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Everly

Loss of a parent - daily thread

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Dear Kymbah,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I know the pain is unbearable at times.  Its 10 months for me since I lost my wonderful mother and a day doesn't go by without crying and wishing I could talk to her.  I understand how you feel.  We all do because we are going through it.  I don't know when it will get better, I don't have any answers.  They say it does...in time.  

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@sadandlost - thank you for being so supportive of everyone who shares their loss.

First day back at work and I feel numb, disorganized, unfocused. I cried twice. I hope this gets better. I would only be working because I have to pay mortgage and food etc. I'm even having guilt for being here because I'm now taking care of my mom's nine year old cat, who is used to having my mom with her all day. Now I have to leave her at home for 12 hrs four days a week while I work. But if not for work we'd both be homeless and hungry.

I had a dream about my mom last night. She was sleeping peacefully on my couch. I woke thinking she was alive and her death was just a bad dream. PLEASE SOMEONE MAKE THIS PAIN GO AWAY.

 

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Dear PatriciaEileen, so sorry for your loss and pain. We all share that together. It is so hard to go through especially at work. Though our loved ones have left this world, they have simply moved to the world of the soul, is my belief. I try to stay and focus on the moment or the task at hand. And allow myself time on my breaks or lunchtime to let it out. And try to remember happy times. If possible. Grief is not controllable and expresses itself whenever it wants to. I’m sure our loved ones would want us to be happy and enjoy our life. But, yes it is hard and we need to let ourselves grieve, and to also be kind to ourselves. It does get better in time, day by day, little by little. It’s important to stay connected and talk to friends who understand, or a therapist. I had a therapist who helped a lot. Let us know how you are doing. ((((Hugs)))))

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6 minutes ago, bloom said:

Dear PatriciaEileen, so sorry for your loss and pain. We all share that together. It is so hard to go through especially at work. Though our loved ones have left this world, they have simply moved to the world of the soul, is my belief. I try to stay and focus on the moment or the task at hand. And allow myself time on my breaks or lunchtime to let it out. And try to remember happy times. If possible. Grief is not controllable and expresses itself whenever it wants to. I’m sure our loved ones would want us to be happy and enjoy our life. But, yes it is hard and we need to let ourselves grieve, and to also be kind to ourselves. It does get better in time, day by day, little by little. It’s important to stay connected and talk to friends who understand, or a therapist. I had a therapist who helped a lot. Let us know how you are doing. ((((Hugs)))))

Thank you for your kindness. I have an appointment with a therapist, and I also started antidepressants today. I know people usually can't tell if they work or not for a few weeks. I probably needed to be on something for my anxiety for a long time, even before my mom died 9 days ago. Now with the death of my mom, my best friend, I had to get something.

At work the sadness finally overwhelmed me, and wound up calling a girl I know who is working downstairs for another contract tonight as I'm upstairs on the 5th floor, and had her meet me outside of the building in order to cry and talk to her for a few minutes. It really helped. She told me to call downstairs anytime to take a walk outside if I need to talk.

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That’s great news. You’re doing the right thing. Take care of yourself. Talk to the therapist and friends and you’ll begin to recover and feel better with time. I’m happy that you’re doing these things. And keep posting here as we all benefit from each other’s journey. 

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Dear PatriciaEileen,

I'm sorry for your loss. I wanted to add my support. I hope this therapist will be comforting. I returned to work two weeks after my father passed. Everything is a bit of  blur. I think the first few months are the hardest. There are so many raw emotions and our minds are just reeling. Please know we are all here for you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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I just want to feel happy again...something other than sadness, guilt, exhaustion, anger...I want to find enjoyment in something and I just can’t. I can’t even find enjoyment in my daughter’s upcoming 9th birthday or joy in watching my kids get excited about Christmas. I don’t even care about presents or anything. I’m sorry for everyone’s losses...I wouldn’t ever wish this kind of pain and torment on on anyone, not even my worse enemy.

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Hello everyone and thanks for being here.  I want to start by saying how sorry I am for the loss of each of your dear loved ones.  There is no pain greater than losing someone we love and care about so deeply.  IT IS NORMAL to feel out of sorts and overcome with sadness.  BUT the good news is that time is a healer.  Allow yourself to go through the grief because it is a testimony to the great love you have for your loved one.  

I lost my mom in 2013 and 11 months later my dad was taken "home."  One of the things that got me through that difficult time was every time the sadness hit me, I would think about things to be grateful for.  The unconditional love my parents had for my siblings and I ... the vacations we went on ... the family gatherings at Easter, Christmas, birthdays, etc ... the days of sitting in the back yard watching them work in their garden ...  the list goes on.  I found that when I felt grateful, my heavy heart lightened.

