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Everly

Loss of a parent - daily thread

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Dear Bloom,

Im sorry it's a difficult day for you.  My mother had dementia too so I know the pain of watching them diminish as a person.  My grief started long before she died.  I started grieving the loss of our relationship the year before.  I wasn't there when she died.  I was there the day before.  I'm glad I wasn't there.  I don't think I could have survived watching her take her last breath and seeing her dead.  Sometimes I think I should have been there but mostly I'm glad I wasn't.  It's not what you do for the last 5 minutes of their lives Bloom, it's the long history of your relationship that matters.  Even though you feel you wish you could have spent more time in your life with her, we all feel that guilt I think because now it's too late to change it.  All we are left with is memories, guilt and regret.  Dementia is a cruel disease.  In my opinion it's one of the worst.  We are our memories.  Too loose memory is bad enough but to loose who you are as a person is the worst.  It is so painful to watch this happen.  I'm sorry you feel alone.  I do too.  It's very hard.  After 6 months people assume you've adjusted and getting on with life.  No one even asks how I'm managing.  If someone says how are you? It's just a daily how are you?  Like a shop person asks you when you walk in the door and you are greeted.  It's not genuine.  I hope tomorrow is a better day for you Bloom.

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bloom   

Thanks for the reply. We've had similar experiences. Like you, I don't think I could have watched her die. I also wasnt there the die she passed, but the day before. And I grieved for months before she even got sick. Becuase I knew what was coming. So we share that. Your words are very true. Every day it's hard, less so as time goes by, but it's the knowledge that she really is gone and never coming back, the finality of it is hard to comprehend. Thanks.

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Athina   

Hello everyone. I have not shared anything in a while, but that does not mean I do not come to read there. I have been home with my family, visited mom's grave site for the first time. Seeing her name with the death date broke my heart. I was crying for the whole time while back home. I do a lot of traveling and every night, wherever I am, I lay myself to bed with deep sadness and thoughts of my dearest mom. She was so young and healthy. How this pain could be so immense even after 10 months? I am still somewhere between denial, anger and bargaining. Just the thought of not seeing her ever again makes me physically sick.

Soon it will be a year since she is gone. I look around and literally everybody is living their lives. Nobody has died for them. This grief thing has isolated me from my friends entirely. in a sense I am happy for that because it helps to find out who your true friends are. Anyway, do I have to wish a loss on them to get to really feel what it is to be in my shoes? Sorry, I am still angry. 

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Dear Athina,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I feel like you that everyone is living their lives, nobody has died for them so they are all doing fine.  You are so right when you say grief isolates.  I never thought about it before but its true.  You feel different, it changes you and the only people that can relate are people going through it.  I lost my best friend of 30 yrs after my mom died.  No she didn't die, she just dumped me.  She was always considerate and thoughtful, not selfish.  When my mom died, she didn't even call?  Sent a text.  Every few days sending a text saying how are you?  or hope you're ok.  Obviously I wouldn't be ok.  Without going into the details of what happened she terminated our friendship without even a conversation or phone call, via email.  I was stunned.  I still am.  I feel so angry and hurt.  So I barely talk to anyone.  It devastated me.  I needed her and she just dumped me.  People chit chat and make conversation but no one really asks me how I am in a genuine way.  So I don't say anything.  Every day I miss my mom so much.  We spoke every day so its very empty now.  Even though she was suffering and she passed at the right time, it doesn't make the loss any better or easier.  For me she is still gone forever.     10 months is not long Athina.  How does anyone expect that after 6 months, one year we move one?  Someone who has been there always we are supposed to just move on like they never existed?  I think the best we can hope for is this.  In time less sadness, less anger, less isolation.  We get used to the loss but it changes us forever.  Thats what I suspect.  I am not optimistic!  I just hope for less pain at some point.  I wish you the same.  Less pain.

