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Everly

Loss of a parent - daily thread

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reader   

Dear Maya77,

I'm very sorry to hear how you feel. They say the second year of grief is even harder than the first because it hits us all over again. Its really hard.

Please know we are all here to support you. I feel the same way. I keep trying to take it moment by moment.

Take care of yourself.

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reader   

Dear @Lisa k,

Been thinking about you. I hope your treatment is finished and you are doing well.

Hard to believe its already September going into October.

Take care my friend. Hope you are well. With much love and hugs.

 

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Hi everyone. How is everyone doing? :rolleyes: A couple of months ago my husband told me that my friend went into him in work and told him that another friend of mine didn't like me. This morning when I dropped my son to school I kindly confronted her and my other friend. We decided to go for a coffee and we talked. Absolutely none of it is true, my other friend who supposedly said this to my husband doesn't even know him! I can't believe he would lie to me this way. Last night we where taking, and o said to him I never got to grieve for my mam, and he said that I have had all the time I need - he said he had to take a week of work and nearly lost his job over my mama death!! This has hurt me beyond words. I was extremely close to my mam - she was, is and always will be everything to me. I could talk to her about anything. She always knew if i was having a bad day. Even when we spoke on the phone she knew by the sound of my voice if I was ok or not... Now I feel like I have no one  - other than my 5 year old son. He threatens me that he will take him away from me if I don't 'sort my self out' and 'get over it for my son's sake' that Is so completely unfair. I don't know where to go from here... Do i confront him or bury it like it bottle up everything else. I am not close with my dad. If me and my husband argue, my dad takes his side.

Okay yes I have 'lied' in the past my husband is a heavy drinker and after work (he is a chef) he enjoys a couple of drinks. He would usually always drink after work. Then when he gets home he would say you should go to bed as our son is up for school. I always take him to school. I cook for him, clean the house do dishes, laundry all while my husband sleeps!! It's not at all fair. I feel like I'm gonna explode if I don't get the chance to grieve for my mam in the way I want and need to. What do i do here? Am o being selfish? Unreasonable? Petty? I feel so selfish I really really do. My husband also said on a few occasions that if I don't go to bed etc or talk about him to other people that he will pull the furniture out of the house, get rid of Virgin media  (our tv satellite) and take my son. I feel so lost and alone and upset. I cant take this anymore, I'm gonna snap! Seriously I am!

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Hi. I feel so so messed up. My head is a mess basically my whole life is a mess. I have tried to suppress my grief about my beautiful man for the past 23 months. it will be two years at the end of October. I am so so angry ALL the time. My dad never wants to hear how I am feeling. I stay up late - always did then sometimes the next day I will usually sleep til 2/2:30/3/3:30 or later. (When my husband is off work) I am struggling to raise my 5 (soon to be 6) year old son. He is my life but I feel that I never go the time I needed to grieve - I was TOLD by my dad and husband to just move on and take care of my son. So that's what I did  - I suppressed it. Its so unfair.  both of them have a negative opinion on whatever I do. I smoke cigarettes. (Started when my mam passed away to try and cope) now I am addicted to them. So what it's my business. There are thousands of parents who smoke so why am I being singled out??? My husband smokes too. Has done for 22 or more years. I look after my son, but now I feel I can't do it anymore. I have tried brevemeant counselling and I feel it hasn't helped. I'm not ready to move on, why can't people just leave me alone and let me do what I need to do??? I am also addicted to prescription drugs but I take them when i feel I just can't cope anymore... My dad has done some pretty unforgivable things since my mam died which I will NEVER forgive him for. Me and my dad where never close. Where even further apart now. He doesn't care how I feel. He got over my mam way too quickly and that hurt me. My son hates me. He speaks to me with such disrespect it's disgusting. Then I run my mouth and fire right back and just tell or scream at him constantly. What do i do??? Before I just say f*** it and kill myself???? PLEASE HELP MEE!!!!

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Need help now?

If you need to talk to someone, here are a number of helplines you can contact for confidential non-judgemental support.

If you or someone you know is at risk of suicide or self-harm, you should make contact immediately with one of the following:

  • Phone or go to your local doctor
  • Go to the Accident & Emergency department of the nearest hospital
  • Call 999

Most helplines will provide a listening service, give information and advice, provide emotional support and point you in the direction of other services. They are often free-phone services which are staffed by trained volunteers or employees.