In doing this I also got closer to GOD.  I do not consider myself religious but I am a true believer in our Father in Heaven and HE was and still is the source of comfort for me.  In getting closer to HIM I started to read the bible and I came across a scripture that really got me through my losses.  It brought me great comfort to know that Jesus Himself comes to take us "home" and it doesn't get any better than that!  I am sharing this scripture below with the hope that it brings you all the same comfort that it brought me in my losses.  John 14:1-4

 

14 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

Take care and God bless

love

Cindy Jane

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I want to express my condolences to everyone newly bereaved. This journey is one of a hell. 

@reader, how are you doing? So it's been over a year. It seems like this year was the shortest of my life. Like everyone kept living but I got stuck in October 2016. For me, personally, first months were not the hardest, on the contrary - kinda blurry. Now the grief has set deep down in my bones, my heart. It seems I function pretty normally but I'm incredibly sad under my skin.

I've said million times before I stopped discussing my mother's death with friends because for them it seems like a million years ago and I am not in the mood of hearing the advices to move on. I guess I moved on a little, though. I am better at coping, living with this sadness. I have a terrible longing for my mother and it seems like one last conversation, the things I wanted to tell her, thank her, would be enough. Maybe, after all, this is some kind of acceptance. On the other hand, at times it still feels surreal. 

I wish everybody strenght in these difficult times. 

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I agree with everything you’ve said. It is surreal to lose a loved one. I don’t understand it at all. It’s sad beyond description. Everybody on the planet experiences the loss eventually but few want to talk about it. Too painful I guess. It does get better with time though. So it’s important to find someone to talk about it with. I wish I had the last conversation with my mother you describe. But it was not to be for me. I’m surprised I healed quite a bit and feel fairly good for the most part. Going through my moms death was like getting run over by a truck, getting hit by a baseball bat, shot, and then run over again! That’s how I describe the emotional pain I felt. Like going through a war. And I had no family so I went through it alone. At the funeral I was there alone. I was traumatized. But got through it all with the help of a therapist. And feeling better after 9 months. Still wish my mom was here but I accept that she isn’t. You’ll feel better one day. Talk to someone and be good to yourself. Hoping you’ll feel better soon. And keep posting here as we all want you to feel good again. We all learn from each other.

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Dear @Athina

I'm with you, my friend.  It has been a very strange year without my father. I have tried to carry on and do what I can to get through each day, but I feel as you do and there is sadness underneath. I tried therapy and joined support group to come to terms with my pain and sorrow. Moment by moment still. I heard it could take up to 5 years to be happy again. The one therapist said around 18 months is when the grief might start to lessen, but everyone must follow their own timetable. I am trying to adjust to this new reality but like you, I do long to have my dad back. Like you said, I need one more conversation. Just one. I am trying to write a letter to my dad, but I'm just not quite there yet.

Thank you for reaching out.  Take care my friend. Thinking of you.

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On 11/23/2017 at 9:44 PM, PatriciaEileen said:

Welcome, KymBah. Sorry for your loss. I'm new here as well. I lost my mom last Friday evening, and I was the one who had to make the decision to take her off life support after she went into cardiogenic shock and had a heart attack. She never recovered from the emergency open heart surgery. They didn't even think she'd make it to surgery. She was on life support for three days after surgery until her bowels collapsed due to all the tubes they had running up through her stomach and chest, and this was the end of the road. It was so devastating, and even though I know she would never have recovered it still kills me thinking that I had to make this decision. I will never forget it. At least we got to hold their hand and tell them we loved them as they left this world. A lot of people do not get to be surrounded by love as they pass on. At least our moms did.

I'm the one who had to complete her final paperwork, there are 2 of us, seeing her death certificate and what out has listed and then seeing my name on it really hurts. My roommate, best friend, had to take all of the papers away for a while. She said that they could wait, I needed to go through that, I'm grateful to her but still can't look at them or pictures of her. It all hurts to bad. I almost didn't call my aunt, her sister, for thanksgiving because she was usually there and I'd talk to her. It's really hard.

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Dear KymBah,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow is deep. I'm glad your best friend has been supportive. Please know you are not alone. We are all here for you. There is no rush, take your time to grieve. Be kind to yourself. Moment by moment for a long time. Thinking of you.

Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.