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Athina   

@sadandlost, I have ranted so many times in this forum about secondary losses. I mean nowadays with all kinds of social media it is so easy to reach out. But no, almost none of the people I considered friends reached out to me in any form. And no, I do not comprehend saying they are very busy with their lives. Then, I don't want sharing fun moments with them either. I also "lost" one very close friend. I helped her a lot when she was going through a painful divorce, supported financially. I know I am not supposed to expect anything in return. But only naturally I expected some kind of support system after my mom's death. She expressed her condolences via social media, but said she would not come to the funeral as these things make her sad and she was not fond of dead corpses (c'mmon my mom was cremated and we only had an urn, it was more a memorial and celebration of life). While I was attending mom's funeral, she was happily posting on facebook about baking Xmas cookies. Somehow it hurt me a lot. It hurt me so much that I remembered how my parents let her stay in their summer house because she was divorced and not well financially. I erased her from my life. Other people have commented I was very rough on her. Because she never reached out to me after the funeral and I was so devastated and angry that I couldn't control myself and wrote to her: "thanks for being an asshole friend. You'll get yours when your dad dies" (she does not have any relationship with her mother).  I have very few close friends now, like 2 really good ones. But even with them, when I bring up the subject of my mom, they somehow get surprised that I am still struggling. And so much would I want to share stories about her... I know I'll get through this. Just I am the first one of the people I know my age to lose a mother. Nobody has any idea of what it is like. Nobody. Today is my mother's birthday. I take it as any other day, ordinary, I do not want triggers. Just generally I am sad and I am afraid soon it will be one year that I have not heard her voice. It is still tok painful for me to look at the photos or go through any memories. I still rewind our last conversation, I still blame myself for many things. It is impossible to get over this. And it is way too painful to learn to live with this. 

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I guess I joined the site 2 days after my Dad died, but I don't remember.  I just reset my PW so I could post. My Dad passed on May 13th  after a battle with cancer.  I just found some old voicemail's I had saved and I'm really missing him tonight.  My heart aches so much that I don't know how it could hurt any worse. 

Sorry to all of you who have had losses, recent and distant.  I am sure the pain is the same either way. 

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7 hours ago, Athina said:

@sadandlost, I have ranted so many times in this forum about secondary losses. I mean nowadays with all kinds of social media it is so easy to reach out. But no, almost none of the people I considered friends reached out to me in any form. And no, I do not comprehend saying they are very busy with their lives. Then, I don't want sharing fun moments with them either. I also "lost" one very close friend. I helped her a lot when she was going through a painful divorce, supported financially. I know I am not supposed to expect anything in return. But only naturally I expected some kind of support system after my mom's death. She expressed her condolences via social media, but said she would not come to the funeral as these things make her sad and she was not fond of dead corpses (c'mmon my mom was cremated and we only had an urn, it was more a memorial and celebration of life). While I was attending mom's funeral, she was happily posting on facebook about baking Xmas cookies. Somehow it hurt me a lot. It hurt me so much that I remembered how my parents let her stay in their summer house because she was divorced and not well financially. I erased her from my life. Other people have commented I was very rough on her. Because she never reached out to me after the funeral and I was so devastated and angry that I couldn't control myself and wrote to her: "thanks for being an asshole friend. You'll get yours when your dad dies" (she does not have any relationship with her mother).  I have very few close friends now, like 2 really good ones. But even with them, when I bring up the subject of my mom, they somehow get surprised that I am still struggling. And so much would I want to share stories about her... I know I'll get through this. Just I am the first one of the people I know my age to lose a mother. Nobody has any idea of what it is like. Nobody. Today is my mother's birthday. I take it as any other day, ordinary, I do not want triggers. Just generally I am sad and I am afraid soon it will be one year that I have not heard her voice. It is still tok painful for me to look at the photos or go through any memories. I still rewind our last conversation, I still blame myself for many things. It is impossible to get over this. And it is way too painful to learn to live with this. 

I don't know how old you are, but I'm 35 and none of the people I know have lost their parent, either.  My husband lost his Dad when he was 10 but he says it's not the same. Other than him, no one gets it, either.  My Mom even still has her Dad and I've now lost mine.  My Dad's Dad (my papa) died two years ago yesterday.  Its really hard to wrap your mind around, and it's really very awful.  Even my Brother isn't affected the way that I am, no one gets my pain, it seems.  

