybe if they had gotten him to the hospital sooner they could have done something. His heart just stopped. massive heart attack. and we never knew he was sick. i wish i could have taken better care of him, told him more often how i loved him so much, stopped nagging as often as i did. I feel so horrible for being mad at him when he flew out to work. i hate his work for taking those last days away from us. 

i dont know what to do

[MMarek]

I know exactly how you feel. I loss my husband 3 weeks ago today. The grief and pain is unbearable at times. Words cannot describe the emptiness loneliness and heartache of losing a spouse. I've had people say to me "it'll get better". I disagree it will never get better but I know it will get easier. People mean well but unless they have suffered this loss they can never truly understand. The worse comment said to me was from sister in law who coldly said "oh you'll adjust" I was in disbelief but ignored her painful remark and focused on the people who really care for me. I too have a harder time at night I can only guess its that way for us because the nights are when you snuggle and talk about stuff only couples discuss. I feel like I'm walking around in a dream and I'm waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I don't want to go to family functions because I don't want to be around other couples I don't want my family or friends trying to cheer me up or act differently because I'm there and I don't want anyone's pity.I go to work to distract myself but if it wasn't for work I probably wouldn't leave the house or get out of bed.I wonder everyday what am I supposed to be doing? I dont see sunshine or the beauty around me. I have found that talking to others who are suffering as we are helps and I do have a strong faith. God's grace comforts me and there are times I cry out "why". I may never know why but I do know He gives me peace so I continue to pray and believe my husband is at peace. I pray that you and I and others suffering from this loss continue to be comforted and find others to express their feelings to.

[HeyJude]

To both you ladies, my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your beloved husbands.  I lost my husband 2 /12 years ago.  I can't believe its been that long.

 

What have I learned along this journey of grief?  I learned that no one can even come close to understanding what we are feeling unless they have experienced the same loss.  Unfortunately grief is a very personal journey that we all take individually.  There are no right or wrong ways to work through it.

 

Both of you, your grief is new, it is still very very raw and hurts to deeply.  I've been very lucky actually, I have been able to get through this and I currently have a new boyfriend in my life.  I was married for 33 years.  That isn't something you can just sweep under the rug.  I too went through all the guilt feelings of I should have been nicer to him, blah blah blah.  That is all part of the grieving process.  It took me about two years to break through to the surface and now I feel normal and happy again.  You just have to work through this the best that you can.  Some never make it out.  Not saying that is the case with you.  You can only do the best that you can do.  Just please, think about what your husbands would have wanted for you.  And they really are still with you.  There is another side, you will see them again.

 

Judy