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On 11/30/2017 at 12:59 AM, KymBah said:

I'm the one who had to complete her final paperwork, there are 2 of us, seeing her death certificate and what out has listed and then seeing my name on it really hurts. My roommate, best friend, had to take all of the papers away for a while. She said that they could wait, I needed to go through that, I'm grateful to her but still can't look at them or pictures of her. It all hurts to bad. I almost didn't call my aunt, her sister, for thanksgiving because she was usually there and I'd talk to her. It's really hard.

Yes I understand about having to file for the death report and picking them up from the funeral home, making all of the phone calls to my mom's insurance and cancelling her doctor appointments that were just a few days after her death, seeing mail in my mom's name etc. It is like a punch to the gut every single time.

I think as hard as it can be for us to be around other people at times when grieving, it is important to keep contact as much as possible and go out for walks, or meet someone for coffee or just go for a talk. If not we can start to become isolated in our grief and I think that leads to other bad things for our mental and physical health.

I started taking, for the first time in my life, an antidepressant to help stabilize my mood because a week after my mom died I get some bad news health wise. Stress and depression will not help my medical condition, so I opt to try to work toward feeling better. I will never forget my mama, and at times I will cry about it, but I need to look after my own health now. My mom would have thrown herself in front of a train to protect her kids, and would be devastated if she thought my health and life was falling apart because I was sitting home alone on my days off work mourning her. She would HATE that. She was always fun and full of life until the last few years. I know she'd want me to live as full as I can while I can. Life is definitely too short.

 

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I'm trying, I thankfully have my roommate, but it's hard when right now I'm so angry and jealous of all the other people in her life who were able to grieve. I feel as though I had to put my grief off to get everything done, just because I'm the one who's always been known as the "strong" one. Nobody offered to help until everything was done, and we were waiting for responses from people. 

Sorry, I really shouldn't be dumping on you. You are going through you own grief right now.

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Hi everyone,

My first post here. I've just written an article reflecting on the questions I asked my father as he was dying from a brain tumour. I'd love to know if anyone else had similar experiences or had questions that they found really useful in talking with a dying parent?

Questions for My Dying Father

Thanks so much,

Toby

 

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My father passed away unexpectedly on 11-12-17.  He was only 68yrs old with no real health issues. His back had been giving him problems over the past year to which he had surgery and was on the road to recovery but other than that, this was a complete shock to my mom, two sisters, and self. 

I am the youngest of my siblings and the only son. My Dad and I were very close. Maybe for the reasons stated above or maybe because I was a third generation "Joe." Either way I feel angry and cheated now that he is gone. This past Sunday we baptized my son (4th generation Joe) and although it should have been a joyous occasion, I couldn't stop missing my father which made me anxious & depressed. I powered through and put on a happy face as I know he would have wanted us to have a good time but it wasn't  the same without him.

Like most on this post, I think of my Dad constantly and can't imagine a life in which he is not present. We had so many more memories to make and conversations to share. I don't know who I am going to turn to now for advice or a pick me up when I'm feeling down as my Dad was my "go to" for everything.   I guess I will lean on my family and everyone on this post since we share the same pain & suffering.  Thank you for being here!

 

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Dear Joe,

My deepest condolences and sympathies. I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow is deep. Losing a beloved father is unfathomable.

Everything you are thinking and feeling is normal after such a devastating loss. Grief is a long journey. I know its hard. We all want our dads back.

Please know we are all here to listen and support each other.

Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

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6 hours ago, reader said:

Dear Joe,

My deepest condolences and sympathies. I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow is deep. Losing a beloved father is unfathomable.

Everything you are thinking and feeling is normal after such a devastating loss. Grief is a long journey. I know its hard. We all want our dads back.

Please know we are all here to listen and support each other.

Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

Thank you for the kind words. You're absolutely correct about wanting our Dads back. I still have moments where I think everything is bad dream and I'll be getting a phone call or email from him at any moment. In actuality,  that is never going to happen and I must try to adjust to a life without him. One day at a time I guess. I know one thing for certain: it is going to be a long, bumpy road! Thx again and I'll check in soon.

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Take care Joe. It is still early days in your journey, so please don't be hard on yourself. I'm sure it still feels surreal and it takes time for our minds and bodies to process the shock.

It does take time to adjust. I feel a little more stable now that its been a little over a year but there are still tough days.

I know everyone is different but don't be afraid to reach out for more supports if you want to. I've tried almost everything from counselling to joining a support group. I feel the more support you have the better it helps to cope sometimes.

Please know we are all here to listen.