Anyways, i just wanted to validate your feelings.  xo

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bloom   

Losing a parent, and I think, expecially a mom is so so so difficult. I am 65 and lost my mother 6 months ago. I took care of her for 12 years. There are no words to describe the loss. And even though all people experience it eventually, some don't like to talk about it because it's a painful subject and they don't want to be reminded of the pain. I am feeling much better these days. I had a therapist help me, and online forums. But if one can get a therapist to talk to in person, it really really helps. Most towns offer that service on a sliding scale depending on your income. I highly recommend it. We also need to be kind and patient and gentle to ourselves. Take it day by day, little by little. It does get better. As for friends who show little or no understanding, there's really nothing we can do about it. We need to focus our energy on healing ourselves and dealing with grief. I want you to know that we are here for you and understand the pain you are experiencing. It will lessen and you will eventually feel much better. Take it day by day and be good to yourself. :) to 

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Dani1030   

It's been one week since my mom passed suddenly. My brother and dad were with her, but I was in a different state. I didn't get to say goodbye like they did, but to be honest I don't think I would have made it if I was there and witnessed everything that they did. I think in a way, she died where she did so I wouldn't have to live with that memory. I feel lost..that is the best way to describe everything. She was my best friend. If I ever did anything, it was with her. I visited with her almost everyday, and if I didn't see her, I talked to her numerous times a day. I don't want to do anything. I have been staying at her house with my dad and I feel useless. I just sit on her couch and "watch" tv. I am exhausted, but can't really sleep. Last night I had a dream about her, she was in it, but I didn't actually see her. I know I'm rambling. I just wanted to find a place that I could share how I'm feeling, and hopefully find others who are feeling the same.

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bloom   

Hi Dani, my condolences and deepest sypathies on your loss. My mother passed 6 months ago. So I know the feelings you describe. I also wasnt there when my mother passed on. And I spent everyday with her during the last year of her life. I knew she wasnt long for this world. It is a shock to lose a mother. There's nothing quite like it. And it hurts deeply. Raises lots of questions, survivors guilt, and host of other issues. The grieving process takes is ongoing but you will feel better. It helps to talk to someone, I talked to a therapist for several months and that's the only way I could have gotten through it. I highly recommend it. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably at times, screaming and shouting, trying to scream and no sound would come out of my mouth, crying so hard my body shook. And that's all good, it's letting the grief express itself through the body. We can't surpress the grief, it has to be let out. I couldnt sleep for months. I would wish that my mom would visit me in a dream. She hasnt yet, that I can recall. But I do get other "signs" that have meaning only for me, and make sense. Dani, I hope that you can begin to eventually feel better, I know you will. It takes some time. We are here for you on this forum. We all understand what it feels like. Write often as this helps the healing process. And maybe check out a therapist to help you during this difficult time. :)

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18 hours ago, Athina said:

@FigsNewton, I'm the same age as you. While I am not 16 or 25 to lose a mother, yet I was not ready to let her go at this stage of my life. 

Of course not.  While everyone accepts that one day their parents will die before they do, it's not something we think will happen while we're still in youngish adult hood.   I wasn't trying to imply that it would be harder or easier if we'd been younger when we lost our parents, incase it came off that way. 

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Dear Athina,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I'm sorry also about your friend.  It sounds really painful.  Worse than mine.  At a time when we need our friends the most they're not there.  You're right, unless someone has been through it they can't know, they can't understand.  I include myself in that because before my mom died I didn't know either.  I always knew it would be bad but I didn't know in what way it would be.  I didn't know that I would feel rootless.  I feel like I'm left hanging in the wilderness alone.  I didn't know that tv and food would be my new best friend.  Escapism is my comfort.  Obsessing and perfectionism torture me.  Trying to find some level of control.  You can't know these things in advance.  You can't know or even relate to any of it unless you're there or have been there.  You have every right to feel angry about your friend.  I feel angry about mine too.  I too was there for her through very difficult times.  It was a 30 yr friendship.  I don't think we get over loosing our mothers.  I don't see that as a possibility.  What I do think is we grow to live with it in time.  We adjust to a new world and a new way of being.  I don't know if it takes years or the rest of our lives because I know I'm nowhere near that.  I see it as a possibility though.  Otherwise how can we go on?