The Samaritans

www.samaritans.org
Free phone: 116 123
Email: jo@samaritans.org

Aware (Depression, Bi-Polar Disorder & Anxiety)

www.aware.ie
Tel: 1800 80 48 48

National Suicide Helpline (Pieta House)
1800 247 247

Pieta House (Suicide & Self-harm)

www.pieta.ie
Tel: 01 623 5606

Grow (Mental Health support and Recovery)

www.grow.ie
Tel: 1890 474 474

Bodywhys (Eating Disorders Associations of Ireland)

www.bodywhys.ie
1890 200 444

Irish Advocacy Network (Peer advocacy in mental health)

www.irishadvocacynetwork.com
Tel: 01 872 8684

IACP (Counselling & Psychotherapy)

www.iacp.ie
Tel: 01 230 3536

Irish Council for Psychotherapy (Counselling & Psychotherapy)

www.psychotherapycouncil.ie
Tel: 01 905 8698

Shine (Supporting people effected by mental ill health)

www.shine.ie

Childline

www.childline.ie

1800 66 66 66 24hr a day

One to one chat – 10am-4am

Text BULLY or TALK or HELP to 50101 from 10am to 4am

 

Text for help

 

Childline

www.childline.ie

1800 66 66 66 24hr a day

One to one chat – 10am-4am

Text BULLY or TALK or HELP to 50101 from 10am to 4am

Children/ Teens

Childline

www.childline.ie
Helpline: 1800 66 66 66

 

One to one chat – 10am-4am

Text BULLY or TALK or HELP to 50101 from 10am to 4am

 

OutReach – Online youth mental health service

www.ie.reachout.com

 

Sexuality

Gay Switchboard Dublin

gayswitchboard.ie
Helpline: 01 872 1055

Parentline

parentline.ie
Helpline: 1890 92 72 77 or 01 873 3500

Abuse, domestic violence & rape

Amen Support Services Ltd.

amen.ie
Helpline: 046 902 3718

Aoibhneas Women and Children’s Refuge

aoibhneas.ie/index.php/services
Helpline: 01 867 0701

Children at risk in Ireland (CARI)

cari.ie
Helpline: 1890 92 45 67

Rape Crisis Network Ireland – Rape Crisis Help

rapecrisishelp.ie
24 Hour Helpline: 1800 77 88 88

The Dublin Rape Crisis Centre

drcc.ie/get-help-and-information/helpline/
24 Hour Helpline: 1800 77 88 88
Email: counselling@rcc.ie

Women’s Aid

womensaid.ie
Freephone: 1800 34 19 00

 

in your area

Local Associations

useful numbers

Need help now?

 

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I haven't slept yet. Have been awake since 3:30pm yesterday afternoon. This morning around 5/6am I took 5 tramadol and 5 tylex tabs I have no idea what the mg was on them. I am so stressed out. My beautiful man passed away almost 2 years ago next month and I have NEVER got the chance to grieve as I have my 5 y/o son to take care off. My husband is a workacholic and my dad doesn't want to know how I feel any more. To them I need to "get over it" it's not at all fair  I have no one. What do i do. I can't be a mother to my son as I need to help myself first. I have vomited 3 times already today. The last episode  being horrendous . What do i do. I am told by my dad and husband I am selfish. And I hear voices in my head telling me to kill myself. Help.....

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bloom   

Dear Mariesgril, I am so sorry for your loss of you Mam. And you have my deepest sympathies and condolences. I too lost a mother 6 months ago, so I know what it feels like. You have a need to grieve and need to allow yourself time to grieve. Don't listen to your husband and Dad. It takes times to heal. You need to talk to a counselor or therapist so they can help you heal. You will feel better eventually. I am starting to feel better and have hope for the future, so I know it is possible to heal. Please, Please, Please, find a therapist in your town. Maybe the town has free help. I went to a therapist and she helped me so very much. And also talk to your doctor, maybe your doctor can also help. The loss of a mother is so very hard and deeply emotional. Please know that everyone here cares for you and is concerned about you. Allow yourself time to grieve and find help. Love!

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reader   

Dear Friends,

Hard to believe its almost the middle of October. I don't know where the time is going.

Hope everyone is well.