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Today is the one year anniversary of my Dad's passing.  I cannot believe a year has come so fast.  I cannot believe it's been a full year since I last spoke to my Dad.  I so desperately wish I could speak to him and hear his voice.  I have a few pictures and one video clip of him celebrating his last birthday.  I watch them frequently.  Boy do I miss him so much.  He was my rock and helped me in so many ways.  Over the year, I've only had two dreams of him.  I so wish I could dream of him.  I wish I could have happy dreams of him.  It's been an interesting year and I think he would have been proud of me.

I constantly ask for a sign, something to help me know he's still here in some way.  Before his passing, I truly did believe in some sort of after life.  I believed the dead can hear our words and our thoughts and know everything that was in our hearts.  I believed they become much more compassionate and forgiving.  As it turned out, my dad shared this same belief as he told me during his last few days.  I took comfort knowing we would still be connected.  However, since his passing, all I feel is this deep void.  I struggle to feel his presence.  A strange thing happened to me last week.  I came home and found a parcel on my door.  No shipping address, but after opening it, i can see it came from a local decorating company thanking me for my patronage during the holiday season.  This is obviously not meant for me.  I have zero knowledge of this company and never used their services.  It was most likely meant for a neighbor.  However, it's a small cardboard box of plain nuts with the words "The holiday's are nuts.  Why break from tradition?". 

There are two strange things about this parcel.  First, I really didn't feel like celebrating Christmas this year and asked the rest of the family if we could skip the gifts.  Christmas Eve was always special in our house and my Dad loved giving and receiving gifts, often dressing up as Santa when we were kids.  So it's been really hard the past two Christmas', and when the decorations came out at the malls in November, I started feeling panic attacks and a deep feeling of dread.  I spoke to my family and my mother suggested we start a new tradition and celebrate on christmas day instead of eve this year.    Second, I use to tease my dad about him spending his whole retirement and his money, my future inheritance, on the birds and squirrels and chipmunks.  He loved feeding them all.  *IF* there was an afterlife, and if my dad could send me a sign, a box of nuts is the exact thing he would send me.  He would have thought it was hilarious and would want me to feed his fury friends for him.

I do realize I'm grasping at straws.  My partner doesn't share my belief in the after life, so I can't speak to him about it.  But I do stop and wonder sometimes.  I really wish I could know without a doubt that I'll see my dad again.

 

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1 hour ago, Dgiirl said:

Today is the one year anniversary of my Dad's passing.  I cannot believe a year has come so fast.  I cannot believe it's been a full year since I last spoke to my Dad.  I so desperately wish I could speak to him and hear his voice.  I have a few pictures and one video clip of him celebrating his last birthday.  I watch them frequently.  Boy do I miss him so much.  He was my rock and helped me in so many ways.  Over the year, I've only had two dreams of him.  I so wish I could dream of him.  I wish I could have happy dreams of him.  It's been an interesting year and I think he would have been proud of me.

I constantly ask for a sign, something to help me know he's still here in some way.  Before his passing, I truly did believe in some sort of after life.  I believed the dead can hear our words and our thoughts and know everything that was in our hearts.  I believed they become much more compassionate and forgiving.  As it turned out, my dad shared this same belief as he told me during his last few days.  I took comfort knowing we would still be connected.  However, since his passing, all I feel is this deep void.  I struggle to feel his presence.  A strange thing happened to me last week.  I came home and found a parcel on my door.  No shipping address, but after opening it, i can see it came from a local decorating company thanking me for my patronage during the holiday season.  This is obviously not meant for me.  I have zero knowledge of this company and never used their services.  It was most likely meant for a neighbor.  However, it's a small cardboard box of plain nuts with the words "The holiday's are nuts.  Why break from tradition?". 

There are two strange things about this parcel.  First, I really didn't feel like celebrating Christmas this year and asked the rest of the family if we could skip the gifts.  Christmas Eve was always special in our house and my Dad loved giving and receiving gifts, often dressing up as Santa when we were kids.  So it's been really hard the past two Christmas', and when the decorations came out at the malls in November, I started feeling panic attacks and a deep feeling of dread.  I spoke to my family and my mother suggested we start a new tradition and celebrate on christmas day instead of eve this year.    Second, I use to tease my dad about him spending his whole retirement and his money, my future inheritance, on the birds and squirrels and chipmunks.  He loved feeding them all.  *IF* there was an afterlife, and if my dad could send me a sign, a box of nuts is the exact thing he would send me.  He would have thought it was hilarious and would want me to feed his fury friends for him.