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Dani1030   

Today I feel angry and jealous. I'm jealous of others who still have their mothers. I'm jealous of those who don't have to sit with their grieving father, and feel completely helpless. I'm angry at all those who aren't feeling this emptiness and sadness. I'm afraid that my feelings aren't okay. I can't express them to anyone without feeling like a piece of crap. Has anyone else felt like this before or am I crazy?

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reader   

Dear Dani,

Everything you are feeling is natural and normal and part of grief.  Be kind and gentle with yourself. It is an extremely difficult time so soon after your mom's passing. Please know you are not alone. We all have these raw emotions after such a difficult loss.

I have found these websites helpful. What's Your Grief and the Grief Healing Blog.

I wish so much that none of us had to deal with the pain and sorrow. Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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Dear Dani,

I too have felt angry at others.  Angry because they still have their mom so they can't possibly know what it feels like.  I don't share anything with anyone except sometimes one person.  Because no one can relate.  I suppose we can't expect them too until they go through it.  I have a feeling that others who don't have loss feel helpless and don't know what to do so they do nothing.  One friend of mine took 10 days to reply to my email that my mother died.  10 days?  She said all the wrong things and then proceeded to tell me in great detail what was going on in her work life and her business and running things by me wanting an opinion.  So this is why I only share on this site because all of you are going through the same.  We are all in the same boat dealing with pain, loss and anger and having difficulty processing what has happened.  Anger is normal part of grief.  Sorry for your loss Dani.

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Hello everyone ... I haven't been here in awhile so trying to catch up on the posts.  To start I want to say that I am so sorry for each of your losses.  I have not experienced everything this life can throw at us but I did lose both my mom & dad 11 months apart (mom in 2013 dad in 2014).  This is a few years ago but believe me, I know your pain.

In reading all of your posts I can relate to every one of them and I thank you all for sharing your loss and what you have been through and are still going through.  That being said, time is a healer but I don't believe that I will ever stop missing my parents and that is because of the love I have for them.  That is why we are all going through these difficult feelings. I guess you could say, this is the price we pay for love.  BUT I would take that any day over not having that love.  Not sure if this makes sense....just typing what I am feeling.

Dani ... I hear you about the feelings about other people who still have a parent(s) and it especially bothers me if I hear them not treating their parent in a loving way.  I know that one day they will regret this so my feelings of anger turn into compassion for them.  Take care, your loss is so recent but like I mentioned earlier time really does help us heal from this huge loss.

bloom ... such words of wisdom in regard to how some people don't like to talk about such a loss.  Some friends drop off the face of the earth or don't show much support or compassion and I personally think that this is because death makes everyone uncomfortable and each person handles it differently.  In looking back to prior to losing my parents I always felt so sad for others who lost a parent but my words of condolence were always sincere but always short, as I hadn't experienced such a loss yet.  Fast forward to after my losses I feel much differently and I am not short on what to say or what to do when others are going through this.  

sadandlost ... bloom ... and anyone else whose parent had dementia ... I've worked in mental health for 30 years and with many patients who have suffered from dementia and alzheimer's disease.  In getting to know the children of these patients and what they went through, I believe that you have suffered the loss of your parent twice.  I am so sorry that people have to go through that.  God bless you for being so strong.

I want to leave you all with something that my dad said to me after my mom was taken "home."  He said, "Cindy, we will never get over losing your mother but we WILL get on with it."  Not only did my dad say that to me but he lived it until he passed on 11 months later.  After a few months of losing mom, he went back to his part-time retirement job, he started going out again with his friends for coffee, he continued to find joy in his life in doing the things he has always enjoyed ... working in his garden, playing cards with his buddies, etc.  To this day I think about his words often and he was so right.  Time does help us get through the grieving and we really do get on with it.....until it is our turn to be taken home.