With love and hugs to everyone.

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ELiz   

Good afternoon everyone. I haven’t been here in a while. It seems like shortly after my mother’s passing 12/19/2016 I was here every week and wrote on my journal almost daily. I just noticed my last journal entry was on 7/7/2017. I don’t think of my mom as often as I used to. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I know thinking of her overwhelms me with sadness. I think of the many memories she could have been a part of that she no longer will be able to be a part of. The holiday season coming up will be my first without my mom. I remember thinking the week she passed away, Christmas week, I had though to myself “I never did get they turkey recipe from her.” She always made the best turkey for thanksgiving. Even if she has given me the recipe it will never be the same. This season we will not be having the same meals. Many dishes only she knew how to prepare. No presents will be bought for her this Christmas... and boy did I love to spoil her. Holidays will most likely send me to the mall to buy gifts and outfits for celebrations. As I mentioned here before, I spent hundreds of thousands of hours at the mall with my mom. We both loved it so much. Now when I go to mall I find myself overwhelmed with anxiety. Every thing about the mall reminds me of her and our memories there. It’s both comforting that the mall induces such strong memories with her but also makes me want to run out crying to my car. How do you manage your emotions when going somewhere or doing something evokes such strong emotions?

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Hello, Eliz--know all too well what you're feeling. I went to our local mall for the first time since my mom died cuz I had to retrieve my photos from my broken ipad. I think I was too nervous about not being able to do so and as such didn't feel as overwhelmed about the memories. Yet, it was interesting that on the preceding day I was freaking out on this...thinking how can I bear being at the mall where my mom and I used to go all the time? ANd how would I not be able to think about the time I went there on my own in August  2014--only two months before mom died--and not be able to think about that all that happened afterwards?

At the end of the day, the trip was not as terrible as anticipated: partly because I was surprised and happy  that Apple was able to get my pics back (including the last pics of my mom). I think if I went to the mall more frequently--like the restaurant I go to with my dad or the Marshalls nearby--I might have felt less distraught at the prospect of going there. It may well be that if you go the mall often enough, you will get more used to it and suffer fewer pangs; perhaps you'll even begin to relish the memories. Why not take your daughter and family out there to eat or enjoy an event? Maybe if you take her to see Santa around Xmas, you might feel thrilled by her happiness.

What I don't expect though is to still feel blue when I'm shopping online. Looking at clothes, shoes, or makeup that even reminds me of stuff I bought in the year she died can still bring a pang to me, depending on my mood. The other day I was watching a Ralph Lauren fashion show and couldn't help but think of all the times that we watched one together. Sometimes I see clothes that I want to buy for mom....before suddenly remembering I can't buy them for her. When that happens, I try to get back to work ASAP so as not to feel too bogged down in memories. Yes, still a challenge, even after 3 years....

I won't deny that the  first Xmas can be tough: for me, it was less than 3 months after her death. Now, that year, we were still in contact w/ the Taiwanese Association, and they brought us to a few performances. But it made my loss feel more acute than ever when I saw all those happy families with their mothers and grandmothers at the church concert. It brought back memories of my last Xmas concert--when I was 4 and stlll had Mom.Why couldn't mom be here? She would have enjoyed the lovely surroundings of the church and the great music. Not surprisingly too when I cooked Xmas and New Year's dinners, I couldn't help but think of the previous year when mom was still seated at the head of the kitchen table. I hope, with your husband and daughter around you, that you will not feel too lonely, Eliz.

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bloom   

Dear friends, yes I know that feeling too. Everywhere I go in my area reminds me of my mother who passed March 2017. I don't know how to deal with it. I think the strong physical emotions such as crying, sobbing, screaming, shaking is the body's way of releasing the grief. I have no family left, my mom was it, except for an estranged sister who didn't care my mom way dying. I prefer to think of it as passing on, as I believe we move on to another "world" of some sort. But, the only thing that helps when I'm reminded of my mom, which is daily, hour by hour, is to try and remember her as happy, though she didn't have too many of those moments as she suffered from depression. And I also remember my goals that I want to accomplish, and just trying to stay in the moment. Other than that, it's not easy. So when the holidays come, I will be alone, no family. So that hurts. Grief will pass, we won't forget our loved ones and friends who have moved on. And life will once again be normal. I hope sooner, rather than later.

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