I do realize I'm grasping at straws.  My partner doesn't share my belief in the after life, so I can't speak to him about it.  But I do stop and wonder sometimes.  I really wish I could know without a doubt that I'll see my dad again.

 

Dgiirl, talk about grasping at straws:  I went to a Medium Fri evening. It was a different experience to say the least. She mentioned some names and places with meaning but never specific details. For instance, had she said, "your Dad thinks it's great you carry his prayer card in your pocket every day since his death..." I would have been thoroughly convinced he came through from the other side. But I never received anything concrete so I'm still left wondering if he is okay and if it is possible for him to reach out to me in someway?

We did our family Christmas last night and although the kids loved it, I did not! I was never a very sensitive or emotional guy prior to four weeks ago however, I had to excuse myself on two separate occasions to cry.  I miss my Dad so much and can't wrap my mind around the fact that he is no longer with us to participate in such family gatherings.

I'm proud of you for making it one year and not letting your father's death completely destroy you!  A friend of mine who lost his dad, son, and mom within twelve months (four years ago) has truly been through hell & back. He constantly tells me, "one day at a time. If you can get out of bed and put your feet on the floor then that is a great thing." Don't ever give up! I'm only four weeks in and I feel overwhelmed but realize my family, siblings, and mom need me. That helps me power through and I hope your family & friends are doing the same for you.  God bless and stay strong! 

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Dear Dgiirl, 

The things you mention in your post I have thought and felt the exact same things. One more conversation, if only I could see my mother one more time, etc, etc... The deep longing to see my mother again is with me everyday to some extent. I think it is just the normal part of grief. I have no more family, all gone. My mom was the only one left. No I am the last man standing, so to speak. But I do believe in a continual existence and many strange things have happened to me since my mothers passing. Quite blatant signs. Here is a quote you might find gives some hope:  

To consider that after the death of the body the spirit perishes is like imagining that a bird in a cage will be destroyed if the cage is broken, though the bird has nothing to fear from the destruction of the cage. Our body is like the cage, and the spirit is like the bird…if the cage becomes broken, the bird will continue and exist. Its feelings will be even more powerful, its perceptions greater, and its happiness increased…1

After its association with the body draws to a close, the soul will continue to progress in an eternal journey towards perfection. It will manifest the signs of God and His attributes, and will reveal His loving kindness and bounty.

An illumined soul continues to have an influence on progress in this world and the advancement of its peoples. It acts as “the leaven that leaveneth the world of being, and furnisheth the power through which the arts and wonders of the world are made manifest."

-- Well, I do hope you feel better soon. Keep posting.

 

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Hello, it will be 2 months on the 17th of December that my Dad passed away. It’s been a horrible struggle since. My Dad and I had a great relationship, we’d talk everyday or he’d go to my house. He died unexpectedly. No indication he was sick at all. I spoke with him about a few hour before he passed. He told me he’d be at my house the next morning but never showed.  I hear time heals but for me it feels like it’s gotten harder. I’ve been staying with my mom at my parents house. I am afraid of leaving her alone. Don’t want to lose her too. The feeling of being left with so many unspoken words, shared thoughts with him is an unexplainable pain. Reading people post at times has help for that moment. It’s like someone puts a  bandaid on your wound but then when you try to continue your day that bandaid is ripped off.  Miss my Dad so much 

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7 hours ago, Emvee said:

Hello, it will be 2 months on the 17th of December that my Dad passed away. It’s been a horrible struggle since. My Dad and I had a great relationship, we’d talk everyday or he’d go to my house. He died unexpectedly. No indication he was sick at all. I spoke with him about a few hour before he passed. He told me he’d be at my house the next morning but never showed.  I hear time heals but for me it feels like it’s gotten harder. I’ve been staying with my mom at my parents house. I am afraid of leaving her alone. Don’t want to lose her too. The feeling of being left with so many unspoken words, shared thoughts with him is an unexplainable pain. Reading people post at times has help for that moment. It’s like someone puts a  bandaid on your wound but then when you try to continue your day that bandaid is ripped off.  Miss my Dad so much 

I feel the exact same way. Posting and reading provides a temporary distraction then it is back to reality! A reality none of us want to be a part of. I wish I had the ability to go back in time and return things to normal.

I worry about my Mom too. She is returning to FL today and I don't want her in their house by herself but she insists. I may be the man of the family but she is by far the strongest! I admire her perseverance. Maybe you can speak with a counselor or support group nearby to help manage the wave of emotions? I'm going to speak with someone on Tues for the first time. I will let you know if it is helpful. One day at a time....

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