Take care everyone and GOD bless

Cindy Jane

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Dani1030   

Thank you all for your kind words.

Cindyjane...I think your dad said it best. We will never get over it, but we will get on with it. I worry about my dad more than myself. He is retired and doesn't do much. I'm afraid that once I leave and go back to work, he will just sit at home and do nothing. I'm afraid he won't take care of himself either. Only time will tell I suppose. 

Again, thank you all for just allowing me to vent and express how I'm feeling. I just need help navigating through this new life without my best friend, my mom. 

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reader   

Dear cindyjane,

Thank you for sharing your dad's advice. I think this particular weekend, I needed them more than ever.

Hope all is well.

Sending all my thoughts and prayers to everyone here.

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bloom   

Truly, I am sorry for everyones loss. We've all lost someone we love so much. A parent. Its been 6 months since my mother passed. And I am beginning to feel good and and start to look forward to the future more and more. And also reflect on everything that happened and try to understand it all. So I know as we all know, that the pain of loss is deep, hurts like you know what, and the sadness and anger, all those things associated with grief are all normal and part of the healing process. And we do start to feel better eventually. Thats for certain. But if I might suggest, that if we are having trouble dealing with the grief it is always a good idea to seek help. I have no more family left, my mom was the last one, except for a sister who doesnt care. So I went through my moms death alone. It was so traumatic for me that I had to get a therapist to help me. I could not have done it alone. So if we need help coping please seek out help. It just makes life easier and helps us heal.

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DITTO bloom .... getting help through our losses is so important and I hope that anyone who needs help with this is open to seek it out. 

Thanks everyone for the kind words.  One of the reasons that I find this site so helpful is that coming here is so validating.  You guys all know what it feels like to lose a parent and that is huge because we don't have to go through this process alone.  The support and understanding here is wonderful.....so thanks everyone.

Hang in there .... keep coming here and supporting each other and if you are a "believer" in God and what He has to say, stay in the Word.  If you aren't a believer, read the Bible and learn what HE has to say to us because it is very comforting ... especially when we are going through difficult times.  HE really is there for us.  

take care

love

Cindy Jane

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Maya77   

I dont know whats going on with me, the last two weeks have been really difficult. I have been having nightmares, have been feeling really depressed, drained of all energy and will to go on...I feel like I went ten steps back in my grief journey, and I dont know why. My moms death anniversary has been a month ago, if anything, I would expect to feel like this back then. But it just hit me now I wonder? But I feel absolutely beaten down. I havent felt this terrible in months. I yearn for my mom more than ever. I feel like the more society expects us to have moved on by now, I feel less willing to move on than ever. If anything, I feel like I am back to the very beginning of the stage of disbelief, like this is isnt happening, like this is just a bad dream..I feel like the day I got the news my mom was terminally ill and had just a few weeks to go. 

I am sorry for rambling here, but I have no one to share this with...I dont want to dump all of this on my dad and my other family members...

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Dear Maya77,

Im so sorry for the loss of your mom.  A year is nothing considering that she was there all your life up until a year ago.  There are these standard things people say, like after a few months it gets better.  The first year is the worst.... etc.  People say all that and more.  When does it get better?  I have no idea.  Loosing a mother is brutal.  Nothing can replace a mother.  Depression is normal.  Why does grief come in waves when you think things are slightly better than they were?  I have no idea.  But it is like that.  Personally I'm having a better few days than I had since my mom died.  I think I've turned a corner compared to what it was last month and the months before.  I suspect though I'm just having a few better days and maybe next week it will be as awful as before and I'll still be trying to comfort myself in all sorts of ways.  Binge watching tv to escape the pain temporarily.  It does help actually!  Temporarily.  So I understand how you feel.  We all do.  We read each other's stories because we need to validate our own pain and not feel so alone.  So we tell our stories because we know the only people that truly understand are the ones going through it.  I'm sorry for your loss.

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